The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them (10 page)

Adults who tend to be easily embarrassed often rationalize that they are better people because of it, but you are not more respectable, polite, and well-mannered if you are easily ashamed. You are only more brainwashed, and that is the only thing that is truly embarrassing.

Sex is still taboo in many parts of the world, even though we all know it is the very reason we exist. We obviously would not be here if our ancestors had not had sex with each other. Your parents had sex with each other, and your grandparents had sex too. It is a scary thought, I know, and something no one likes to talk about. However, when you grow up in an environment in which people intentionally avoid such a central subject, then it starts becoming a social problem.

Traditional socialization has always made sex taboo, so although everyone has natural sexual desires, they are often covered up as if it would be a big deal for others to know. In most social settings, talking about sex is considered embarrassing, and even thinking about it is shameful.

Few families talk about sex in a relaxed manner around the dinner table, and most do not talk about it at all — despite a family being the result of sex. Children are told they were brought
into the world by a stork if they ask where they come from, and while being allowed to watch people get hurt or even die on TV, their parents change the channel if there is anything sexual in a television show. Many adults never talk about sex as if they have no interest in it and nothing to say about it, unless they have been drinking and then it all of a sudden can dominate an entire evening’s discussion. Many religions still preach that sex is bad for you, at least before you have married, and legislators have imposed age restrictions on both the access of sexual material as well as the real practice of sex itself. These restrictions are enforced by incarceration, which forces people to hide their natural sexual desires and hence be ashamed of them.

All forms of shame are indicators of your low self-esteem, which is why you have to get over them. However, it really becomes a problem when you are ashamed of your sexual desires, since you have to reveal to women that you find them sexy and that you want to have sex with them to seduce them. Otherwise, you will end up with a female friend, not a girlfriend, because sex is what separates the two kinds of relationships.

Many males believe there are insurmountable sexual differences between males and females, but while there are some sexual differences, they are not significant enough to matter for our purposes. Social differences, however, create the
illusion
that there are big biological differences: When females are more prone to avoid the subject of sex than males (as they are pressured to do so), society adopts the idea that females are less interested in sex, and almost all males who are unsuccessful with women believe this is the case.

That women are supposedly less interested in sex is often communicated indirectly by insinuations, phrased in terms of males being more interested in sex, if not completely obsessed about it.
And when females are pressured to avoid responsibility for sex and are taught to feign disinterest and play hard to get, they inevitably create the impression that they are less sexual, that their sexual desires are lower, and that their sexual fantasies are less frequent than those of males.

Nevertheless, females are not less interested in sex than males are; they are just more cautious and more concerned about appearing cautious, even if that includes downplaying their sexual interest, rounding down the number of sexual partners they have had, or lying about how often they think about sex when asked in surveys. Their sexual drive is equal to that of males and may even seem
higher
when it is unleashed after having been suppressed, something that men who are good with women happily discovered long ago.

This is essential to understand because you will not be successful with women if you hide your sexual interest in them, if you are unable to make them feel sexy, and if you are unable to arouse them sexually — things you will have a hard time doing if you believe that sex is not something women want or if you are ashamed of your sexual desires.

Any shame you feel indicates that you consider other people’s opinion more important than your own and has to be dealt with, and if it is evident in sexual circumstances you have to deal with it as soon as possible. If you check women out but look away when they notice you doing it, if your face turns red whenever sex comes up, if you’d rather walk around than straight through the lingerie section, if you leave the room or lower your voice when your girlfriend calls you, or if buying condoms takes more effort than buying anything else, you have to get over it. And the only way to do that is to challenge rather than avoid those kinds of uncomfortable situations. For starters, you should read this book
in a
public
place, such as on the bus to school, on the subway to work, or at the café you go to on the weekends, if that is what you would normally do but
somehow
decided not to this time. If you always read books in the privacy of your own home, make an exception this time and go out to read.

Challenge yourself! No one else will do it for you.

You have to become shameless so that you are able to do whatever you want to do, whatever needs to be done, even if some people generally would avoid it and label it as embarrassing. If
they
want to make themselves feel bad, fine. Let them have it. Some people actually do feel embarrassed about what other people do; that is how strong the effects of social conditioning can be, but this only proves that some of our feelings have
nothing
to do with our own experience.

Shame and pride are on opposite sides of the same spectrum, and proud of yourself is something that you should be. But never boast and brag about yourself because that means that you are still concerned with what other people think of you and still consider their opinion more highly than your own (you are submissive). Let go of such ideas, and if others let you know that you ought to be ashamed of anything, do not yield to their reality. Be confident!

Unyielding

To be dominant means to have an unyielding personality, to have personal integrity. To be stubborn, but with a smile on your face and without arguing. People will notice this when you are less reluctant to give in to their wishes and when you never sacrifice your convictions for the opinions or wishes of others.

While personal development and growth are both admirable and desirable, most males feel the need to change themselves for women, but you should never have to change your true self for
women to get them. If you do, it is not really
you
that is getting girls, but some alternate persona.

