Life on the Ramona Coaster (22 page)

I was talking to a friend recently who said that people step outside the marriage because something has already broken down from within, sometimes even years earlier. I’m very strong and outgoing. I know what I want and go after it. I’m direct and I speak my mind, but I’m not always sensitive to other people’s feelings. Mario is the polar opposite. He’s very warm and sensitive, but he can also be very passive and uncommunicative. Initially, that was what drew us to one another. For years we balanced each other out, but somewhere along the way, the thing that made us work became the very thing that was tearing us apart. I think I became too strong for him and he began to resent me for it. I’ve asked myself over and over how, after twenty-plus years, we fell apart so quickly and painfully. I think the real reason our marriage failed is that we had a breakdown in communication. It boils down to the simple truth that I wasn’t attuned enough to his needs and he wasn’t articulating how much he needed. Resentment built up until finally it broke us.

I believe that when a spouse strays outside a marriage of many years, more often than not, it’s not usually about the partner. I think it comes from a place of deep unhappiness and instead of communicating with their partner, the spouse goes looking outside the marriage for something to make him or her feel whole again. My advice to anyone who is contemplating stepping outside a marriage because he or she thinks a connection with someone else will fill that void, is to first go to your partner and communicate by saying,
I don’t feel good about myself. I don’t feel good about us. Can you talk to me? Can you hold me? I need special attention
. An affair is a quick fix, but it is not a solution. The underlying issues that caused you to behave in a self-destructive way will still be there and now you have dragged your family down with you. Try counseling or at least make time for a quiet dinner together. In marriage, even if there’s still passion and there’s still love, it’s easy to fall into living parallel lives. Unless one person says,
I’m in pain right now
, the other person has no way of knowing and can’t help. Once communication breaks down, wounds will fester and even the strongest marriage can fall apart.

Of all the things I’ve been through this is by far the most painful. I used to think the hardest thing was watching Mario deal with his anxieties about his company. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, thinking my life was a nightmare because my husband was so upset and couldn’t get out of his own head. But at least then I felt that he still needed me; at least he was there by my side and he would say,
I love you
and
thank you for supporting me
. I think maybe the reason why I stayed in this relationship longer than most women is because I don’t like to fail at anything and the last thing I ever want to do is fail at my marriage. This is the hardest thing because I don’t understand it. I wish I could fix things but I can’t. I actually said to Mario in therapy once, “I wish I could take away all your pain.” If I could, I would take in all of Mario’s pain because I had always loved him so much.

I believe if his business were doing well, we’d still be happily married. It’s not like Mario and I haven’t endured tragedy. I think it was only when his self-esteem began to deteriorate that we started to fall apart. Looking back, I think he was in the midst of a midlife crisis. It can happen to anyone, male or female, and it is often triggered by such factors as a child leaving home or a struggling or failing business. These potentially traumatic life events can result in an overall sense of dissatisfaction within oneself, which can last for two to six years.

I feel such sadness that I have lost my partner and my best friend. When I think of life beyond my marriage, it’s very discouraging. I’m not so much worried about meeting someone else since there are plenty of men out there. It’s more about finding a soul mate and having a deep connection with someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. If I want to be in a relationship again, I am going to have to learn to be softer. I’m a strong, independent woman and that’s intimidating to a lot of men. One of the best things about Mario is that he loved me for me and I never had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t.

I believe that things happen for a reason and that maybe this has been some kind of a blessing in disguise for me. Maybe Mario and I fulfilled our roles in one another’s lives and there is a better life waiting for me in the future. For many, many years we had a great marriage and together we raised a beautiful daughter, who has grown into an intelligent and ambitious young woman. Maybe we just outgrew one another. We see the world so differently now. I feel like Mario wants to sell both of our homes and retire. To me, that’s unthinkable. He’s only sixty-two; he’s going to live for another thirty years. I feel like he lost his purpose in life and I don’t believe selling our homes and retiring will make him happy if he has no direction. I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t want to work for the next thirty years. I don’t care how much money I have, I will always want to be involved with something and will never have too much idle time. I still have as much ambition and energy as I did when I was thirty—maybe more. I need to feel motivated and mentally stimulated. I feel that Mario gave up on himself, on his business, and on us. I think somewhere along the way he got lost. I tried to help, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. That can only come from within.

I draw strength from knowing that I was a good wife and that I did try to make my marriage work. I know that some women might think that if their husband had sex with another woman they would dump him that day. To that I can only say, easier said than done. You can’t judge me until you have lived in my shoes, until you have been married for over twenty years to a man who was always a good husband and a good father. People have indiscretions; they can fall off the cliff, and sometimes you have to try to forgive.

I myself have been guilty of judging other women. I made comments on the show that I can now see were hurtful because they were based on ignorance. Now that I have gone through a painful separation myself, I realize that I should have been more understanding of the women in my life who have gone through a similar experience. Both Sonja and LuAnn went through painful separations and looking back, I see that I could have been more supportive. The first time I saw LuAnn on camera while we were filming Season 7, she was having an estate sale to sell off the furniture from the home she shared with her ex-husband because she had bought a new house in Sag Harbor and was ready to move on. I went over to her and took her off to the side. I told her that I wanted to say something to her and that she didn’t have to respond if she didn’t want to. I said that I wanted her to know how sorry I was for the way I behaved and the things I said to her when she was having problems with her marriage and going through her divorce. She told me she appreciated my apology, but I think she was reluctant to let her guard down with me at first. The proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Over the course of filming Season 7, a true friendship evolved between LuAnn and I and we have been very supportive of one another. I am so grateful to all the women on the show for supporting me through this dark period of my life. Without their friendship and continued support, I would never have been able to handle what I was going through.

Real Housewives of New York, cast of Season 7

Last day of shooting, Season 7

I do believe in forgiveness, but it’s difficult to forgive people who can’t accept responsibility for the harm they have caused you. I feel like I have been Mario’s punching bag and that he has blamed me for everything that was wrong with our marriage and his life. I don’t think he has ever truly been willing to take responsibility for his actions. Although it may have been a symptom of his unhappiness with himself and our marriage, it is not my fault that he had an affair. I’ve read that when one partner has an indiscretion and betrays the other partner—because sometimes it’s the man and sometimes it’s the woman—it takes a good two years to repair the damage. I would be willing to put in the work, but I don’t believe that Mario is capable of that kind of sustained self-reflection. I think he’s too fragile.

Obviously, Mario and I have to come to some sort of resolution, but at this point it’s more financial than emotional. It’s sad that twenty-plus years of marriage can be reduced to a distribution of assets in the blink of an eye. We were a two-income family and, because of my business I was able, with Mario’s support, to earn the money we needed to acquire our two homes. I think Mario wants me to agree to sell both of our homes, but I want to keep the house in Southampton. I’ve been in our condo on the Upper East Side for nineteen years. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m looking at apartments in the city now to see what’s out there in my budget. Maybe it’s time for a change. I don’t think Mario understands why I want to hang on to the Southampton house, though. I think to him it’s just a roof and four walls that have a set financial value, but to me that house is so much more. Avery and I have so many memories there. It’s painful to think of losing that house. I have always believed that the three things in life you need to be happy are your partner, your career, and your home. I’ve lost all three before and I was able to rebound and now I find myself in that place again. I have lost the love of my life and my career and businesses are in flux, but I don’t want to lose my homes as well. At this point in my life, the idea of rebuilding from scratch is overwhelming.

Me and Avery in happier times at our home in Southampton

Avery, age 4