Texts from Jane Eyre (22 page)

 DID YOU GET THAT EMAIL I FORWARDED YOU
 ABOUT THE DANGERS OF E-CIGARETTES

 What email? 

 CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER
 SOMETIMES MY EMAILS GET STUCK IN SPAM FOLDERS

 I thought you spoke for the trees 

 I SPEAK FOR A LOT OF THINGS 

 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
 HOW MANY TAMPONS THE AVERAGE WOMAN USES IN A YEAR

 I’m in class right now
 
I can’t talk about tampons

 TAMPONS CAN’T EVER TALK
THEY DON’T HAVE MOUTHS
 THAT’S WHY I SPEAK FOR THEM

 okay 

 ENOUGH TAMPONS TO MAKE A TRUFFULA TREE
THAT’S HOW MANY
 HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE DIVA CUP

 That’s really personal, Lorax 

 NOTHING IS PERSONAL WHEN YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES 

 and tampons? 

 AND ALSO TAMPONS AND SOMETIMES E-CIGARETTES YES 

 I’ll think about it 

 THERE’S ONE IN YOUR PURSE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
 JUST IN CASE YOU NEED ONE TODAY

 You put one in my purse?
 
You went through my purse?

 OH YOU MEAN YOUR LEATHER PURSE
 YOUR PURSE MADE OUT OF DEAD SKIN

 this is too weird
 
I’m throwing it out

 DON’T 

 don’t what? 

 DON’T REACH IN YOUR PURSE 

 Lorax if I reach in my purse what will I find in there 

 DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN SOAP OUT
OF DISCARDED COCA COLA SYRUP
 WHICH MOST RESTAURANTS WILL GIVE TO YOU FOR FREE IF YOU ASK NICELY

 Lorax are you in my purse right now 

 YES 

 Why 

 I FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS PUTTING THE DIVA CUP IN THERE
 YOUR PURSE IS REALLY SOFT

 oh wow
 
are you okay?

 NOT REALLY
LEATHER IS REALLY SOFT
 I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW SOFT IT IS

 I’m sorry I made you touch leather 

 SOMETIMES I GET SLEEPY SPEAKING FOR THINGS
 IT WAS JUST SO SOFT AND I WAS SO SLEEPY

 Do you want me to let you stay in the purse for the rest of the day 

 YES PLEASE
 I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH

 Okay 

 CAN WE PLANT A TREE LATER THOUGH
I MEAN IF YOU HAVE TIME
 JUST ONE TREE ON THE WAY HOME

 Maybe 

 OKAY
BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE SOME OF MY FRIENDS WILL
COME BACK
 IF WE DO THAT

 Maybe they willl 

 JUST HOPE SOME OF MY FRIENDS COME BACK 

 I know 

 YOU’RE MY FRIEND NOW TOO THOUGH 

 I know 

 SO I GUESS IT’S WORKING ALREADY 

 I guess so 

 MUST BE ALL THOSE POST ITS WE COMPOSTED THIS
 MORNING

 Go back to sleep 

 OKAY THANK YOU 

Rebecca

 oh Mrs. de Winter
I realized after I took you on a tour of the master wing
 I forgot to tell you about her clothes

 whose clothes? 

 Whose clothes do you think 

 Rebecca’s? 

 of course
they were incredible
even her taste in nightgowns was impeccable
not like some nightgowns i could name
not like some nightgowns I have to regularly launder
 and fold and put away

 I see 

 your nightgowns, specifically
I hate your nightgowns
so if when you come home tonight
you see a lot of R’s scribbled in lipstick
and also blood all over your nightgowns
 that was me

 Ah 

 in case you wondered
 who that was

 Well, now I won’t wonder 

 the R is for Rebecca 

 I see 

 also I can’t stand the kind of tea you buy
so I ripped open all the bags
 and strewed the leaves throughout the great hallway

 oh dear 

 because honestly
BAGGED tea?
this is a stately home
like OF ENGLAND
this house has an actual name
you don’t even have a name
literally no one has ever mentioned your name
it’s just “where is my wife” and “this is Mrs. De Winter”
“the second” Mrs. De Winter
“the lesser” Mrs. De Winter
“the Mrs. De Winter who gets her tea in bags”
god i hate you
 so much

 you’re using the wrong fork you know 

 Please
Please, I’m trying to have dinner with my husband
 
and I’d like to be left alone

 you’ll never be alone
not here
not in Manderley
her spirit’s in the very floors and walls
in the mirrors
in the rooms behind the doors you’ll never open
 in the fork you’re not using properly

 Where are you?
 
I can’t see you anywhere

 that doesn’t surprise me
not at all
 Rebecca would have spotted me in a second

 I’m sure I’m very sorry
 
but I can’t see you and I’m not Rebecca

 like I didn’t already know that 

 I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t jump out your
window last night
 even after I left it open for you

 No, I didn’t 

 you know who would have jumped out the window
 if I’d asked her to?

 PLEASE STOP 

 I’ll give you a hint
you have the same last name
and married the same man
 also one of you is dead and one of you is not

 It’s Rebecca
Rebecca, I know it’s her
 
I know it’s Rebecca, I KNOW IT’S HER

 oh my God
that is your SALAD fork
this is the fish course
 what is wrong with you

Cormac McCarthy

 just got here
saving you a table
hey
you on your way?
hey
 
are you coming?

 You forget what you want to remember
 and you remember what you want to forget

 look
it’s fine if you can’t make it
it’s just people are starting to head home
 
but if you’re on your way

 Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave 

 oh
um
okay
I just thought you said you were going to try to make it
that’s all
it’s fine
 
I’ll have another birthday next year so it’s no big deal

 yesterday is all that does count
What else is there?
Your life is made out of the days it’s made out of
 Nothin else

 okay well
 
Thanks

 Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge
 exists without my consent

 oh 

 you tell em that 

 tell who? 

 tell em
tell everything that exists that i don’t know about yet
 it’s not allowed

 i don’t know if that’s
 
i don’t know if i can do that

 There is no forgiveness for women.
A man may lose his honor and regain it again.
 But a woman cannot. She cannot.

 well
 
you know

 real shame, that 

 what’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss 

 i dunno
five bucks maybe
 
why

 no reason