2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (20 page)

The government is now involved with running the railroads, which is a good thing. I've never known the gravy train to be late!

The way I see it, [
LOCAL RAILROAD
] is either the world's slowest railroad or the world's fastest diner!

[
LOCAL RAILROAD
] has given a brand-new meaning to that expression “hell on wheels.”

You have to be very careful about real estate ads. They use phrases like “a maintenance-free house.” A maintenance-free house. That means for the last twenty-five years there hasn't been any maintenance.

Real estate people always try to put the best light on everything. One of them talked about a Robin Hood house. I said, “What's a Robin Hood house?” He said, “It has a Little John.”

I bought land down there and I must say I had a wonderful salesman. Always smiling. I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth and not be a barracuda!

They usually give you a free dinner and I won't say the sell is high-pressure, but when the waiter asks you, “One lump or two?”—he's talking about Excedrin!

I had a salesman who could have sold bagels to the PLO.

And they don't let you leave until you buy something. I recognized somebody at the next table—Amelia Earhart!

But I do have to admit my house is in a very lovely area. It's two feet from the water—in any direction.

A recession is when your credit standing feels around for a chair.

The recession has even affected gambling. Things are so quiet in Las Vegas, you can hear a fin drop.

I'll say one thing for the recession: It is bringing the generations together. Junior still won't get a haircut and now Dad can't afford to.

A recession brings out the compassion, the concern, and the deep human feelings that are within us all. For instance, I now do something with my old clothes I never did before. I wear them!

You notice they never have depressions in Russia. How can the bottom drop out of a pit?

There is no such thing as a recession if you have the right business in the right location—like a car wash in Capistrano.

A business recession is when a country is caught with its plants down.

A company that survives a recession is like a tea bag. It doesn't really know how good it is until it gets into hot water.

Isn't it amazing how even big companies are trying to economize? I just saw an $80 million ship christened with a bottle of Yoo-Hoo!

Trying to make a profit today is like being a pickpocket in a nudist camp.

I'll tell you how bad things are in business. An executive jumped out of his eightieth-floor window, and on the fortieth floor another executive was going like this: [
MAKE THE HITCHHIKER SIGN
].

The biggest problem facing the country today is unpaid bills—and Sams and Johns and Melvins!

I'll tell you how bad things are getting. Bankruptcy court just asked for an unlisted number

There's a real surplus of office space downtown. You can tell. It's the first time I ever saw a landlord throw tenants in!

My neighbor owns a jewelry store and even he went bankrupt. I said, “What happened?” He said, “All that glitters is not sold!”

It's like I told my wife at dinner tonight, “To you, it's recycling. To me, it's hash!”

Recycling is voters turning down a school bond issue, which lowers the effectiveness of the school system, which creates lower educational standards, which results in less knowledgeable graduates who grow into uninformed adults who vote to turn down school bond issues.

Recycling is ten Avon ladies at a Tupperware party.

Mother's Day is the epitome of recycling. It's when you borrow money from Father to buy Mother
your
favorite chocolates.

My mother-in-law is a suffrajet. She flies all over the country making her kids miserable.

My wife said, “Mother doesn't feel well. Don't you think she should get out of the house more?” I said, “Hers, no. Mine, yes!”

Winning $1 million in a lottery is a relative achievement. You do it, and all you hear from is relatives.

There is one sure way to have a distant relative—
lend him money.

When my relatives visit, they eat everything in sight. That's right. The only time you see them empty-handed is when they come in the door.

I'll tell you how shrewd I am. I've been married for ten years and my relatives still don't know we have a guest room.

My brother-in-law has the best antiperspirant of them all-unemployment.

My brother-in-law is not lazy. He's just a very slow reader. By the time he finishes the want ads, it's Sunday.

My brother-in-law is a self-made man. The only trouble is, he didn't put in any working parts.

Some people think my brother-in-law is lazy but he's not. He just works so fast, he's always finished.

Some of the new fads in religion are so wild, it's more like Christ-inanity.

Southern California is known for its avant-God religions.

I don't mind going to a church service in a drive-in theater. But when they hold the baptisms in a car wash, that's going too far!

God isn't dead. He's just trying to break Himself of going, “Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!”

The wages of sin is death—but at least there are no deductions.

Nowadays the only time people seem to get on their knees is when looking for a contact lens.

I don't believe in all this popularizing of religion. Somehow I can't ever see myself saying, “Our Dad who art in heaven.”

It's amazing how many Detroit Christians there are. The closest they come to a religious experience is buying a raffle ticket for a car.

What the world really needs is one more hymn: “I Did It Thy Way.”

My uncle is a holy roller. He's the one who mixes up the numbers for Bingo.

The Atheists of America have just announced they will hold their annual convention on April 27th—God willing.

I feel sorry for an atheist who needs help. How do you pray to Charles Darwin?

I just figured out what the smile on the Mona Lisa reminds me of—an atheist in Northern Ireland.

Isn't that awful? I know an atheist who's spreading a rumor about the Billy Graham TV show. He claims they're using canned reverence.

I don't know what's happening to this world. I saw a long skinny insect standing like this: [
ARMS CROSSED
]. I said, “Aren't you a praying mantis?” He said, “No. I'm an agnostic.”

I think it's very nice of them to return to Standard Time on the day before November 1st. It gives us another hour to figure out how to raise the rent.

