How to Make Love to a Woman (6 page)

First let me say that if you think that by insisting she sleep naked, you are cheating yourself out of sexy lingerie, you are wrong. Au contraire! The lingerie is necessary and fun, but make sure she understands that when she is under the covers with you, and it is time to sleep, the clothes come off.

You will win on two counts if you insist she sleeps naked next to you and make it a rule from the beginning. Not only will you have easy access to her through the night, but women like the little game of tug-of-war now and again, and the more harmless the game, the more they like it. You are giving her something to wrangle with you about. You are appealing to her brain clit. If she has her nightgown on when she crawls into bed, you say, “What is the matter with you?” and she can then giggle and remove her clothes, or make you remove them yourself. She might tell you it’s too cold, clobber you with the pillow and run—in which case, you must chase her! Whatever the result, you are setting yourself up for some steamy sex.

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DO ENGAGE HER IN ‘DRESS-UP’ PLAY

A few years ago, G. Gordon Liddy was interviewed by an Atlanta radio station and when asked the secret to his successful marriage of over thirty years, he answered, “an active fantasy life.” If you want to fire up her imagination, if you want to stimulate her brain clit, get some costumes. Get some wigs if you have to. Be willing to don the wig and hook of a pirate. Be willing to be the chef or the police officer. Play different roles with her. She’ll say you are insane but her eyes and her actions will tell you that she adores you and she adores the effort you put into the game.

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

—Robert De Niro

An ex-lover of mine who was raised by British nannies once convinced me to put on the white apron (and nothing else) and simulate doing dishes so that he could get me from behind. Even though I initially resisted, it did lead to mind-blowing sex.

Having intercourse with a nurse in uniform or a doctor of either sex in a white coat is a very common fantasy and fantasy is a great way to get the two of you to the end goal.

I think that the feminist revolution has made most men (maybe just most American men), afraid to tell their partners that they would love to see them dressed in seamed black stockings and a French maid’s uniform, or in all black leather, or whatever it is he wants to see. The feminist revolution made being a sex object a bad thing—across the board. So the general male reluctance to elucidate what qualifies as an interesting sex object is understandable. It is a pity, because both men and women are losing as a result.

My advice is that you buy her the clothes you want to see her in. Or at the very least, go shopping with her. And make sure she knows that you will dress in a manner that pleases her, as well. Be sure you don’t go on your buying spree before you understand the woman you are dealing with. After all, you don’t want to give her a collar if, in her mind, she is the one who is supposed to be collaring you.

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DO LEARN TO BE AN ACTOR

Putting on the costume won’t help if you can’t let go long enough to put on a little performance. You must get in tune with the actor in you; everyone has one, find yours. She will adore you for it.

One friend of mine had a marvelous lover who could out-act anyone I know. While they were visiting New York City, he told her way in advance that there would be one night that they would separate and meet up in the hotel bar as if strangers. For the days preceding this hook-up, they were forced to avoid the hotel bar because neither wanted it ruined in any way when they finally met as strangers. They didn’t want the bartender or anyone in the bar to know they were together.

On the night in question, he approached her at the bar and said, “Susan?” and she shook her head. She was not Susan and did not know this stranger-man. He explained that he had been stood up by his Internet date and that in fact my friend didn’t look anything like the woman he was supposed to meet, and struck up a conversation with her and pretended he was a business man with a wife and kids and corn back in Iowa.

When he had her in his room, after they had sex one time and were catching their breath, he admitted to her that he’s not married at all, doesn’t have a wife or kids or corn, had never been to Iowa, but that he played basketball for some team and had three of his friends in another room waiting to gang bang her. His intent was to scare her. He was trying to present her brain clit with an element of danger. But it backfired because she one-upped him. When he told her sternly of his plans, she giggled and said, “Oh, hon, bring ’em on!”

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DO GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO “CHEAT”

I have heard many stories over the years from people who had discreet affairs and the carry over effect was “mind-blowing sex” with the partner at home. Understand that as women get older, their propensity to cheat increases exponentially. You should be mentally prepared for it.

The current reverence for the MILF* is a case in point. It is so easy today, with the advent of Internet match-making portals, for a suburban mother with three kids and a husband to find “a little discreet sex on the side” (so easy it would amaze you). Young men and middle aged men alike are attracted to the MILF for a variety of reasons.

“ ... the world waited until the end of the nineteenth century A. D. for systematic investigation into feelings and passion.”

—Lewis, Amini, Lannon,
A General Theory of Love

Over the years I got many letters from young women starting like this: “Why is he fucking these older women when he could have hot, young me?” When women are young, there is so much urgency to sexual relationships that generally they will engage in sex for fifteen to twenty minutes in silence, except for a few grunts and moans. After orgasm, they bound out of bed and get on with doing something else. That’s typical of women in their early twenties.

As women get older and the demands of small children and/or careers lighten up a bit, they begin to understand and appreciate the benefits of spending a whole afternoon in bed with a lover. They begin to relax and open up and by this point in life have gained the confidence to say, “I want to do this or that.”

So, the reason why many women, as they get older, as the marriage gets older, cheat is the same reason men do: because they can. And today, thanks to wonderfully robust Internet dating portals, it’s not hard for those many under-thirties looking for Mrs. Robinson to find her; nor is it difficult for the married men who might be her age, but are also just looking for some sex on the side.

Women cheat for the same reasons men do, to be reminded of their worth, to show to themselves that they are still desirable to other men. Sometimes women cheat just to experience the newness of a relationship and then they carry that glow home and have mind-blowing sex with their husbands. I know, I get their stories.

For the mature and adventurous couple, you might pre-empt her need to cheat by offering to find and bring a third party home (a man). Another way to provide her with the thrill without actually having to suffer infidelity is to role-play a cheating scene. Have her “act out” to you a confession of cheating and you can make a big scene and perhaps give her the drama she is craving.

*MILF is an Internet dating term used to describe hot women of child-rearing age—“Mothers I’d Like to Fuck.”
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DON’T BE AFRAID TO MAKE “MAKE-BELIEVE” DANGER

Sex is good, but not worth dying for. I’ve known people who have sex under very dangerous conditions and, instead, I strongly recommend you simply learn to act at the proper time. Fucking at the wheel is risky, and sucking your girlfriend’s nipples whilst peering through the windshield round her female form, however skinny, is definitely dangerous. If that’s what tickles her brain clit or yours, then pretend you are driving! Park in a semi-public place and give her a thrill. How hard is that?

“Jeeves, the immortal gentleman’s gentleman, said, ‘I endeavor to give satisfaction.’ An admirable quality in a servant, but in a lover one wants more. Passion, pleasure, titillation of all the senses, supreme delight and total fulfillment—these are what making love is all about.”

—Xaviera Hollander,
Penthouse Letters
, November 1988

Most women’s fantasies involve some danger. The danger makes it exciting. The excitement is what she is seeking. Studies show that the adrenaline rush and endorphins produced from being frightened add to lustiness. Watch a scary movie together, ride a roller coaster together. I have also known couples who have a great time scaring each other with creepy masks, by hiding, by telling frightening stories . . . and they live lustily ever after, so there must be something to this.

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DO THINK LIKE A LESBIAN