Lovely (32 page)

I remove the pillow from my face. Now I feel like vomiting. “In the future, Delilah, tell that to your girlfriends. That’s not a visual I’m interested in stamping on my brain. Now get some rest.” I press a kiss to her forehead. “I love you. Oh,” I smile and point to the floor, “we’ll clean up your mess tomorrow.”

She pulls me down for a hug. “I love you, Ash.”

When I close her door, I hear soft cries coming from behind it. I have to steady myself. That was really hard. I’m not sure how I’m going to face Colt. I walk down the hall and knock on his door but don’t hear anything, so I crack it open and look around. He isn’t there. When I walk by Mom’s room, I see her curled up on her bed, sound asleep. She was exhausted … exactly how I feel.

I’m on my way back to my room when my phone buzzes. Cara. The first real smile I’ve had in the last two hours comes over me. “Hi, beauty.”

“Hi,” she replies, the tone of her voice so sweet that I wish she were right next to me. “Are you okay? I just wanted to check on you.”

I grunt in response. “I’m okay. I just had to tell Delilah and that didn’t go over well. She’s resting now, though, and so is my mom.”

“I’m so sorry, Ash … Do you want me to come over?”

I breathe a heavy-hearted sigh. “You don’t have to … I think I’m just gonna go to sleep. I’m wiped out.”

I hear her take a deep breath. “Okay … Well, if you need me, I’m here.”

I smile. “I know … and Cara … thank you.”

“Goodnight, Ash.”

“Goodnight.”

I strip off my clothes and am just about to get into bed when I hear the front door open. Pulling my boxers back on, I make my way into the hall and wait for Colt.

He stumbles up the stairs and when I finally see his face, he looks beat down. “Hey, bro,” he greets me with a weary smile.

“Hey, man,” I respond. “Come in for a minute. I want to talk to you.”

He enters my room and takes a seat on the bed, his head lowered, disheveled brown hair covering his eyes.

I lean against the doorframe. “How are you?”

He lets out a sarcastic chuckle. “I’ve been better. In fact, I’ve been a lot better. I’m sure Mom told you, so I guess you know this is it.”

“What the hell does that mean?” It’s surreal to me that we’re even having this conversation. It feels like someone put my life on instant replay.

He shakes his head. “Ash, I’ve got a brain tumor, not a knee scrape.”

“Yeah, and so what,” I respond with an angry growl. “So that’s it? You just give up? Because as far as I remember, you’re a fighter. And yeah, this may be the biggest fight of your life, so get ready to give it your all. I’ll be right beside you every step of the way.”

He rubs his eyes and jams a hand through his hair. “I’m tired, Ash. I’m so fucking tired.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “I don’t get it, you know? Why me? I’ve been asking myself this question every second since I found out. What did I do to deserve this?” He puts his head in his hands and I hear his tears before I see them falling.

I immediately reach for him, wrapping my arms protectively around my little brother, providing a temporary respite from the storm.

“I don’t want it,” he says hoarsely through his tears, “I don’t fucking want any of this, you know? So … fighting it? I’m sorry, but I just don’t have the strength right now. I don’t have enough energy to fight. I just want to go to bed …” He uses his sleeve to wipe his nose and the tears from his face, puts his hands to his temples and squeezes. “Maybe, by some fucking miracle, I’ll wake up and this’ll all be a dream.”

What am I supposed to say to that? I can’t even imagine what he’s going through right now. My chest squeezes tight and my head hurts. Colt’s world is crashing down around him and all I can do is watch. For the first time in my life, I can’t make this all go away for him. I try to find the right words … but they don’t come. I grip him tightly around his shoulders before I let him go. “Try and get some rest. We can talk more tomorrow.”

Colt closes the door and I suddenly wish I’d told Cara to come over after all. Like clockwork, as if she knows I’m thinking about her, my phone buzzes on the nightstand. It’s a text.

Cara: I love you, Ash. Goodnight

Me: Me too, baby

Monday comes quickly. Too quickly. For the past week, our house has been more like a museum; everyone’s quiet, pensive, and tiptoeing around one another. Well, except Colt. He’s trying to make jokes about his life to ease our worry. I’m not sure about everyone else, but all it’s doing is pissing me off. I lost my sense of humor about death after Dad died. There’s nothing funny about it. It scares the shit out of me. If I had any say in the matter, I’d live forever, plain and simple.

Mom and Colt already left for the hospital. He needed to get a blood workup, a chest x-ray to make sure his lungs are healthy, and an ECG to make sure his heart is fine before they do the procedure tomorrow.

I drag my feet into the kitchen and find Delilah buttering some toast, staring into space. I pull a stool out and it scuffs the floor. The noise startles her and she jumps. “Hey … you okay?”

She eyes me warily. “Not really. I’m scared, Ash. I’m so scared. I’m afraid that when we say goodbye to Colt before the surgery, it’ll be just like Dad and we’ll be saying goodbye forever.” Her lips quiver and the tears fall again. “I know he and I fight a lot, but I love him, Ash. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Reaching over, I take both her hands in mine. “I know, Delilah. I’m scared shitless, I really am, but like I said before, Colt’s strong and healthy, and he’s a survivor. He
will
survive this.”
I just wish I believed my own words
. “And, we’re going to be there for him and be as strong as we can.
For
him.”

