How to Make Love to a Woman (15 page)

63

IF GOLDEN SHOWERS ARE ON YOUR LIST . . .

When it comes to living out golden shower fantasies, it’s fair to try to enroll your partner in the game, but if after several attempts you can’t convince, don’t insist. Find other ways. In one of the early 2000 issues of Penthouse, they had pictures of beautiful women with their legs spread, peeing. Although it upset some readers, many more reported finding it delightfully kinky.

There’s a porn video in my collection in which a well hung guy, after ejaculating in his lady’s mouth, starts to pee, still with an erection. He continues for a truly remarkable length of time, while she uses his penis like a shower head, spraying her breasts, her pussy, and the rest of her body. Just goes to show that there are plenty of people who appreciate the 24-karat experience. Many women are reluctant to participate in such sports, so I recommend that if you want your wife or girlfriend to play, start slowly. Ask her to let you watch her pee and when she gets used to that, move on. Next ask her if she’ll pee on you in the shower, or let you do the same to her, depending on your preference. And then remember the old adage “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her drink,” and if after all your efforts she still doesn’t want to do it, then don’t.

There is nothing uncommon about a man’s desire to pee on his partner. This is called “urolagnia.” Hedgehogs prepare for copulation by peeing on each other. When a female mare is in heat, her urine contains a maximum concentration of female hormones. This may be one reason why some males take pleasure in sniffing female urine. Some men enjoy watching a woman urinate while squatting, as it is a symbol of her sex. Some urolagnists receive ineffable masochistic pleasure from being sprayed with urine, or even forced to drink it (I wouldn’t recommend this, but I know it happens).

Urolagnia is rarer in women. I say, however, that there have been times that I have truly enjoyed taking off my suit on a beach and peeing in front of four men. As they masturbate, I quite often spray a little urine on their cocks. On occasion I have enjoyed a shot of urine against my own clitoris.

64

OTHER FINE FETISHES TO INCORPORATE INTO FOREPLAY

I was interviewed by a South African journalist once, while vacationing in Holland. I was staying at my mother’s house. The journalist was sitting across from me on the couch as I sat in a high swivel chair. I believe my mother was making a cup of tea for us. It was a hot summer afternoon. I was very tan, wearing a light green dress and matching, high-heeled open sandals. My toenails were painted a bright red to match my fingernails.

While the man was interviewing me, I noticed that when the conversation stopped every now and then, his eyes would automatically go to my feet. I knew then that I had a
foot fetishist
in front of me.

He kept glancing at my feet and so I began to make little movements with my toes. (You might say I was toeing the line). After about ten minutes of this, the poor guy dropped his pencil and pad. He dropped to his knees and began caressing my feet. I stuck out my leg so that he could take my right foot in his hand and lick it with his tongue. It drove me wild, but at that moment my mother walked into the room. She almost dropped the tray of cookies and tea, and she threw the journalist out of her house.

Later on I explained to her that he was a harmless foot fetishist and that she had ruined a damned good interview. People have biases against foot fetishists for some reason, automatically conjuring up a vision of a man alone in a corner humping a shoe. There’s no basis for it, of course, but still, men are shy of coming out and saying, “Can I suck your toes?” both for the “bad press” reason and because many women (and especially young women) are shy about experimentation.

If you’re into feet, and you don’t know how to tell her, take a bath with her. Under the pretense that you’re soaping her body, you can play around with her feet to your heart’s content. You can then find out if she likes your footwork.

*****

Lipstick
is said to have first been used by the prostitutes of ancient Egypt and Phoenicia who specialized in fellatio: they highlighted their mouths to publicize their talents. Cleopatra has left a well-established reputation for fellatio. As a mark of defiance to honest women, she flaunted her vocation by reddening her lips. This vocation of Cleopatra’s, which historians usually pass over in modest silence, may have had a great deal to do with her ability to captivate Caesar and Mark Anthony, despite sporting a less than average face and body.

Today the significance of lipstick is very often sexual, but it no longer indicates a particular erotic talent. A girl who wears it at an unusually early age is suspected of sexual precocity. A husband is sometimes made uneasy when his wife resumes wearing it after having abandoned it for a time.

