How to Make Love to a Woman (3 page)

Certainly you’ve encountered a film where you get a bird’s eye view of a woman being mauled by a man she doesn’t want to make love to, or a close-up of a woman allowing her husband to make love to her, but she clearly just wants to get it over with. The men in those roles, if you noticed, were not looking at their partners’ faces. If they had, they would have known, and they would have stopped.

Good lovers pay close attention to the face and to every reaction a woman’s body has to every touch and every word and adjusts his game, if he has to, on his mission to please.

8

STAY FOCUSED

Speaking of keeping your eye on her face, be sure to lock eyes now and again. Don’t be afraid to hold her gaze. This “creeps out” some young women—the shy, the inexperienced—but it is also required for many more women. With this latter group, if you can’t or won’t look her straight in the eyes, you can probably forget about mind-blowing sex. Being able to hold her gaze, to look into the depths of her eyes and see her soul and, all the while, share yours can be a powerfully erotic experience. Don’t be afraid to linger there.

“The intention is not to leave the body, but to drop into the body more deeply and completely.”

—Barbara Carrellas, Urban Tantra

Eye-gazing is one way to stay focused, to stay in tune with what she is experiencing. Her breathing, what her body is doing (i.e., is she flinching, or pushing into you for more?), her heartbeat, the sounds she is making—this is all information you must constantly be aware of.

9

LEARN TO PLAY

Learn how to play, an absolute requirement for great sex. An ex-boyfriend of mine once told me a story about how he had seduced an actress, who at fifty-something years of age, was still outstandingly beautiful and had a perfect figure. They sat on the couch in her living-room in the presence of her twenty-five year-old daughter, whose boyfriend was also visiting, and pretended that they were a young Victorian couple who were going to elope.

They acted the scene perfectly right up to the final curtain, when they exited and the actress led the way into her bedroom. At that point, the daughter shouted out, “Hey, Mom! Do you want a feather duster to brush the cobwebs off of it?” The point is not the sassy daughter with the delightful sense of humor, but I just couldn’t tell half a story. The point is that this man knew how to seduce a woman.

Great lovers are not afraid to look foolish. I think every female falls in love with Kevin Kline in
Sophie’s Choice
when he arranges for a picnic where the threesome dresses as wealthy, early twentieth century southern plantation owners. But not all women necessarily like to dress up. Your woman might consider it more erotic to find a place to do some mud-wrestling—which brings you back to understanding her and what turns her on. Sometimes play can happen spontaneously, but if you are not a natural, then do some planning. Think about the type of play she would like and you would like and put some thought into coordinating the event and the timing. It’s best if you custom tailor the play to the woman. If she finds it hot to be in hot-tubs, perhaps you engineer a surprise for her that involves a hot tub. Perhaps you fill her hot tub with rubber duckies and let her find them on her own. Or, as another example, if she is very straight, but has an active interest in the goth crowd, perhaps you buy her a wig and costume and make her go out to an expensive restaurant with you as if she dresses that way all the time. The more personal the type of play, the more effective. But all the same, I have included a series of popular fantasy role-plays at the end of the book for those of you who need help getting started.

10

MAKE IT SAFE FOR HER TO PLAY (Taking Care of Her Heart Clit)

The only way you are going to get most women to abandon themselves to sex, and thereby participate in the “mind-blowing” aspects of it, is to make it safe for her to play. The key to her heart clit is making her comfortable. This is the opposite of how you stimulate the brain clit, but therein you see the complexities of dealing with a woman. You have to learn to make her heart feel safe, so that she will let you tickle her brain clit in unsafe ways. It’s required.

I am not going to attempt to explain all the ways to make a woman feel safe, because it would be an impossible task. All women are different; safe to one is scary to another. Some women want to have their hand held every time they go out with their partner, others find this stifling. It’s part of your job to get to know her and understand what makes her feel safe.

“Emotion is the messenger of love; it is the vehicle that carries every signal from one brimming heart to another. For human beings, feeling deeply is synonymous with being alive.”

—Lewis, Amini, Lannon,
A General Theory of Love

Poetry and love letters, flowers and thoughtful gifts, opening doors and steering her gently but firmly with your hand on her elbow or arm around her waist, candlelight and soft music, champagne and a breathtaking view, breaking your stride to help an old woman or a child . . . these are the staples of heart clit stimulation. These are the things that make women’s hearts smile, but they are not the things that make her wet, not normally. It’s the brain clit teasing that makes her wet. But to get there, the heart must be willing and so these time honored traditions remain marks of love and chivalry—easy and not remarkably innovative, and yet consistently effective.

11

WEAR THE RIGHT UNDERWEAR

Silky stockings with a seam up the back, high heels, French maid’s clothes—these are just some of the clothes that men expect women to wear because it turns them on. And if you heed my advice and you tend to her clits, she will do, say, and wear, anything you want her to do, say, and wear. That’s where you want to have repeat sessions, on-demand, of mind-blowing sex. So, find out if she’s a boxer girl or a brief girl. If you think these details are unimportant, ask yourself how you feel about making love to a beautiful woman wearing granny panties. Hmm, I thought so. Just find out what her preference is and wear it when you are with her. If the thought of switching from briefs to boxers or boxers to briefs still makes you shake your head, then remember this: I’m not asking you to don four-inch heels.

“I find that slim hipped men tend to wear the briefest of bikini slips, in all different colors. More conservative men prefer to wear white cotton jockey pants. The all-American sporty fellow will like boxer shorts, since they leave a lot of space for his balls to breathe. Of course, the hip young man will wear nothing at all, just so women like me can easily check out his cock and balls.”

—Xaviera Hollander,
Penthouse Letters
, April 1977

12

MAKE YOUR SURROUNDINGS EROTIC

Make your surroundings erotic. If you want to make the statement that you are a sensual being (and who wouldn’t want that?) then make sure that where you live has sensual surroundings. Use flowers, candles, soft music, and maybe even erotic art, which today is a field of its own. Feng Shui your way to declaring who you are and what is important to you.

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

—Billy Crystal

When you are planning your date, think like a theater producer, like a set designer. Think about what kind of erotic mood you are trying to set and put some energy into adding special touches that will enhance that mood.

“Think Like a Set Designer. What is the scene you are trying to create? Is it a Hindu temple? A magic cave? A vampire’s lair? Another planet? Be creative! You do not have to go out and have a set built, but keeping an image in mind will make it easier and more fun to choose the elements you’ll use to create your space.”

—Barbara Carrellas,
Urban Tantra

You must know that you have to carefully plan your spontaneity. Only the most practiced and sophisticated seducers can get away without forethought and planning. Scratch that. This group of men has done it so many times that it is habit—which means they are giving it forethought, as well, but without the energy it might take Mr. Average Joe. Women love spontaneity and they don’t even mind if it is a bit contrived—in this case, it is truly the thought that counts. Women love it when a man tries to be romantic and tries to be creative. It doesn’t happen much, so when a woman stumbles across a man who puts real effort into creating the scene, reading her, and making it right, it is likely she will end up adoring him.