Unbeautifully Loved (Breathe Again) (20 page)

I ruffled through my hangers, pulling out a pair of black pajama shorts and a pink camisole. “Yeah, it’s his job.” I told her throwing on a black zip up hoodie. “So it’s all good.”

“True,” she said. “Hey, since you’re staying in tonight...” she trailed off, her eyes looking to the ceiling.

“Yeah...” I urged, waiting for her to continue, knowing where it was going.

Erik.

“Do you mind if I go out?” she blurted out

“Gonna meet Erik?” I asked wiggling my eyebrow.

“Yeah, I really wanna meet him.” She smiled her eyes bright. “So far we’ve hit it off and I’d like to put a face to the name.”

“Go, have fun.” I smiled, gathering my hair in my hands and pulling it into a messy bun on top of my head. “If you’re not going to be home text me okay?”

“I will. Hey, you sure you’ll be okay alone?” she asked hesitantly.

I laughed. “Mollie, I’m twenty-six, I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for the night. Plus Lukas is dropping by later,” I said nonchalantly.

Mollie lifted her chin and grinned, “Oh is that so?”

“Uh huh, that’s what he said before he left,” I told her, my face heating as thoughts of downstairs replayed over in my head and a smile danced across my face.

“I take it Lukas
loved
the dress?” she teased in a sing song voice.

Loved? No

Fuckin’ loved? Yes.

So much so he almost fucked me against the closet door and I would have let him if Mollie and Finn hadn’t been upstairs.

Lukas had a way of affecting me, more than anyone ever had. As much as I just wanted to walk away, after what happened downstairs I knew there was no way that was an option anymore. One touch from him and I was bound to combust. The thought alone caused my heart to sputter and stomach clench.

“Uh yeah, he liked it.” My voice cracked in the middle.

“Uh huh, I bet he did.” Mollie was still grinning and her eyes bright. “Anyway I’m gonna go and meet Erik, see you later.”

Mollie took off out of my room and was gone within ten minutes. I dug my cell outta my purse and headed downstairs to the living room. After cracking open a bottle of white wine Mollie had picked up, I flipped the television on and began my search for something to watch. I settled on a sitcom about two girls, a horse and opening a cupcake shop while I sipped my wine.

My mind began to wander from the show, and directly to Lukas and later tonight.

It was going to happen tonight, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind about it.

Dex and I didn’t really have a healthy sex life. In the beginning, sure, but then that changed and when I got pregnant it was an instant turn off to him because, in his words, I was getting fat and gross.

The last time was after Finn was born, when I was given the go ahead from my doctor. It wasn’t long after that, that I started putting two and two together that Dex was getting it elsewhere– not that he tried hiding it anyways.

I hate myself more for staying with him for as long as I did, I should have ended it at least six months in, but I didn’t because Finn was coming, but there has always been a part of me that wished I never told Dex I was pregnant and just left. But at that time I wasn’t me, not anymore, and Dex had already begun to break me.

I had no memory of who or what the old me was like before Dex, but without Dex I would never have had Finn and he’s the one thing I’d never want to change from my life; regardless of who his father is.

The sound of
David Guetta’s Titanium
filled the room, jerking me back. Leaning forward I grabbed my cell off the table.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey babe,” Lukas’ deep rough voice sounded through the phone.

I loved when he called me Peach or Peaches but babe was a whole other feeling.

“Hey.” I couldn’t stop the smile from playing across my lips.

“Just calling to check in and see that you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. Finn’s asleep and Mollie went out to see–”

“You’re alone?” He cut me off.

“Well, at the moment I am but–”

“Excuse me?” He again cut me off.

I sighed annoyed, “If you would let me finish a damn sentence you would know what I was going to say.” I paused and when he didn’t say anything I continued. “I’m having some wine and the TV is keeping me company before I call it a night.”

“Wine?”

“Yeah wine, you know it comes in red or white and you put in a pretty glass then drink it,” I said sarcastically.

“Lex.” I could hear his jaw was clenched, not liking my tone.

I sighed heavily. “Sorry, don’t worry about me. Mollie went to meet Erik and the doors are locked up tight.” I reached for my glass taking a sip. “Everything is fine.”

The line was silent, he didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if he was still on the line or if I had lost him for some reason.

“Lukas? You still there?” I ask tentatively.

“Why’s Mollie out with Erik?” he asked catching me off guard.

Shit.

I sat back on the couch, wine glass still in hand. “Because I kinda set them up.”

I heard him breathe deeply, “Why?” He didn’t sound the least bit thrilled.

Because unlike what everyone thinks about him, I think he’s a nice guy and Mollie deserves a nice guy and if it got everyone off my back about him liking me then so be it.

Two birds with one stone.

I rolled my eyes, “She’s... lonely and she’s done so much for me, I felt like her and Erik would hit it off so I talked to her about it and then him, both were eager. Erik more hesitant, though I think it’s because he just got out of a long relationship and his girlfriend cheated on him. But he agreed and so they’re meeting tonight.” I smiled to myself for a match well made.

That’s what I was hoping for anyways.

“Interesting,” he said sounding distracted.

“Lukas–”

“Try not to drink too much tonight, okay?” He said catching me off guard.

“I’m sorry?” I said taken back.

“Try and keep it to a minimum tonight Lex,” he said and I could hear the smirk in his voice.

My eyes narrowed and I felt my irritation boil, “Are you really telling me how much to drink?”

“Yeah.”

Yeah. Just like that, just that bluntly.

