I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (23 page)

My partner gets me almost there with his fingers and with his penis inside me or almost inside me, so that he is ready to come when I do. We lie side by side. We don’t do this all the time, but it’s a really nice treat.

intercourse tips especially for guys

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Slow it down.
When we asked women who took our survey what advice they would give to a partner about how to make intercourse more pleasurable for women, they overwhelmingly said things like: “Don’t rush!” and “It’s not a race to the end.” Many men get the mistaken impression that women want hard, fast pounding because that’s what they’ve seen in porn. On page 193 we talk more about reality versus porn.

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Make foreplay last.
This was the second most common tip women said they’d like to give their male partners (after “Go slow”). If she’s not wet, it’s too soon to start penetration. Because women’s vaginas elongate as they get aroused, entering your partner before her body’s ready can be uncomfortable or painful for her.

Foreplay is the absolute most important part of any kind of sex for me, especially intercourse.

Foreplay foreplay foreplay! Get the girl super excited so that she is BEGGING you to enter her. When it finally goes in it feels AMAZING!

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Bring lube.
Ask her if it’s okay to put some on your penis. It may not make much difference for you, but lube often makes penetration far more comfortable for women.

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Enter her slowly, a bit at a time.
Many women—even those who love intercourse and have had lots of it—complain that guys push in too hard and too fast.

Be gentle. Give her time to adjust to you.

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Experiment.
Find out what speed, depth, rhythm, angle, and strength of penetration she likes. Try slow, sensuous thrusts; lots of in and out near the entrance of her vagina; staying deep inside her while you move back and forth a shorter distance. If fast, hard thrusts are what you’re used to from masturbation, you can “retrain” yourself by practicing masturbating with a slower, wetter, somewhat looser hand, more like the stimulation you’d get from a vagina.

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Ask for feedback.
Say to her, “Do you like it better when I move like this, or like this? Does this feel good?” Don’t be silent because you think it’s unromantic to talk—the third most common piece of advice women said they’d like to tell their partners was to talk to them more! This doesn’t mean women want an endless stream of chatter (they don’t), but checking in now and then is appreciated.

I think communication is the sexiest part of intercourse. Talk to me and ask me what I want. Tell me how I make you feel. All of these things make it a lot sexier and also help to make sure we’re both feeling okay and getting what we want from the experience.

Tell me how to pleasure YOU. Chances are, I’ll be more open about what feels good for me, too.

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Stay tuned in to her during intercourse.
Kiss her, caress her, whisper sweet things to her. Enjoy the emotional closeness and intimacy. Pay attention to her sounds, movements, and other nonverbal clues about what she likes and how she’s doing.

Don’t just fixate on my vagina and clitoris, but touch my breasts, my face, my neck
—
show me you care by being gentle and passionate.

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Know that most women don’t come from intercourse alone
(as you’ve read throughout this chapter). Don’t assume there’s something wrong with you, and definitely don’t imply there’s something wrong with her!

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Realize longer isn’t always better.
If you have some control over how long
sex lasts, don’t assume she wants you to keep thrusting all night long. Some guys mistakenly think that if they can pump away for long enough, they’re sure to generate an orgasm. But most women say that if their partner lasted for twenty hours of intercourse, the woman still wouldn’t have an orgasm, because she’s not getting the right stimulation. Women who answered our survey were more likely to complain about “marathon men” who left them sore than men who came too soon.

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Learn ejaculatory control.
On the other hand, if a woman
is
able to have orgasms through intercourse, the longer her partner can last, the more likely it is that she’ll have enough time for the sensations to bring about her O. So if it usually takes a given woman, say, 17 minutes to have an orgasm, but her boyfriend explodes 17
seconds
after he’s inside her, she’s clearly a long way from being able to have an orgasm during intercourse. Most guys find it helpful to have some degree of ejaculatory control, which is why we address this further on page 210. But just because it’s handy to be able to choose when you will or won’t come doesn’t mean this is the critical factor that determines if your partner will come or not.
 Because women can get sore and never have an orgasm when guys last
too
long, a man who’s mastered ejaculatory control should check in from time to time: “Would it feel good if I kept going, or should I come now?”

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Be supportive of her getting the clitoral stimulation she probably needs during intercourse,
just as you’re getting the stimulation you need. Experiment to see if there are positions or angles that give her clitoral stimulation she enjoys. Encourage her to touch her clit while you’re going at it, or do it for her. If she uses a vibrator to masturbate, welcome it into your bed together as a fun way to rev up your sex life and amplify her pleasure. Unless your penis has its own vibrating feature, there’s no reason to feel competitive with a toy.

We usually make sure one of us is touching her clit at all times. The best position for her to touch it is doggie style, the best for me is a modified missionary position where I sit upright and put more weight on my knees. This position is also good for hitting her G-spot.

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Find a brand, size, and style of condom you like.
Bring a couple with you. Take the initiative in putting it on rather than relying on her to request it. If you need to, get used to the sensations of coming with a condom on (and road test a bunch of different brands to find the one that fits you best) by wearing one to masturbate. You can get a bunch of different condoms by searching online for “condom variety pack” or “assorted condoms.”

Learn to put on a condom in the dark. Girls don’t really practice it, so guys need to be an expert at it.

