2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (23 page)

I wouldn't mind being the first speaker tonight if it wasn't for something the master of ceremonies told me during dinner. He said he likes to start off each program with a joke. Then he introduced
me
!

ACKNOWLEDGING A HUMOROUS INTRODUCTION:
That's what I call an acupuncture introduction. One needle after another.

ACKNOWLEDGING A HUMOROUS INTRODUCTION:
Now I know why they call him a toastmaster. Toast—that's a square with a lot of crust.

ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR INTRODUCTION:
That was a very touching introduction. So was being introduced to your finance chairman.

ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR INTRODUCTION:
I want to thank Mr. ___________ for that kind, generous, I might even say lavish, introduction. For a while there I wasn't sure if I was ten feet tall or six feet under.

ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR INTRODUCTION:
I want to thank you for that glowing introduction. I think some of the statements in it were overly generous—but as a golfer, I'm always grateful for a good lie.

AFTER A DEAD MICROPHONE IS REPAIRED:
I'm glad you fixed that. For a while there I was beginning to feel like Marcel Marceau.

AFTER A LONG PAUSE:
In public speaking there's an old expression. He who hesitates has lost his place.

AFTER QUOTING STATISTICS:
I realize those are rather startling statistics. I can see three people out there with their mouths open [
MIME YAWNING AND COVERING YOUR MOUTH
].

AFTER USING A VERY BIG WORD:
I'm sorry but I'm crazy about using big words. There's even a name for it—psychosemantic.

ANSWERING AN ANGRY REMARK:
Sir, it really wouldn't be fair for me to argue with you because you've lost your head—and your brains are in it.

ANSWERING CRITICISM:
Wait a minute. I hear something. I think it's the fermentation of sour grapes!

COMPLAINT:
Sir, we are what we eat. I know that because I just saw you taking a pill.

DEBATE:
Tonight we have one speaker for and one speaker against. It's like stereo. You'll be getting it from both sides.

FOLLOWING UP A SPEECH:
I haven't been so choked up since my dentist gave a talk entitled
ADVENTURES IN DENTURES.

IF SOMEBODY LEAVES DURING YOUR SPEECH, CALL AFTER THEM:
I might get better!… Something like that used to make me very insecure, but no more. [
STICK YOUR THUMB IN YOUR MOUTH.
]

IF THE MICROPHONE IS TOO LOW:
Who were you expecting—Mickey Rooney?

IF THERE IS A DELAY IN YOUR SPEECH:
As you can see, I don't exactly stop the show, but I do slow it up.

IF YOU ARE IN AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION:
I wouldn't give this spot to a dermatologist.

IF YOU BECOME CONFUSED:
I'm sorry. I lost my train of thought—and it wasn't an express to begin with.

IF YOU FORGET SOMETHING:
I have a photographic memory. It's just that sometimes I forget to take off the lens cap!

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AT THE START:
As you might have noticed, this is my fish market speech. For the first few minutes I flounder.

IF YOU LOSE YOUR PLACE:
You'll have to excuse me. I have so much editing, cross-outs, and changes in this, I call it my repaired text.

INTERMISSION:
We will now have a fifteen-minute break. In the words of that wonderful old spiritual:
LET MY PEOPLE GO!

INTERRUPTER:
Sir, may I say to you those four words that have been made so popular by the phone company: “You're out of order!”

INTERRUPTER:
Sir, our time is flying and you're trying to hijack it.

INVOLVED QUESTION:
Sir, could you tell this story a little faster? I don't quite know how to put this but your tale is dragging.

LARYNGITIS:
Laryngitis can get you into a lot of trouble. All day long I've been talking in a whisper and I knew I had this speech tonight, so I called up [
NAME OF MODERATOR
] to tell him about it and his wife answered the phone. And that's when I found out that laryngitis can get you into a lot of trouble. I said [
WHISPERING
], “Is [
FIRST NAME OF MODERATOR
] home?” She said [
ALSO WHISPERING
], “No. Come on over!”

