Waiting on the Sidelines (24 page)

Swearing to myself as I rounded the front of the car, I threw my side open and slid in forcefully, slamming it shut again. I started the car and peeled out a little as I backed up. I had no idea how I did that.

Reed looked out the window most of the way to his house. His playful demeanor was now more quiet, deep in thought. When I pulled up into his driveway, he turned towards me one more time. “Promise you’re not mad at me?” he asked like a kid who broke their parents’ lamp.

I may have told a lot of lies tonight, but I still couldn’t lie to him. “No, Reed. I can’t promise that. But we can talk about that tomorrow,” I said, getting out of the car and coming over to his side.

Getting him into his house and up his stairs was a feat in and of itself. I think I blanked out on the last few minutes because suddenly we were in his room with the lights off and he was flat on his bed. I pulled his shoes off and jerked the shirt out from under him that had been tucked in his pants. It was one of my favorites. A dark red and blue plaid button down from Abercrombie. Under different circumstances, I would probably find a way to take it home and sleep with it so I could take in his smell while I slept. But tonight it smelled of alcohol. In fact his entire room did.

His breathing was heavy, so I was pretty sure he was passed out. I fluffed a pillow and slid it under his head. It was pretty dark, but I was fairly sure his eyes were shut. I waved my hand in front of his face a few times to make sure. To be perfectly honest, I may have given him the finger once or twice, too, in my own amusement. I went into his bathroom to splash some water on my face, cracking the door just a little so the light didn’t disturb him. When I was done, I sat back on the edge of the tub and let out a heavy sigh.

I turned the light off and came back into his room. I checked on him one final time, looking closely at his face. His face looked flushed in the moonlight that was streaming through his window. I put my hand on his head gently and he felt a little warm. I snuck back into the bathroom keeping everything dark to get a wet wash cloth when I heard him speak.

“Nolan?” he asked softly. I couldn’t tell if he was dreaming and talking in his sleep or not. I stood still at the sink and waited a few seconds. He didn’t say another word so I came back into his room and carefully put the cloth on his head, pressing it a few times before removing it to cool him off. I left it on his night stand in case he needed it later and then carefully made my way to his door, my footsteps quiet.

“Are you still here?” he asked again. I froze and waited. “Nolan?” he was really talking. This wasn’t a dream.

“Yeah, I’m here,” I sighed and leaned into the frame of his door. His eyes were closed, but his face looked pained. I walked back to him to get a little closer so I could see his face. I picked up the cloth again and put it on his head. He reached his hand up and put it on mine. His eyes still closed.

“I love you,” he said simply. “I fucked up. But I love you.”

There was no way I was going to be able to drive anytime soon. I felt like Dorothy flying through the tornado to Oz. Everything was spinning, and I couldn’t get a full breath. I sat down on his bed and just stared at him, his breathing heavier now. He was fully asleep moments after dropping that bomb on me.

It was the earliest hours of the morning, and my friends were sprinkled around town, none of them able to talk me through this. I had to do this on my own.
Reed said he loves me, I thought, over and over.
Arguing with myself, I would one minute have myself set on chalking it up to his drunken state. But my heart was fighting against all other reasoning. The scariest part was I so badly wanted it to be true. And I wanted him to say it to me again in the morning.

I must have spent an hour sitting bedside with Reed, listening to the light rhythm of his breathing and watching his chest rise and fall. I found myself checking his forehead a few more times until I felt like his fever was reduced. It was 2 a.m. by the time I was able to get my feet working enough to tackle his stairs. I stopped in his kitchen for a glass of water and was washing it at the sink when I heard the sound of his front door opening. The lights went on and I didn’t know what to do. I was sure it was Buck, but I didn’t want to scare him.

“Hello?” I said, loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough to frighten him.

“Hey, who’s that here?” I heard him say back.

“It’s me, Buck. Just Nolan. I gave Reed a ride home. I was just leaving,” I said as I rounded the corner, but then stopped suddenly as Buck was bent over, his bags dropped haphazardly on the ground and his tie pulled out from his neck. He was breathing hard and reaching to clutch at the side table where he set his keys and without warning he fell to his knees and then rolled to his back.

“Oh my god, Buck,” I screamed, rushing over to him. I pulled his tie out completely and started to unbutton the top of his shirt, his body was covered in sweat and his face was red. He started to grip at his chest and I knew.

“I’m calling 911, now!” I shouted rushing to the phone in the kitchen to make sure they had an address to go by.

The operator answered right away. “Hi, I’m at 77104 E. Outlaw and someone is having a heart attack,” I rushed back to Buck’s side. He was still clutching at his chest. I continued to pull at his buttons with my free hand.

