I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (18 page)

With that said, you’ll notice we recommend “a
reasonable
amount of patience.” Some partners mistakenly interpret our advice as if the goal is an entry in the
Guinness Book of World Records
for Longest Licker. For your own sake and hers, be willing to change positions and make adjustments (add pillows, etc.) so you don’t end up stiff and grumpy. Also, remember that not all women can have orgasms, and not all can come from oral. If she gets the impression that you’re going to keep eating at
the Y until the cows come home, she may feel forced to figure out a way to wrap things up.

If the guy is down there for a long time, I can never figure out if he wants to come up for air or if he’s enjoying himself, so I usually end up faking an orgasm.

Okay, so some women would be happy if you stayed there all night, and others get antsy far sooner. How can you tell the difference? Ask her. If you’re having trouble reading her cues about whether she’s enjoying herself and just needs more time or is ready to move on to something else, you can always whisper sweetly, “Would you like me to keep going? I’d be happy to, if you want.”

going down: tips for partners, continued

IF YOU FANCY dining downtown, don’t take the express train straight from kissing to clit-licking. Work your way there gradually. Caress her breasts and suck on her nipples. Kiss her abdomen, her belly, her thighs, the crease where thigh becomes vulva. If she’s wearing pants or underwear, breathing on her crotch or licking the fabric can be sexy. Once you’re skin to skin, spend some time licking and kissing the outside of her vulva. Not only are you building her anticipation and arousal, but you’re also letting her know that you like her body, not just her “hot spots.”

You’re aiming for her clit eventually, but even with your head between her thighs, don’t jump directly to it. Explore her vulva with your mouth and tongue. Use your hands to gently open her outer lips if you need to. Lick all around slowly and appreciatively, as if her genitals were a delicious treat that you wanted to savor all over.

Once you’ve gotten that far, here are the compiled dos and don’ts from the
776
women who completed this section of our survey:

○
DO focus on the external part of her clitoris, directly or indirectly.
The number one piece of advice women said they’d like to give their partners was, “Concentrate on the clitoris,” “Lick the clitoris plenty,” and “Stick to the
outside: the clit!” In the space for oral sex advice one woman wrote simply, “Clit. Clit. Clit. Clit. Clit.” Many women wrote variations of this:

I’ve had men try to use their tongue like they would their penis. Big mistake! The beauty of oral sex is that penetration isn’t the only option. In fact, the main objective is clit stimulation.

If you’re not quite sure where to find the magic button, see page 70. Women’s anatomy varies quite a bit from one to the next, making some clits easier to find than others. If you’re not positive, ask her! You don’t have to say, “Uh, honey? Where’s your clitoris?” Rather, try saying, “Show me where it feels good to you,” or asking, “Is this the place where it feels best for you?” Remember that the very tip of the clit is often too sensitive—she’ll likely prefer your attention to the shaft of the clitoris, or just off to one side or the other.

○
DON’T get obsessed with the clitoris, though.
Women have somewhat conflicting preferences on this, but most say they want some attention to other parts of their vulva, not only their clit. Ask her to be sure; after you’ve been going at it for a while, you can say, “Do you like it better if I just focus on your clit, or if I mix it up more?”

Act like you’re French kissing my clit and labia. Suck on my labia. If I’m acting like I’m into it, don’t change what you’re doing, just keep right on at it.

Caressing or kneading the thighs and getting the fingers involved are good ideas.

Varying strokes and tempo is important. Touching around the clitoris is just as stimulating as actually touching it, if not more so.

○
DO be gentle, particularly at first.
Women say some partners make the mistake of diving directly for the clit and then licking ferociously. Instead of jumping in hard or fast, start out tenderly, licking gently. If you’re not sure, ask her, “Harder? Softer?”

stuff to try

• Add zing to your lips, and hers, by chewing on Altoids, letting a Listerine strip dissolve in your mouth, sucking on an ice cube, or sipping a warm liquid before going down. Fizzy liquids like sparkling water or champagne can be a treat, too.

• Make dining down under even tastier by adding whipped cream, strawberries, kiwi fruit, or anything else you can think of. Foods with oil in them aren’t compatible with latex, but they’re fine with plastic wrap. Although foods with high sugar content (like all the ones we just listed!) can increase the chance of a yeast infection, many women tolerate occasional food play just fine. If your partner is particularly prone to yeast infections, play with food on her thighs and on the outside of her labia.

• Try humming over her clitoris–the vibrations can feel great. (But we bet you can’t do it long without laughing.)

I love when my partner acts like he’s really into it and loves my pussy. That makes me feel sexy and more likely to come. And I cannot stress a gentle touch at first enough. A stronger touch should come only when the clit gets hard.

Don’t push too hard on my clit. That thing is sensitive. A little goes a long way!

○
DO incorporate your entire mouth.
This is another one of those subjects where porn is wildly misleading. In porn, the camera zooms in for a close-up of the actor or actress sticking his or her tongue out and flicking the clit. This is for the pleasure of the porn viewer, not necessarily the woman receiving the oral sex. In real life, women say that lips, mouths, and the
flat
part of the tongue (not just the tip) can provide great stimulation, too. In great oral sex in the real world (not for the cameras), the partner’s face
and mouth are usually too close to the woman’s vulva for an observer to see the tongue movements.

○
DO let your fingers do the walking.
Most women say they love the extra stimulation that fingers and hands can provide during oral sex. Depending on your position, while your mouth is on her vulva you may be able to use your hands to stroke or massage her thighs, caress her breasts and nipples, or insert a finger or two in her vagina for G-spot stimulation, particularly once she’s turned on.

