The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them (20 page)

Chapter Seven

CONVERSATION

Males rarely have problems talking to their friends or family but often clam up around females, particularly attractive females. Their minds go blank, and they have no idea what to say to women.

Knowing
what
to say to women is the most common concern among males who are unsuccessful with them. They obsess over every single word, phrase, and possible response ahead of time. It is an inevitable result of traditional socialization, as it makes males feels inadequate for or intimated by women, while at the same time reducing their natural ability to tolerate uncertainty.

A male’s mindset — his beliefs about himself, women, and how to get them — form the backbone of
how
he talks to women. If a male has no problems talking to his friends or family, then he should have no difficulty talking to a woman; if he does, it means his mindset is wrong. At some level, conscious or not, he believes that women are
much
different from his friends and family members and that he has to speak to and treat them
much
differently.

Males overestimate the importance of
what
they have to say to women when they are stuck in the traditional mindset. The truth is, women do not really care that much. Often the exact words do not even register with them, and even if they do respond to what a man says, it is unlikely that they will remember much of what he said, but they will remember how he said everything.

When a male stumbles on his words, stutters, or goes awkwardly quiet all of a sudden, females lose their interest in him as he clearly lacks confidence (he appears uncertain), not because he has nothing interesting to say or because he is not an interesting person. If a female is attracted to a male, pretty much everything he says will be interesting to her, especially if he is talking about
her
, since it is charming for him to care.

To be interesting
enough
for a woman is quite easy, because all it really takes is to be charming; to show her that you are interested in her. Women instantly become interested in males who are interested in them, while uninteresting people are uninteresting because they (1) say nothing at all or (2) they talk about the same thing every day.

Males who have no problems speaking to women only differ in one way from those who have difficulty — they do not believe that attractive females are much different from other people except that they are sexually attractive, so they talk to women with the intent to flirt. They do not talk with women to make friends or business contacts, and their manner of talking to them is similar to how you address your younger sister, not a goddess.

Many men who are naturally good with women only talk nonsense to them in a flirtatious way, because that is enough to get many women into bed and even to maintain a sexual relationship. This does not require any
impressive
skill, and that is exactly the point.

If you know such a man and were to ask him, “What did you say to her?” after seeing him flirt with a woman, it is very likely that he would not even remember, and you can tell that his attitude is different from yours. Many such men are unaware of any need to talk to women much differently to begin with. The very question, “What did you say to her?” even seems odd to them.

Dialogue

It is hard not to notice that women like to talk about everything with each other. That is why they are constantly talking — there is so much to talk about when you do not limit topics. Even if they are all by themselves, they are often either talking to someone on the phone or chatting online. I bring this up to remind you that the woman will be talking with you half the time, maybe even more than that if she really likes you. Attractive females are especially good at talking because of all the attention they get from males who try to make friends with them (while
thinking
they are flirting), and when these women feel comfortable with a man, the conversation floodgates are likely to open.

Although you have to initiate the conversation, and usually dominate it
initially
, there will be two people participating after a few minutes because it is a dialogue, not a monologue. You should not be the only one talking; doing so creates the impression that you are uninterested in the woman, and in this you will only appear confident but not charming.

Granted, most women are not going to provide anywhere near half of the conversation with a stranger in the beginning. Instead they will answer questions with brief and useless comments until they are comfortable and start to respond in a more normal fashion. This can take a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, the male has to keep the conversation going so it does not stall, because
unlike a regular everyday conversation, it otherwise will. To avoid stalling, it helps to ask open-ended questions and to make open-ended statements. Ideally, you will get a
great
answer in return, but you cannot expect it. You have to be prepared either way, and if you get a not so great answer, such as “I don’t know,” or even a one-word reply, you can clarify the question by telling the woman what you would have answered were you asked the same question.

When women are talking
a lot
, it means they are comfortable. This is a very good sign for a male — that they feel good around him — but more important than looking for signs of interest from a woman is identifying their absence. It is more useful for you to notice that a woman is not talking a lot and take it as a reminder that you need to work harder at making her feel more comfortable, which in this case means to be able to talk more yourself and to perhaps go first by talking about yourself, to lead by example. She may still be interested in you if she is quiet if she is a shy or inexperienced woman, but it is more likely that you have to work harder to make her feel better.

But do not try to force a conversation. That is below a man’s dignity.

A good listener is always seen as a good conversationalist, but that does not mean that you can hold a conversation by remaining
completely
quiet while only nodding and maintaining eye contact, because women tend to interpret silence differently than men do. Since most women talk more the more comfortable they are, they also tend to interpret silence from someone as a sign that something is bothering them, which is the opposite vibe a male wants to send.

What a man talks about with women generally is not anything special or different from what he would be talking about with his friends. He does not need to impress women by talking about
something exciting or by dazzling them with fantastic topics, whatever happened during his day or how he is honestly feeling about something is enough. What he does need to do differently, however, is to flirt, because he is not looking for friendship in this case. Women usually separate the males they have sex with from the males they keep as friends, mentally, as it is
behavior
that they are attracted to primarily, not bodies. It is easy to become friends with a woman after you have had sex with her, but it is much, much harder to have sex with her after you have become friends.

