Texts from Jane Eyre (8 page)

Pride and Prejudice

 And you must see to it that your sister invites Mr. Bingley, Lizzie 

 He isn’t here, Mother 

 Isn’t here?
he must be here
the ball is in seven days
and if he is not here then how will we convince our
 Mr. Darcy to attend?

 Mr. Darcy is not here either 

 no?
but I thought he was in London
for business
 and would return in time for the ball

 No
he is not in London
he is on a ship
 
he is going to war

 but this is terrible news 

 There is an actual war on right now
 
against Napoleon

 how could this have happened?? 

 He was commissioned months ago 

 And Mr. Bingley? 

 He is also there
 
He is also at the war that is happening now

 oh my god
 we are going to have to put off this ball

 Probably yes 

 do you know who I miss? 

 Who? 

 Mr. Collins
remember Mr. Collins?
remember him?
 remember when he visited?

 I do
 
I do remember

 what I liked about him the most
was how much he wanted to marry you
 remember that?

 Yes 

 remember when there was someone who wanted to marry you 

 yes 

 hahahaha
 there isn’t anyone like that now

 Mother, have you seen Mary?
 
No one has seen her since Jane returned from London

 Mary? 

 yes 

 Mary who?
 I don’t know anybody by that name

 Mary
 
Mary Bennett

 mm
I don’t believe so
 doesn’t sound familiar

 Does this mean that Mr. Wickham has left too? 

 for the war? 

 yes 

 you’re asking if military officer Mr. Wickham has also gone off to war? 

 yes 

 He has also gone off to war, yes
 
Just

 good God 

 if there is a man you are thinking of
under the age of 35
who is in the militia or an officer of any kind
 
he is probably at the war

 is that where your friend Mary went too
 the one who went missing

 I don’t think so 

 well you should check
apparently everyone is going there
apparently no one is going to balls anymore because they just
 can’t get enough of Napoleon

 did you mean MARY? 

 did I mean what? 

 when you were talking about Mary earlier
 were you talking about MARY Mary?

 which Mary did you think I was talking about? 

 the tall one
the one who lives upstairs
with the glasses
the upstairs girl
 who frowns at the piano

 oh Jane i’m so happy for you 

 Thank you 

 and Lizzie too of course 

 Yes, that’s wonderful 

 and now Lydia too
 thank God you all found such wonderful men to marry

 Thank you 

 we would all honestly be homeless right now if you hadn’t 

 I suppose that’s true 

 we would have nowhere to go
everyone we know would just
allow that to happen to us
I hope you don’t think I was so hard on all of you about it
 without cause

 No of course not 

 It’s just that if you didn’t marry I would spend the rest of my life
worrying about my homeless daughters
I’m just glad we’re all so happy now
and even if you aren’t very happy
literally your only other options would have been prostitution or
begging
 so

 Let’s not talk about it 

 Please have sons 

 all right, Mother 

 have sons and be happy 

 I know 

 I’m still going to lose the house
the minute your father dies
he’ll just be dead and I’ll have no husband
 and no house and nothing

 I know 

 I’m going to have to live with one of you
you’re going to have let me move in with you
 until I die

 I know 

 Christ, it’s awful 

 It really is 

Moby-Dick

 HROOOOOOOARRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOGH 

 good God in heaven 

 what is this? 

 HROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRRRRRGGGGGHHHOO
 OOOORROOOOOHHH

 it is the whale
it is the whale!
Bellow all you like
this boat never sheers off from anything that wears the
 
shape of a whale

 LOLLLLLL no
 it’s just me

 Jesu Christ
 
Ahab?

 lol you should have seen the look on your face 

 my face?
are you here?
 
are you in my cabin?

 lol
 Maybe

 my God
 
I thought the old white bull was upon us at last

 Ishmael
hey Ishmael
 have i ever told you how to make soap out of whale oil

 Captain, if you do not need me, I must go back to sleep
 
I shall need my rest for tomorrow’s hunt

 did u know u can make margarine out of whale oil 

 I did not 

 margarine!
 who would have guessed

 I do not know, Captain 

 so for starters
you actually have to hydrogenate it
which I know sounds crazy but that’s how you get rid of
 that fishy smell

 I see 

 you know that fish smell I mean
 like what everything smells like right now

 do you realize we could be back on Martha’s Vineyard in like six
hours?
maybe eight
 in less than a day we could be having dinner on Martha’s Vineyard

 after we have slain the whale, of course? 

 ugh
yes sure fine
whatever
 we could be there in eight hours, is all I’m saying

 only after you have burst the hot heart of the mighty whale
with spears and with knives and harpoons
 
and we bear its carcass triumphantly back to shore

 uuugh
 it’s like always harpoons with you Ishmael