The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them (12 page)

If this applies to you, understand the following: You are not
being nice, respectful, or polite by seeking a woman’s approval. You are treating her like she is your mother. You are sabotaging yourself, and the real reason you do it is because you are afraid of what might happen if you do not. You lack confidence and probably do not have very high thoughts about yourself. Even if you disagree, that is how women will nonconsciously perceive you, and unless she
is
your mother, no woman will appreciate such behavior. Only your mother will applaud you and encourage you to continue down the wrong path, perhaps even advise you to
increase
your futile efforts.

There is absolutely no room to explain yourself when you are flirting with women — neither before nor after you make an advance. If you explain yourself before you are about to make a move, you risk ruining your chances, and if you do it after you make a move, you risk ruining the success you might have already achieved.

As confident behavior appears like certainty to other people, regardless of how sure of yourself you really are, you reveal your internal insecurities if you start to explain yourself. A good rule to follow is that it is always better to ask for forgiveness afterwards than for permission before. Even so, you should not apologize more than once a month. Males who try to seek women’s approval tend to apologize a lot more often than they should.

Apologize

Women sometimes
pretend
to be upset or offended when you flirt ferociously with them, either to save face or to test if you really mean what you say. Hence, it is vital to stand your ground and never apologize, explain yourself, or take anything back because that would make you less attractive. You have to be unapologetic in general, as you are not unyielding otherwise.

Only if you seriously mess up and say or do something utterly stupid should you sincerely apologize for it, but if you are apologizing to the same woman more than once a month, something is wrong with you. You are saying or doing too many foolish things. Or you were raised to believe your lack of confidence and understanding of women makes you polite and that it is more important to be polite to women than to be successful with them.

However, being unapologetic does not mean offending people
intentionally
just to show them that you can. That would still seem like you care about other people’s opinion, which is the real issue, but in a different way. When you deep down do not care about other people’s opinion, you do not talk about it. Too many people still care enough to go around screaming that they do not care about what other people think of them. If they truly did not care, they would not bother to say it aloud.

This is all part of the attitude that rock stars have. They do and say whatever they want, including trashing hotel rooms and smashing instruments on stage regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. But you do not have to be a rock star to get laid like one; you do not even have to be able to play an instrument to get girls.

Nevertheless, while unsuccessful males are quick to apologize to women, they usually do not demand an apology when women step out of line. Instead, they pamper them.

Pamper

Males who are unsuccessful with women tend to tolerate a lot of bad behavior if it comes from a female, particularly the more attractive she is and the more interested in her they are. They pamper women when they have behaved unacceptably and let them get away with all kinds of behavior that they would never
tolerate from someone they had no romantic interest in.

They usually do this because they are “nice guys” who lack self-respect and have weird beliefs about what it means to respect women. They believe they are treating a woman well when they are just allowing her to treat them badly. It is a topic we will return to later, but for now, let us just say that you have to allow yourself to get mad at a woman you date if she deserves it. Although it is rarely necessary to scold a woman, a woman can sense whether you would be capable of scolding her or not.

If a woman does behave badly and deserves to be put in her place, you have to do so and not treat her differently only because she is beautiful. However, you must not get angry, as it is not masculine to be led by one’s
weak
emotions, certainly not when they are stirred by a female. Instead, state your boundaries clearly, let your woman know that she stepped out of line, and that she must never do it again — while still remaining calm so your behavior is not threatening, only serious. It is often only necessary to be stern once, so the woman knows you mean business and really mean what you say. But do not scold women for no reason in an attempt to demonstrate that you regard yourself higher than you regard them — that will only cause more problems than it solves; you will seem to lack confidence if you try to put down others to raise yourself, and you will seem to lack charm if your intent is to make others feel bad.

To make women feel attractive, a
charming
man will never treat women in any way they could misinterpret as their not being attractive, including making a joke at their expense. If you approach them with a lot of confidence, they will value your opinion too much, and such remarks will hurt their feelings deeply, and that is far from charming. Your goal is to make women feel really good about themselves without making them feel they
are better than you are, but there is never a need to put women down to achieve this.

Qualify

To qualify yourself means to attempt to prove that you
are
indeed worthy and good enough. This is better than acting as if you are unequal to women, but the problem is still that your behavior comes from the perspective of feeling obligated to prove yourself — which you would not bother to do if you were their equal or if you were dominant.

All males who believe they need to earn women are inevitably inclined to qualify themselves by either consciously or nonconsciously bringing up how long they have studied, how much money they make, what car they drive, what a nice area they live in, what they have achieved, how much alcohol they can drink, or what gadgets they have etc. The problem is not that they talk about themselves but
how
they do it. What they fail to realize is what happens whenever you
try
to qualify yourself. As soon as you do, you communicate that you are inadequate by yourself or that you feel inferior and must prove yourself to someone more important than yourself. This is instantly communicated by a male who cannot bring himself to start a conversation with a woman in a bar without offering to buy her a drink first, but it more commonly seeps out during regular conversations.

Many males think they are clever and believe they demonstrate how much of a catch they are when they boast and brag to women, but they are only shooting themselves in the foot because if you really
are
attractive, you will not try to
create
attraction. However, most males do not just try to qualify themselves; they go a step further and try to impress women in all the various ways you can
try
to impress someone.

