How to Make Love to a Woman (5 page)

“Many women may want to be dominated but just don’t know that they do. Be their teacher, but be absolutely sure that you do your teaching gradually. After all, you don’t pick out the handcuffs before you’ve made the girl.”

—Xaviera Hollander,
Penthouse Letters
, August 1977

Confidence is everything in the mating game. Instead of fumbling around and trying to feel the person out, be direct, be clear. And don’t be afraid to take the lead. Most women are fascinated by the caveman and his club, much as we bitch about the caveman mentality. It’s because unlike the rest of life, it’s simple. “He’s big, fighting him would be futile, sex will be good anyway, and how fun to not have to think about anything except my pleasure. But he won’t think I’m valued if I go at a crook of his finger, so I’ll make him chase me around the field a bit.”

Women are contrary creatures, but we all have one thing in common—we like to play coy and hard to get. No woman wants to think of herself as “easy,” in any sense of the word. If it turns out she wants to take the lead, then I’d say you are a lucky boy and let her, but my experience tells me that it is far more likely that she is watching you, to see what kind of a leader you can be in the game of sex-play—and the game of life.

17

DO USE IMAGINATION, ANTICIPATION, AND SURPRISE

Out in the wide world of working folk, men tend to be more creative than women. But somehow, that creativity dies in the bedroom. A woman, on the other hand, becomes more creative as she ages, as she passes through menopause. If you don’t have an imagination, get one. If you have one you are not using, start exercising that along with your body and your penis.

Use your imagination to establish the place, the time, and the theme. Do pick a theme, and you should both dress for the occasion. Even if you dress fabulously every day of the week, there still should be something special about how you are each prepared for a date.

“Good sex between good partners always involves some mystery.”

—Xaviera Hollander,
Penthouse Letters
, July 1978

Next, build anticipation for sex by teasing your lover during the day with phone calls, e-mails, or text messages. Make them brief, but to the point—“couldn’t wait, had 2 mstrbate 2 thoughts of U,” “don’t wear underwear 2nite,” or, simply, “I can’t wait 2 C U.”

Studies have shown that women who do mental rehearsals of the pending sex, especially if those women have trouble with orgasms, warm up much quicker than without the preparatory pre-thinking. One study found that the same women who normally required significant physical foreplay to get warmed up, required only thirty seconds if they devoted time to the pre-sex thinking. Part of the return on requiring a dress theme is that it puts her thoughts to sex with you during the hours leading up to the actual rendezvous.

18

DO STUDY SEX TOGETHER

In the process of trying to find out what kind of sexplay would most get her going, engage her in the act of studying sex together. This has the huge upside of providing good sex along the way. You might even tumble upon mind-blowing sex in the process.

Study together. Read the Kama Sutra together. Read erotica to one another; watch erotic films together. A woman who is reluctant to discuss her own preferences will be happy to talk about a movie, and if you are listening, you will hear those preferences in how she reacts to the film.

“My general rule of thumb is, if she dresses like a lady, treat her like a slut and if she dresses like a slut, treat her like a lady.”

—Damien von Dahlen, advice on how to pick up women

Be careful in jumping to conclusions though. A friend of mine once told her boyfriend that she thought one of the hottest films out in many years was a film called
The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover
. They watched it together and because there is a serious dose of humiliation dished out to the lead female in the film, her boyfriend—without discussion—concluded that she wanted that and proceeded to humiliate her verbally, in a miserably failed attempt to stimulate her brain clit. She started to cry, then got her car keys and left. When he caught up with her later, he spent a long time convincing her that he didn’t mean any of it and that he was just emulating the husband from the film. As I said, a miserable attempt at stimulating the brain clit.

Here’s a useful tip in regard to determining how submissive or how dominant a woman wants to be in the bedroom—and this is just a generalization, but I think it will ring true to your ears as well. I believe that the more subservient the public life, the more she will likely be dominant in her fantasies. Conversely, the more dominant she is in her public life, the more likely she is to play submissive in her fantasies. (This is just a rough guide, boys. You need much more information to know for sure.)