“I’ll try, Ash. I promise.”

I fill a bowl with some dry cereal but have suddenly lost my appetite. “What about Stacy? Does she know?”

Delilah grimaces and swallows some juice. “Apparently she’s in Europe with her parents and can’t make it back. Some girlfriend,” she mumbles.

“Eat up, baby girl, and then I’m taking you to class.”

The campus parking is crammed with cars this morning. I give Delilah a hug and say goodbye, heading straight for the library. As soon as I walk in, I’m greeted by exactly what I need … Cara’s smile. “Morning.”

“Morning,” she replies, her brows pulled in. “You look so tired, babe. How are you?”

“Well, if I said I was great, I’d be lying. I’m terrified about tomorrow.”

She comes out from behind the counter, takes my hand, and leads me over to a table in the corner. “Listen, I want to come with you to the hospital tomorrow.”

I run my thumb back and forth over the palm of her hand. “You don’t have to do that, Cara.”

She breathes deeply. “Ash, I know I don’t have to, I want to, and I will.”

“Geez,” I chuckle. “I kind of like it when you’re forceful. What happened to that shy girl with the glasses?”

She lifts her delicate shoulders and her eyes reach out to mine. “You set her free.”

I close my eyes, resting my forehead against hers. “I’m glad you’ll be with me tomorrow.”

She pulls me into a warm embrace. “There’s no place I’d rather be,” she whispers and I go limp, letting her care for me.

I look around the library. “Let’s get out of here and blow off classes today. I need to take my mind off of tomorrow. Do you feel like going over to the reservoir?” I suggest anxiously. “I have to get out of here.”

Her smile caresses the pit in my stomach. “Sure. Let me get Susan to take over for me and we’ll go.”

I’m so glad we skipped classes. This day is fucking amazing. The sun is shimmering brightly off the water and the sky is so clear you can see for miles. The only shitty part is that it feels like the calm before all hell breaks loose.

I take Cara’s hand in mine as we wander over to our favorite weeping willow tree and find a spot on the grass. I stare out into the distance, memories of Colt and our childhood flooding my brain. “Colt …” I start, feeling like I want to tell her everything about my baby brother. “Colt’s always been such a smartass … and a rebel, you know? It’s funny; being the oldest, you’d think it would be me taking on that role, but it’s always been Colt.” I sigh. “I’ve always been the one to rescue him just as he was about to get his ass kicked.”

“Well,” Cara says, “that’s because you’re an amazing big brother who looks out for his little brother.”

My chest tightens, fear gripping me by the neck. I long for the days where I could just kick somebody’s ass and make it all better.

“You know, when we were kids he had this Bazooka gum addiction. I remember this one time we were at the corner store and he figured since they were in a big bin that no one would notice if he put a couple in his pocket. Luckily, I caught him before he had shoved his hands in his jacket because the store clerk was coming down the aisle. Colt didn’t care, though. He’s always been so … fearless. There were times when I wished I could be like him. But I’ve always felt so responsible … for everyone, especially after my dad died. That’s why I gave up my baseball scholarship to San Diego.”

Cara’s eyes flicker with understanding. “You never mentioned that before. That must’ve been so hard.” She curls into my chest, the warmth of her body calming me.

“Yeah, it was at the time, because my dream was to play pro ball. Once Dad died, it just didn’t seem important anymore. The only thing I do feel bad about is that he would’ve wanted me to go. He always told me how good I was and that someday someone was going to scoop me up and put me in the major leagues.”

“He would’ve wanted you to be happy more, Ash,” she says.

I have to admit she’s right. As much as he wanted that life for me, he wouldn’t have wanted me to be unhappy.

“Jesus, Cara. It’s been hard enough without Dad, I can’t imagine our lives without Colt.”

She trails her fingers down my jaw. “Listen, Ash. I know how serious a brain tumor is, but Cedars-Sinai’s Oncology unit is one of the best around. Colt will be in good hands. My sister will be there tomorrow, too, and I think that’ll help.”

I press a soft kiss on the crown of her head. “Thank you for being here.”

“Well, I think you need a distraction and it just so happens I can be very distracting. So … do you want to make out?”

“I
always
want to make out with you.”

She lowers her mouth and brushes her lips against mine, once, twice, three times before sliding her tongue inside, caressing me, stroking me, loving me. I slip my hand behind her neck and pull her in close, completely losing myself in the dance of our tongues, swallowing her moans and forgetting everything, even if just for a little while.

I finally break the kiss. “I think we need to stop.”

“Why?” she asks with a pout, her lips pink from my assault.

“Because your tongue is seriously turning me on and I’m getting hard.”

“I do tend to have that effect on you,” she says in a sexy voice.

“Yes, you do.” I grab her hand and pull her up off the grass. “Let’s go, tiger.”

As soon as we’re in the car, though, and we pull away, my mind goes back to Colt.