“You can’t tell me how much to drink Lukas; if I want to drink a full bottle of wine, I’m going to drink a full bottle of wine,” I snapped. “And if I wanna drink two bottles of wine, then I will drink two bottles of wine!”

No I wouldn’t, because I only had the one but he didn’t need to know that.

He spoke in a low rumble. “Babe, I’ll tell you why I don’t want you to drink much. When I’m done here, I’m coming to you, and what I said tonight I meant it,
every
word.” He paused as I anticipated what he was going to say next. “So when I say I don’t want you loaded, it’s because when I have you tonight, I want you completely open and in the moment with me, nothing else between us.”

I swallowed hard as the image flashed in my head, a light throbbing started between my legs.

“Babe?”

“I’m here,” I whispered softly.

“I have to go. I don’t know when I’ll be over, hopefully not to late but make sure you’re locked up tight okay?”

“I will.”

“All right. And Lex?” he called before we hung up.

“Yeah, Lukas?” I said softly.

“Know that, if you’re not ready, then neither am I.”

My heart skipped a beat and my stomach clenched.

One minute he’s completely demanding and irritating then he throws a fast ball and says something sweet, like that.

“Liar. Tonight showed you don’t mean that. But thank you for saying that,” I said, smiling.

“Lex, tonight, as well as every night since I laid eyes on you just goes to show a few things. One, I want you but if I have to wait then that’s exactly what I’ll do– I’ll wait. Two, you’re absolutely beautiful and downright sexy, and the thought of you makes me crazy. Three, I’ve only known you for a short amount of time but I already know just how incredibly strong of a women you are, and there’s something between us. You can deny it all you want but I’m going to prove to you its worth going for. And again if I have to wait for you to see that, then I will.”

I swear my heart stopped.

Oh. My. God

Butterflies flopped around in my stomach.

Tears started to cloud my eyes. No one, in my whole life, had ever said anything that beautiful to me. Nothing remotely close compared to what he just told me.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “Lukas–” whispered but he talked over me.

“Peaches, I gotta go. I’ll see you soon.” And then he was gone and I heard nothing but dead air.

Phone still in my hand, I sat there looking into empty space before I shook it off and turned my attention back to the television.

Maybe my decision earlier wasn’t such a good idea anymore.

What if Lukas really did want more than just sex?

And, what if he really did want it with me?

‘You really think he wants something more than a fuck from someone as pathetic as you? As soon as someone better comes along, and believe me someone will, he’ll toss you aside like the joke you are without a second glance.’
Dex’s voice filled my head, loud and clear as if he was sitting right next to me.
‘Believe me baby, no one wants you or will ever want you... no one but me.’
I shook the voice from my head, just like I had always done, but the words were etched in deep.

I knew he was right.

Grabbing my glass I refilled it with more wine, filling it right to the top, emptying the bottle. I flipped through the channels for a bit until I grabbed my cell and scrolled through finding the number I needed and hit send.

“My girl, what are you doing calling when you’re supposed to be out with Luke.” Teri’s non - greeting greeted me.

“I was, but he had to cancel because he got called into work on a case he’s working on,” I told her, pulling my legs up under me.

“Life of a hot cop I guess,” she chuckled.

“Yeah pretty much... he said he was coming back over later.” I paused, unsure whether to go on. “We kinda had a... hot, intense moment when he stopped by.”

“When you say hot and intense, just how hot and intense do you mean?” she enquired

“So much so if Mollie and Finn hadn’t been upstairs he would have taken me against the wall, with my dress around my waist and I wouldn’t have stopped him.”

Teri’s laugh echoed through the phone. “So much for there being nothing between you two, hey baby.”

“Yeah, I don’t know.” I said sitting back with my glass of wine.

Her laughing stopped. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t… It’s hard to explain, without getting into it,” I told her vaguely, as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth.

“Explain what you can, what you feel comfortable with,” she urged.

Do I go there and tell her? Or keep it where it’s been for so long with only Mollie knowing. I mulled it over in my head before answering.

“The last guy I was with, Finn’s dad, wasn’t the greatest guy. Dex was a real piece of work, and I mean it when I say it. He completely...” I paused looking for the right word, “tainted me with his words, so much so I can still hear him sometimes.” I didn’t want to get into details about him, just enough to get some kind of advice.

“I can only imagine what he said, but baby... you need to know whatever he said to you to make you feel the way you do and think like you do, is wrong. But I also know having someone tell you that doesn’t help matters, the only person who can finally get rid of those, is you.” She paused. “When it comes to Lukas... I don’t know what you’re thinking but I have an idea so just know, he’s a good man, nothing of what you said about your ex comes close to who Lukas is. Just know that, okay, and go from there, nothing to prove.” Teri’s voice was soft and comforting, like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold night.

“He said... I was beautiful,” I said just above a whisper. “
Absolutely
beautiful actually.”

“He’s right, but why do you seem surprised by that?” she asked and I could hear the confusion in her voice.

“No one’s ever said that to me. I mean no one other than Mollie but, she’s my best friend. Not even Dex said that to me and I was with him for almost five years. He’d talk about banging girls who he’d point out was beautiful and bang worthy in front of me. I’ve never been told I was beautiful by anyone like Lukas.” I felt shy, feeling stupid that Lukas calling me beautiful hit me as hard as it did.

“He didn’t just taint you baby, he broke you,” Teri said softly.

“Yeah,” I confirmed and tossed back the rest of my wine.

“You’ll get back what he took; might not be the same thing but it will be close. Sometimes it just happens when you wake up, and you feel bulletproof like nothing can hurt you and sometimes it takes someone else to make you feel it,” she said warmly.