OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (32 page)

GREAT!

MGK is coming to Australia because it is full of hot boys. I don't mean hot as in “too hot” (though they probably are) – I mean hot as in “FIT”. And they wear cut-off T-shirts and stuff.

PLEASE, MGK - DON'T COME. Get something serious but not life-threatening like pneumonia.

Gran says pneumonia is life-threatening.

Weak pneumonia then.

OMG – Princess has been seen cavorting with Doug the Pug!

Gran has given me the full list of dogs that Princess is involved with:

•   Bouncer the Staffy

•   Ralph the Dalmatian

•   Prince the Terrier

•   Dfor the Labrador

•   Patch the Staffy

•   Ben the ? (no one knows)

NEWS FLASH – Princess is now hanging out with Marmaduke the ginger cat.

She just doesn't care!

Told Keith I am going to come to Australia and he is booking the tickets. I have no idea where he is getting the money from! Perhaps he has busked 24 hours a day and finally created some half-decent clothes. Perhaps he has robbed a bank. LOL!

OMG – hope Gran hasn't given him any tips on bank robbing. She once said her building society was held up by a man with a cucumber that was disguised as a gun! Perhaps Keith could grow his own weapon in his organic garden – then eat it!

Just found out that because we are under 16 we have to be escorted as unaccompanied minors! I hope this doesn't mean they give me colouring books. I hope it does mean they give me a bodyguard – like a major celeb. OMG – what if they put me in first class?! Who could I meet?! MGK can stay in economy whilst I talk dresses with MAJOR CELEBS.

Dimple just rang. Her mum's baby really moved today during a conversation about mortgages. Everybody is taking this as a really good sign. The baby is SUPER intelligent … OR perhaps it just did a massive YAWN.

Asked my mum about when I first moved. She couldn't remember. “Nathan was a bit of a handful at the time, Hattie.” So I get ignored because my brother is a doughnut? NOTHING has changed.

Princess has received a death threat – it was pushed through Gran's door. It said, “Keep your *%*#ing dog inside OR ELSE!” but it was signed by someone called “Petra”. If you're going to make a threat do it anonymously! It's why people have usernames, so you can say terrible stuff without people knowing!

I have never done that, BTW. Weirdo Jen says the US government knows what EVERYONE is doing and can trace everything. When they put you in prison they give you your favourite foods to freak you out. If you've EVER mentioned you like Big Macs in an email you get them for breakfast and the US government people say, “We heard you like them!” They don't tell you in a nice way though. They tell you in a “we know what burger you eat and we know you are a terrible person” kind of way.

Just checked my emails. I've never mentioned how much I love KFC anywhere!

If I'm in prison though I will want to have my favourite food every day!

Just emailed Dimple randomly and asked her if she fancied a Bargain Bucket on Saturday.

Dimple says “no”. It doesn't matter – the US government now know I would like chicken strips for breakfast.

I miss Nicky. I'm writing it here to get it out. I need the space but I miss him.

Can I actually handle space?

Gran has gone on the warpath about Princess! She's rung the police and said she's had a death threat. The police said, “No – your dog has.” Gran said, “Me and Princess are a team. A threat to her is a threat to me.” The policeman said the law does not recognize canines as having the same rights as humans.

Is Princess a liberated feminist woman in charge of her own sexual destiny or is she just a tart? Perhaps she is just good friends with these dogs?

Gran says platonic relationships cannot exist between female and male ANYTHINGS. When I said, “What about Goose and me?!” Gran looked at me for ages like I was doing something wrong. I changed the subject and said that Princess was a modern dog taking charge of her own life and rejecting the constraints of society.

Perhaps she IS just a bit of a tart.

Choosing a bikini for Australia starts now! Yes, I have got a million weeks before I go but this is still a major decision. I wish Dimple or Jen could come to Australia. Especially to keep me company on the flight. It's bad enough going with MGK. What if I get seated next to someone really dull on the other side?

Dimple DID get trapped next to a man on the plane from Delhi who had a collection of airline sick bags. He went through every one of them alphabetically. She said that by Air Canada she was losing the will to live and was asleep by Air Slovakia.

Looked at every bikini EVER on the Net for HOURS. I can't find 1 I like. I wish you could buy the body with the bikini.

Mum just came up and said, “Forget boys. Forget bikinis. Hattie, if you do well in your exams this year I WILL TAKE YOU SHOPPING and YOU can CHOOSE what you like!”

I WILL TAKE YOU SHOPPING AND YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT YOU LIKE!

I will start revising tomorrow.

OMG – what if Mum's entire clothing budget is £5?