“Ma’am, stay on the phone with me. Help is on the way,” the other end of the phone was calming me. I was operating on adrenaline now.

“He’s having trouble breathing. He keeps clutching his chest, please hurry,” I trembled.

“OK, ma’am. I need you to check his breathing. Put your ear near his mouth,” she said.

“OK, hold on,” I set the phone on the floor and put my ear to Buck’s lips. I could hear air, but he was gasping from pain. “He’s breathing. He’s breathing. But he is in a lot of pain.”

“Do you have Aspirin at home?” she asked. I didn’t know. And the only other person who would was dead to the world upstairs.

“I don’t know. I’m checking,” I said, taking the phone with me and rummaging through the cabinets in the kitchen. I finally found one with medicine and I crawled up on the counter to get a good look. I tossed a few bottles out of my way and found a yellow bottle with Aspirin. I ripped the top off and got back to Buck.

“I have it, I have it,” I said.

“OK, you need to try to get him to chew one. Do you think he can do that?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I’m trying, hold on,” I put the phone down. I leaned down to rest my hand under Buck’s head. I lifted him a little and forced his eyes to meet mine. “Buck, help is coming. I need you to try to be calm. I know it’s hard. You need to eat this.”

I put the pill at his lips and felt him try to open his mouth, so I pushed it in. He was chewing sporadically. I picked the phone back up and continued to sit on the ground with his head in my lap. “He’s chewing. Are they almost here?” I was desperate.

“Someone should be close now. Can you see anyone out the door?” she asked.

I set Buck’s head on his coat and went to the door. “Yes, I see them. Thank you so much, oh God, thank you!” I rushed out to meet the fire truck and ambulance at the top of the driveway.

Watching them work on Buck was like a blur. I saw them place him on a board and get him to a stretcher and into the ambulance, hooking him up to monitors and putting an IV in his arm. In a rush, they were gone. I remembered that the ambulance driver yelled “Southeast Mercy.”

Hospital. Hospital. I had to get to the hospital. I was flailing to find my keys when it dawned on me that Reed was upstairs. I knew he couldn’t get to his feet. I doubted I could fully wake him up, but I had to try.

I rushed up the stairs and flung his door open. He was snoring, completely asleep. I pet his head a little and spoke softly but firmly. “Reed, Reed. It’s Nolan. I need you to wake up. Just for a minute,” I said.

He grumbled and tried to roll over, but I grabbed his arm and kept him near me. I lifted his arm to mine and forced myself to sit up with all my strength.
I was definitely full of adrenaline, I thought.
“Come on, buddy. Work with me, get to your feet. Just for a minute.”

He scrunched his brow, keeping his eyes shut tight. He let me get him to a sitting position before he started making whining sounds again. “Just one more minute, Reed. I promise.”

I slowly got us down stairs, though I had no idea what condition Reed’s ankles would be in. He fell a bit and I just let his weight slide him down. It was the only way I would get him there. We made it out front to my car and I moved him into the back seat where he laid down upon contact. I pushed his legs up, bending them so I could close the door.

Rushing back to the house, I grabbed my jacket, purse and shut the front door behind me. I had to get my head on. I managed to find my way to Mercy and decided to just let Reed sleep it off in my car while I went in. The nurses station wasn’t staffed, so I looked around a few stray halls finally finding someone at a coffee room. “Hi, uhm. I need to check on someone. He was just brought in,” I was shaking now.

The nurse sensed my fear and came out to help me right away. “Are you family, miss?” I just nodded. I needed to know, so I thought I could pretend to be his daughter if I needed to.

“Buck Johnson, he just came in with a heart attack,” I blurted all the words out at once.

“OK, let me check,” she patted my hand and went to her computer. I stood there, my foot bouncing up and down with anxiety.

“Yes, he’s here. They are working on him right now. I’ll make sure someone comes out to update you as soon as they can. Why don’t you sit in our family room?” she gestured to a more private waiting area with comfortable chairs. I just nodded and slowly slid my feet to the seats. By the time my rear hit the cushions I was in full-on tears. I just leaned my head in my hands and let it out. I cried for a solid 15 minutes, my face red and the snot stringing from my nose. I got up to grab a tissue or two and came back to my seat to look for my phone.

It was 3 a.m. now and I knew I couldn’t leave. I had to call my parents.
They would understand, I thought.

“Daddy?” I said softly when he answered on the first ring.

“Nolan?” he shot back. I could tell he was instantly worried.

