I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (22 page)

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Use your mind.
The mind is a powerful thing in the quest for orgasms, and two-thirds of the women who answered our survey said they used fantasy at least sometimes while having sex with a partner. Find the images or stories that turn you on, and use them while you’re having sex with your partner. For more about the wonders of using your own imagination, see page 29.

Does size matter? No research study has found that penis size makes a difference in terms of a woman’s ability to have orgasms during intercourse. On page 214, read what we’ve learned from discussing the matter with thousands of women.

One or two of these tips could work for you. Or none of them may work. Keep in mind that while coming hands-free during intercourse can be fun, there’s no rule that says it’s the best way. If you’re the kind of woman who has orgasms relatively easily, from a wide variety of kinds of stimulation, you’re more likely to find these techniques may work for you. If, on the other hand, you’re a woman whose body has more specific requirements—you need good, long stimulation of just the right spot with exactly the right motion and the perfect amount of lubrication—it’ll probably be more difficult for you to replicate those conditions. And that’s okay, too.

the wonders of lube

LUBE IS ONE of those secrets to great sex that many people wish they’d discovered much earlier in their lives. Lubricant makes things slide better—and therefore feel better—by reducing friction during sex. Women’s bodies lubricate all by themselves: women get wet as they get aroused, which is a very lovely thing. But things slide better against each other if
both
surfaces are wet, rather than a wet surface sliding against a dry surface. Using lube isn’t a sign that something is amiss, any more than shaving with shaving cream is a sign of weakness.

the myth of the vaginal orgasm

ONE HUNDRED YEARS ago, Sigmund Freud made a mistake when he declared the existence of the “vaginal orgasm,” and wrote that it was far more desirable than its sorry cousin, the clitoral orgasm. Plenty of people throughout human history have been wrong about things: The early Greeks believed the world was flat. Orville and Wilbur Wright first built airplanes that didn’t fly. In Colonial times many people slept propped up because they thought they’d die if they lay flat. Today, we see these other errors as quaintly misguided. But for some reason, the mistaken concept of the vaginal orgasm hasn’t faded away.

It’s now well established that there’s only one kind of female orgasm. Certainly, different kinds of stimulation can bring on an orgasm, and various different nerves can be involved. An orgasm with or without penetration, with or without a vibrator, with or without extended tantric breathing, can
feel
very different. But what’s happening in your body once the waves of sensation begin is the same, no matter what kind of stimulation brought it on. The clitoris–including the clit’s internal and external structures–is responsible for all orgasms, even those that happen during intercourse. And the muscles of the vagina are involved in most orgasms once the orgasm begins.

Adding lube can be a great option for days when a woman isn’t quite as wet as she’d like to be (this can be affected by where she is in her menstrual cycle, stress, drugs, alcohol, age, or nothing at all), when you’re having a longer sex session, when you’re using condoms or sex toys (which can dry things out a little),
or anytime you just want to make sure sex stays nice and slippery. We’re not talking about the lube that comes on a lubricated condom, though that’s a start—we mean lube like Astroglide, ID, Wet, K-Y, and many other brands that you buy in a bottle or tube at a pharmacy (near the condom section) or sex store. Some particularly cool sex stores have lube sampling stations with lots of lube brands where you can put a few drops on your fingertips and rub it around for a while to see which consistency you like best.

Lube is great for intercourse, essential for anal sex, and an excellent option for sex toys. Lots of women and men use lube (or their own saliva) for masturbation, too. For intercourse, you use lube by putting it on the guy’s penis (on top of the condom, or directly on his penis if he’s not wearing a condom) and/or around the entrance to and inside the woman’s vagina. Adding a drop of lube inside a condom, or on the woman’s clit underneath a dental dam or plastic wrap for safer oral sex on a woman, can add sensitivity for the person wearing the condom or being licked (for more on these safer sex methods, see page 263).

Because lube decreases friction, it reduces the chance that a condom will break, so adding lube when you’re using condoms actually makes sex safer. The very first time you have intercourse is a fantastic time to use lube, because it makes everything slide better and can make the first time more comfortable. Too bad most people having sex for the first time don’t even know lube exists!

There are three basic kinds of lubricants: water-based, oil-based, and silicone. Water-based is the most popular for most situations. It’s totally safe to use with latex condoms, and if it dries out a little while you’re using it you can just add some water to rejuvenate it (some couples keep a spray bottle next to the bed). Some water-based lubes contain glycerin, a sugar, which can cause yeast infections. If you find yourself prone to yeast infections, you may want seek out the glycerin-free kind. Glycerin is particularly common in flavored lubes, which are fun for oral sex but not as good for vaginal sex.

Oil-based lubes like massage oil, hand lotion, or chocolate sauce are fine for male masturbation, and for anal play if you’re not using safer sex supplies, but not good for much else. Oil can lead to vaginal infections because it can trap bacteria inside the vagina. Oily lubes also aren’t safe to use with latex condoms, because oil breaks down latex, so your condom could break (that means no chocolate-sauce oral sex on her followed by a romping session of condom-based intercourse).

