The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them (14 page)

A fear can be either rational or irrational depending on whether the situation
really
threatens our well-being. A few things in life are undoubtedly good to be afraid of, such as everything that endangers our survival, but women are not dangerous. They are
neither deadly nor poisonous, so fearing them is irrational. Yet, it is common for males to feel intimidated by and anxious around women.

In fact, most males are afraid to approach a good-looking girl, but they live in denial of it by simply avoiding talking to such women and then rationalizing by lying to themselves and to anyone who brings it up. And many males are capable of risking their lives by going to war while serving the military, bashing through a burning house as a firefighter, and dealing with dangerous animals. Yet, they cannot bring themselves to walk up to a woman and flirt with her in front of other people. They cannot even maintain eye contact without shying away when they find themselves alone with a lovely looking lady in an elevator.

This type of fear is irrational since women are harmless; not only are females more vulnerable than males but aggressive behavior is not feminine either.

Nevertheless, few males actually understand how critical it is to deal with this irrational fear if they are ever going to end up with a woman they want. You absolutely have to deal with it, as women are not attracted to cowardly males because the more easily frightened a male is, the less confidence he has, the more vulnerable he appears, and thus the less attractive he is to females. It is obvious that he is not masculine and would therefore be unfit to protect her and her children better than she could on her own.

You should avoid showing
any
signs of fear when you are with a woman you are interested in, so it is definitely not a good idea to come across as a coward during your first interaction. If you were to freak out in front of a female because of a deadly animal, you might get some sympathy from a few females, but none of them can comprehend that
women
could frighten males the way that they do. It seems absurd because it is.

However absurd it may be, an irrational fear cannot be dealt with using rationality alone. No amount of reasoning, pondering, or hours of reliving childhood memories in therapy is going to do any good because the fear does not make sense to begin with. It is
irrational
, yet you will still feel afraid after realizing that you have no good reason to be afraid. You have to identify this fear as nonsense and then ignore it. Accept that you feel afraid, but go ahead and act anyway. It might not be easy, but it really is that simple, and in time, the anxiety you feel will vanish as your erroneous beliefs are proved wrong through real experience.

How much effort it takes to appear certain even when you are not depends on your internal ability to tolerate uncertainty, on how courageous you are.

All of us are able to tolerate uncertainty, but to different degrees. Some people do not even dare to ask a stranger for directions if they are lost, while some might be able to relocate abroad to take a new job among people they have never met before. Regardless of your level of tolerance, however, you can always increase it by deciding to challenge yourself every day, bit by bit. Do things that you have never done before. Take action even if you are afraid to do it. Stop worrying about the outcome or what other people think of you. Take more chances and seize the moment. Expand your comfort zone by exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations.

Comfort Zone

Your comfort zone is the imaginary boundary in your mind within which you feel safe and secure. It is a combination of beliefs about what you are capable of (what you feel certain about), and every time you attempt something you do not believe you can do, you feel varying degrees of discomfort and insecurity (you feel uncertain). You will have problems staying relaxed in mind and body;
you will feel anxious and afraid; and you will start to worry.

But to expand your comfort zone, you have to step out of it as far as possible, as long as possible, and as often as possible. There is no easy way to do it, and the hard way is the only sure way to permanently increase your confidence.

However, having a large comfort zone
in general
does not necessarily mean that life will be easier when you deal with women, and if women make you uncomfortable or perhaps even intimidate you, then you must seek more face time with them despite your anxiety. Fortunately, since women are not dangerous, your actions do not really constitute taking a risk when you expand your comfort zone with them.

Those who are most uncomfortable in uncertain situations, those with the least courage, often like to state that some people are born this way and you cannot change who you are. There is some truth to that. It is just that
some
people are not born courageous,
all
of us are, and you
can
change who you are; in fact, everyone who is not courageous anymore has obviously
already
changed.

We are all born with confidence that is based on a high tolerance for uncertainty rather than a high degree of certainty. Our natural confidence cannot be based on certainty since we have not acquired much of that at a young age. We are born as curious risk takers but part of our earliest social conditioning involves repressing this behavior. Both fears and doubt are instilled in us to ruin our confidence and make us more cautious. This is all done with the best of intentions, of course, so we do not kill ourselves while carelessly exploring the world before we understand how dangerous it really can be.