Impress

Starting in early adolescence, males compete over the prettiest girls’ attention and try to impress them, usually by showing off. They engage in behavior such as riding their bike on the back wheel, fighting each other, or doing their best to score a goal when the girls are watching. This same behavior continues into adulthood, with more and more advanced attempts in bigger and bigger arenas.

However, a man would not bother because there is no need for him to impress women since he is equal to them.

This does not mean that you cannot say impressive things to women. It only means that information should come out unintentionally or as a natural part of the conversation when the topic comes up, rather than blurted out with odd timing. If you are a doctor, for instance, it makes sense to say so if a woman asks you what you do for a living, but if you just say it out of the blue, or if you ask her what she works with to create an excuse to mention your own job, she will sense that you are trying to impress her, as if you are not good enough otherwise and are submissively looking up to her.

You should never
try
to impress a woman you want. The paradox is that this will actually be a bit impressive to women, as they rarely meet males who are deeply interested in them but do not try hard to impress them. Most males boast and brag about themselves in an attempt to impress women and to prove themselves worthy. Any male who avoids making that mistake will be much better off. However, it is easier said than done for those who really
feel
they are less valuable than women, especially those who feel so worthless that they are willing to sacrifice themselves for a woman or, worse still, for
any
female who pays attention to them.

Sacrifice

A willingness to do and put up with
anything
for women may look charming on paper, but the only people who are willing to sacrifice themselves are those who have nothing of value to lose, and those who are willing to be led by someone else are submissive.

That is not the type of male that women want.

You may regard women highly and adore them as long as you think even better of yourself. You must never put them on a pedestal if it would cause them to look down on you, as it usually tends to do. Although women love to be admired and appreciated, they still want a man to look up to, not down upon, a man who deems himself important enough to deserve the best, including the best women. He would be insulting them otherwise, not honoring them.

Males who sacrifice themselves for females allow women to get on their nerves, to walk all over them, to push them around, and to take advantage of them. They accept verbal abuse, give up their hobbies, and cancel their plans according to the women’s whims, often voluntarily. They are so submissive that they will do anything, not because they love the woman so much, which is what they will tell the world, but because they love themselves so little. They have no self-respect.

A charming man shows women that he appreciates them a lot, but never at his own expense. He knows his boundaries and stands his ground at necessary times. He does so because he likes women and sometimes you have to give women what they want by not giving them what they ask for. However, do not tell women this outright, but keep this thought as a reminder of why throwing yourself under a bus for a woman to show her how much you care is a bad idea.

Compensate

Males who feel inadequate for women will feel an urge to compensate women for that perceived difference in value between themselves and the women. Since the invention of money, they have used it in attempts to qualify themselves, to demonstrate that they can be a good partner because they are good providers, to try to impress women, or to pay for their company with the hopes or expectations of getting sex in return. These actions are all in line with traditional socialization, which has fooled males into believing they have to earn women and as if women are not as interested in sex and hence must be compensated for the “trouble” of providing it.

Money is to most males what makeup is to most females — they feel they need it to be attractive to the opposite sex. The biggest difference is that makeup works to some extent for females, while money does not make a male more attractive unless he believes that it will. And for both makeup and money to be effective, they have to be applied properly; otherwise, both males and females are made less attractive. At the end of the day, though, the most attractive females do not need makeup, and the same goes for the most attractive males — they do not need money.

Few males realize why
they
are supposed to pay for females when dating. Why aren’t females supposed to pay for males, or why not split the tabs? Why are feminists who are outspokenly passionate about equal treatment, including equal pay, not adamant about equal
expenses
as well?

The expectation for males to pay for females’ company is something that we all learn very early on as part of all customs and traditions that belong to courtship, like paying for dinner and drinks when dating and purchasing the wedding ring and wedding
ceremony. We are not born with these beliefs, but before boys reach adolescence they have already adopted them, and girls have learned them too, to the extent of going on dates without even bringing their wallets or clothes that have pockets.

It is true that money
can
be used as a symbol to demonstrate that you care for a woman, but if it is, it should be spent without the expectation of anything in return — and that is not how most males use money with women. Half of males know that they are treating all women like prostitutes, while the other half have not thought that far or even deny that they do — while still paying. Although they might never seek out a “real” prostitute, if they knew from the start which women they spend money on will never get into bed with them, they would cancel those dates and not spend a cent on them.

In that sense, most males treat the women they want like prostitutes to some degree, from young boys paying for the girl’s ice cream to adult males paying for their girlfriend’s share of the apartment rent. The fact is that few females mind this. The only difference between regular females and prostitutes is how indirect and vague the transaction must be for it to be acceptable. However, the majority of females would never call themselves prostitutes, not even part-time, and would take great offense if someone else did;
yet
at the same time they all worry about being “cheap.”

Females who worry about being cheap have obviously already made up their minds that they can indeed be bought, as long as the price is right and as long as the customer is a male they like. They are unaware of having made this decision themselves, though, because they never did. Their socialization made that decision for them. Plenty of prostitutes have the same requirements; they only have sex with a male they like and only for the right price. The biggest difference between them and all other females is that they
are
aware
of the reality of their decision.