NERVOUSNESS:
As I stand here before this distinguished audience, I don't know which is knocking more—opportunity or my knees.

NERVOUS PARTICIPANT:
You're so nervous. You look like Evel Knievel's insurance man.

NOISY GROUP:
You look at that table and you know what's wrong with the world—ten speakers and no listeners.

NOISY GUEST:
Sir, I'd like to give you a going-away present. But you've got to do your part.

REBUTTAL:
You've got a point there—and if you put your hat on, nobody will notice it.

REBUTTAL:
I couldn't swallow that if it came with a chaser!

REBUTTAL:
That's a very meaty question and I'd like to give it a very meaty answer—baloney!

SMALL AUDIENCE:
I haven't seen anything this empty since I looked in the suggestion box at the Kremlin.

TO SOMEBODY INTERRUPTING:
Sir, I wouldn't mind your mini-brain if it wasn't for your maxi-mouth!

WHEN A JOKE DIES:
If silence is golden, that joke has got to be worth $42,000!

WHEN A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE GIVES A SPEECH INSTEAD OF ASKING A QUESTION:
Sir, would you mind just phrasing your question? Our lease is up in January.

WHEN AUDIENCE REACTS TO A BEAUTIFUL GIRL:
I second the emotion.

WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS A VERY PERTINENT QUESTION:
Sir, I hope you're married—because that is a very pregnant question.

WHEN SOMEBODY GOOFS YOUR INTRODUCTION:
It could be worse. Last week a master of ceremonies introduced me by saying, “And now we bring you the latest dope from Hollywood!” [
SUBSTITUTE YOUR CITY.
]

WHEN SOMEONE ASKS A TRICK QUESTION:
Sir, I just want to know if you have a permit to carry that loaded question.

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, “CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE?”:
Of course I can. Where do you want to go?

WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG:
Don't worry. This is all part of the program. This is the part we didn't practice.

WHEN SPEAKING TO AN AUDIENCE OF EXPERTS:
First let me say I'm well aware of the fact that many of you out there are better qualified to deal with this subject than I am. Better qualified? I feel like I'm giving a talk on flood control to Noah!

WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT:
It's a pleasure to be here on this extinguished occasion.

WHEN THE MICROPHONE DOESN'T WORK:
I don't really need the microphone. I'm used to talking loud. I have three kids, a dog, and a stereo.

WHEN THE MICROPHONE DOESN'T WORK:
Could we get an electrician? The microphone is on the bum and it should be the other way around.

WHEN THE SOUND SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK:
I don't know why they call these things a P.A. system. To me they're always P.U.

WHEN YOU DROP YOUR PAPERS:
I've heard of a speech falling flat, but this is ridiculous!

WHEN YOU GARBLE WORDING:
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and sometimes I think it's still there!

WHEN YOU PUT ON GLASSES:
I don't really need these glasses. I just use them to find things—like my office.

WHEN YOU QUOTE:
At this point I'd like to say a few appropriated words.

WHEN YOU'RE IN A LARGE MEETING HALL:
Isn't this a wonderful room? I think they used it for the creditors of [
BANKRUPT FIRM IN YOUR FIELD
].

WHEN YOU STOP FOR A SIP OF WATER:
As you can see, this is a prepared speech. All you add is water.

WHEN YOU TAKE A LONG TIME ADJUSTING THE MICROPHONE:
Forgive me but it's really necessary. I'm one of those Teddy Roosevelt talkers. I speak softly and carry a big microphone! I always have trouble with these things. One time I was giving a speech and the toast-master leaned over and said, “You're too close to the microphone.” So I moved back a little, continued with my speech, and five minutes later he leaned over again and said, “You're still too close to the microphone.” I said, “How far away should I be?” He said, “Got a car?”

WHILE PUTTING ON YOUR GLASSES:
Some people say they don't really need these things. I do. Whenever anybody sings, “Oh, say can you see?”—my answer is, “No!”