However, when we have grown up and can take care of ourselves there is no more need for that kind of help. We are smart
enough to tell the difference between rational and irrational dangers and no longer have to err on the safe side and be afraid of everything that is unknown. Yet the way in which we were raised often left us with a strong fear of the unknown, a fear of anything unknown, a fear that stays with us even as adults and causes all kinds of problems.

If women intimidate you, then I know you would love to hear that there is an
easy
solution or at least something
easier
than facing your fears. But if you learn only one thing from this book, it should be that it is that very mindset, your lack of balls, that has kept you from having the women you want. You cannot keep doing the same thing repeatedly and expect a different result. That is either madness or stupidity.

Women dream of being swept off their feet by men, and you do that by approaching and interacting boldly with them. Because of your socialization, however, it will be uncomfortable at first. You will feel anxious or afraid, but that is a
good
sign! Those emotions are all signs that you are most likely doing or considering doing the
right
thing — something confident.

Obviously, your initial reaction will be to avoid all sorts of effort and discomfort. This is why introductions, personal ads, and online dating will always be popular. However, none of those popular approaches will ever be
effective
because women are attracted to males who are more likely to avoid such venues — men who have the balls to talk to women face to face.

Therefore, as long as you look for ways to make meeting women easier, to make yourself feel more comfortable, you still have work to do. You need to push through discomfort, not avoid it. The safer you think you play, the less you actually play at all.

Feelings like anxiety might have kept you from approaching women, and fear of rejection might have kept you from showing
your intentions, but surely doing things that go against your feelings have not always stopped you in
other
areas of your life. You have probably had to speak in front of your class, mow the lawn, clean the house, pay your bills, file your taxes, get vaccinated, or even get up in the morning
despite
not
feeling
like it — several times. Doing things despite not feeling like it is part of living. The biggest difference in this case though is that the result of your “effort” will be a lot more enjoyable than getting a good grade in school or having a clean house. You will end up with something that actually matters to you.

Old males on their deathbeds with their reasoning still intact do not regret getting poor grades or wish they had spent more time cleaning the house; they regret not taking more chances, not seizing the day, and not enjoying themselves more, in particular with women.

The more times you face your fears, ignore your worries, and live through so-called embarrassing moments, the less power over you these
learned
emotions will have. They will gradually diminish. Eventually you will realize how ridiculous they are, and all those kinds of feelings will disappear altogether. Until then, you have to have faith in yourself. Whatever happens, happens. You
will
handle it. You really cannot be certain of much in life anyway, so being able to tolerate uncertainty will improve your life on all levels. This is the only way to permanently and truly become more attractive to women as courage is nothing but unconditional confidence, and it is the most valuable thing you can offer a woman’s genes.

Chapter Five

CHARM

The ability to make others feel good about themselves. To be popular, selective, and caring with women, and never act desperate around them.

Charm is not a distinct or concrete quality that can be observed on its own. It is merely a label for a range of behaviors that, combined, comprise your ability to make other people feel good about themselves and to make them smile. However, there is a difference between making others smile and making them laugh. Charming people are not necessarily funny.

When it comes to being a charming man around women, it is better to focus on making women smile rather than trying to make them laugh. Hence, there is no need to be funny all the time, as charm and humor are not the same thing. Although some humor can be used to make a woman smile, if you are not a born comedian, you should not spend any time trying to become funnier. If you do, you risk becoming an entertainer instead of a lover. And if you are a born comedian, you might want to tone it down when you are with women for the same reason. It is perfectly okay to be funny if you do so to entertain
yourself
, but it is not necessary to get girls, even though women still claim they want funny males.

Funny

You have probably heard females say that humor is the most important characteristic they look for in a male, and countless surveys — designed to reveal “what women want” — have been conducted reaching the same conclusion. Nevertheless, this is not the case.

Those studies (and the females, for that matter) have it all backward. Females are not attracted to funny males, but they find the males they
already
deem attractive to be funny. When you are fond of someone, you laugh more easily, even at foolish jokes that you normally would not respond to or statements that are not jokes to begin with. This creates the illusion that “I like him because he is funny,” when the reverse is really true: “I think he is funny because I like him.” Girls particularly tend to giggle a lot when they are close to a man they want because expressions of vulnerability (including anxiety and nervous laughter) embody feminine behavior.