A man can talk about almost anything as long as what he says is congruent with the mindset and manners of an attractive male and is aligned with his purpose of flirting with the woman. He can even talk about nonsense as long as he does it in a confident manner and flirts whenever the opportunity presents itself. A male runs the risk of losing far more women because he does not say anything at all than he does because he is saying the wrong things.

You can even talk about sex, and usually should, as long as you do not make the woman feel like a slut by asking her foolish things like whether she goes all the way on the first date or intimate questions that other people may overhear, for instance. Sex is nothing to be embarrassed about; it is part of whatever relationship you are looking for, and bringing the topic up is the easiest way to make a woman think about having sex with you. Therefore, it would not make sense to avoid it, but you do have to treat the subject as the no big deal that it is. Be serious and candid instead of joking about it. People who joke about sex all the time do so because they are uncomfortable with the topic, and women prefer such a male as their
entertainer
rather than their lover.

Nevertheless, since a male wants to make women feel certain things and to come across as a certain type of man, he should avoid talking about or saying anything that would detract from
that impression. For example, to come across as masculine, a male cannot discuss his interest in wearing women’s lingerie or his tendency to cry a lot. To come across as confident, he cannot talk about his insecurities, fears, or worries. To come across as charming, he has to avoid anything gross, negative, or depressing that would make women feel bad. To come across as taking responsibility for sex, he may not shift the responsibility to the woman or make her feel like a slut, unless she says that she is, which offers a great opportunity to dig deeper on the topic of sex.

While it is not completely foolish to consider
what
to say to women, it is more important to understand
how
to talk to them.

You should talk to a woman as if she
already
is your lover and sexual partner, not a stranger or friend. You are not talking to her to find out what time the bus leaves or what the weather is like outside; to do so would be to treat her like a random stranger. And you should never share your worst personal problems with her or try to gain her sympathy. That is what friends are for.

A male who tries to make women feel bad for him is focusing on the wrong emotions. Remember, to be charming means to make women feel good about themselves. You do not want her to feel pity for you; you want her to feel
attraction
toward you,
attractive
to you, and
comfortable
with you. At the same time, it is of utmost importance that a woman trust you; otherwise, your words will have no meaning, and there is no way that she will allow herself to be alone with you since you could potentially be dangerous.

You accomplish all of this by being
direct
,
flirtatious
, and
friendly
.

DIRECT

When you “have” lots of confidence, self-esteem, and masculinity, you appear sure of yourself, you appear important, and you avoid all manners typically considered feminine; in particular, you avoid appearing vulnerable. Males like this are very direct not only with their actions, but also with their words. They know what they want to say, consider it significant, and say it. They are straightforward. Being verbally straightforward is the exact opposite of the way women typically talk, as it is more confrontational than cautious, which makes it masculine too.

The more women you have talked with, the more you know that they are far from straightforward; they are
indirect
, not explicitly saying what they want, dropping hints and insinuating things, leaving some things unsaid while talking about other things endlessly without getting to the point. Women call this being “sensitive,” but it is actually being cautious, to avoid conflict and build a consensus, as they are less able to protect themselves than males are. They rarely realize this however; they only feel it is natural and appropriate, and just as they feel it is natural and appropriate for females to talk like this, they do not appreciate a
male
who does and will not feel attraction toward a male who is as verbally timid — which is exactly how most males who are not getting girls are talking to them.

A man does the exact opposite; he is direct when he talks to women. Not only does it make him more attractive, but it also speeds up the dating process while simultaneously eliminating the confusion and misunderstanding that a more feminine and indirect approach brings. When you do it perfectly, you will make women blush, or they will exclaim “I cannot believe you just said that!” with a big smile on their face, and that is when you know
that what you just said struck a chord deep inside them by telling them something that they
want
but did not
expect
to hear.

Women often respond this way to very blunt compliments, such as if you tell them that you think their big breasts look lovely, as long as you say it with a smile on your face and stand your ground without apologizing or explaining yourself if they
pretend
to be upset.

You should not be evasive in any way as it makes you seem ashamed of yourself. This includes being able to answer questions as straightforwardly as possible if that would be the most
bold
thing to do. For instance, if you are short or unemployed and a woman asks about your height or job, give it to her straight without hesitation.

Being this direct is easy when you know there is no need to play games with women, to impress them, to hide your sexual intentions toward them, and that they actually enjoy when a male speaks to them like that, while communicating with women is also easier when you know they are usually indirect.

To understand what most women are trying to tell a male, he has to read between the lines, especially when they drop hints that sometimes just
appear
to be empty statements. So the next time you are on a date and your woman says, “It is so cold in here,” that means she wants to go somewhere else, preferably a warmer place, but wants to follow your lead. When she says, “My feet hurt,” she is trying to tell you that she wants to sit down, take her shoes off, or get a foot massage — whatever seems appropriate for the current situation.

Do not ignore what she is saying; instead, acknowledge or agree with her and then respond to her embedded message, or even better, react to it and
do
something about it. Take the responsibility she is trying to avoid.

Assertive

Women’s typically indirect way of speaking lacks assertiveness, and that is one reason it is so unattractive and ineffective for
males
. When you are assertive, you communicate to the world that you are confident, dominant, and responsible; you know what you want, you know what you have to say is significant, and you take responsibility by bringing up matters directly.