Texts from Jane Eyre (21 page)

 do you want to come over 

 right now? 

 yeah 

 all right 

 you know what we should do? 

 what? 

 you should just
stay over
 and we can go on strike

 on strike from what? 

 on strike from everybody
 because fuck em

 I don’t know if you noticed this
 but my shoulder was naked in my evening gown tonight

 I did see that 

 it was my gown’s only ornament, that naked shoulder 

 Very nice 

 well, also the diamond band
that was the other ornament I had on
so the shoulder was naked
 but my wrist had diamonds on it

 Right 

 did those diamonds make you think of chains
Chains are so terribly feminine, you know
 almost as feminine as a naked shoulder

 mm 

 Guess what
 my shoulder is naked right now

 Oh 

 well
underneath my blazer it is naked
both of my shoulders are naked
 underneath my blazer

 I see 

 does that make you want to chain them up 

 I’m awfully sorry
 
but I have to go to a meeting now

 you can chain me up after your meeting then 

 I’ll think about that 

 Francisco
Francisco are you awake?
 Francisco?

 what is it 

 Francisco, I can’t sleep 

 I’m sorry 

 I had a bad dream 

 the one about the Communists? 

 I don’t want to talk about it
 tell me about the root of money again, Francisco

 what time is it? 

 Come on, Francisco
tell me
I’ll help get you started
 “Money is a root of exchange…”

 Dag, please 

 I have to work in the morning 

 “Paper is a mortgage on wealth that does not exist…” 

 you don’t even need me to tell you what money is 

 I like the way that you tell it best 

 all rightt
 
all right, I’ll tell you about the root of money

 do that voice you do for the looters, ok
 do your looters voice

 I’ll do my looters voice 

 k 

Fight Club

 hey have you seen my work khakis?
I think I might have lost them or something
which is crazy because I had them on yesterday
 
have you seen them?

 its only after we’ve lost everything
 that we’re free to do anything

 ok yes definitely 

 you have to lose everything
everything includes pants
 pants are a thing, so

 no yes
 
I am super on board with that

 like a noun or whatever, pants are 

 I’m just wondering
specifically
where my pants are
 
because they are my actual last pair of pants

 YOU ARE NOT YOUR PANTS 

 I know 

 I AM NOT YOUR PANTS 

 no I definitely know that
 
I just need these pants for work

 YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB 

 I’m not trying to be my job I swear
but we are down to our last forty bucks
I really
 
we can’t afford to lose this money right now

 you are not special 

 what? 

 you’re not a fucking snowflake 

 I know that
 
I don’t think it’s being a snowflake to want pants

 everything is decaying
we’re all just part of the same compost heap
 your pants are decaying

 my pants are in the compost heap? 

 well everything is in the compost heap
so you do the fucking math
 you do the compost math

 fuck the fridge is out again
do you mind calling Jasper sometime today
 
let him know we need to make an appointment

 did you ever think that maybe
 your life is just too complete?

 is the fridge too complete? 

 you have to break everything
 to make something better

 i really don’t think your malaise is the fridge’s fault 

 it isn’t not the fridge’s fault
only after disaster can we be resurrected
 and breaking the fridge

 that’s part of your resurrection 

 our resurrection
we’ve all been raised on TV to believe
 that one day we’d all be millionaires

 huh
 
what show was that

 and movie gods 

 I mostly watched scooby doo
 
I think

 and rock stars 

 gilligan’s island maybe
whatever that show was that was like
it wasn’t the smurfs
but it kind of was the smurfs
but underwater?
 
they had weird spout noses i remember

 but we won’t
and we’re slowly learning that fact
 and we’re very, very pissed off

 and this is the fridge’s fault 

 is your life really so empty
that you honestly can’t think of a better way
 to spend these moments

 god
okay fine
i’ll call jasper
 
you won’t have to do anything

 ive been peeing in your soup
 like every day

 what? 

 nothing
fuck you
fuck the fridge
do you own your fridge
 or does your fridge own you

 it’s not even my fridge
 
you had this fridge when I moved in

 i was wrong about you, man
 you really are your pants

 ugh
 do you know what’s the worst

 what? 

 moms
fucking moms
and like
IKEA
and our jobs
because they trap us in nests
god i hate how easy it is
to just get jobs
and make money all the time
and have a mom
 it’s not real, you know?

 right 

 like “oh i’m your mom”
“i’m gonna love you and raise you and shit”
well guess what mom
i’m gonna set skyscrapers on fire
 because god’s not my dad

 what? 

 i’m gonna shit on the mona lisa
and beat up beautiful guys
 because of consumerism

 huh 

 shit right on the mona lisa 

 heyyyy
u comin to fight club tonight
gonna be super fighty
hey
hey are u around
i need a ride
to fight club
(so i can fight)
DUDE ANSWER ME
ARE YOU COMING
OR ARE YOU NOT COMING
TO FIGHT CLUB
TO THE FIGHT CLUB THAT YOU FUCKING HELPED ME INVENT
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PISS ON YOUR NEW PANTS
IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER ME
 IN THE NEXT FIVE FUCKING DAMN ASS SECONDS

 jesus
yes
 
i’m coming to fight club

 OH MY GOD 

 what? 

 WHAT IS LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE 

 jesus
 
Tyler

 LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE WE MADE FOR FIGHT CLUB 

 please don’t piss on my pants 

 THE ONE RULE 

 you’re talking about it
you’re calling it fight club right now
 
how is that not the same thing

 “HOW IS THAT NOT THE SAME THING”
 enjoy your piss pants

The Lorax

 THAT’S COMPOSTABLE YOU KNOW 

 I’m sorry? 

 POST-IT NOTES ARE ACTUALLY COMPOSTABLE
 SO YOU SHOULDN’T THROW THEM OUT

 Who is this? 

 I AM THE LORAX 

 the what 

 I SPEAK FOR THE TREES 

 okay well
 
thanks for the advice

 DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALSO COMPOST YOUR OWN HAIR 

 I didn’t know that 

 YOU CAN
SO ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE
THOSE POST-ITS OUT OF
 THE TRASH THEN