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Finally, don’t assume that intercourse should happen every time (or even most times) you have sex.
Be open to having your orgasm other ways, like oral sex, rubbing against her body, getting a hand job, or masturbating while you’re together. If you’re tired of hearing that she’s not in the mood, this can be the perfect solution. Women tell us that when they’re not in the mood for intercourse, they’d often be happy to bring their partner to orgasm some other way. But if they feel like intercourse is the only option, they’ll duck out of sex altogether.

intercourse during pregnancy

IT’S PERFECTLY SAFE to have intercourse and orgasms any time while a woman is pregnant—right up until her water breaks before her baby’s birth! (This assumes the woman hasn’t had problems with this or past pregnancies. If she has, she should discuss the topic of sex and pregnancy with her midwife or doctor.) The man’s penis can’t reach or touch the baby.

When a woman is near or past her due date, intercourse with the man ejaculating inside can be an effective way to encourage labor to begin. Semen contains prostaglandins, the same substance that doctors apply to a woman’s cervix to artificially induce labor. The same activity that got the baby in there can also help get the baby out!

twelve steps to making your first time a great time

ARE YOU A woman thinking about having intercourse for the first time? Here are our top twelve tips for making the first time something you’ll want to remember.

1. Do it because you want to.
Not because your friends have already done it. Not because your boyfriend wants to. Not because you think you’re too old to be a virgin.

Make sure that this is the right time and the right person. Ask yourself, if this ends today will I regret having had sex with him?

Don’t rush into it just because you think you have to. I thought I was too old to be a virgin (twenty-one) and that there was something wrong with me. So the first chance I got, I went for it. Stupidly.

2. Be with a partner you trust.
The women who have the most positive memories of their first intercourse experience say they did so with a partner with whom they shared mutual trust, respect, and caring. Having this kind of relationship sets the stage for the rest of our advice on this subject (below).

I think we were both nervous because we were both virgins. It actually didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. It was a little awkward because it was our first time but it was still good because we really love each other and we were comfortable with each other.

Please, please only have sex for the first time with someone you’re in a relationship with and love and feel immensely comfortable with. It’s a somewhat physically uncomfortable experience, so that won’t be satisfying, but the emotional experience will be.

3. Plan for it in advance—but keep your plans flexible.
Forget the heat of the moment! You’re more likely to have a good time and no regrets if you and your partner have talked things over before the day (or night) itself. Planning can also help you pick a location that’s going to be comfortable for you (not squeezed into a car, or in an unlocked room where your roommate might walk in on you). Avoid the temptation to pretend you’ve had intercourse before—it’ll work far better for you and your partner if he knows this is your first time.

If you’re expecting to have intercourse for the first time on a special date like your wedding night, Valentine’s Day, or your birthday, keep in mind that it’s okay if things don’t come together, so to speak, as you had envisioned. You or your partner may have had too much to drink, you may be exhausted, or something else may have changed your plans. Losing your virginity on the second day of your honeymoon or the day after Valentine’s Day is just as sexy.

We were both virgins, and it was about 20 degrees outside, so it wasn’t really “optimal.” We were just two horny teenagers. He got off, but I was too uncomfortable.

I was told by everyone around me that it would hurt and be uncomfortable. Instead, it felt wonderful! My partner and I were so comfortable with each other, we just did what felt good, making sure to ask each other what we were feeling/thinking and what we enjoyed. Not bad for a first time experience for both of us.

4. Don’t be drunk.
We’re not the preachy, finger-wagging types, but on this topic study after study find the same thing: People who say their first intercourse was pleasurable tend to be ones who didn’t drink before the big event. They feel more sensation, communicate better, are more likely to use a condom correctly, and best of all, they remember what happened the next day.

I was drunk and it hurt a lot, even though I was drunk. I did not have an orgasm although my partner wanted me to, so we kept at it. I remember that I wanted to stop, but kept going because it was important to him that I had an orgasm. But I didn’t.

I was drunk at the time and don’t remember too much, other than it was very rushed, and I was very disappointed.

5. Keep your expectations down to earth.
Having intercourse may or may not go smoothly the first time. It may or may not feel good from the start. Expecting first-time sex to be sparkling perfection is a recipe for a serious let-down. It’s far better to be realistic—and perhaps pleasantly surprised.

It hurt pretty damn bad. And I was slightly disappointed. In my life, sex was something forbidden, something I wasn’t supposed to do, so of course in my head I thought, if it’s forbidden and worth waiting for, it must feel really good, like the best feeling in the whole world. And the first time, it definitely was not what I thought it was going to be. Although it was rather nice.

From what I read in books and so on, I thought it would either hurt or be the best experience ever. It didn’t hurt since I was comfortable with the guy and ready, but it was over really fast and kind of a disappointment.

6. Be comfortable with fingers already.
If you find it uncomfortable or painful to have a finger or two (your own or your partner’s) inside your vagina in a sexual situation, then that’s your first assignment. That can help stretch your hymen and get you used to the sensation of having something inside your vagina. (Many women’s hymens have already been stretched or broken from exercise, tampon insertion, or other activities.) Get to a point where having a finger inside is comfortable for you before trying to insert a penis. Wet your finger with saliva, water, or lube before inserting it.

Experiment first with fingering, because it loosens the hymen and allows your partner to find places that feel good to you inside. This will also help to take away some of the mystery of sex, making it seem less intimidating. I lost my cherry during fingering over several occasions. Then, having sex for the first time felt wonderful, instead of the painful experience my friends had warned me of.