Keeping Secrets (2 page)

A curious look appeared on Secret's face as her father steered the car down a dark alley. “Daddy, where are we going?” she asked, looking around.

“Oh, uh, yeah, baby,” Rolland stammered, “this is where I said I had to stop off first before we go get your graduation present. I was thinking we'd go grab a bite to eat as well.” Rolland drove down the alley at a snail's pace, squinting his eyes as if he was looking for something . . . or someone. “You hungry?”

“Yeah,” Secret said, no longer focusing on her suspect surroundings as a thought popped in her head. “Oh, and Mama is hungry too. She wants us to bring her back something to eat.”

Rolland didn't reply as he hit the brakes.

“What are we stopping in the middle of a dark alley for?” Secret asked, slightly paranoid. She then noticed a dark figure in the headlights. At first she didn't know what to think, if they were about to get robbed, carjacked, or what. But when Rolland started to roll his window down, Secret eased up a little bit, figuring he must be someone her father knew.

“What up, blood?” Rolland said to the dude right before they gave each other some dap.

“Same ol', same ol',” the guy replied. He then bent down and took a look at Secret. “What's up, pretty girl?” he said, showing his teeth, mostly blinged out.

Secret just nodded. She didn't like the way the man was looking at her, like he was undressing her with his eyes, so she quickly looked away toward her father. “Daddy, I'm ready to go get something to eat.” Secret hoped her father caught on to the fact that that was code for, “Let's get the hell out of here; this dude is creeping me out.”

“Yeah, yeah, in minute, baby girl,” Rolland told his daughter without taking his eyes off his friend.

“If you hungry, I got you, pretty girl,” Rolland's friend said to Secret. “As a matter of fact, I think I have just what you like.” He looked at Rolland. “So what's up? What time you gon' come back? A couple of hours?” He looked over at Secret and then licked his lips. “Matter of fact, make it three. And don't worry, I'll hook you up with a little somethin'-somethin' extra.”

“Daddy,” Secret said, tensing up. “Let's go. I . . . I just want to go home.” Secret didn't hide the fact that she was scared. She felt as if she was part of a plan that she knew nothing about, yet the plan involved her.

“Hold up, baby girl.” Rolland turned his body as much as he could in his seat to face Secret. “Remember when you said you'd do anything for Daddy? Well, baby, right now I really need you to make good on your word.” He squirmed a little. “You see Daddy is having it real hard right now. I been off that stuff a little bit now, but you know I did that bid in jail, too.”

Secret didn't know exactly which bid he was talking about. He'd done several. As a matter of fact, that's one of the reasons why he'd been out of her life so much, because he was in jail so much.

“I just need you to do me this one solid. Please, Secret, and I promise I won't ever ask you to do anything like this again.” He nodded over his shoulder to the man standing outside the window. Then in a whispered tone he said, “Just a couple hours with him and I swear to—”

“Daddy, no!” Secret yelled out, her eyes filling with tears. “How could you?” She turned to try to get out of the car but Rolland stopped her by grabbing her arm.

“Just wait, Secret. Please, Daddy needs you to do this.”

Secret just sat there trembling with fear, tears rolling down her face.

“Look, keepin' it one hun'id; Daddy owes some really bad people a lot of money. If I don't pay them, baby girl, you probably won't ever see your daddy again . . . alive that is. And I ain't just talking shit either, Secret. They gon' kill your daddy if I don't get them their money.” Rolland fought back tears of his own.

Secret just sat there shaking her head. “Daddy, how could you? How could you ask your daughter to . . .” She couldn't even say it, let alone ever imagining doing it.

Rolland exhaled. “I know. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. This is crazy. I was just desperate. I was just trying to get my life back together so that I could be a better man, be a better father to you.” He buried his face in his hands. “Will you forgive me, baby girl? Oh God, will you forgive me?” He cried as his shoulders heaved up and down.

Secret's chest was rising up and down. She was plagued with fear, sorrow, disappointment, betrayal, and disbelief. As she looked at her father, she started to feel sorry for him as well. On top of all that, she was feeling confused. She'd already forgiven her father once today. She never saw it coming that she'd be having to forgive him again, and so soon.

“Look, it ain't going down,” Rolland turned and said to the guy.

The dude raised his hands in the air, his facial expression questioning what was going on. “Man, what the fuck? How you gon' play me? How you gon' set this shit up, get my dick all hard”—he grabbed his manhood—“and then say some bullshit-ass ‘it ain't going down'?”

“Look, I made a mistake. I fucked up,” Rolland told the guy. “Sorry.” He then rolled the window up and very slowly proceeded to drive off.

Secret exhaled. She was just so happy to be out of that situation that she was more glad than mad at her father right now. At least he'd come to his senses on the matter.

“I'm so sorry, baby girl.” Rolland began to cry. “I feel so ashamed I want to die. I should just kill myself.” Rolland began beating his head on the steering wheel repeatedly while yelling out, “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I'm so stupid! I deserve to die anyway. I don't even deserve to be in your life.”

