2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (25 page)

My son wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates. Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of a résumé, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the
POSITIONS WANTED
section of the newspaper. I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad. He said, “A self-starter!”

Kids today want to make a hundred dollars a week on a summer job. A hundred dollars a week! When I was a kid, the only people in town who made a hundred dollars a week were a working couple-Bonnie and Clyde!

I asked my son, “What can you do?” He said, “Nothing.” I said, “Good. I'll get you a job in the government. They won't have to break you in.”

No, I'm only kidding. Kids today aren't afraid of hard work. Kids aren't afraid of hard work for the same reason I'm not afraid of an African lion. They never get too close to it.

Ingenuity is what has made America great. One day I was on the speed checkout line at the supermarket. The checker said to the woman in front of me, “I'm sorry, madam, but you have twenty-four items. This line is for carts with eight items or less.” She said, “Wait a minute”—and got two more carts.

I don't know who's running the express line at the local supermarket but I think it's Amtrak.

Something's got to give. I mean, I don't mind spending forty-two dollars at the supermarket—but on the express line?

This fella went into a police station and said, “My wife drew $5,000 out of the bank and I think she ran away,” The desk sergeant said, “She drew $5,000 out of the bank? Weren't you suspicious?” He said, “No. She said she was going to the supermarket.”

Nowadays the easiest way to break a fifty-dollar bill is to drop it on a checkout counter.

It's terrible. Yesterday hijackers stole $10,000 worth of groceries from a supermarket. Got away in a Volkswagen.

But the stores are really trying. They now have something that lets you get three meals out of one pound of hamburger—the price.

Ladies, I have a great way to save money when you next go shopping: Chop meat! Chop meat right off your shopping list.

STAKEOUT:
What you say when you see the price of beef.

And it isn't just meat. Remember when a buccaneer was a pirate? Now it's the price of corn.

Do you know what they're getting for things like cornflakes and puffed rice? They're called dry cereals. Not anymore. I cry all over them!

You can always tell the newlyweds in a supermarket. They're the ones who squeeze the breakfast cereal boxes to see if they're fresh!

I just want to know what the government is doing about the biggest
financial problem of them all—the peso! Every time we go into a supermarket, why do we have to peso much?

You can put on airs everywhere else but in a supermarket you have to act your wage.

Food is so expensive, anyone who burps is a liar!

I'll tell you how fast money goes. I just saw a shopping cart with a racing stripe.

Our grocery bills have been running eighty dollars a week. I told my wife, “Don't give me any of that inflation stuff! Somewhere you've got a 500-pound lover!”

This morning my wife said she had a plan that could cut our food bills in half. I said, “That's great! What is it?” She said, “Alternate side of the table eating!”

I'll tell you how high prices are. I just saw a butcher's bill with a nosebleed.

I was having a marvelous time in a mate-swapping club until the government loused it up. They passed the truth-in-lending law.

From an efficiency standpoint you just can't beat a mate-swapping club. It has no dues—and very few don'ts!

I can remember when suburban couples would get together for an evening and swap tales. Come to think of it, they still do.

I'm not what you might call a swinger. You're looking at the only fella who ever went to an orgy and played charades.

Nowadays many girls offer you sex on a silver platter—which is a wild way to get the tarnish off.

We've always had sex education, only it was called by a different name—TV talk shows.

I hear things on these shows Krafft wouldn't have said to Ebing!

I never worry about the future. High interest rates have taught me how to live within my income—and high taxes have taught me how to live without my income.

Thanks to federal, state, county, and city taxes, if you make $50,000 a year it doesn't mean you
have
money. It means you
had
money.

There's only one problem with soaking the rich—a little of the detergent gets on everyone!

I don't want to complain but every time they build a tax structure, the first thing they nail is
me!

It's fantastic how many taxes there are. Property taxes, sales taxes, income taxes. They even have taxes on taxicabs and prune juice. They get you coming and going!

We have a bedbug system of taxation. It's amazing how many different ways they put the bite on you.

In this city a man's home is his castle. It looks like a home and it's taxed like a castle.

Taxes are now so high, this morning a neighbor came over and wanted to borrow a cup of something—money!

There are only two ways to successfully cope with teenagers: self-control now or birth control then.

You know that having a calm, reasoned, tranquil discussion with
your teenager is in vain—when one of them starts to stick out on your forehead.

A teenager is someone who borrows ten dollars, your new leather coat, and the keys to the car, to take his girl to a lecture on the simple life.

A teenager is someone who calls his parents squares—and then travels fifty-five miles to see a Jack Oakie Film Festival.

When your kids come home at two o'clock in the morning and you ask them where they were, here's how you can tell if they're lying: Are their mouths open?

I just heard my first teenager work song. It's all about sweating and straining and pulling and ripping and cutting and slashing and tearing and lifting. It's called “Opening Up the Letter with That No-good Check from Home.”

Let's face it. The only time teenagers put their shoulders to the wheel is when they neck in a Volkswagen!

I have a fifteen-year-old kid who's always saying, “I have a mind of my own!” When I was fifteen I didn't even have a bed of my own!

They say teenagers are smarter than ever so I asked mine to do something about the snow on the front walk. Well sir—that vacuum cleaner will never be the same!

I have a question. Millions of kids are searching for their identity. Why is it the first place they look is in the refrigerator?

I know a teenager who got July and August as a summer vacation. So she went into the bathroom to fix her hair. Then in August …

A lot of kids want to replace “The Star-Spangled Banner” as our national anthem. It starts off with “Oh, say can you see?”—and with their haircuts, the answer is “No!”

