2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (21 page)

I can understand why so many kids are becoming composers. Nowadays if you have half a mind to write a hit song—that's all you need.

It's just amazing how young some of these rock singers are. I asked one for his autograph and he signed it in crayon.

It's just amazing how little spare time teenagers have—what with school, homework, baby-sitting, and explaining the names of rock groups to their parents.

Times have changed. In the forties, you shook hands with a singing star and you were so proud you didn't wash your hand for weeks. Now you shake with a singing star and
they
haven't washed their hands for weeks!

I went up to one rock group and I said, “You fellas really have good voices. You could be a great barbershop quartet!” They said, “What's that?” I said, “Quartet?” They said, “No. Barbershop.”

Russia is where freedom is everybody's job and you've never seen so many people unemployed!

Don't tell me what a great country Russia is until its people are allowed to leave. Freeing is believing!

There is no street crime in Russia. This is the only country where you only worry about getting mugged
after
you get to the police station.

Russia is a country of many religious convictions—
anywhere from five years to life.

Everybody is surprised at how quiet the Russian supersonic plane is. A reporter asked the Russians, “How do you keep the engines so quiet?” He said, “It's easy. Inspired engineering, meticulous workmanship, unbelievable technology, and we remind them they have relatives back at the factory!”

The big thing in Russia today is chain letters. That's right. You get a letter from the government and the next thing you know, you're in chains.

In Russia, it's not how you play the game—it's whether you win or lose. Two Russians were talking and it went something like this: “Did you hear about Krupnik? He died after losing the World Tiddlywink Championship.” “Krupnick died after losing the World Tiddlywink Championship? When?” “He starts tomorrow.”

I know one manufacturer who isn't the least bit worried about competition from Russia and China. He makes voting machines.

I happen to know that Russian airliners have wider seats than we do—only they're on the stewardesses.

These Russian fur hats are ridiculous. Three times last week I put the cat on my head and walked out.

Ladies and gentlemen, the purpose of this meeting is to hold a close order march. If we don't get some orders by March, we're going to close!

I'd like to start off this sales meeting by saying we had one of the greatest years in history. Boy, would I like to!

This sales meeting will now come to order—to see if we can get our customers to do likewise.

What our selling needs is some imagination! You remember imagination. It's what you put in your expense accounts.

For the last three weeks the only thing I've seen on order pads is dust.

One day our telephone operator fainted and it was six hours before anybody noticed it.

Then there's the sales manager who doesn't kid around. He said, “Ladies and gentlemen, the purpose of this sales meeting is to fire you with enthusiasm. If it doesn't work, I'm going to fire you—with enthusiasm.”

I didn't do much over the holiday. I read some light fiction—last week's expense accounts.

September is when millions of bright, shining, happy, laughing faces turn toward school. They belong to mothers.

Kids have gone from school to summer camp and now back to school again. It's mankind's way of recycling headaches.

My neighbor took her kids to school on opening day and the principal asked her how old they were. She said, “These two are six. These two are eight. And these two are ten.” The principal said, “That's amazing. Do you get two every time?” She said, “No. Sometimes we don't get any.”

I'm suffering from a low-grade infection. Every time I see my son's report card, I get sick!

I'm not sure what my kid is taking in school but I think it's an acadumbio schedule.

Nowadays there's no such thing as a kid getting left back. Mark my words, ten years from now the dumbest kid on the block will come home and say, “I just got a fud.” His parents will ask, “What's a fud?” He'll say, “I dunno. It just says fud—Ph.D.”

Not that I was such a great scholar. You're looking at the only kid who ever had to take remedial sandpile!

I couldn't help it if I didn't do well in school. My teacher was always saying, “Look, stupid”—and I did.

I was kind of a backward kid in school. For five years I did nothing but ride a bicycle. So they gave me a guitar to change my interest, but it didn't work. I kept falling off!

I was always getting into trouble in school and it wasn't my fault. One time I raised my hand and said, “Can I go to the bathroom?” The teacher said, “Did I hear you say ‘can'?” I said, “No. I said ‘bathroom.' ”

When we were in the third grade, we had two big problems. The first problem was, we had to raise our hand if we wanted to leave the room. The second problem was, the teacher was nearsighted.… I stood on one leg so much, I got fan mail from storks!

We may have been poor, but when I went to school, I always had a hot lunch. I stole a sandwich from another kid!

Do you know that kindergartens are now holding proms? I didn't believe it myself until I saw that combination dinner jacket/diaper.

A group of teachers threatened to strike if something isn't done
about violence in the schools. Don't pay any attention to them. They're just punch-drunk!

I'll never forget the immortal words of my saintly white-haired old teacher who said, “Show me a boy who talks and fights and carries on—and I'll show you a pain in the class!”

Yesterday I went to our local public school to see a familiar little figure with snow-white hair—my son. He's the one who cleans the blackboard erasers.

An interesting thing happened in my son's school today. The teacher said, “An effigy is a dummy.” One kid said, “I didn't know that. You mean to say that in November, my father voted for an effigy?”

One kid has spent so much time on buses he's graduating magna cum nauseous!

It's a very simple idea. Busing is when 20 million school kids and 60 million taxpayers get taken for a ride.

Thanks to school busing, the seat of learning is now black and blue!

Busing is very educational. It's already taught two thousand drivers to stay single.

