Read Texts from Jane Eyre Online
Authors: Mallory Ortberg
so what did you think
what did i think of what
what did you think of all the drawings of Dally i sent you
oh yeah
do you think he’ll like them?
do you think they’re any good
there sure are
a lot of them
do you think i made his eyes look enough like blue ice
that was really what i was going for
because his eyes look like blazing blue ice
i definitely think you did
oh good
i was kind of worried
that they didn’t look enough like blue ice that’s blazing
no, they’re–
you did a really good job
they’re really nice
well i wanted to do something special for his birthday
and it was either this or a switchblade
and i figured everyone else was already getting him a switchblade
right
what’s a guy gonna do with six switchblades, you know?
yeah
such a thing as too many switchblades
anyhow i’m glad you think they’re good
yeah
you want one?
oh
i think i’m okay
i can draw you one real fast
it won’t take two minutes
no i’m okay
i’ll draw you one just in case
his eyes look like blue ice
blue ice!
you awake?
yeah
what’s wrong?
i had that dream again
oh
that dream where i got the haircut
that was the worst day of my life, the day Johnny cut my hair
remember?
yeah i remember
if a guy doesn’t have his silky reddish-blonde hair
that’s just a little redder than Soda’s and swirls just right
well what kind of a guy is he?
i don’t know
plus it was real sad when Johnny died, too
yeah
died before his hair could even grow back
i remember
his hair looked terrible when he died
i was embarrassed to even go to the funeral
yeah me too
The American Girl Series
nellie
nellie why didnt u come to the hedge today
to the lessons hedge )for lessons)
I’m sorry, Miss Parkington
I wasn’t able to get away in time and
i was going to teach you more lessons
is this about my birthday party
are u mad at me
no Samantha…
because i told you
its not that youre not my friend
you are my friend
I’m glad to be your friend
u are just more of my FACTORY friend
and not really
my “birthday party” friend
I understand
I couldn’t get away from the mill
that’s all
guess how many kinds of ice cream we had
I don’t know
haha there are only three kinds of ice cream nellie
everyone knows that
I see
youve got a lot of lessons ahead of you nellie
ICE CREAM LESSONS
only we’re out of ice cream right now
because we ate so much
(at my birthday party)
Miss Felicity -
I must thank you for coming by last week to my hiding-place
the biscuits and canteen you brought were sorely needed
I know once I can enlist with the Patriots
I will be a burden to you no longer
I fear that before that day, however
I must trespass on your kindness one last time
and ask when you will return
as the water you so kindly brought me
ran out several days ago
and I am afraid to venture forth in daylight
and this fetid swamp provides me with no relief
BEN
BEN I’M GETTING A PONY
I congratulate you, Miss Felicity
that is wonderful news
Perhaps
perhaps it shall make the trip shorter
when you do come again
I will name her Penny!!!
for I have grown weak from thirst
She is the color of a penny
is why I have chosen that name, Ben
A good name, that
I trust I can keep my strength up
long enough to see her myself
I am going to brush her mane EVERY DAY
Harriet
Addy.
Mother wanted me to ask you
if you’d like to go to the fair tomorrow with us
Did she now
since we’ll be working at the same booth together
all afternoon
Father’s offered to give us a ride in his wagon
oh, his milk wagon?
yes
his milk wagon
He only has the one wagon
you know that
Like father like daughter I suppose
he only has one wagon
and you only have one dress
You can just say no, Harriet
if you don’t want to come with us
you can just say no
Addy
do you even know how many dresses I have
I’m sorry if I insulted you with my invitation
you don’t have to come
Addy
I have SEVEN dresses
I have a dress for every day of the week
I have a dress for Monday
look
forget I said anything
I’ll see you tomorrow
I have a dress for Tuesday
on Wednesday I have a different dress
and on Thursday you have a fourth
I get it
do you though
I think I grasp the prinsiple of the thing
oh my God
Addy Walker
how DO you spell principle, Harriet?
is it with an S?
or a C?
you are going to be so sorry that you ever
Maybe we should ask a spelling expert
Maybe we should ask someone who won
that you EVER
a spelling
medal
for spelling the word principle correctly
I only have the one dress
which I pinned the spelling medal on
so you can see the medal every day
The Baby-Sitters Club
Hey Claudia
I know math is really tough for you
but even you should know
that two dollars an hour
for six hours
means we’re at least twelve dollars short
of what should be in the treasury
i know how much twelve is, Kristy
and i didn’t take your stupid money
look
all I’m saying
is that someone that good at hiding candy in her room
probably has a few great places to hide twelve dollars
like maybe in an incredibly ugly macrame wallet with velvet
appliqués
yeah well
at least my dad still lives at home
unlike some people’s dads
unlike your dad
Kristy
Kristy? It’s Mallory
I hope you don’t mind my texting you
I had to get your number from Mary Anne
but she’s not around or something
I guess
I was just wondering if we had a meeting today?
I’ll check with Stacey
Kristy, Mrs. Dawes said that you never showed up on Friday
to babysit the girls
She had to cancel her plans
she’s really upset
What’s going on with you lately?
oh sorry
i probably just couldn’t hear the phone ring when she called
this mansion is sooooo big
Watson’s mansion i mean
I know which mansion you mean
my new dad Watson
who does live with us
Claaaaaudia
Claudia’s not here
i know
i know that