I just moved into a high-rise apartment. That's not the architecture. That's the rent.

Rents are now so high, for the first time in history leases are breaking tenants!

One of the nice things about paying $800 a month for an apartment is, you're able to retrieve a much better class of magazine from the garbage.

I'm not too thrilled with living in an apartment. Paying rent is like being in the U.N. It costs you a fortune and you have nothing to show for it.

The most important part of any summer resort is the dining room. You've never seen such eating. Every ten minutes they have to throw cold water on the cutlery to keep it from overheating.

Eat? People come away from these resorts with black and blue marks from going like this: [
TAP YOUR CHEST WITH THE SIDE OF YOUR FIST
].

Do you know they got the idea for acupuncture in one of these dining rooms? Twelve people were sitting around a table with forks in their hands and one of them reached out for the last piece of meat.

People eat so much at these resorts, I know a woman who was mugged for her Rolaids!

You have no idea what goes on in these places after midnight. You know how some resorts have a social director? They have a lookout!

And the girls at these resorts are so poised. I told one of them I was a writer and I was only there to get some material. She said, “Well, what you have your hand on is 100 percent nylon.”

Personally, I always use the suave, sophisticated, man-of-the-world approach at summer resorts. Ask them if they want to come up to the room and measure belly buttons!

I do another Continental-type thing I saw Paul Henreid do in a Bette Davis movie. I take out a gold case, put two cigarettes in my mouth, light them, and you'd be surprised what this gets me—emphysema!

Fellas, when going to a summer resort, be careful. In the pantry of every single girl's heart—there's a box of wedding cake mix!

I don't like to go to a very good restaurant. It does something to me to use a napkin that has better material than my suit.

This restaurant is so exclusive, if you want water, they ask you, “What year?”

And they were having a big problem in the kitchen. The owner was saying to a new employee, “Wash those dishes!” The fella said, “But sir, I'm a college graduate.” The owner said, “You are? All right, I'll show you how.”

I was telling my neighbor, “When you go to a restaurant, if you really want to look important, have the busboy, the waiter, and the
maître d' escort you right out to the street.” He said, “How do you get them to do that?” I said, “Don't tip!”

The big problem in restaurants is tipping. Tipping is like prunes. You always have to ask yourself, “Is one enough? Is five too many?”

Do you know that I just bought my wife a dinner that cost $175—because the soup had something very special in it? Her contact lens!

They feature soup like Mother used to make—just before they took Dad to the hospital.

It's one of those restaurants where the waitresses have their hair in a bun—and it's usually the one on your plate.

You can't trust some of these restaurants. I paid $5.95 for speckled trout. What do you think I got? A herring with the measles!

Personally, I make it a point never to say grace before a Hungarian dinner. I feel there's something cynical about saying, “We thank Thee for what we are about to receive,” when what we are about to receive is heartburn!

Where else but in America can you see a sign saying “
NO BARE FEET
” in a topless restaurant?

I'm a little depressed today. I've been paying into a plan that allows me to retire at fifty-five on twelve hundred a month. I just found out that means calories.

Retirement is when you settle back and see which gets collected first—pensions, annuities, Social Security, or you.

Pension plans are when all your life you do without steak so that at age sixty-five you'll have something to sink your teeth into. A glass of water.

Retirement is all in the way you approach it. An interviewer went up to three senior citizens sitting on a park bench in St. Petersburg and asked the first one, “What do you do all day?” He said, “Nothing.” Then he asked the second senior citizen, “And what do you do all
day?” He also said, “Nothing.” Finally he asked the third senior citizen, “What do you do all day?” And he answered, “Are you kidding? What do
I
do all day? In this glorious land of sunshine, contentment, natural beauty, clean air, and unlimited opportunity—what do I do all day? Is that what you're asking?” The interviewer said, “Yes.” He said, “I help them!”

But have you noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do? They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime.… Retirement is when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better. And retirement is also when his wife comes up with a theory—that all pills don't come in bottles!

I'll tell you one thing. Retirement communities aren't like they used to be. Remember when everybody just sat around listening to their lips chap?

No more. Last week I read about a retirement community that was raided. Caught 'em playing strip shuffleboard!

Have you ever been to one of those swingin' retirement communities? It's really something. First time I ever saw anybody mainline Geritol!

Rock isn't dead. It always smelled like that.

I'm fascinated by these rock groups that have all the electrical equipment on the stage. I know one musician who doubles. He plays first guitar and second fuse box.

People wonder how rock groups can afford all those expensive microphones and amplifiers and tuners and instruments. Then again, look how much money they must save on music lessons.

I wish they wouldn't hold any more rock concerts in this town. Every time they plug in the organ, the three guitars, the sixteen spotlights, and the thirty-four amplifiers—my refrigerator defrosts.

And the sound level! Have you ever heard three guitars being fed into thirty-four amplifiers putting out 28,000 watts? Sounded like Ethel Merman with her finger caught in a wringer.

The reason guitars are so popular is, they're easy to learn. For instance, my kid knows two chords. One is C major—and the other isn't.

Show me an adult who can smile through a rock and roll concert, and I'll show you a hearing aid with weak batteries!

That group reminds me of something. My car needs a tune-up too!

I think we should all be tolerant of rock groups. If you bent over in pants that tight, you'd howl too!

It's like I keep telling my daughter, “I have nothing against the [
ROCK GROUP
], but every third number, they couldn't play a polka?”