Finding Cassie Crazy (15 page)

Claire wears bright colours that make you jump back a bit when you first walk into the room and I don't think her face is interesting enough for so much colour. Her face disappears.

I felt kind of guilty about lying to Claire's invisible face. Telling her my greatest fear was failing piano. So later in the session, I told her something true. I told her that I can't stop thinking about putting my right arm into the air.

I think she thought I was making that up, like to play a joke on her. She looked at me very narrow-eyed and suspicious but the fact is, that part's true. I can be eating my breakfast, or watching TV or doing homework and I'll suddenly have this terrible wish to put my hand in the air.

Sometimes, if I'm alone, I even do it. I actually stop playing the piano and put my hand up, you know, like some kid at school who wants to go to the bathroom. Then I feel really stupid, sitting there on the piano stool with my hand up, and I put it back down and keep playing.

Do you think I'm crazy? I'm pretty sure that Claire did.

Love

Cassie

Cassie

I'm getting really tired of thinking up threats for you.

Matthew

Dear Matthew

Are you?

The other night I told Claire that you and me have a rapport. ‘Me and Matthew are developing a
real rapport
,' I said, and then I told her we had formed a band and we were playing music together, on account of your trumpet playing and my piano playing.

There's a lot of violent imagery in your mind. Do you watch too much TV and/or play too many violent video games and/or eat too much food with red colouring?

I read the other day that you should eat more cabbage.
Matthew Dunlop should eat more cabbage
. That's what I read.

My mother is a copyright lawyer for her occupation. She works at a law firm which is practically the number one law firm in the city of Sydney, maybe number two.

Woohoo!
as Claire would say. Emily's mum works there, too, but she's a partner.

Now I wish I hadn't told Claire about the hand in the air thing. I'm going to have to think up a reason for it, because she keeps asking questions about it.

Grandma Matilda visited us the other day. She's my mother's mother, and she told me I'm looking a bit sharp-featured. Mum told me I could insult her back in any way I wanted, and then they both waited patiently for me to think of an insult but I just shook my head at them in disbelief.

It's getting cold, eh?

Good. It's autumn. It's meant to be cold.

Lots of love

Cassie

Cassie

Your last letter? I put it through the shredding machine.

Write to me again? The same thing will happen to you.

Matthew

Hey Matthew

That took you a week and I have to say, it wasn't up to your normal standard. You used to answer like WHAM. Like a lightning strike.

You don't have to, if you don't want to, you know: I mean, threaten me. You could just tell me how your day's going, or how your sinuses are, or, I don't know, write a poem.

Feel free.

One good thing is that I thought of a way to stop Claire asking about my hand-in-the-air condition. I told her that sometimes I feel like I'm
drowning
. Claire kind of breathed out in a slow, loving, sympathetic way, and my mother looked at me sideways, but I just shrugged and said, ‘It's not a big deal, it's just how I feel sometimes,' and then changed the subject.

I'll see how long it takes for Claire to make the connection.
Oh, you feel like you're drowning, eh? So you feel
like you need to put your hand in the air, like indicating to the lifesaver to come rescue you!

That will surely occur to her soon.

Love

Cassie

Hey Matthew

Where are you?

It's hurting your brain trying to think up something threatening, eh? But don't even worry. I am way scared of you, already. I feel
threatened
. Relax.

But listen, Claire wants to know about YOU. It's my new homework. You remember that my first homework was to find a new friend (I found you) and tell him/her all about myself ? Well, now I have to find out about the friend. Claire wants to know what you plan to be when you leave school and what's the worst thing that ever happened to you and what you love most in the world.

I think that Claire's probably a genius. She's teaching me to be a
listener
, see? That's way important.

Come on, you owe me.

Cass

Hey Matthew

Well, I guess I can just keep writing without you writing back. That's fine and it's not really that different to how it was before. Although
before
I felt like I was playing squash against a big brick wall. Every time I whacked the squash ball
over to Brookfield, it would hit the brick wall and come back SMACK in my face. Whereas now it's like the brick wall has just dissolved and it kind of makes my arm feel funny when I swing the racquet.

Cassie

Hi Matt

Did you know that a good thing to do if you want to strengthen your fingers and help them to be flexible for your trumpet playing is to carry a squash ball around and just squeeze it occasionally? Anyway, it works for piano playing.

I think I'm getting used to you being quiet. It's kind of peaceful. It's like you're over there having a little sleep on the couch.

Lots of love

Cassie

To Cassie Aganovic

I know your name. (See above.)

I know where you go to school.

I know your friends' names.

I know your therapist's name.

I know everything there is to know about you, Cassie. And you keep on writing and telling me more.

You want to explain to me how you got to be so absofuckinglutely stupid?

Yours faithfully

Matthew Dunlop