I just saw forty-five typical kids waiting on a corner. Now I know why school buses are yellow. I'd be a little chicken myself.

The way kids dress today, it's kinda dangerous putting them out on the curb at seven o'clock in the morning. One kid was picked up three times for school and twice for garbage.

Happiness is a fella who has just found out the school bus stops right next door to his place of business—and he's a midget!

You can always tell what your secretary thinks of your speech by the kind of pad she takes it down on—steno or Five Day Deodorant.

I just figured out why there are so many problems in the business world: Any woman smart enough to be a secretary—is too smart to be a secretary!

My secretary is a very literal person. Yesterday I was dictating a letter, and for the date, I looked at my
Playboy
Calendar. She put down, “January Wow!, 1980”!

My secretary always gets upset with me. She says that my heart's in the right place—but my hand isn't.

My secretary claims I'm one of the most important men she knows. Unfortunately, she keeps leaving out the
r.

I have a very honest secretary. This morning she told a bill collector, “Yes, Mr. [
YOUR NAME
] is expecting you. He's out!”

I don't know how, but I have the only secretary who can make four carbons and no original.

Salesmanship is the fine art of getting your customers to pass the buck.

Selling is a lot like water skiing. If you don't keep moving, you're sunk!

A good salesman is someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

A good salesman should never overlook the proper use of flattery. You go from show and tell to snow and sell!

I just met the world's greatest salesman. He rang our bell and I said I couldn't buy anything because I already had a hard enough time keeping track of all my bills. So he sold me a four-drawer file.

Is this man a salesman? He could have convinced the captain of the
Titanic
that it was a submarine.

A real salesman is someone who can convince his wife that the X in a movie's rating stands for Xceptional.

A sales manager has two objectives: to make sure today's sales are better than yesterday's—and worse than tomorrow's.

Then there's the proud sales manager who looked at his map and said, “We now have pinheads in every state of the Union!”

It's one of those companies that use subtle psychological motivational techniques. They tell their salesmen to sell like all get out, 'cause if they don't, that's what they can do.

SALES CURVE:
a 38–22–36 Avon lady.

I think I may have figured out what's wrong with our business. I overheard the switchboard operator saying, “The sales department is on its coffee break. They'll call you back in an hour.”

Our sales department has the same problem as the Olympic rowing team. The minute they sit down they start going backwards.

Beware of the salesman who buys shoes by the pair and pants by the dozen.

Do you ever get the feeling that your sales staff couldn't sell pickles in a maternity ward?

We had one salesman who couldn't sell Blue Cross to Humpty Dumpty!

He's the sort of salesman who doesn't need leads. People keep telling him where to go.

He's one of those David and Goliath type salesmen. He's either stoned or slinging it.

I'm not saying Charlie is a dud. But whenever we get a response to one of our ads that say “
NO SALESMAN WILL CALL
”—we send Charlie.

“My uncle has a terrible problem with liver spots on his hands.” “He's a senior citizen?” “No. He's a sloppy eater.”

Have you ever gone to a cocktail party in Sun City? It's the first time I ever saw a martini served with a prune.

Did you hear about the two old-timers who were sitting in a Playboy Club? Finally one of them nudged the other and said, “Did you ever get the feeling they're transplanting the wrong things?”

I asked one old-timer, “Do you still go out with girls?” He said, “Are you kidding? Last Friday I took the fastest girl in town up to Lovers' Lane. We parked and fifteen minutes later she walked home!” I said, “No fooling.” He said, “That's why she walked home!”

Isn't it amazing the ads for sex books you get in the mail? I can remember when you took out the garbage. Now you bring it in!

Have you seen some of these sex manuals? They're ridiculous. How do you explain to a hotel clerk why you're carrying two suitcases and a trapeze?

I'm so naïve about things like sex manuals, the first time I heard the word “foreplay” I thought they meant bridge.

Nowadays schools have more sophisticated courses than we had. For instance, they have logic, the art of putting two and two together. Then they have sex education, the art of putting one and one together.

You know what's embarrassing? A sign saying “
EXPERIENCE IS THE BEST TEACHER
” in a sex education class.

Schools today aren't practical. We have the only educational system
in the world that teaches kids what to do in bed but not how to make them.

The trouble with sex education is, some kids are getting the answers three years before they come up with the questions.

When it comes to sex education, kids today have a problem. They don't know whether to pass it and please their teacher—or fail it and please their parents!

Times have changed. Years ago you told kids the facts of life to try to convince them that sex wasn't all that bad. Now you try to convince them that sex isn't all that good.

Kids today say that sex is a sublime, inspiring, uplifting, almost religious experience, which can only mean one thing—they're doing it all wrong.

Frankly, I'm getting a little worried about my son's school. They charge $25 for a sex education course and $150 for the field trips.

But it's just incredible the things you learn in sex education classes. Like, I always thought autoeroticism was parking.

When I was a kid I got all of my information from novels and nothing was explicit. Until I was eighteen years old, I thought you got married, went to Niagara Falls, and asterisked!

I'll never forget the first time I heard the phrase “reproductive organ,” I thought it was a pregnant Wurlitzer!

My parents were very strict. When I was eighteen the most daring thing I had ever done was touch a flesh-colored Band-Aid!

What a great slogan for a sex clinic:
PATIENTS ARE OUR MOST IMPOTENT PRODUCT
!