The only situation in which it may
seem
appropriate to pretend to be someone you are not is if you believe you are unattractive to women and normally act that way. It may appear that you have to pretend to be someone you are not to be confident, charming, and responsible, but one of my main points in this book is to show you that you were once attractive to women, and you would have stayed that way had it not been for your socialization. If you are unsuccessful with women, it is not because you are being yourself, but the opposite.

To have an unyielding personality includes being able to say “no” to women when they ask you for something that you
only
would consider to agree to because a pretty face is asking, and you would never allow yourself to be persuaded otherwise. This includes being dragged up on stage to sing or dance if you do not feel like it. It also includes refusing to be treated as a home improvement project by your girlfriends.

Some females like to see their male as an incomplete human being, and they try hard to change him into what they honestly do
believe
is better, only to find that once they have gotten their way they are puzzled because they are no longer attracted to him. At first, it does not appear to make sense. They should like him even more after all of the changes, yet they find that they do not and neither do they have any idea why that is. Even more puzzled is the male in the relationship who has given up all his hobbies, mates, habits, and opinions just as she asked, only to find himself single again “despite” all the sacrifices he made for the female.

This phenomenon is only a phenomenon if you do not understand that the male’s unyielding personality turned out to be not so unyielding after all. He did not become less attractive
despite
his sacrifices, but
because
of them. He was obviously not as sure of himself as she first thought; he was not very confident after all since he changed himself so much.

Men who are good with women do not change themselves for women; they never even consider it, and they certainly do not fear losing women, as it is not confident to worry about things. Not only do they expect to get away with their selfish and shameless behavior, but they also expect women to yield to them as they are unyielding themselves. Basically, they are optimistic.

OPTIMISTIC

To be optimistic means to have positive expectations, and your expectations are your mental predisposition of how you will handle
uncertainty
. It is about whether you believe the future will unfold in your favor or not, and to be confident with women, it is best to adopt positive expectations whenever you interact with them.

All men who are successful with women have such positive expectations, or at least they act like they do. But most males are pessimistic when it comes to women and thus have negative expectations, sometimes even assuming the worst. They overreact and immediately think that they have been stood up if a woman has not arrived exactly on time for a date, and they quickly become jealous if she as much as mentions other males. However, the worst males never get that far. As soon as they lay their eyes on a woman, they assume she has a boyfriend already, that he must be better than they are, that she would never be interested in them, that she would even be upset if they approached her, and that they will fail, so there is no point in even trying. If they do try, their low expectations become known by the way that they present themselves. They might say, “You wouldn’t want to go on
a date with me, would you?” This would make it very clear that they do not expect her to accept, which she of course doesn’t, as she is not attracted to a male with so little confidence if she has better options.

But the real problem with this pessimistic attitude is that all expectations are self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe things will not go your way, perhaps even that you will bother women when you approach them, things probably won’t go your way, and you probably will bother women, if you allow that lack of confidence to show. But if you do not believe you will bother women, if you believe that women will be glad to meet you, they probably will be glad to meet you since being approached by a confident male is the biggest compliment a woman can receive, even if she is uninterested for other reasons.

When your confidence is low, it is normal to worry about the outcome and to try to anticipate what will happen, how a woman will react, and how she will respond. Your brain attempts to reduce the uncertainty of the situation, even if it requires irrational delusion. When your self-esteem is really low, it tends to show itself through a remarkable obsession of worrying about what other people think of you. You will be inclined to try to read other people’s minds, both of the women you are interested in and of people who are nearby.

No one can predict the future accurately and consistently, and that includes you, so stop trying to figure out how a woman and others will react, and instead find out for sure. Pay attention to what women actually
do
, not what you believe they will do. Your fears are still only in your imagination, regardless of how vivid or likely they seem. You have to be rational and see things for what they really are. You will never know exactly what is going to happen, but you do not have to, so avoid fretting about the
outcome. So far, you have been able to handle every challenge life has presented to you, both in expected and unexpected situations, and I can promise you that you will be able to handle whatever happens today and tomorrow, too. This is what true confidence is all about. It is not about feeling certain, it is about dealing with uncertainty. Worry plays no part in that.

If you could read other people’s mind, you would probably be disappointed because the sad reality is that people do not think that much about you. They are too busy thinking about themselves, worrying about what other people are thinking about them. While you are worrying about what other people are thinking of you, they are worrying about what you are thinking of them. You are all self-conscious.

Self-Conscious

Women are often self-conscious because they know physical looks are important for a female to be attractive, but it does not matter that much for their attractiveness to males, as their internal state does not affect their bodies significantly. However, being self-conscious is something you have to avoid at all costs as a male.

Unfortunately, the worst mistake that you can make when you attempt to improve your confidence is to become more self-conscious, but it is also the most common mistake. You become acutely aware of all of your actions, no matter how small or insignificant, which in turn hinders your ability to perform anything that is more complex, such as engaging in more than one thing at once. You “choke,” or your mind goes blank because you are thinking too much, which causes your conscious mind to interfere with your nonconscious mind, which runs most of your life quite adequately without interference.

Real confidence calls for the complete opposite of self-consciousness;
if you can
tolerate uncertainty
, you will not focus on yourself at all. Instead, you will lose yourself in the moment. You will not worry about other people and how they perceive you or be nervous about making mistakes. You will trust yourself enough and require no more guarantees than that.