2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (18 page)

I have to brag about my parakeet. I really do. Last week a burglar broke into my house, tied me up, and started to ransack the place. Well, my parakeet sized up the situation; pushed open the door of his cage; quietly flew over to the telephone; pushed the receiver off the cradle; dialed police headquarters with his beak; and when they answered, he said loud and clear, “Pretty baby! Pretty baby!”

I've never had any luck with pets. I once had a turtle I had to send to obedience school.

The key to success is this: First load your head with ideas—then shoot!

As Moses once said, “It isn't what you know, it's who you know!”

You know why mankind is in such trouble? We've made it easier to break a commandment than a lease.

Prejudice is ignorance put to work.

I think this just about sums up the way things are: I know a fella who's been unemployed for five years now. He's a hero worshiper!

Silence is the best diet against fat lips.

And now I'd like to bring you my Thought for the Day: When your spirits are low, why not do what I do? Use a long straw!

Some people come to the end of a perfect day. Mine is more like a factory second.

Did you ever get the feeling that life is one big basketball game—and you're Mickey Rooney?

I live such a miserable life, the only time I get to say, “Ah!” is in a doctor's office!

I'm in debt; my wife nags me; my in-laws bug me; I have arthritis; I lost a fortune in the stock market; I'm unemployed. When it comes to the will to live—sometimes I wonder if wanting to see the speedometer on my car go from 99999 to 00000 is enough.

Did you ever get the feeling that life has put you on hold?

Laugh while you can. There's nothing more biodegradable than happiness!

Teamwork pays off. Look at Niagara Falls. Niagara Falls is nothing but a lot of little drips working together.

Remember the good old days, when “putting it all together” was for jigsaw puzzlers? People already came that way.

Tonight we're going to consider one of the great questions of our time: Why the people who forget to turn off their car headlights always remember to lock the doors.

In this age of turmoil and strife and impending disaster, let us be thankful for the little things. Like, can you imagine if King Kong had known karate?

I'm not an extremist but I do believe in the death penalty. How else are you going to stop people from squeezing toothpaste in the middle of the tube?

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday—and not enough.

Have you seen this month's Playmate? Talk about a fantastic figure, This girl is twenty-two years old and she still hasn't seen her feet!

Every month I look at the centerfold in
Playboy
and what can I tell you? It's the first time I ever envied a staple!

I never believed in reincarnation until I read
Playboy.
Now I want to come back as a staple!

There's one problem with reading
Playboy.
Looking at all those beautiful naked girls gets monotonous. Let me tell you another thing my wife said.…

I don't really think of it as
Playboy.
To me it's more like the Look-of-the-Month Club.

The
Playboy
Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

A husband saw a girl in
Playboy
who measures 43–25–37 and finally figured out what's wrong with his wife—she's inside out!

My idea of poise, self-assurance, savoir faire, and personal maturity is anyone who can look at the centerfold of
Playboy
—between hymns.

Actually,
Playboy
is very educational. It's taught millions of husbands to turn pages while looking bored.

To a homeowner, the Super Bowl is one that doesn't back up.

I don't know much about things like plumbing. One time we had a leaky faucet. I spent five hours trying to get it to [
INHALE SHARPLY
].

I called up the plumber and said, “Can you come right over? There's a one-inch leak in the basement!” He said, “That doesn't sound too serious!” I said, “A lot you know. We're in a houseboat!”

Our plumber gets thirty-five dollars a visit and our doctor gets twenty
dollars a visit. There's a great moral to this. If you have anything that's stuffed up, better it's your nose than your toilet!

Do you know what it's like to pay a plumber fifteen dollars an hour? “Good morning” alone costs you thirty-five cents!

People have heard so much about what plumbers charge, they really get uptight. One woman called a plumber and as he came in the door she sang, “This is my first repair—so please be kind!”

Some women try a different approach. A plumber finished a job and the lady of the house said, “If you'd like to come upstairs, maybe we can find a different way to pay the bill.” He said, “Lady, if I find one more way to pay the bill, I won't have the strength to climb the stairs!”

You have no idea what goes on. We have a plumber who's been in the business ten years and he still doesn't know a housecoat buttons all the way up!

Do you know the worst thing you can hear from a plumber? When he says, “Uh-oh!” The “uh” is fifty dollars and the “oh” is seventy-five!

We've got a plumber who really rubs it in. I mean, who wears mink overalls?

I asked one plumber, “Why is our bathroom always stopped up?” He said, “How many are in the family?” I said, “Eight.” And that's when I found out our plumber is a philosopher. He said, “Friend, plumbing is like a game of poker. You can't have a full house and a straight flush at the same time!”

I called up our plumber and I addressed him by the friendly little nickname we have for him. I said, “Sir?”

I said, “Can you come right over about our plumbing?” He said, “Is it leaking?” I said, “Is it leaking? If it was a dog we'd hit it with a newspaper!”

Some people are concerned about coddling criminals. I know I am. I just read about a tourist who had a knife stuck into him and they didn't arrest the mugger. They arrested
him!
Claimed he was carrying a concealed weapon!

The only problem we have in this city is the secret police. If there's any gambling, narcotics, or prostitution—it's a secret to them.

I always wanted to support our local police—but the bookies beat me to it.

I'll never forget the last time I was held up. I'm standing there like this [
HOLD UP YOUR HANDS
] when a cop comes along and says, “Is there anything wrong?” I said, “No. I'm a test pilot for underarm deodorants!”

I'll tell you how bad the crime problem is. Yesterday I rushed into a police station to report a robbery and they made me take a number.