Silicone lube is the newest on the block. It’s safe with condoms, doesn’t dry out as quickly as water-based lube, and can even be used underwater (ooh! ahh!). Some people find silicone lubes feel warmer, because they transmit heat better. They cost more than water-based lubes, and you need soap and water to wash them off. If you want to use silicone lube with a silicone sex toy, put a condom on it, because the silicone-silicone chemical reaction could melt your favorite toy.

Most women tell us they don’t like warming gels and lubes (products that warm up with breath or rubbing). Many who tried one said that instead of feeling gently warm, it was burning hot! Some brands are milder than others, though, and a few women like the way they get their blood flowing. If you’re curious, you may want to experiment with different kinds and start with a tiny dab to prevent a fiery surprise.

a sex ed party trick

HERE’S SOMETHING TO amuse you and your friends when you’re hanging out late at night. Blow up two regular latex condoms like balloons and tie them off. On one condom balloon, wipe some water-based lube. On the other, wipe something oil-based (Vaseline, vegetable oil, hand lotion, etc.). Make sure you know which balloon is which.

Put them aside in a place where you can see them. Talk amongst yourselves. At some point later that night, the condom balloon with the oily lube will pop all by itself, because oil breaks down the latex over time.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should never use oil-based lube when you’re using latex condoms!

simultaneous orgasms

IF MOVIES AND romance novels were your only source of information, you might conclude that simultaneous orgasms are the only kind that are physically possible. Anyone who’s ever attempted this feat with a partner knows that’s not quite so. While exploding at the same moment isn’t impossible, it’s not likely to happen without a lot of work. Often that work means that the partner who tends to come faster is going cross-eyed trying to hold back, while the partner who tends to take longer is trying every trick she or he can think of to speed up. In the end, if both people do succeed in coming simultaneously, they may just decide they were working so hard they didn’t get to have very much fun.

In ancient Greece, Hippocrates believed that simultaneous orgasms were necessary for a woman to conceive, inventing the goal that many modern couples still aspire to. Now that we know that women can get pregnant regardless of the timing or existence of their orgasms, there’s no reason that coming at the same time is better than any other way. (Besides, most couples having intercourse these days aren’t hoping to get pregnant.) Sure, simultaneous orgasms can be fun, but they’re not evidence that two people were made for each other, trophies for award-winning sex, or markers of true love.

your body wants to get you pregnant

MANY WOMEN FIND they’re horniest around the most fertile time of their cycle, the days before they ovulate. Why? A combination of high levels of estrogen and lots of slippery, wet cervical fluid (healthy vaginal secretions) combine to pump up your libido. It’s nature’s way of trying to seduce you into having sex–and getting you pregnant. (This effect may be different or nonexistent if you’re on a hormonal form of birth control.)

Want to be able to tell with confidence when you’re fertile and when you’re not, even if your menstrual cycles are irregular? We recommend the book
Taking Charge of Your Fertility
by Toni Weschler–it rocks our socks. If you’re having the kind of sex where a sperm could come into contact with an egg, but you don’t want to get pregnant, see page 252 for an overview of birth control options.

Many couples find they actually enjoy their orgasms more if they don’t even try to make them happen at the same time. With the “sequential orgasm” approach, partners alternate their focus between one person’s pleasure and the other. The one being pleasured gets to luxuriate in the sensations without worrying about either racing or holding back. The one helping to provide pleasure gets the fun of the sights and sounds of his or her partner getting really turned on and having an orgasm. If their orgasms just happen to coincide, these couples certainly enjoy them, but they let go of the simultaneous goal most of the time.

If you and your partner do decide to try to come together, the best strategy for male-female couples is usually to have the guy handle the timing. It’s much harder for a woman to control the speed and timing of her orgasm, but if a man has finely tuned ejaculatory control (for more on how this works, see page 210), he may be able to get himself close to orgasm and then hover around that arousal level for a while until she cues him that she’s getting close. Once her orgasm starts, he can try to join in quickly.

what is tantric sex?

TANTRIC SEX IS a sexuality practice that emphasizes spirituality and energy exchange between two people. Rooted in India and various Eastern religions, tantric sexuality belief systems, approaches, and techniques are diverse. They often include slow, ritualized breathing; extended eye contact between partners; and aspects of yoga, meditation, and focused self- and partner-awareness. It’s possible to spend a lifetime studying tantra, and there are countless books, websites, and workshops where you can learn more if the subject interests you.

We began with intense foreplay that involved slowly touching each other’s body for a really long time. After this, we were so in tune to each other’s needs that the sex was slow and passionate. We breathed in unison, finished together. It was fantastic.

Some practitioners say tantric sex revolutionizes and enhances their sex life, shifting the focus away from seeing erection, ejaculation, and orgasm as goals, and instead allowing them to make love for far longer, feel a deeper and more intimate connection with their partner, and “channel the divine energy of the universe.” Others say it’s just not their thing, preferring the attitude of the book called
Life’s Too Short for Tantric Sex.