This is another example of why you should never listen to dating advice from females or dating surveys, as they tend to confuse cause with effect. This is an easy mistake to make, but it can have a devastating consequence on your success if it makes you chase skills or qualities you do not need. Too often males focus on being funny around women, acting like clowns, telling jokes, and performing pranks, to make the woman they want laugh instead of making her feel any useful emotion, such as attractive or horny.

These are the emotions that you should try to evoke with the women you want, and you will know you are doing a good job of being charming when you always make women smile every time you meet them, even before you have said a word — as this means they have associated seeing you with positive emotions. This is
why everyone loves people who are charming, as it literally
feels
good to be around them.

Charming people feel good about themselves as well, and they allow that emotion to be contagious by extending it to other people, showing their interest in them, and bringing out the best from everyone else. They steer conversations toward topics that they notice other people are interested in or by asking questions that require the recollection of good memories that instantly make them feel better. However, there is one thing in particular that makes women feel good about themselves: making them feel attractive. Thus, when it comes to seduction, being charming is about making a woman feel attractive, particularly making her feel that she is
more
attractive than other women — that she is special.

This is what being flirtatious is all about (which we will cover in Part III), but how well you are able to make a woman feel attractive depends on how attractive she thinks you are, not only to her but also to other women. A male who is interested in a woman will inevitably be able to flatter her more the more confident he is. For instance, a sincere compliment will always have a greater impact when given by someone who appears certain and important (someone who is confident), and especially if that someone is seen as popular and appears to be attractive to other women as well — a man who could be giving the compliment to someone else, yet did not.

POPULAR

A male does not need to be or appear popular in general to be successful with women. A large social network would only be necessary if your means of meeting women is through introductions or by coincidence, but those approaches waste too much time.
However, the more popular a male appears to be among females, the more options among females he seems to have, the greater the potential he has to make women feel attractive if he puts all others aside for one woman.

Though a male does not need experience with or access to other females to get a girl, the appearance of it makes it easier to be more charming. Plenty of women are in relationships with men who are hated by the women’s female friends, but women still prefer a popular man, if given the choice.

This is why females find a male who is already with another female more interesting — including a male wearing a wedding ring — as that is a sign that he has options. It is not because the ring is a sign that the male is unafraid of commitment, which some people like to believe; it is because it is a symbol of
another female’s
commitment to him. This is also why females find a male already surrounded by females more attractive, and they might find a sudden new spark of interest in a male as soon as they find out that another girl is interested in him, even if they just broke up with him.

Males who are observant may have noticed that, while they were already in a relationship, while they had their wedding ring on, or while they were out on a date with a woman, other females seemed to be more interested all of a sudden. They might even have noticed other females looking their way. On the other hand, after breaking up and being single, the same males may have experienced a “dry spell,” with the appearance of not as many options and no female giving them a second glance.

When you consider this, it is less surprising that females sometimes say “all the
good
men are taken.” Of course it will appear that way, if being taken is part of their nonconscious definition of a good man.

The natural result of this is that males are, broadly speaking, found in one of two situations: They are either struggling with females or they have women in abundance. While our socialization is designed to make us believe that females are attracted to males who are successful in society, one might say that being successful is actually one part of being attractive to females: Females prefer males who are successful with females, but not necessarily successful with anything else.

Maybe you have even seen so-called “losers” who did not have much going for them according to the standards of society — no education, no career, and no future worth speaking of — yet
somehow
were successful with women. This sight is a common thorn in the eye of males who are much more successful in their careers than they are with women, and it is a scenario that parents with attractive daughters worry about, as they know it is not unlikely for their girl to end up with such a “failure” for a boyfriend.

So why is this? This is because a male who has options among several females yet chooses
one
particular female to be with is paying her a great compliment, in fact, the greatest compliment. From an evolutionary perspective, she will be more likely to survive and reproduce with a male who prefers her over other females. It is the biggest ego boost a female can get, and it makes her feel valuable, which is only another word for attractive. Women do not just want to feel attractive, they want to feel more attractive than other females.

Ironically,
all
females want to feel special. However, this is no different from the way all males want to feel special too, in that males desire a sexually carefree woman, except they only want her to be carefree with
them
and not with other males.

Many females will conclude that a male has options simply if
he conveys enough masculine confidence, but men who really do have options behave much more differently from males who do not. The most obvious way to spot such a man would be to see him bringing along women wherever he goes, but that is far from practical and easier said than done if you have trouble meeting women to begin with. You could also dress up like a pimp, but luckily you do not have to do anything that ridiculous either.