19

DO BRING OUT THE GIRL IN HER

Most educated women today recognize the importance of keeping in touch with their “inner girl,” no matter if that woman is 20, 50, or 90. This is important to women, because being in touch with their inner girl keeps them open minded about new experiences, it gives them back a sense that anything is possible, even if everything isn’t possible any more. If you want mind-blowing sex, you have to be introduced to her inner girl and she’s not going to just offer that up to you—you’ll have to search for her.

“I would like to have a child. A very wise and witty little girl who’d grow up to be the woman I could never be. A very independent little girl with no scars on the brain or the psyche.... A little girl who said what she meant and meant what she said. A little girl who was neither bitchy nor mealy-mouthed.... What I really wanted was to give birth to myself—the little girl I might have been in a different family, a different world.”

—Erica Jong,
Fear of Flying

So what do little girls like? It’s not as hard to figure out as you think. Little girls like laughter and lightness. They like to throw themselves into the act of primping, a form of body worship that begins at a young age. That’s a very good starting point for men. Bathe her, wash her hair, paint her toenails, put her make-up on her. Shave her. These are all very intimate acts that tend to revive the girl in the woman.

If your partner is experimental and lets you have a say in her body hair, and if you can’t decide whether you want her armpits shaven or not, be bold. Have her shave one and grow the other of her charm pits. A woman would object, but the girl in her would smile gratefully at the idea.

“If you men are seeking complete hairlessness, then there is a product designed specially for men, called Golden Balls, available in gay shops in England.... But even if you star in a world-class porn movie, it is still considered perfectly acceptable to have a hairy scrotum.”

—Xaviera Hollander,
Penthouse Letters
, September 1998

I have shaved my pussy on many occasions and found that it made me feel like a very horny virgin. And though I have never met a man who didn’t adore it, women often object on the very valid grounds that it is a bitch to maintain. In the last decade, however, the pharmacies have started stocking a wide array of shaving tools for men and women, for tender areas and for not so tender areas. The best for private parts, in my opinion, is Schick’s new razor with the soap around it, called “Intuition.” It’s a wonderful little gadget that has the razor built into a square of soap. Years ago I would tell the men, “give her a break, it’s not an easy thing to maintain.” Now I tell them, if you want her completely bald, then participate in the maintenance, make it fun, and use the right tools.

In fact, you should make a game out of shaving each other. It can be great fun. Even if you are using a razor with the soap around it, don’t skip the part about lathering up your partner as a prelude to the actual act. Do it in the bathtub, with you sitting and her standing. Be sure to reach back and get the hair between the front equipment and the ass. Make it more of a game by trying to get rid of all of your own body hair as well, and experiencing complete baldness. A small penis will look much larger with the hair gone and a bald vagina always looks young and innocent. In addition, both partners will experience a totally new feeling of excitement, especially right after being shaved, since the pubic area becomes almost twice as sensitive and even the slightest rubbing of underpants or jeans can arouse you.

20

DO INSIST SHE SLEEPS NAKED

Women aren’t the only ones who are bashful about their bodies, but most of the complaining letters I got over the years were from men who wondered why their wives wouldn’t sleep naked and actively avoided being seen naked. It’s all cultural conditioning and it can be undone over time. Personally, I have no tolerance for digging through night-clothes to get to my lover. I need easy access.

“One of the best lovers I ever had was always looking for opportunities to get out of his clothes.”

—Xaviera Hollander,
Penthouse Letters
, August 2003

I once had an affair with a Canadian who started off wonderfully naked, but then began wearing a T-shirt to bed. Then one night when winter was setting in, I cuddled up to him to discover he was wearing socks, long johns and a woolly thermal shirt. That was enough for me and I told my lover he could sleep somewhere else because the winters are long, and getting him out of his woodsman gear would be too much effort. But this piece of advice is more about your success than my personal preferences and here’s why.