“Daddy, stop. Please stop.” Secret reached over and grabbed her father to keep him from slamming his head into the steering wheel again. “Daddy, don't hurt yourself like that.”

“Why? I'm going to be dead by the morning anyway. I might as well kill myself, 'cause they gon' kill me anyway.” He looked into his daughter's eyes. “Secret, they gon' kill your daddy.” Rolland began to cry harder, snot running out of his nose and everything.

Secret became so emotional that she wrapped her arms around her father and began to cry just as hard as he was. She hated seeing him like this. The way he looked, he was already dead. And how Secret saw it, his blood would be on her hands. How would she be able to live with herself? On the other hand, her father had been anything but father of the year. He didn't deserve for her to sacrifice herself just to save him. But then she thought about the message that preacher had taught a couple months ago when her best friend, Shawndiece, invited her to Friends and Family Day at her cousin's church. The family who brought the most people to church got a free dinner, which was the only reason why Shawndiece even set foot in the church. Secret had gone to church lots of times with her grandmother. As far as she was concerned, her mother might as well have been Satan himself, so no way did they ever go to church together.

That preacher at Shawdiece's cousin's church had spoken about how no one on earth had deserved it, yet Jesus had sacrificed His life for them.
And look what happened to Him.

“Daddy, stop the car,” Secret said.

“Huh? What?” Rolland asked.

“I said stop the car.” Looking straight ahead Secret said, “Go back.”

Rolland put his foot on the brake. “Do . . . do you really mean it?” Rolland could hardly keep himself in check. He would have jumped in the air and clicked his heels together if he could have.

“Please, Daddy. Just turn the car around before I change my mind,” Secret said, closing her eyes and swallowing hard.

Rolland was all too quick to wipe his drying tears away, put a smirk on his face, and throw the car in reverse.

Secret tried to think of how Jesus was now sitting at the right hand of God up in heaven for the sacrifice He'd made. Secret knew she was no Jesus, but what she did know was that like Jesus, she'd have to go through hell first in order to get to heaven.

“Don't be scared,” the man who Secret had first seen in the headlights of her father's car said to her. Now they were no longer in a dark alley, but in a Cape Cod–style home.

After her father had let her out of the car, promising he'd be right there in that alley waiting for her once she was finished handling her business, the man had led Secret through a gate, up a pathway, and into the back door of the home. Upon entering the house, she was greeted by a candlelit table set for two. There was a spread of food: fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, macaroni and cheese, biscuits, and a chocolate cake with white icing drizzling down it. Under closer observation, Secret realized the meal was compliments of KFC. Her mother ate it so much, she'd know their food anywhere.

“See, told you if you were hungry I got you,” the man said, extending his hand toward the food. “I even got you some of this.” He walked over to the table and pulled out a bottle of Moscato from a silver-tin bucket filled with ice that was resting in between the candles. His smile was a mile wide and reeked of pride. “Umm, hmm, you like that don't you? Your boy is on point, huh?”

“I'm not old enough to drink,” Secret said, raining on his parade.

His smile turned upside down as he placed the bottle back into its resting place. He thought for a moment and then rushed over to the refrigerator. “Ta-da.” He beamed, pulling out a half-empty two liter of Tahitian Treat. “Just cracked it open for lunch today. It should still have most of its fizz.”

Secret could tell that the man seemed to be trying hard to impress her, only she couldn't reciprocate his enthusiasm. Not being enthused was an understatement.

“So, have a seat.” He pulled out a chair for Secret.

“Thank you, but I'm not hungry. I just want to get this over with.” Secret didn't say the words nasty or mean or anything. She really did just want to get it over. She was five seconds from turning around and running out of that door. She considered the fact that Rolland had pretty much been dead in her life anyway since he never really came around. What would be the difference if he really did end up dead?

But before the five seconds was up, the man approached Secret and began kissing on her. His tongue felt like that of a slithering snake. There was no way she could get into this, because a snake was a snake and eventually she knew it would bite. She could feel his hands, tongue, and other parts of his body taking over hers right there in the kitchen. It was as if she'd already been bitten and now the poison had paralyzed her and she couldn't move. She couldn't do anything but stand there and allow the snake to eat her alive.

At least maybe now I will be immune to a man's venom . . . I mean a snake's,
Secret thought. But that's about as much detail as there was. Once Secret felt her clothing being removed, it was now like she was the snake, shedding her skin. So not only was her clothing, her skin, being removed, so was her soul. So she removed herself mentally as well. This would be the discovery of a characteristic Secret would find herself having to use often in life.

Her thoughts fast-forwarded to her running out to the mailbox and finding a letter stating that she'd received a full ride to college. She imagined packing up and heading off to Columbus, Ohio on the Greyhound, where her new dorm and the best and most fun roommate in the world would await her. She'd live the life a college freshmen should live, cramming for midterms and finals all week while partying on the weekends.

“Was you a virgin or something?”