“I’m ok, I’m ok. But I need you, daddy. It’s Reed’s dad. I’m at the hospital. He had a heart attack. Reed…wasn’t around. I had to help. I’m so sorry, but it was an emergency,” I gave him the edited version.

“OK, OK. We’ll be right there, sweetheart. Are you at Mercy?” I could hear my dad getting ready, the sink water flowing in the background.

“Yeah, I’m in emergency, in the family area,” I sniffled a little. “I’m scared, daddy.”

“We’re on our way,” he assured.

My parents had arrived within minutes. I hugged them both and my mom just let me cry in her lap until the sun started to come up. My parents took turns walking to the coffee center. The last trip, my dad came back with a muffin for me and I was nibbling on it.

I had explained that Reed was out with friends and I was checking on him because Sarah and I were worried and that was when I found Buck. My story didn’t make much sense, but I just didn’t want my parents to know the state Reed had been in lately.

I was sitting in the chair with my legs folded in front of me when I saw Reed stumble through the sliding doors. He looked terrible. He had managed to put the sweatshirt on that I had thrown in the back seat, but it was clear that he had no idea what was going on.

His eyes found mine and his eyebrows shot up. I leapt from my seat and ran over to him, grabbing his hands right away. He just stared down at our interlocked fingers and then back up at me, his mouth open. “Reed, listen to me. Your dad had a heart attack last night. They are performing surgery, but we should hear something very soon,” I stopped. I didn’t want to overwhelm him until I knew he understood what I’d said.

His face was white with shock and his eyes were starting to pool up. He was starting to shake his head no, and that’s when I just grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug. I felt his arms slowly wrap around me and his face push deep into the hair at my neck. His body started to quiver a little and I knew he was crying.

Rubbing his back, I just kept whispering in his ear. “He’s going to be ok, Reed. I called 911. They came in time. He’s going to be ok.”

I heard my dad’s voice behind me. “Reed, son. Come sit with us. We should hear something soon.”

I held his hand tightly and led him back to our seating area. Instead of the chairs, I put us next to each other on the small sofa and put my arm around him, letting him lean on me while I rubbed his shoulder to distract him. And we waited together, silent, our hands glued together, for the next hour.

Buck had made it through emergency bypass surgery and my parents went home later that morning. I stayed with Reed, waiting for us to be able to go in to see his dad. My parents said they’d come back to check on me in a few hours.

Alone, we sat in the waiting room just listening to each other breathe. I felt the heaviness around us. And I knew all the words Reed wanted to say. Part of me wanted to drag them out of him, but instead I waited.

When the nurse called us back, I held Reed’s hand tightly and walked with him down the hall. When we made it to Buck’s room, I heard his breath hitch a little. He was still sleeping from the anesthesia, but the nurse assured us he would wake up soon, though it would be slow. And he wouldn’t be coherent right away.

Reed slid a chair over next to his dad and then reached to hold his hand. I sat at a chair at the end of the bed and just watched. He reached up and brushed a hair from his dad’s forehead, putting it in place. He was so tender, so quiet. He just sat like this for about 30 minutes, watching his father breathe. His eyes tearing every so often, and he would wipe them with the sleeves of the sweatshirt.

Exhaustion was starting to hit me, as was the desperate need for a shower. I checked my phone and saw a text from Tyler. I closed it.
I would deal with that later, I thought.
I decided I would go home to freshen up, maybe get a little sleep and come back to check on Reed later in the afternoon. When I stood up, he turned to face me. No words, but just a question on his face. I wanted to stay, but he also needed this time with his dad. And I was so tired.

“I’ll be back. I’m just so tired, Reed. I have to get home. I’ll come back with Sean later so we can bring your Jeep, ok?” I said, squeezing his shoulder a little as I walked by. He reached up and grabbed my hand to give it a squeeze, then turned back to look at his father.

The hallways of the hospital seemed so different during the day. So full of people. I pushed the elevator button and leaned against the wall to wait for it.

“Nolan!” I heard Reed call my name, jostling me aware. He was jogging towards me and when he reached me, he just grabbed my hand and kissed it, holding it tight to his lips, and then pressed it against his cheek, closing his eyes.

“Thank you,” he whispered, opening his eyes to meet mine. “Nolan, thank you so much,” he reached for me and pulled me into a tight hug. I was swallowed by his giant frame and his long arms. This was the only place I ever wanted to be, but never because of circumstances like this.

Then he kissed my forehead, holding his lips there just as he had my hand. He pressed his cheek to me and took a deep breath. “You saved his life, Nolan. You saved my dad,” he stuttered. I could hear the emotion cracking in his voice.