I don’t normally get an orgasm from just oral sex. It has to be combined with fingering.

Fingers are nice sometimes but sometimes they’re also distracting, especially when you’re trying really hard to focus.

○
DO experiment with a variety of tongue motions to figure out what she likes best.
If they give it no thought, many partners settle into a methodical up-down lick, lick, lick routine disturbingly similar to a cat grooming himself. This may do the trick for some women, but many prefer a bit of variety, especially early on. Try fluttering, flicking, slow steady strokes, circles and swirls, and listen for her responses. You can also add variety to simple strokes by speeding up and slowing down, and changing the amount of pressure. If you find a stroke or two she likes a lot, stick with those. If she’s being too quiet to give you feedback clues, easy-to-use check-in questions are, “How’s this?” and “Does this work?”

○
DON’T go wandering once she lets you know you’ve hit the groove.
Many respondents had strong feelings about this, perhaps from being left in the lurch a few too many times:

DON’T STOP! The worst is when I’m almost “there” and the other person stops licking or moves to a different spot. I completely lose it and have to start over again. If I ask you not to stop or not to move (“Right there!”), then please don’t, unless you really need to come up for air. Don’t just decide you’re going to do something else for a while.

Whenever a girl starts moaning or making noise (as long as it’s pleasant noise), keep doing what you are doing. So many times, partners try something different when I start making noise and it just ruins the whole thing.

○
DON’T suck hard or bite.
Women repeatedly say “Ouch!” to these techniques. While some women like gentle, brief sucking, many find it unpleasant. And save nibbling with your teeth for some other erogenous zone. Unless, of course, she tells you biting is what she likes.

Sucking is painful and should not be done. I think some men see it in pornography and assume that it feels good. It may to some, but it must be done VERY softly if at all.

As much as guys don’t want girls using teeth, girls don’t want that either! It hurts.

should i lick the alphabet?

THE LICKING-THE-alphabet cunnilingus technique was popularized by a comedian, Sam Kinison, but it’s no joke. Licking each letter of the alphabet keeps the licker awake (a fact which should please any lickee), and hits lots of possible tongue angles and directions. It’s probably best used as an information-gathering tool, rather than a surefire orgasm technique, because most women want their partner to settle into a more consistent, repetitive motion when they’re close to coming. One woman put it best when she told us on our survey, “The ‘Oral Alphabet’ is a good start. When your partner draws each letter on your genitals, focus on which letters feel the best and ask him/her to use those movements more frequently.” Your partner might be a W girl–but don’t be disappointed if you learn that a boring, repetitive set of I, I, I, I, I or a long string of hyphens is what really gets her hot.

○
DON’T
rush or give up too soon. You may have a mightily disappointed partner if you treat oral sex as a 40-yard dash to her orgasm, or a chore to be completed as quickly as possible to “get her ready for the ol’ in-out.” Instead, find a position that’s going to be comfortable for you (see our suggestions above), and then take your time.

I think people assume that everything has to be so fast to be erotic. It really doesn’t. Going slow and gently massaging the genital area with your tongue is very erotic.

○
DO connect after she comes.
If you’ve been down below for a while, it can be nice to cuddle and have some full-body contact after her orgasm. Some women like to taste their own juices in your kisses, but others don’t, so check in with her about this. If you know she’s in the latter category, wipe your mouth off on a tissue or the sheets, or have a sip of water, before you snuggle up. Let her bask in her orgasmic aftershocks and catch her breath before making it obvious that you’re eager for her to return the oral favor. Some women with male partners, but not all, love intercourse after oral sex.

you with your head between her thighs: you’re under arrest

UNTIL JUNE 2003, oral sex was illegal in ten states (Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Utah, and Virginia). In four more states (Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, and Texas), different-sex couples were free to give each other as much oral as they pleased, but the identical act was illegal for same-sex couples. A now-famous Supreme Court decision,
Lawrence v. Texas,
declared all such laws unconstitutional, concluding that what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business. So, lick away, and breathe easy!

5

Doin’ It, and Doin’ It, and Doin’ It Well:
intercourse & female orgasm

not as easy as it looks on tv

In movies, TV
shows, and romance novels, most female orgasms happen during intercourse. A man puts his penis inside a woman (this is mainstream, hetero pop culture we’re talking about), there’s some thrusting for a minute or two (which you may or may not see depending on the TV channel or the movie’s rating), the couple’s excited moans build to a frenzy, and they both explode in simultaneous orgasm.

Given how familiar that scene is, in the real world, women who sleep with men are often surprised and frustrated by how intercourse works—or doesn’t—in their own bedrooms. The facts are stark: Only about 30 percent of women have orgasms through intercourse alone. That means 70 percent of women who have sex with men aren’t having orgasms that way.

Why doesn’t it work for most women? As you know, the clitoris is the organ most women need stimulated to be able to have an orgasm, and the most sensitive part of the clit is on the outside of a woman’s body. While intercourse is very well designed to lead to male orgasm, it’s not so good at producing the female variety. Women may find penetration pleasurable (or not, depending on the
woman), but for most women it’s not the right kind of stimulation in the right place to lead to a big O.

Since people’s experience with intercourse varies tremendously (as with all sexual matters), in this chapter you’ll find:

○intercourse tips and positions that score extra points for female pleasure

○lots of ideas for the majority of women who find orgasms during intercourse tough or impossible to come by, strategies to tip the odds in your favor, and what to do if it just ain’t happening