To many men, whether cognitive of this fact or not, a lipstick-smeared mouth reminds them of the pink labia between her legs. Have you ever tried smearing lipstick on your wife’s cunt lips? You should try that. And of course, don’t forget to kiss it away.

*****

I have had several lovers who had a passion for performing oral sex during my
menstruation
; one of them objected strongly to my describing it as a “Dracula complex.”

Many women feel extra horny just before and during their period. Wearing a diaphragm will effectively stop the blood flow, but shouldn’t be counted on as birth control, since the diaphragm doesn’t fit properly when the uterus swells. Some people find the idea of sex during a period distasteful, but then, some people find sex distasteful at any time. Try it and see what you both think. Tell her you can’t wait to have her and she’ll likely go for it.

*****

I know a lot of guys who, after a night of passion, go out into the world secretly
wearing the underpants of the woman
they have been making love to. These amateur cross-dressers all seem to have one thing in common—the desire to talk about it and explain why. Sooner or later they all confessed to me that it was because it kept them horny the whole time they were wearing them.

Predictably enough, when they told anyone else about it, whether it was the girl in question or their buddies at work, it produced an adverse result, which was a kind of shocked disapproval. Male friends accused them of being gay and many of the women found it too weird to handle. It’s such a common thing with very healthy, normal, heterosexual men that I can’t quite understand what all the fuss is about.

*****

In all my years running the “Call Me Madame” column for Penthouse, I heard of many fantasies—most people have them and they range from mild to truly specific out-there experiences. When trying to convince your partner to do strange things, you would be well advised to first serve your partner’s fantasies. One good trick deserves another. If you can’t actually do it right away, see how far you get talking about doing it. And if nothing else, sites like adultfriendfinders have made it quite easy to locate someone who shares your fetishes.

65

WAYS TO EXPLORE HER BOUNDARIES

Everybody has things they won’t do, even the most outrageously slutty among us. Your woman, no matter how adventurous, will have limits. The great lovers are interested in finding and knowing those limits. And the happy woman in the hands of such a man is very lucky because he will take her on an adventure that she will never forget.

Just as Barbara Carrellas recommends, when it comes to touching, play at “the Resilient Edge of Resistance.” It is at the boundaries where passion lies, not within, not beyond—but at the boundaries.

Great lovers also have great patience. They know that they cannot bring a woman from no experience to the kinkiest of games without a long path leading there. If your woman has never seen a pornographic movie or magazine, if she’s never masturbated, never undressed in front of a man, never was bathed or dressed by a man, never had sex in a car, never gone to a strip club, or never engaged in oral sex before, then you have a lot of time to spend just getting her through what I call “the amateur list.”

Conversation is the best way to get clues to what her boundaries are, what is new to her, what might thrill and challenge her. Ask her. Have you ever purchased contraceptives? Performed a strip tease? Been photographed naked? Been caught masturbating? Watched another person masturbate? Watched a couple have sex? Been kissed by another woman? Answers to these questions will help you figure out what her experience is and that will give you clues to the starting point in the journey of discovering her boundaries. In addition, these kinds of questions make for good, stimulating conversation and story-telling. If she did ever stumble across a couple making out, you will want to know the story, and if her heart clit feels comfortable, she will tell it.

And for the not-so-faint of heart, here are some more questions that will stimulate and illuminate: Have you ever traveled over a hundred miles for the sole purpose of getting laid? Had sex with two different people in a twenty-four hour period? Cheated on your husband or boyfriend? Had sex in front of a third party? Have you ever lived in a threesome? Have you ever been to a swingers’ party? Engaged in bondage? Engaged in role-play?

When finding boundaries, it’s fair to use all clues and ask all kinds of questions. When actually exploring those boundaries, play at the edge where the passion lies. You need to use some sophistication and judgment and, most importantly, keep your focus on the journey and forget about the destination.

66

GAMES TO PLAY

The best games to play are those that are inspired by words or actions of a fondly shared scenario, much like the private joke. The best-loved sex games that many experienced adults like to play are those they fell upon, quite by accident. If you explore her boundaries thoroughly, that journey will reveal the games you two should be playing.