The man's question pulled Secret from her daydreams back to reality. Reality was him standing over her, looking down at his wet penis. The coldness from the kitchen floor on her bare backside gave her chills. She sat up, bringing her knees to her chest and hugging her arms around them.

“Or was you on your period or something?” he asked. “Because there's blood on my shit.” He grabbed a napkin from off the kitchen table and began wiping himself.

“Both,” Secret said nonchalantly.

“Motherfucker,” he said as he turned and headed down the bathroom, fussing and cussing the entire time.

Secret couldn't help but to let out a chuckle. She wasn't really on her period. She'd already had it last week. She just wanted to gross him out. Looked like it had worked. She was a virgin though, which was why she forced herself to mentally escape while he was having sex with her. She knew it would hurt and she didn't want to experience the pain. At least not while he was penetrating her. But as she sat there on the floor, gathering her clothing, she could feel it now.

Secret heard the water running in the bathroom and figured the man, whose name she never bothered to ask, was cleaning himself up. What did she need to know his name for? If there was a God, she'd never have to see the likes of him ever again.

A few minutes later, after Secret had gotten herself dressed, the man came back into the kitchen.

“Here, it's all there.” He handed her an envelope.

“What's this?” Secret asked, taking the envelope.

“It's your old man's money,” he replied. “I don't know how y'all gon' split that up, but this one is just for you.” He proceeded to hand Secret another envelope. “It's an extra G.” He put his head down. “What you gave me was special. I figure the least I can do is give you a little something extra.”

Secret didn't know what to say, so she said nothing.

After a few moments of silence, the man walked over and opened the door. “I'll walk you out.”

“No, thank you,” Secret said. “I'm good.”

“Indeed you are,” the man said. “And if you ever need anything”—he grazed Secret's chin with his index finger—“you know where to find me. I'm sure we can work something out—you know, some type of barter and trade.” He winked.

Secret looked down and turned to exit. Before walking out the door she turned to the man and said, “As a matter of fact, there is something I need.”

 

 

When Secret entered her apartment, Yolanda was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette. “Let me see what that cheap-ass bastard got you for your graduation,” Yolanda said.

Secret thought for a minute. “Oh, I, uh, left it in his car,” she lied. She wasn't about to tell her mother that her father hadn't even managed to get her a graduation present. Yolanda would run with that for months, reminding Secret every chance she got how she wasn't even worthy of her own father buying her a gift.

“Well, what was it?”

Secret had to think quickly on her feet. “Just a couple things for when I go off to college.”

“Humph,” Yolanda said. She took a puff of her cigarette and then just looked at Secret, who was standing there, silent, her head down. “What the fuck wrong with you? Over there looking like you just lost your best friend or something.”

“Nothing, I'm good. Just tired. I'm going to go take a shower and go to bed.” Secret headed toward her bedroom. Even if she and her mother had the Clair and Denise Huxtable mother-daughter type of relationship, what she'd just experienced wasn't something she felt like sitting down to chop it up about. She never wanted to think about it again, let alone talk about it. She just wanted to go take a shower, go to bed, and then wake up to another day in the hood, counting toward the day she'd get out of the hood.

“What's that in your hand?”

Secret stopped in her tracks and looked down at the foil-covered plate. She'd forgotten all about it and that she was even holding it. “Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.” She walked over to where Yolanda was sitting and extended the plate to her.

Yolanda snatched it and began to unwrap it. Inside were four pieces of KFC and some sides. Before leaving the guy's house, Secret had asked him if it was okay if she made a plate to go. He obliged her by telling her to take all that she wanted. Afterward, she walked out to Rolland's car, which was parked in the exact same spot in the alley as when she'd left it.

When she got in she just handed him the envelope. The two didn't even make eye contact. There was no way Secret could look into her father's eyes knowing he knew the deed she'd just done. She'd just given her body to a man. Even though it was her father who had handed her to the man on a silver platter, she still felt like a cheap $9.99 all-you-can-eat buffet.

Even when Secret handed her father the envelope the man had given her, he opened his mouth to start to say “thank you” to her, but then closed it when he realized that no words were ever going to come out. Secret imagined there was nothing he could possibly say anyway to take away the worthless feeling that was polluting her thoughts. Even when he pulled up in front of Secret's apartment to drop her off, there was no good-bye. As Secret walked up her walkway, she knew she'd never see Rolland again. The irony of it all; he was as good as dead.

“Good, it's fried. Not that baked shit,” Yolanda said, picking up a piece of chicken and taking a bite.

Secret headed toward her bedroom

“What you want me to do? Eat this with my goddamn fingers?”

Secret made a detour to the kitchen, grabbed her mother a fork, and then walked it back to her. Yolanda took it and dug right into the macaroni and cheese.

Before Secret started her trek to her bedroom yet again, she remembered something else. She reached down in her purse and pulled out the other envelope the man had given her to keep. She threw it on the couch next to Yolanda, then turned and walked to her bedroom.

“What's this?” Yolanda said with a mouthful of food.

“It's compliments of Dad. I guess you could say back child support,” she said before going in her room and closing the door behind her.