Loved In Pieces (5 page)

He smiled at me and
his eyes searched
the room. “
You didn’t come in with your mom. She’s not here.
”
He waved to Grant
. “
I’ll get far more publicity getting into that limo with you tonight. Please do me the favor?
”

Grant kissed me a Hollywood hello, a quick kiss on the lips. “Hey baby, love you.
That was an ultimate F.U. that we didn’t win.
”

“
It’s alright
. Love you, Grant.” Grant was
gorgeous,
an
excellent
actor
,
and
a genuine
person. He gave the best performance of any actor but was overlooked by the
Globes and the
Academy because he was a new actor and the
Academy members
didn’t know his work, not because he was African American.

Grant shook Matthew’s hand. “
I heard y
ou
already
moved to Brentwood?”

“Yeah,
” Matthew confirmed. “I can’t afford it yet
,
but at least I got out of the dump in
L.A. My agent said my next royalty check will be even bigger. All of ours will be thanks to all these awards we’re winning.”

Grant agreed, “I know, right. But I’m still in my dump. I want to see the money first, see how many people own a piece of me, before I
spend
it. My agent warned me that it’s like the Colorado River and I’m Mexico.”

Mat
thew patted Grant’s shoulder.
Someone signaled to Grant to meet someone
influential
. Matthew
smiled at me and handed me a card and a jewelry box. I read the card. It was a sweet thank you. I opened the box.
He gave me a pair of
amber
and diamond earrings.

“They match your incredible eyes. I thought they’d look so beautiful on you. Do you like them?”

“Yes, thank you. They’re really pretty.” I looked at him and his eyes twinkled. I put the card and earrings in my handbag and smiled at him.
I wasn’t afraid of him.

“I’m glad.” He smiled, put his hands in his pockets, and leaned forward, “Can
we please get out of here? You can drop me off at my condo on your way home.
”

We
left without
me texting
Mom for permission.

Heading
in my limo
to Santa Monica, Matthew admitted that he wanted me. I was surprised and flattered.
My gorgeous co-star
thought I was hot? Wow. Cool. But I didn’t know what to do.
He was a man, and I was off-limits to a man.
I kissed a lot of guys at parties, but that was just
for
fun
, and all men knew that Martin
, the best lawyer in Hollywood, represented me and
would lock them up for statutory rape.

“Matthew, what are you doing?” I asked as he
unzipped my dress
. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”

Most of my peers talked about how awful their first experience was. I had sex-
ed in
middle school and then again as a high s
chool freshman and
didn’t want to have sex
with someone I didn’t love
.
I loved Evan
,
and we didn’t do it. I certainly wouldn’t be doing it with Matthew.

He reassured me, “Okay. No
intercourse
. How about this?”

He moved off of me onto his knees while he stretched me out on the long limo seat. My bra was still on but my
dress
was off my torso
. He kissed my breast, trailing his tongue along my skin to the edge of my
spanx
and back up to my breasts. He
caressed me
.

Surprised, I reacted, “No. I don’t want that. Nope.” And I moved my hands to pull his hand
out of my crotch
. He removed it but pulled me on top of him on the floor of the limo as he continued to kiss my lips and breasts. That was fine. It was kind of fun and felt nice.

But then, he unzipped his pants and pulled out his dick. “Blow me, Marie.”

“
What? No
. You’ve got to be kidding me.
No, I don’t want to Matthew.”

He pushed my head down and was holding my shoulders down with his hands so that my cheek was on his dick. I felt trapped. “No.”

I backed up away from him. He followed, rolling on top of me while he tried to pull off my
spanx
. I struggled to keep them on.

“You either blow me or fuck me
. Y
ou can’t turn me on like that for more than
a year
and not finish what you started.
You’re
so hot. I have to have you.”

“No! Get off me!” I screamed
in anger
.

Sashi, my driver since middle school, stopped the limo abruptly, ran out of the driver’s side, and threw open the door.

“She said,
‘
N
o
!
’ That
means
‘
No
.
’
She’s s
eventeen
years old. Get off her.”

Matthew fumed, “You mind your own fucking business, asshole.”

“Get out of my car.
You’re being recorded by our dispatcher.
A driver will be here for you to take you were you need to go. Get out of my car now!” Sashi threatened.

“You’re a fucking tease, Marie
,
” Matthew complained
in an angry whisper
and left the limo. He and Sashi had a few words. Then Sashi returned to close the door.

“He didn’t? You okay? I made it in time, Marie, right?” Sashi
’s job was
to protect me.

“I’m okay. He didn’t… that was close… scary. Thanks for... I’m so embarrassed.” I blushed while I finished
pulling up my dress
. It happened so fast that I didn’t really know what happened.