My elevator opened and I pulled away stepping in, my eyes just held his gaze. “I’ll be back. I promise,” I said as they closed.

I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was late afternoon when I awoke. I rolled to my side and reached for my phone and checked for texts. I had sent one to Sean before leaving the hospital and he responded, asking me to call him when I wanted to go back. There was also another text from Tyler, asking if I was ok.

Yeah, sorry. A bit of a crazy morning. Reed’s dad had a heart attack. It sort of affected us all. Call you later?

I left it simple. He knew Buck was a loved man.

I called Sean next and told him I’d pick him up to take him to Reed’s in about 20 minutes. I jumped in the shower and soaked up the warmth. It was like I was washing away a nightmare. I kept picturing Buck gasping for air, and laying on the floor.

My parents had just gotten back from a quick visit and told me that Buck was awake now and talking. They said he was looking forward to seeing me and wanted to thank me, which made me a little uncomfortable. I didn’t think I did anything different than what anyone else would have done.

After getting Sean, we drove to Reed’s and went inside for the keys to his Jeep and a change of clothes. While the smell of alcohol had worn off of him, he still looked disheveled this morning at the hospital and was in need of a fresh shirt. I smiled a little when I opened his boxer drawer and pulled out a pair to put in a backpack I found under his bed. I put in socks and a new pair of jeans and one of my favorite gray T-shirts.

Sean followed me to the hospital. Reed was getting a drink at the coffee station when we walked in, and he smiled as soon as he saw us. He pulled Sean into a tight hug right away. “Thanks so much for coming, buddy,” he said, patting his back hard to toughen up the embrace.

He came over to me and put his arm around me and started to walk us back to Buck’s room. “He’s been asking for you all day,” Reed said.

I smiled a little. I was anxious to see Buck in good condition. As soon as we got through the door I heard his voice, gravelly but comforting like butter. “There she is. That’s my angel. Come on over here, darlin’,” he charmed. I slowly made my way to his bedside and grabbed his hand. He patted the side of the bed. “Sit down. I don’t bite.”

I kept his hand in mine and just looked him over. A little uncomfortable from the silence, I broke it with my usual humor. “A lot of fuss just to get a room with a view, don’t you think Buck,” I winked. He laughed and coughed a little. I reached for his water and handed it to him.

When I looked at Reed, he had a look of wonder on his face as he watched me and his father. He just smiled, his dimple creeping up as he slid his mouth sideways just a bit. Remembering the bag I packed, I looked to Sean. “Hey, I left the bag in my car. You mind getting it for him,” I said, nodding at Reed, who looked puzzled. “I packed you some fresh clothes. It’s been a long night.”

He sighed with relief; he seemed grateful. “I’ll go with you, man. Fresh air sounds nice. Be right back, OK pops?”

“Off with you two, I’ve got Nolan. She’s better than you both,” he joked, laughing softly since his chest was still so tender.

When the boys left the room, Buck pulled my hand to his chest and squeezed it with both hands. I just stared at him, so happy to see him ok. My eyes starting to tear up a little, he just hushed me. “Oh, shhhhh, girlie. I’m ok,” he smiled. “Thanks to you, by the way.”

“Nolan, sweetheart, I owe you my life,” he continued. “Reed is shocked at everything you did. I gave him the play-by-play this morning. You are very brave, you know that?”

I just looked down, sniffling a little. “I guess so. At least, when it counts,” I smirked.

“Now, none of that,” he said, lifting my chin. “You’re brave. All the time. It’s in you. And I’m glad that Reed has you…as a friend.”

I just held his gaze and smiled. I knew Buck knew more than he said. He was very perceptive.
And very wise, I was starting to think.

“Now, tell me about this Tyler fellow,” he put on his fatherly, serious face.

I just shrugged. “Not much to tell,” I scrunched my eyes, guiltily.

“Well, just make sure you’re honest with yourself, girl, ok?” he said, patting my hands a little. “Be honest with that heart of yours. It’s the important stuff.”

We stopped talking when Reed and Sean walked back in again, but as I got up to stand by the door, Buck gave me a wink.
Yes, wise indeed.

Buck was in the hospital recovering for nearly a week. I had finally called Tyler back after our visit. He was very compassionate and offered to come visit with me or just come to my house to take my mind off things. I told him I would be OK and we made plans to see each other the next weekend. He had a diving meet and I was going to watch.

Reed played the season opening game and was amazing. He dedicated it to his father and the entire team wore patches with Buck’s old number in honor of him.
The booster moms were working overtime, I thought.

 I hadn’t really talked to Reed much since the last visit I made to the hospital. He seemed to be a little more focused. He had avoided the desert party after the game, and Sean said he wasn’t drinking, which was good, I thought.

