Unbeautifully Loved (Breathe Again) (32 page)

Who the hell does he think he is?

My anger rose and I began to lose myself, “I don’t have to explain anything to you,
we
aren’t together!” I snapped.

“Oh lay off it Lex, you know that’s horse shit!” His snapped back. “I don’t believe you actually think that for a second. Remember babe there’s two of us, I know how I make you feel– I can feel it, I can see it, so don’t try to convince me of something you yourself doesn’t believe.”

My jaw clenched as I looked at him, “Lukas, just move out of the way so I can go.”

“I already told you babe, not until you tell me about Dex and what happened back in Kingston.” He put his beer on the table then proceeded to cross his arms over his chest.

One would find it intimidating, having someone like Lukas standing in front of you, almost towering over you looking so fierce; like nothing could touch him. But to me it wasn’t intimidating, not anymore; to me it was just who Lukas Gunn was.

“Wait… hold on a sec.” I took a step back, my hand out in front of me, “how did you know about Kingston? I know I never told you.”

He gave me a pointed look, “I’m a cop, and I’ve got resources.”

Son of a bitch.

“You son of a bitch,” I whispered harshly, “You looked into me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.” he said like it was nothing.

“Yeah, that’s all you have to say?”

“Yeah, it is. Fuck Lexie, what did you expect me to do? Sit around waiting for you to tell me? I knew something was up from the moment I looked into your eyes. Just didn’t know what, figured you’d tell me,” he paused running his hand over his face. “But you didn’t, so I did a little looking around.”

I was done listening to him. I needed out of his house and out of Camden, away from him before it was too late. He reached down for his beer, taking his eyes off me and I moved. I took three steps before Lukas was in front of me, his hands holding steady on my shoulders.

“Let go of me Lukas,” I said through clenched teeth, trying to shrug him away.

“You need to cut the shit and let me in, let me help you,” he said, his voice rough, unwavering as his hands held me tighter, his blazing eyes dead set on mine.

“There’s nothing to talk about and I don’t need your help, so just back off and let me go,” I said angrily pushing him away and taking a step back.

I watched his face soften and his eyes cool. “No, I can see it Peaches.” He stopped, his eyes roaming over my face, before connecting with mine, holding their gaze. “You’re close to breaking baby and if you think I’m gonna let you just walk out of here and not be there for you, then you ain’t got a fuckin’ clue. Fight me, push me away as much as you want, but I’m not going anywhere. I care about you too damn much.”

No, you really aren’t.

His words hit me like a tidal wave. I struggled out of his grip taking a few steps back, feeling like I was being suffocated or drowned.

A humorless laugh rocked my body.

There was no way out of this without telling him, and telling him
everything
. I saw Lukas move forward and I raised my hand to stop him, knowing if he came near me and so much as touched me again, the tears would fall and I didn’t know if they’d ever stop.

“Lexie–”

I raised my hand again to stop him, shaking my head back and forth. My laugh faded as I turned away from him and walked over and stood in front of his window. I crossed my arms over my chest hugging myself tightly feeling Lukas’ eyes on me, waiting.

Here goes nothing.

“I met Dex when I was twenty, he was twenty three, good looking and completely out of my league. I never thought someone like
me
could catch the attention of someone like
him
, but I did.” I whispered the latter, pausing as the memories began cycling through my head, a smile pulling at my lips. “Mollie hated him; from the minute she met him she hated him and I never understood why. She told me over and over
and over
again that Dex was a bad guy, that something about him didn’t feel right and I should end it... but I didn’t listen to her. I told her she was crazy, that Dex was a nice guy and to trust me and to just try.”

I watched the tree in Lukas’s front yard sway back and forth like music was playing somewhere and it moved to the rhythm; freely. I could see Lukas’ reflection in the window still standing behind me; waiting for me to continue.

