Texts from Jane Eyre (24 page)
Read Texts from Jane Eyre Online
Authors: Mallory Ortberg
you did what
he’s a prince, Hermione!
a real prince
well
he was a prince
he’s in a little trouble right now
but I fixed it with a few of my credit cards
so he’s all right now
Oh, my God
i thought youd be proud of me 
The Little Prince
i brought you another flower
Oh thanks
thank you
It’s fragile but also valuable
That’s very true
like our friendship
Yes, it is, isn’t it
But it isn’t going to last very long away from its roots
Do you see what I mean
I do
the flower is a metaphor
Yes
it is a metaphor
for me
will you draw me another flower please
another one?
yes please
a big one this time
a flower with the heart of a princess
the heart of a princess
yes but you mustn’t draw the princess
i must only be able to sense her in the drawing of the flower
what happened to the last flower i drew for you
a fox took it
a fox?
yes
a fox in a wooden top hat and a greatcoat made of whist came by
and asked if he could have it
he said it cured his arthritis
if i draw you another flower
do you think you will be able to hang onto it?
i cannot predict what a fox will need
no right of course
well if i draw you another flower
will you at least tell me where you’ve been sleeping and showering
and getting food?
because my plane is still nowhere near fixed and i’m almost out of water
now you are speaking like a grownup again
now when i look at my flower all i will think of is your greed
your lust for money
your inability to see true beauty
i’m just so thirsty all the time
you know my plane was shot down because I was in the war
right?
I was in a war
i must go now
please
just tell me where you’re getting water
my planet needs me
About the Author
M
ALLORY
O
RTBERG
is the cocreator of The Toast, a general-interest Web site geared toward women. She has written for Gawker,
New York
magazine, The Hairpin, and
The Atlantic
. She lives in the Bay Area.
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Copyright © 2014 by Mallory Ortberg
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Ortberg, Mallory.
Texts from Jane Eyre: and other conversations with your favorite literary characters / Mallory Ortberg. — First edition.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-62779-183-0 (hardback) — ISBN 978-1-62779-184-7 (electronic copy)
1. Text messages (Cell phone systems)—Humor. 2. Characters in literature—Humor. 3. Literature—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.T565O78 2014
818′.60208—dc23 2014012891
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First Edition 2014
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copyright © 2014
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Designed by Meryl Sussman Levavi
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 1
Table of Contents
Medea
Gilgamesh
Achilles
Dido
Plato
Circe
Medea, Part II
King Midas
The Wife of Bath
William Blake
King Lear
John Donne
Hamlet
Don Quixote
Hamlet, Part II
René Descartes
William Wordsworth
Hamlet, Part III
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Hamlet, Part IV
Jane Eyre
Sherlock Holmes
Emily Dickinson
Oliver Twist
Lord Byron
John Keats
Emma
Pride and Prejudice
Moby-Dick
Great Expectations
Gone with the Wind
Edgar Allan Poe
Treasure Island
Gone with the Wind, Part II
“The Yellow Wallpaper”
Wuthering Heights
Little Women
Hamlet, Part V
Henry David Thoreau
Daisy Miller
The Island of Dr. Moreau
Daisy Miller, Part II
Les Misérables
A Tale of Two Cities
Rudyard Kipling
Daisy Miller, Part III
Daisy Miller, Part IV
The Sun Also Rises
Agatha Christie
The Great Gatsby
Daisy Miller, Part V
J. Alfred Prufrock
Virginia Woolf
William Faulkner
Daisy Miller, Part VI
Peter Pan
The Great Gatsby, Part II
Sweet Valley High
The Outsiders
The American Girl Series
The Baby-Sitters Club
Nancy Drew
Atlas Shrugged
Fight Club
The Lorax
Rebecca
Cormac McCarthy
The Hunger Games
William Carlos Williams
Harry Potter
The Little Prince