I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (36 page)

When I first kissed a girl, I wasn’t sure what to do with her boobs. Mine are pretty compact and hers were the real deal and I had no idea how she might want to be touched or even what you DO with them.

Others added:

○Flirting with, asking out, or otherwise finding a female partner can be tough since there’s less of a social script about how to do it—and because
you sometimes have to guess if a given woman would be flattered or offended to be asked out by another woman.

○Some women find it challenging to be sexually assertive, or to find a female partner who is. Relationships between women sometimes lack a sexual initiator, a role that men are often expected to assume.

○Compared with pleasuring a male partner, it can be harder to help a woman have an orgasm, to know if she came, and to climax simultaneously (that’s probably why simultaneous orgasm is less often a goal among lesbian couples).

○Some women feel guilty about having sex with other women, because we live in a homophobic society that’s uncomfortable with and sometimes hostile toward same-sex sex and relationships.

Lesbians and bisexual women also have to deal with the reality of homophobia in their lives. One nineteen-year-old woman commented on our survey, “I am constantly worried my family or someone from my hometown will find out and I will be disowned or killed because of it.” It’s not uncommon for GLBT people to fear being the victim of antigay violence. For more resources and support about this kind of violence, as well as same-sex sexual assault and domestic violence, contact the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs at
www.ncavp.org
, or call 212-714-1141.

Thanks to the work of many GLBT activists and straight allies, the United States is a much safer place for queer people than it was fifty or even twenty years ago. Activists have worked hard to pass antidiscrimination laws and other protections, and to help people become more understanding and accepting of the diversity of sexual orientations and gender identities. Unfortunately, while great progress has been made, there is still much work to be done as violence and discrimination against GLBT people continue across the country.

While the political work is being done, people continue to fall in love and have sex with partners of the same sex, as they have throughout history.

lesbian sex secrets

If you’re going to be rock and rolling with another woman, you’d be wise to take to heart these tips from women who have gone before you:

1. Cut your nails.
While there are exceptions to every rule, most women who have sex with women want their partner to have smooth, trimmed fingernails. Fingers and hands can be at the heart of the action when women sleep together, and being stabbed by a daggerlike fingernail between your legs isn’t pleasant. Some say the fastest way to distinguish between “lesbian” porn featuring women
pretending
to be lesbians, and porn featuring the real thing, is to check out the length of the women’s fingernails.

I enjoy using my hands to have sex with a woman. I enjoy most any sexual act with a woman, but using my hands I’m the most comfortable and have had the best results.

2. The journey may be the destination.
The process of enjoying each other’s bodies, touching and being touched (or licked, sucked, stroked, fingered) is the main point. Breast play or oral sex isn’t just “getting ready for the real part,” it
is
the real part. (Of course, this can be true for couples of any gender combination.) That means it can go on as long as you want. If you’re both enjoying it, be creative and get lost in the pleasure.

3. Rediscover the joy of grinding.
Many women find that rubbing their body against another woman’s body is a pleasure all its own. Rubbing your clits together can hit both of your most sensitive parts at once. Your breasts can rub against each other at the same time. There’s even a special word for woman-woman grinding, tribadism, but a lot of women just call it delicious.

I love being humped by a woman (though I HATE that word
—
it makes me think of dogs humping the legs of strangers). I think I really enjoy it because of the pressure on my pubic bone, and the feeling of moving together with someone in a kind of rhythm.

There’s something really amazing about grinding with a woman. It’s just pure, unhampered, skin-to-skin, sensual fun.

4. Call your own shots on penetration.
Whether or not you like the sensation of having something in your vagina is about as personal a preference as whether you sleep on your side or your stomach. Among queer women, penetration is totally optional. (It’s optional for straight women, too, but they often face way more pressure to have penetrative sex.) Your female partner’s never liked penetration? No problem! You can make her clit sing. You love the feeling of something inside you, the bigger, the better? The two of you can have a good ol’ time shopping for the biggest purple silicone schlong you can find. Of course, fingers and hands can work great for this, too. A woman may enjoy a finger or two inside her, unmoving, to give her something to squeeze against, but may not like the feeling of in-and-out thrusting. It’s totally up to you; your Queerness Quotient doesn’t hinge on your opinion about having anything in your vagina.

We use sex toys quite frequently and have dreams of building our own sex palace/dungeon! My partner has a transgendered identity and, thus, we do a lot of acts that could be interpreted as heterosexual (blow jobs, penile-vaginal/anal intercourse). Of course, we do these all with the aid of a harness and dildo. A strap-on is almost necessary for us to have a normal sex life.

5. Be smart about safer sex.
It’s a myth that lesbians aren’t at risk for HIV and STIs. It’s true that HIV risk is lower for women having sex with other women than for those sleeping with men, but it’s not zero. Plus, there’s no shortage of nasty STIs that women can inadvertently share with their partners through skin-to-skin contact (like grinding, described above), vaginal fluids, menstrual blood, or sharing sex toys. You’re not off the hook in the safer sex department just because the one between your sheets is female, so read up on the relevant sections of the Preventing Bugs and Babies chapter (page 250). You can skip the parts about accidentally getting pregnant—that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about if there are no sperm being released in the vicinity of your vagina!

sexy strap-ons

SOME FEMALE COUPLES have great fun having sex with a strap-on, a dildo worn in a harness. (Lots of straight couples play with a strap-on, too, using them for vaginal penetration, or for anal penetration of either partner.) Harnesses come in leather, vinyl, and rubber, with different designs depending on whether you want a center strap running between your legs or not. Most strap-on harnesses are designed for pelvic thrusting, but some women prefer thigh harnesses. Some harness designs give the wearer more clitoral pressure than others; some even have a pouch where the wearer can insert an egg vibrator. You can strap on a dildo of any size or style, as long as it has a base wide enough to keep it in the harness. For more on dildos, see page 176.