“I loved him, I mean I think I did. Some days I think I was just in love with the idea of being in love and possibly spending the rest of my life with him. But then his drug problem came to light and I still didn’t end things, I thought it was just something he’d eventually stop doing on his own, that being with me would help him stop.” I chuckled softly, the thought now sounding absurd.

“Lex–”

“I didn’t even notice the changes in how he treated me. I let him walk all over me, put down after put down, listening to him talk about other girls and how he wouldn’t mind fucking them cause I was nothing compared to them because at least they’d be something in bed; unlike me.” I paused taking a deep breath, “You know, I can still hear him in my head sometimes, laughing and telling me how pathetic I am, how I’ll always be nothing; never good enough for anyone– only him. I never did get that you know, how he thought. He never wanted me yet he wouldn’t let me go... but I believed him and wouldn’t let him go either.”

“You’re not–”

“I never had a boyfriend before Dex, so the whole dating and boyfriend thing was new to me, I didn’t know anything. I’d never been close or around someone in a relationship. Mollie social dated a lot back then so I thought what Dex and I had was...”

“Normal,” Lukas cut in softly.

“Yeah, normal,” I agreed not looking at him. “I thought it was my own fault, being treated that way. I thought maybe if I changed then things would get better and go back to how they were. So I tried. New clothes, did whatever he wanted in bed, and I thought it worked cause he was back to being Dex. He told me he loved me, that there was no one else for him but me and that what we had was forever. And I was stupid enough to believe him.”

I watched Lukas take a step forward and I took one away from him. “We were together for almost a year, a year of hell; a year of the biggest emotional roller coaster I thought I’d ever live through. Then… then I found out I was pregnant. When I told him he freaked, accusing me of planning it and telling me I was just another slut trying to trap a guy into staying and that was the first time he hit me.”

I wrapped my arms tighter around my body, wishing I hadn’t taken my sweater off earlier as a chill blew through my body. As if he could read my thoughts, Lukas was behind me wrapping a blanket around my shoulders then stepped back, taking a seat on the couch as I pulled the blanket tightly around me.

“After that, I was all set to end it with him and just walk away, something that should have happened nine months earlier when things first changed. I told my parents thinking they’d help me and let me live at home with the baby until I got on my feet but they turned their backs on me saying unless I took care of it I couldn’t stay, but I couldn’t do it. I thought about it but just couldn’t. So instead of going to my best friend, I walked right back to Dex’s open and welcoming arms; granted he was high as a kite and had no memory of hitting me but I foolishly moved in with him. It’s funny, cause I actually thought being pregnant would maybe help our relationship, bring us closer together but it didn’t, nothing changed.”

If anything it got worse. Way,
way
worse.

“Regardless of the situation with Dex, the day Finley, Finn, was born was... the greatest day of my life. I promised then I’d do anything to keep him safe, and from becoming anything like his father. But Dex was never around, even through my pregnancy. He made an ‘appearance’ for his birth but Finn really had no idea who he was when he was around, it was usually just the two of us unless Mollie was around, which she usually was because Dex hated me leaving the house with Finn. I don’t know why, he probably thought I was gonna take Finn and leave.”

He was right, I thought about it a few times back then. I just could never bring myself to actually do it.

Taking a deep breath I turned so I was facing Lukas, needing to see him before I went on. He sat on the couch facing me, his face hard yet unreadable. He was leaning forward, his arms draped over his legs and his hands clasped tightly together while his eyes were glued to me. I could tell he was having difficulties staying still.

Looking at him, I went on. “But I was never one to listen well and one day I took Finn to the park just down from our place. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I think it had been a long night with little sleep but I lost track of time and we got home late. Dex was home and he was fuming,
so angry
, until then I hadn’t seen him like that ever and I knew I was in shit. I could tell he was hurting, not having a hit of whatever he was on but he waited, then later when Finn was asleep he let go, backhanded me so hard I flew into a wall and saw nothing but stars and I swore I was going to see them for weeks. Took everything to keep Mollie from running him over with her car but after that night Finn and I never left the house.” I blinked back the tears as I tried swallowing the baseball sized lump in my throat.