We made eye contact and exchanged pleasant nods and smiles in our literature class, but he still walked right to his seat on the other side of the room. If I hadn’t locked it away so solidly in my memory, I would start to doubt if Reed had ever told me he loved me. But I knew he did. But I also knew he smelled like a pint of Jack Daniels then, too.

I was talking to Sienna at our locker when my eyes shifted to follow Reed as he walked by, his arm around a sophomore I didn’t recognize. I don’t know why it surprised me so, because it was the way he had been acting the weeks before Buck’s heart attack. But my gut felt a stabbing pain when I coupled the vision of him with someone else along with the drunken words he had uttered.

“Nolan, earth to Nolan,” Sienna was snapping in my ear.

“Huh? Oh, sorry. I got lost in him again, didn’t I?” I shrugged.

“What’s new,” she rolled her eyes. We started walking to our last class together.

“I just don’t get it, you know?” I needed Dr. Sienna therapy, and I needed it now. “Why does he say one thing and do another?”

She stopped and turned me to face her. “Nolan, you’re my best friend. But you can be such an idiot,” she stunned me a bit.

“OK? Go on,” I said, shaking my head.

“At least he gives you words, Nolan. You don’t say anything. Or you say things to me, but never to him. What are you doing with Tyler? Reed’s just trying to give you permission to be happy. You can’t blame him for that,” she shrugged and started to walk again.

My friend was so smart.
That’s two wise people I know, I thought.

I had almost talked myself into having a real heart-to-heart with Reed when I walked out to the parking lot at the end of the day and saw him making out with the sophomore at his Jeep. He was leaning her up against it, his arms trapping her. I averted my eyes quickly and just made for the gym for volleyball practice. I had missed a few days when I was at the hospital with Buck, but my coach was good about it. I was a captain this year, and really liked that some of the younger girls looked up to me.

The workout and practice was a hard one, but it was welcomed. It was a nice distraction from seeing Reed locking lips with yet another girl. I heard the whistles from the football field when I left the gym, and paused a bit to watch Reed throwing passes from afar. My feelings aside, he was amazing to watch. So poised, so in control.
So confident, I thought.

I pulled my phone out to read another text from Tyler, firming up our plans for the weekend. I told him I’d see him at his meet and just wait for him after so we could go out. I had to get my head back on right, and maybe seeing Tyler was just what I needed.

As the weeks passed, I saw Tyler more and more. I went to a few of his meets, all of which he won. It was amazing to me the level of athleticism he had, yet only a few people watched him dive from platforms while thousands drove hundreds of miles to watch Reed throw a ball.

Tyler and I spent a few evenings at his house, our make-out sessions getting a little bit more intense. And I was growing more comfortable with my body and sharing it with him. It was early October, and the air was starting to chill at night, so we would sit out on his parents’ patio by a large fire pit they had built-in next to the pool. This was the first time he had managed to completely remove my shirt and bra.

When I drove out to meet him, I had planned for this to happen, wanted it even. But driving home after our date, I felt a little empty about it. Almost a bit used. I didn’t have anything to compare it to, so I wondered if it was just my nerves making me doubt it. There was also the lingering guilt I felt for Reed. It wasn’t that he was giving me any new signs that he was interested, but I constantly replayed his confession that he loved me in my head. Frankly, it was starting to make me feel numb on some level. I think that’s why I was being so forward and sexual with Tyler. It was like I was trying to force myself to feel sparks when I was with him.

Homecoming at Coolidge High was coming up soon. I had purchased a special ticket for the dance, which was always held on the Saturday after the game. I got a pass to bring Tyler with me, but Friday night after the game was a special student lock-in at the school, and only students were allowed to attend. I was going to skip it, but Becky, Sarah and Sienna worked on me for days until I finally gave in. We were all on the planning committee for special events, so at least I had a say in the various activities we scheduled for the all-nighter.

Since Tyler wasn’t able to come to the lock-in, I didn’t ask him to come to the game. I’m sure he would have, but part of me also wanted to spend one night on my own, with the girls. Sienna got to the field early for a special performance by the band. I picked up Sarah and we both met Becky there a little before the game. We walked up to the top of the stands so we could rest our backs on the solid wall along the press box.

Our team was heading back into the locker room; they would come back out for a special entrance, breaking through the stacked pyramids of cheerleaders holding the giant State Champions banner. The entire scene had a certain entertainment value to it, but we all loved it. I had grown up watching it. And now, now that the team was winning behind our hometown quarterback hero, the tradition made us all feel something extra. Pride, I think.