My girlfriend and I bought a blue silicone unrealistic six inch dildo and a nylon fabric harness from an Internet site. The dildo’s name is Ernie. We enjoy sex together very much, but she considers herself mostly straight and prefers the feeling of penetration. I also tried it out and it’s growing on me.

I love my cock—it’s huge and camouflage-colored. I use it with a leather harness. I got it shortly before I turned twenty. I wanted a cock that I could identify with, that would feel like an extension of my own body, not a toy.

It usually takes a while to get good at wearing and using a strap-on. There’s a reason why teenage boys tend to be awkward at intercourse at first. And guys don’t have to worry about adjusting straps just so, having their tool flop away from their pelvis, or not being able to feel where they’re thrusting! Like all things, practice helps, and it doesn’t have to be a perfect performance for both women to have fun. The woman wearing the strap-on may want to penetrate her partner with fingers first, and then gently insert the dildo. The woman being penetrated is always in charge, because she has nerve endings and the dildo doesn’t.

Strap-ons definitely aren’t a requirement for woman-on-woman sex; some find it easier to use a dildo by hand, or aren’t interested in penetration at all. But couples who love them think they’re a pretty sweet invention.

for more on lesbian sex

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book,
by Felice Newman

We’re endlessly impressed with this book, the best we’ve found on the subject. It’s fun to read, covers everything under the sun, and is as accepting and nonjudgmental as a good friend. Inclusive of bi women and trans people, as well as lesbians.

6. Most aspects of sex between women are in every other chapter of this book.
Lesbian, bi, and queer sex is about the clitoris and all the great things you can do with it (
chapter 1
), masturbation (
chapter 2
), oral sex (
chapter 4
), G-spots and female ejaculation (
chapter 6
), sex toys (
chapter 7
), and anal play (
chapter 10
). Enjoy!

orgasms and queer sex

WE SAID AT the start of this chapter that an orgasm is an orgasm. And yet, the dynamics of female orgasm change when women sleep with women. If intercourse is the presumed focus when women sleep with men, orgasms sometimes take on the same role for female couples. The goal becomes for both women to have an orgasm, which signifies that it’s time to get up and figure out what’s for dinner. (Maybe you’ve heard the old joke: “Why do people have orgasms?” “How else would we know when to stop?”) Of course, sex doesn’t have to lead to an orgasm every time for each partner, and sexual or sensual pleasure doesn’t have to end after the orgasms, unless you want it to. While some women lament how few sexual activities allow both partners to come at the same moment, most enjoy the fact that queer sex typically involves alternating and taking turns. That allows each partner to devote all her energy and focus at a given moment to either giving or receiving sexual pleasure, without trying to do both at once.

We find that lesbian and bisexual women who haven’t had an orgasm, or who find it difficult to do so, are often particularly troubled by this fact, as if “belonging to the lesbian club” should automatically make orgasms flow freely. The reality is
that having a female partner is no guarantee of having an orgasm—and not being able to “give” your female partner an orgasm doesn’t give you an F in Lesbianism. Some women having sex with women—like women having sex with men—need to touch their own clit or use a vibrator during partnered sex to be able to get off. That’s the reality of how some bodies work, not a sign of some shortcoming on the partner’s part.

Likewise, some women of all sexual orientations have bodies that just haven’t made the orgasm connection yet, for a myriad of reasons or no reason at all, as we explored in more detail in
chapter 3
. A small percentage of queer women who are able to come say doing so isn’t important to them. Some say that for them, the thrill of sex is pleasuring their female partner. Their sexual high point is the other woman’s big O.

One dynamic is nearly impossible to avoid when women have sex with each other: orgasm comparison, and sometimes orgasm competition. Given the orgasmic diversity in the universe, it’s unlikely that both women’s orgasms will be the same in any given relationship or interlude. More likely, one woman’s climaxes will be faster and the other’s slower, one’s will feel stronger and the other’s weaker, one’s will go on and on while the other’s slip by in the blink of an eye.

The solution? Well, it’s unlikely two women are going to become orgasmic twins, no matter how hard they try. (Of course, male-female couples also frequently have gaping differences between their orgasms, but they typically write these off as “men and women are different” and don’t expect otherwise.) Two women may feel compelled to experiment to see if new approaches could help the “lesser” orgasms get stronger, longer, or more likely to go from zero to sixty in 3.9 minutes. But rather than stressing too much, it’s probably best to acknowledge and embrace the fact that their sexual responses are different—not better or worse.

transgender experiences

WHEN WE TALK about “female orgasm” in a book like this, in most cases we’re talking about people for whom the doctor or midwife said, “It’s a girl!” when they were born. They have XX chromosomes, a vagina, and a clitoris, and when they reached puberty, they developed breasts and started menstruating. They grew up
in a culture that socialized them as girls and women. But there are also people who’ve had a different path to womanhood.

Some people, for example, were born with male genitalia and XY chromosomes. At birth, the doctor or midwife said they were male, and they were socialized to be boys and men, but as they grew up they felt they were female. Transgender is one word to describe people whose gender identity—who they feel they are inside—is different than the gender they were assigned at birth. In this case, the person might consider herself to be a transwoman, or MTF (for male to female). A transwoman may choose to take hormones like estrogen, and have surgery to make her body look more like the gender she feels she is. This could include surgery to enhance her breasts and to transform her penis into a clitoris and a vagina. Some transwomen don’t take hormones or have surgery, but still identify as female.