Whether or not a man has options among women is, by other people’s standards, assumed evident by his manners in the same way his abilities are assumed evident by his confidence. For starters, he is happy, as happiness supposedly comes from already having what you want, and males want women.

Happy

A male
struggling
with women might think: “I would be happy if only I were getting laid!” And that is exactly the point. A male who appears to be happy, always in a good mood, relaxed, optimistic, and with a smile on his face, is actually showing signs of being successful with women.

But he also appears to be comfortable in whatever situation he is in, and since happiness is contagious like all other strong emotions, it is actually something other people enjoy being exposed to, and it quickly makes them feel comfortable in his presence. Thus, he seems more charming as they feel better.

This is why women say they love gay guys, yet complain that they are unattainable (for obvious reasons). Clearly, it would be foolish to pretend to be gay to get girls, yet some males try that.

Regardless of whether you actually are happy, you have to appear happy whenever you are around women that you want. You might have to force it for the first couple of minutes, but if you are talking to an attractive female you will usually forget your worries
quite quickly, and then you will not have to force it anymore.

The number one sign of happiness is a constant, natural smile, and this is one reason why you should also be smiling a lot — not to mention that smiling is a sign that you are glad to see a woman and enjoy spending time with her. Besides that, all you need is a generally positive attitude (optimism) and to avoid talking about negative things for too long.

In the end, however, women prefer men who are popular, because such men can be selective, which is what women want — to feel special.

SELECTIVE

A selective man carefully chooses the women he spends his time with. This is accomplished by approaching the women you want without lowering your standards or accepting anything or anyone but the best.

To have high standards regarding the females you are interested in is important, and as counterintuitive as it may seem, a male’s chances of success actually
increase
with his standards. Like I mentioned previously, however, most males do the exact opposite and settle for less, which makes their lives even more difficult.

There are two reasons why refusing to settle is a good thing. First, males who believe they “deserve” the best and can actually get it, including the best females, obviously have confidence and self-esteem. They value themselves and deem themselves and their wishes most important; they have no willingness to compromise if it would mean getting a worse deal. Second, when such a male who believes he “deserves” the best and would not settle with anything less chooses a female to be with, he is making a grand statement about her value too. It makes her feel much more attractive and special, which is something all females want to feel.

Females actually want males to have high standards, but they also want to fit into those high standards so they can feel good about themselves. Even if a male does not approach the most attractive female (although he should), he should still tell the one he does approach that she is the most attractive one because that compliments her. If he were to reveal that he has no standards at all, or very low standards, it would be a real insult to the female he just approached. This is one reason women are repulsed by desperate males.

However, there is no need to make a woman qualify herself when you are talking to her unless you really do have some unwavering requirements that she must fulfill. Just let her know that you do have high standards, even mention what you are looking for in a woman, but also let her know that she has met your criteria already. You can gather cues by paying attention to what she tells you and then feed back to her the qualities you see in her as exactly what you are looking for, if you only want her for the night. But if you are looking for a long-term relationship, you might want to be more thorough, although it can still wait until after you have had sex to avoid ending up with a soul mate who cannot please you sexually.

A female who likes a male a lot may try to qualify herself or even to impress him. If that happens to you, you should just let her do so while getting yourself ready to make your next move, but you should not expect a woman to qualify herself and should never try to force her to do so. You have absolutely nothing to gain from playing hard to get, but you do have a lot to lose. You may lose some women who could easily have been yours, but felt bad because you treated them as not good enough for you, which is quite uncharming, or because you did not take things further when you had the chance to, which is irresponsible.

Although popularity in males is a good thing, too much of anything never is, and that includes having had or wanting to have too many females. A female will no longer feel special if she believes a male has been with or wants to be with too many females, because in that case he is no longer selective: If you have been or want to be with hundreds of females, no female is that special, even if they all were or are hot as hell.

While women may still be attracted to such men, they will have a much harder time trusting them, and if you are unable to make them comfortable, you will never get very far. This is why you have to be quick to downplay your interest in
other women
if a woman ever tells you that she believes you are a player or womanizer, unless you are looking for multiple relationships and want to be honest and open about it. If you do not quickly turn it around and frame it as other women are more interested in you than you are in them, you risk losing the woman you want as she no longer feels special, and she brought the issue up because she already suspects that she is not that special to you. The point is that women want a man many other women are interested in; they do not want a man who is interested in many other women.