Loved In Pieces (3 page)

 
The script’s dialogue in the movie was intense, every exact word mattered, but it wasn’t nearly as grueling as the emotional strain the press put on me when they criticized every part of me during or after an interview or event. I visited
G
randma
at her ranch
after our wrap party because I was so depressed after making that movie. I stayed for over two months and did all my schoolwork online. I rode my horse every day and learned how to fly a plane.
I
escaped public scrutiny. I learned to
ignore
tweets
and
never
check Facebook. I
was complete that summer.

While I waited for Manuel outside I thought about my
recent award-winning
performance for
Jefferson’s Muse
.
I did a good job with the script and with emoting. I nailed the character.
Mom
and her producer buddies
created the character for me
: a ‘not really black but not white’ slave.

Seeing Manuel approach on his bicycle made my body sparkle from the inside out and
diminished
my
sullenness
.
Manuel
was tall, like his
Latino
father, and muscular. I never asked
his specs, but I figured he was 6’1” and 185 pounds. He had high cheekbones, perfect lips, a thin, straight nose,
short
black hair, and creamy skin like that of cappuccino ice cream
—
his
skin was not white but not dark
either. He was lighter than me.
His eyes were his most attractive feature, with impossibly long, black eyelashes veiling his rich coffee-colored eyes. The color of his iris was light enough to express all of his emotions to me with one glance but dark enough to hide those same emotions from strangers. I loved being one of the people who held the key to unlock all of his thoughts when I looked into his soul.

An acute pain crippled me as soon as I saw his eyes when he removed his helmet and sunglasses. I couldn’t help loving Manuel but couldn’t possibly tell him that I loved him in case he didn’t feel the same way about me.
I could no longer pretend that my feelings were only platonic. I wanted him desperately.
My eyes watered as I
accepted
that Evan was right to dump me.
It wasn’t fair to him that I loved Manuel so completely.

Manuel
hugged me immediately, “
I’m sorry
. It’s okay.”

“Already I feel better just by seeing you.
But also worse.
”
I explained, “I feel like I
am
Muse, a slave to the gods of Hollywood.”

“Feeling bitte
r? It’s
just like last time when you said you were a fly in the spider’s web.” Manuel put his arm around me as we walked through the front gate. “Remember, you have a great life
and can quit soon
.
I
t’s just several hours of acting
tonight for the Globes
. You’ll leave unscarred.
“This too shall pass,” as your mom says.
”

“Oh,
I hate that bullshit saying and
feel very scarred right now.” I hugged him again
and
relaxed.
Ever since we were kids, Manuel’s hugs pushed out all my worries.
I stopped crying
and explained,
“The cheating isn’t true.
Evan would never do that for real.
It’s to balance our brands, make women like me again and give him freedom to be
a total heartthrob
. But Evan really did
dump me. It’s over.”

Unlike industry people, Manuel didn’t use worthless words.  He
kissed my forehead and walked to the outdoor love seat.
He was so unusual in my world—humble, content, considerate, affectionate, loving, and practical. He floated between
the two social classes in Santa Monica
: the high-net-worth families and the low-
cash-flow
households. His mom owned an apartment building worth several million dollars so his family had high net worth. But they lived on his dad’s salary
as a driver for a delivery company
. Manuel’s
spending money came from working his restaurant job. He grounded me.

Manuel
stood unbalanced in his cycling shoes and shook out the cushions. His muscles flexed in his tight biking shirt and shorts. He looked like a man, not a boy. 

“It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve seen you but you look taller.”

“Yeah, my mom thinks I’m having another growth spurt. I eat everything in sight.” He laughed, “She bought a bag of cookies and I left three. My dad was pissed.”  We sat down together. “I think it’s the triathlon conditioning I’m doing with Beth. We’re both getting fast.”

“Well, you look really good.” Manuel
played
varsity water polo and
basketball and sw
am
for Samohi (Santa Monica High School)
. I changed the topic, “
So how was work yesterday?”

“It was fine bussing tables for pricks and posers. For every star, there must be a ten
-
person entourage of posers.” He hesitated, “Marie, do you have an entourage?”

“Well, yeah, I guess.
”
He was quiet. I asked, “Are you thinking I’m one of the bitchy stars telling you to fetch them more
sparkling water
?”

Manuel answered, “No. I know
you
.
You’re a sweetheart and my best friend. 
You’re kind and smart, super generous, witty, pretty, and a really good actress.
It’s just…never mind.”