“Police Department? This is the Seventh National Bank. We just had a very unusual robbery. The holdup man had a stocking over his head! What's so unusual about that? The girl was still in it!”

Thirty days hath September, April, June, and my nephew who didn't think the cop meant it when he said, “Move on!”

I was trying to explain to a European how our American political system works. I said, “First, a candidate throws his hat into the ring.” He said, “In Spain we put the bull in the ring.” I said, “Same thing.”

All right, who's the wise guy who put a sign on the back of the ___________ bandwagon? It says:
STUDENT DRIVER.

I know a girl who joined the ___________ campaign because of a psychological problem. She's afraid of crowds.

The ___________ campaign folded so fast, they named a beach chair after it!

[
CANDIDATE
] has been spending a lot of time campaigning in New Hampshire. Well, they said he doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the cold.

It's official, [
WINNER OF THE PRIMARY
] is now President of New Hampshire.

The primaries are turning vicious. You can tell. They now have a get-well card. It's for anyone who votes for [
CANDIDATE
].

I've been looking at the candidates. This could be the first primary in history where everybody runs second.

___________ is doing wonders for my uncle on Wall Street. He rents out ledges.

They say that ___________ has the cleanest mind in Washington. Why not? Look how often he changes it.

This is the canning season and it's going to be interesting to see if ___________ is.

I just applied for the job of ___________'s concession speech writer. It's not much work, but it's steady.

A candidate got a letter saying: “Dear Senator: I believe in the principles you stand for. For these principles, I'd climb the highest mountain, I'd swim the deepest ocean, I'd fight the biggest army, I'd cross the widest desert. Long before the polls open on election day, I will be there—that is, if it doesn't rain.”

One politician is really looking forward to working the New England circuit. He thinks it's Maine, New Hampshire, and Vermouth.

One politician is so hungry for publicity he carries a little card in his wallet. It says:
I AM A CANDIDATE. IN CASE OF ACCIDENT, CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE.

Let's be sensible about this. I think we should add ___________ to
Mount Rushmore while it's so economical. His head is already the right size.

The nice part about ___________'s program is, you won't have to envy all the benefits the poor are getting. You'll be one of them.

___________ keeps promising the little man what he really needs. I don't know what that is but I think it's elevator shoes.

I'll have to stop drinking so much coffee. Yesterday I heard one of ___________'s speeches clear through.

___________ isn't exactly the most dynamic candidate we've ever seen. In fact, last week his self-winding watch stopped three times.

They say ___________ is a born leader. I'll keep that in mind if he runs for usher.

Someone once wrote a song about the candidates: “Strike Up the Bland”!

I'm getting a little worried about the candidate who's in a hospital with a fractured skull. He threw his hat into the ring and forgot to let go!

They say the ___________ campaign is picking up steam—and you know what steam is. Hot air that's all wet.

___________ is really going after the youth vote. You can tell by that new poster. The one where he has something on his teeth—braces.

One candidate had an embarrassing experience. He went up to a house that had a front doorbell and a back doorbell and the couple inside couldn't tell one from the other. So when the candidate rang, all he could hear was a voice saying, “Which ding-a-ling is that?”

One candidate is running for President because he hears the call of the people. He's an average politician but a great ventriloquist.

Is it true they named a pizza parlor after ___________'s chances—Shakey?

Is it true that last week ___________ said he has as much chance of being President as the next guy—and standing next to him was Harold Stassen?

I love to hear candidates talk about how well they're doing in the polls. I'm a bluff buff.

Then there's the candidate who's so far down the polls, his biggest worry is dogs.

Did you hear about the candidate who's so concerned about air pollution, he canceled his next six speeches?

One candidate is very unhappy with his speech writers. He says they're damning him with faint phrase.

An ecologist came up with a great idea. He wants to make the bottom of all bird cages 8½ by 11—so ___________'s speeches won't be a total waste.

They're poking a lot of fun at one of the candidates but I want to tell you something. He's got more brains in his entire head than you've got in your little finger!

They say ___________ grows on you. So do warts but I've never sent one to Congress.

One politician was out kissing babies and he got a wonderful lesson in how to get along in Washington. Somebody handed him the kid backwards.

One candidate is drawing such small crowds, he's beginning to whistle-stop. If anybody whistles, he stops.

One of the candidates says his campaign is picking up speed. Isn't that what happens when you're going downhill?

People keep asking me how I got to be a [
POLITICAL PARTY
]. It just happened. I don't blame anybody.

Doesn't it make you a little uneasy to be called a registered Democrat or a registered Republican? You don't know if they want to count you or breed you.

The Radical Left says it will work within the system. So do termites.

A politician is someone who says, “A word to the wise is sufficient.” Then he gives a two-hour speech.

Did you ever get the feeling that this might be George Plimpton's week to run the country?

Do you think this means something? The last three people I said, “Go to hell” to—have wound up in Washington.

I'll vote for any politician who wouldn't be afraid to have Jack Anderson as his file clerk.

In 1980, I want to see something in City Hall that has never been there before—me!

Frankly, I think about my opponent a lot. I even thought of him today at lunch. There was a special on bigmouth bass.

I have to admit one thing. My cigarette lighter enjoys his speeches tremendously. It's windproof.

My opponent says he's nobody's fool, which is a shame. Maybe we can get somebody to adopt him.

I don't want to say anything about this fella, but it just shows you that all the party jokes aren't in
Playboy.

My opponent is consistent. He doesn't make that many mistakes but he keeps Xeroxing the ones he does.

He stands out like a bubble in a brewery.

I don't want to raise the question of trust, but I do happen to know that, as a kid, he collected from the tooth fairy ninety-three times!