“I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong
,
” Sashi reassured me. “I’ll call your mom
. We’re professional. Y
our secret is safe with
us
.”

When I got home,
I didn’t cry when I told
Mom
what happened in the limo but I was scared that it would have been so easy for him to rape me.
I summarized as if it happened to a character I played rather than to me.

Mom explained that I did nothing wrong. I was a child and he was a man
.
In California, i
t’
s
illegal for a twenty-five-year-
old man to have sex with a g
irl under eighteen. Period. It’
s a misdemeanor even if she agrees. It’s a felony if
proven violent
.
He tried to rape me and sh
ould be punished.
She urged me to press charges,
stand up, be a role model,
protect other
girls from statutory rape—victims like Kate and Elise
.

All I could think about was what the press and public would do with the news.

Fed up,
I
threatened to quit acting.
Mom
called
Martin
. He
explained that it would cost me about $40 million dollars to quit
.
He disagreed with Mom about pressing charges. They argued about my safety versus hurting the project with the negative publicity. Martin came up with alternative ways to punish Matthew.

The rage boiled inside me
,
but I couldn’t release it. I wanted to scream but couldn’t get any sounds out. I wanted to cry, but no tears fell. I was trapped, shaking uncontrollably, violently.

“Stop!” I shouted over the speaker phone. Hearing my own anger surprised me. I immediately re-gained control.

Mom kissed my cheek. “Honey, I’m so sorry.
I love you.
What do you want to do?” I studied
her face, trying to read what she’d let
me do.
Mom was the Hollywood good girl
who prayed every day and gave most of her money away to charities. She was a remarkable, sweet woman, incredibly talented
,
and beautiful. Her tight smile and wet eyes told me that this was my decision.

Matthew’s
words haunted me. He called me a “tease.” I wasn’t a tease. I had said
no
. I was
a minor
and clueless about how I could be perceived as sexual.
I didn’t see myself that way.

“I never want to work with him again. And I want
him
to suffer
—not me, so no press
.”

“Okay,” Mom whispered to me and then hugged me. She pulled me into her shoulder and lifted her chin.

I
addressed Martin
on the phone
, “Get everything documented.
He gave
me
earrings and a card as a lure.
I don’t want him to see another dime from Muse, no more royalties if you can
manage
it.
I want to be able to destroy him if need be. Don’t miss a thing.”

Martin
agreed
, “I’m on it. You did nothing wrong, Marie. Call if you remember more details. But don’t stress. You have enough on your plate.”

Mom
turned off her phone and
reassured me,
“
Don’t
let his worthlessness in. You’
re precious and strong.
”

Her words made no sense.
“
I wouldn’t think it happened to me…but it did…but I don’t
have the right emotion or something
?”
I was trying to use all of my years of listening to my therapist to describe my feelings. Everyone talked like they were in touch with their emotions, and my psychological training meant absolutely nothing at that moment. Without dialogue written by someone else, I had no description for what I was feeling. I tried again, “Why does it feel like there’s no
me
?”

“
This too shall pass.
You’re an actress, trained to separate the physical your character feels from whom you are.
We have to disassociate to protect the self.
”

I was so frustrated. I
barked
, “Mom! What does that mean? In English, please!”

Mom brought my hand up to her cheek and looked at me through her tears.
“It’s not your fault.
You trusted a man not worthy of your trust
.
I’ll help you pick up the pieces.”

“I don’t have any pieces left to put into emotional safety boxes, Mom. I’m numb.”

She prayed, “
May God heal your body and soul.
May your pain cease.
May your strength increase
.
May your fears be released
.
May blessings, love, and joy surround you.
Amen.”

Humiliated that I lost Evan and the Globes, upset that I couldn’t lie to myself about my love for Manuel, destroyed that Manuel didn’t feel the same, terrified of winning an Oscar, and pissed that I was trapped as an actor in the Hollywood web,
I was not in the mood to pray.

I left Mom on the couch.
I wanted to suffocate my emotions—hate, betrayal, weakness,
anger,
fear, regret, responsibility, shame.
I
disappeared into my girlish pink bedroom.
I pulled my bed closer to the windows
without much success, abandoned that idea,
and
then
carefully re-organized my totems
on my bookshelf
.
I didn’t want to remove any
object
from my
happy,
precious
childhood
.

I heard
my
door open
and looked up from the floor
, ready to snap at Mom.

Manuel
smiled warily in the doorway, asking permission to come in with his soulful eyes.

I nodded. Waves of relief, peace, security, and love flowed through me.
I smiled at him.

He sat next to me
on the floor.
“Your mom called your dad who called mine. You sure know drama, don’t you?”