I pleaded, “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Did you know that the number one graduation gift that the girls in our high school want is plastic surgery? There are tons of girls who are getting their noses done and tons more who want their boobs done. They want to look like you, even though you’re all natural. Beth and I
talked
about
it
yesterday.
She likes you and wants to hang out with us more.
She just got asked to model aga
in.
She doesn’t want to be
trapped in contracts
like you and her mom
but is worried that she will be when she swims for Poland in the Olympics.
”

Beth’s
parents moved from Poland when she was ten years old. Her mom
i
s a
striking
TV actress who pla
ys
a Russian. Her dad
i
s a German and Russian language teacher at
an elite private high school
in Brentwood.

I agreed, “She will be played if she’s successful. She should get her swimming scholarship
to college
and then purposefully
swim
slow
ly
i
n the qualifying Olympic heats, say she’s sorry and blame her failure on
nerves.
People forgive humility, ya know.
”

I
snuggled back into Manuel’s chest and noted
, “Beth doesn’t like me.
W
e
had fun last summer double-dating with Evan and Mitch, but, after,
Beth
told Kate that
I’m
a
fake.”

Kate was my only girl
friend until last December. When she and Manuel broke up, I tried to call her and talk to her but she refused to talk to me. Instead, she sent me an email saying that being my best friend was too lonely. She
also wanted to forget Manuel and said I’d be a constant reminder of him
.

He
objected, “That’s not true. What would Kate know?
Beth couldn’t stand her
.”
He added, “Beth likes you. You need friends. You should be friends.”

“You’re my only friend.” Aware that the truth sounded pathetic,
I
sat up straight on the loveseat.
“Anyway
,
I’m certain Beth hates me. Kate recorded
the
conversation
and played it to me.
Beth
shared her
frustrat
ion
that
you
couldn’t see me for what I was, a movie star, not some
humble sweetheart.”

“
N
o, Marie. I mean, yes, Beth couldn’t understand how someone so successful could have insecurities.
She has this thing about suffering. It drives her not just in her workouts but in how she sees the world. Since you’re rich and had your career handed to you, she didn’t think you struggled with anything.
Just like the public,
right
?
”

He paused again, “Why the hell would Kate record it and play it back to you? Did she do that a lot?”

I answered, “All the time. She’d press the
Memo
button on her iPhone
.”

“
Lo siento
.
” Manuel put his arm around me.
“What I’ve said, too?”

“Yeah. One time, you told her it would be incest if we dated. Anyway, she said it’s better for me to hear the truth firsthand
so I’d know who my friends were.”

“Oh, sweetie, that was really mean
.” He exhaled, “I shouldn’t have lied. I mean I’ve learned from
our
whole messy break
-
up to always tell the truth.”

“You
lied? You
mean you still love Beth?”

Manuel exhaled again, “For me, my feelings for Beth didn’t end
after we broke up
. Dating her was a disaster but I love her and think she’s hot.” He looked at me, bit his lip, looked away
,
and sighed
.
“My feelings for Kate ended though. I can’t believe she did that.
No wonder you don’t have friends.
”

“I don’t see the point when I know what they think anyway.”
I looked at his loving eyes. “I trust you. I trust Evan, but
h
e thinks like my mom.”

“Marie, I promise that Beth likes you, Mitch adores you. Evan loves you, too.
He’s just doing the best for your careers.
I said those things to get Kate off my back
about
...” Manuel stopped mid-sentence
and started a contingent thought, “It makes me sad that you’ve got, like,
ten people around you at all times
but don’t have more than about three friends, always lonely in
a crowd
. I don’t want you to feel abandoned
when I start dating someone
or…” Manuel
stood up
and
switched the subject, “So you leave for
Beverly Hills
soon?”

“Yep.
Elise is coming to run with me first, make sure I don’t look fat for tonight. Then
Sashi’s
driving me.
”
Elise was my personal trainer.
I looked at my iPhone. “Elise is late. I have to be at the hotel to get ready for the Globes
by
ten
this morning.”

“So the story is Evan cheated on you?”

“Yep. He says he still loves me but…” I shrugged my shoulders. “So we’re friends. Byron will be my date to everything.”

Byron Jones was my co-star in the film we were currently working on
,
Constantine’s Muse
.
I had kissed him again since Manuel and I had talked. I needed to be even more direct with him at the
Academy Awards in February
.

“You’re quiet.
” Manuel looked at me disapprovingly and crossed his arms across his chest. “
You kissed him again, didn’t you?”

“Ugh, I stopped the kiss. I just don’t expect
it
. It’s like I forget that I don’t like him when I’m around him.”
Trying to explain how I could no
t get Byron to stop kissing me was very difficult. Manuel gave me plenty of strategies to make Byron stop but nothing worked. “It just happens.”

He shook his head and walked through the gate.
We both looked around the street for the paparazzi that would be arriving at any moment.

“
Did Evan know?”

“No.”