“I didn’t know what Dex was into, drugs, booze, other girls– I honestly had no idea. Finn was a few weeks shy of turning two, Dex came home completely fucked out of his mind, reeking of booze and in one of his moods. By this point I didn’t really know what he did all day, when it came to work all I knew was that he worked for some phone company but I began to think that wasn’t exactly true.” I wanted to look away from Lukas but I couldn’t, it was like he had me mesmerized.

“Finn was asleep when he got home, he started tossing shit all over the place in an intoxicated rage, scaring the hell out of me, yelling at me for things I had no idea what he meant, telling me how he told me Finn and I weren’t allowed to leave the house, that we were to be there at all times, that he didn’t trust me ‘cause I’d take Finn and leave him. I had no idea where it came from other then the drugs. I tried to calm him down, telling him that we never left the house and that he needed to calm down, I didn’t get the sentence out before his fist connected with my jaw.” I watched Lukas’ jaw clench tightly as his face turned to stone. “Mollie tried to get me to leave, begged me to get Finn and stay with her and her family but I couldn’t do it, I was terrified to do anything, even thinking about it scared me, afraid he’d know the thought crossed my mind.”

Lukas’ eyes were heated, like melted silver and full of malice. “A few days later Mollie came over. Dex had joined up with one of the big dealers in Kingston, had his own crew and was working on making his way to the top. This big boss was expanding his ‘business’ and needed someone to help look after things and Dex wanted to be that guy. That night I did the stupidest thing I think I had ever done, other than staying with Dex. When he got home, I was angry and not thinking right and I confronted him, calling him out on everything....” I trailed off.

“Shit,” Lukas grumbled and I knew he was thinking I was as stupid as I thought I was. “What’d he do?”

“He almost killed me. Shoved me into a wall with his hands wrapped around my neck, every second that passed his grasp became tighter. It didn’t take long before everything was buzzing and turning hazy. He said something but I have no idea what, then he released me and walked out.” I swiped the tears that had fallen off my cheek as I turned my head breaking the connection with Lukas.

The room electrified with anger radiating from Lukas; I could see his taut body on the couch, his hands balled in fists so tight his knuckles were white as paper. He didn’t look my way but straight ahead, his jaw clenched tight.

“Maybe I should stop–”

“No, finish,” He growled.

I was afraid to continue but I knew once I did I could finally leave.

“Things with Dex continued on that way after that night. But if I’m being honest, I’m almost thankful it was that and not... sexual.” Lukas’ head whipped in my direction and I read the question in his eyes. I shook my head answering his unasked question. “Dex and I hadn’t been intimate since a couple months after Finn was born. It may sound ludicrous but I would rather take the abuse a thousand times over than have to crawl into bed with him every night.”

I inhaled a shaky breath, my eyes finding Lukas. “It was a few days before Halloween of last year, when I decided I had no other choice but to get me and Finn out of Kingston. Dex had come home sometime after eleven and I was in the bedroom folding a basket of laundry. I heard the front door crash open then slam and I just knew, something told me this was it but I didn’t have time to react when he came up behind me and grabbed me by the hair then threw me to the floor. He was
so
outraged, yelling at me how it was time to learn my lesson and that maybe I would listen to what he says about not leaving the house. Somehow he found out Finn and I had left the house earlier in the afternoon to get laundry soap.”

The lump in my throat grew. “I remember, he was wearing these boots, these really heavy boots and in one swift kick he knocked the wind out of me and cracked two ribs. He grabbed me, pulled me up and threw me down on the bed, his hands moving, coming to my throat and they just hovered there and I waited, trying to catch my breath all the while thinking I couldn’t leave Finn with him, and have him become like him; not my baby.” I hastily brushed the tears off my cheeks, clearing my throat.