Teenage haircuts come in three different styles:
LONG, LONGER
, and
PARDON ME, SIR, BUT YOU'RE STANDING ON MY SIDEBURNS
!

Teenagers today have the sofa look. All they want is mohair.

Have you noticed the way kids dress today? One father said to his wife, “Dear, I looked at our daughter today and I think she has a
drug problem.” She said, “Drug as in marijuana?” He said, “No. Drug as in by the cat!”

I can remember when teenage girls were called dreamboats. Now they look more like tramp steamers.

Do you realize if Alexander Graham Bell hadn't invented the telephone, we'd all be sitting around waiting for the bridge lamp to ring?

I can't understand the telephone company. I came up with a great idea to make life simpler for telephone users and it's just ignoring it. A directory for unlisted numbers!

I don't know why people are always knocking the phone company. I can get dial tones without any trouble—usually halfway through my calls.

I've always found it significant that when you lose a coin, the phone company sends you stamps. Do you think it's saying, maybe you ought to write a letter?

Did you know the telephone company is now using men as operators? Neither did I until I got one on the phone. I said, “I'd like to talk to an operator.” He said, “I am an operator.” I said, “How do I know you're an operator?” He said, “I'm alone with eighty-five women, aren't I?”

Personally, I think the phone company should add a little sex appeal to its operation. Like calling the girls in Directory Assistance—informaniacs!

Yesterday I got a phone call and a low sexy voice said, “I want your body!” What a sneaky way to collect blood for the Red Cross!

My uncle got two years in jail because of a wrong number. It was on his income tax.

A loser is someone who phones a number on a washroom wall—and it's Dial-A-Prayer!

I know a fella who makes obscene phone calls. He calls up Christian Scientists and says, “Penicillin, antibiotics, cortisone, aspirin!”

I like to think deep philosophical thoughts—like, how does an obscene caller know when he gets a wrong number?

I just heard the weirdest conversation. My secretary answered a ring and it was an obscene caller. She said, “I'm very busy. Would you mind hurrying it up?” He said, “I'm breathing as fast as I can!”

TV is one tube it's mighty hard to squeeze anything good out of.

Television is the device that brings people into your living you wouldn't have in your living room.

People will watch anything on television. I can prove it. You know that little white spot that appears when you turn off the set? Last week it got an 18.2 Nielsen!

People are funny. If friends lied to us as much as our TV set does, we'd have nothing to do with them.

Do you get the feeling that this season, television is hitting new highs in lows?

They say there's nothing new under the sun. I just saw the new prime-time TV programs. There's nothing new under the moon either.

What do I think of the new television shows? Well, I now have a callus from changing stations.

I don't want to complain about the new TV season, but I've gone from Channel 2 to Channel 4 to Channel 6 to Seagram 7.

Some of the TV heroes this season are so old it's embarrassing. One of them has to take two Anacin just to make a fist.

If somebody says, “Reach!”—it's for a Social Security check!

I saw one show that was so bad, I think it was done in living duller.

I won't say what the new shows are like but it's the first time I ever saw a TV repairman back in.

Show me the man who laughs when things go wrong and I'll show you a TV repairman!

TV is when you give a repairman forty-two dollars to replace a tube worth three dollars so you can watch a show that says, “Crime doesn't pay.”

I know a fella who never pays any attention to the shade of a man's skin. Unfortunately, he's the one who fixes my color TV set.

Have you noticed how most of the new TV shows come in one color—mediocher?

This season the accent is on total frankness in language, approach, and subject matter. I knew it the minute
TV Guide
showed up in a plain brown wrapper.

You have no idea what's happening on these programs. I can remember when
HORIZONTAL HOLD
was a little knob around on the side of the set. Now it's a little fooling around on the front of it.

It's embarrassing. One show is about a doctor who becomes sexually involved with one of his patients. What makes it so embarrassing, he's a tree surgeon.

I was telling my secretary they want to do a TV special about me as the sex symbol of the year. All they need is a title. She said, “How about ‘He? Haw!' ”

I know a newlywed who's very upset with television. She says, “The trouble with TV is, it's either sex or violence.” I said, “What do you mean sex or violence?” She said, “If you turn it on, it's violence. If you turn it off, it's sex!”

I don't want to put down the new TV series but in my neighborhood we've always had something that shows us crime, corruption, lawbreaking, and violence. It's called a window.

Blaming TV for violence is like blaming beds for sex.

In our neighborhood, cable TV is when the set is chained to the radiator.

They go so fast. I had one set disappear between “Here's” and “Johnny”!

Personally, I'd like to see more TV shows with the accent on entertainment. Like sixty minutes of Dolly Parton with the hiccups!

I love the old movies on TV. Last night I saw the one where Cary Grant plays a cat burglar. Remember that one? In the very first scene he steals three cats!

“The evil that men do lives after them.” I didn't believe it until I saw a rerun on TV.

You know who loves to watch TV? My dog. That's right. When Oral Roberts says, “Heal!”—he goes out of his mind!

Did you know that Henny Youngman was the inspiration for ‘Sesame Street'? “A guy comes up to me on the street and Sesame …”

Magic is watching TV with three little kids in the room. Now you see it; now you don't!

If inflation, crime, poverty, unemployment, and war are eliminated, can you imagine the profound change it's going to make in our lives? For instance, in the future, the first ten minutes of the seven o'clock news will be a dance act.