YOUNG, CONSERVATIVE AUDIENCE:
As I stand here looking into your well-scrubbed faces, your short haircuts, and your closely trimmed sideburns—one thought crossed my mind: Some people will do anything to get attention!

It's a great honor to be here tonight after having satisfied the two philosophical requirements of your Program Committee. The two philosophical requirements: (1) They believe in free speech. And (2) They believe in free speeches.

Next month we'll be having our annual Beef-Stew New Year's Eve Party. The dinner will be beef and the diners will be stewed.

We have a very modest, outgoing chairman but I happen to know that, during his term of office, he sat through dozens of debates. He sat through scores of planning sessions. And he sat through hundreds of meetings. In fact, one time I asked him, “If I was picked to be the next chairman, what preparation would I need?” He said, “H!”

I said, “Before you go any further, I'd like to say one thing.” He said, “What's that?” I said, “Don't go any further!”

I had an interesting experience coming in from the airport. The driver thought this hotel was in Tipperary. He kept taking the long way.

I haven't exactly made the greatest impression in my field. You've heard of
Who's Who?
I'm in
Who He?

As I look out over this assembly and realize that we represent the finest minds and talent our profession has to offer—before we begin I'd like to ask Reverend Jones to say a short prayer for our country.

Actually, I was feeling pretty good until I peeked through the curtain and saw how many of you were here tonight. Then I was suddenly taken sober!

I once went to a seminar where the cocktail hour ran from three to seven. When I answered questions from the floor, you better believe it!

Please excuse me if I'm a little nervous tonight. I've been to many speeches as a member of the audience, but this is the first time I've ever stood up here—on the windward side.

You can't blame me for being nervous. I live in a high-risk neighborhood—Earth!

[
TAKE OFF YOUR WATCH AND PUT IT ON THE LECTERN.
] Don't let that reassure you. It's a sundial.

Most speakers feel that 50 percent is what you deliver and 50 percent is how you deliver it. Masters and Johnson feel the same way.

The program chairman told me the essence of a good speech is to have a beginning and an end, and keep the two as close together as possible.… So in conclusion …

It's never a good idea to give a very long speech. One time I gave a two-hour talk, and when it was over, the audience rose to its feet and cried, “Bully! Bully!” But they were so tired, they kept leaving off the Y.

This will be a rather short talk tonight and you can thank three people for it. My partner, who took a forty-five-minute speech and edited it down to thirty minutes. My wife, who took the thirty-minute speech and edited it down to fifteen minutes. And my secretary, who took the fifteen-minute speech and lost it.

This was originally a forty-five-minute speech but thanks to what my wife said last night, it's only a fifteen-minute speech. She said what she always says at night: “Take out the garbage!”

I'd like to move this right along—before my welcome wears out and the martinis wear off.

I'll tell you what started me giving short speeches. One time I was giving a real long one and I heard these two fellas talking in the front row. One nudged the other and said, “Do you figure he's heading for the finish?” And his friend answered, “Only if he makes a U-turn!”

In many ways, a speaker is faced with the same problem a bridegroom has on his wedding night. Everybody knows what he's there for. The big question is: “Can he deliver?”

And now I'd like to depart from the prepared text and say something I can understand too.

I have a ten-minute talk and a twenty-minute talk. It's the same talk. I lose my place a lot.

I may seem a little disorganized but I'm really not. I'm like a swizzle stick. I do my best work when going around in circles.

I've done so much after-dinner speaking in the last few years, all I have to do is see a slice of roast beef and I start feeling for my notes.

As a public speaker, I like to think I have a stake in the future. I'm getting mighty sick of chicken à la king!

It's a pleasure to be talking to such a large group. I gave a speech last night. The audience was so small, when they applauded it sounded like three nudists sitting on a marble bench!

I'll tell you how I did. I got a shrugging ovation.

We've had such quiet audiences, you know how some shows have signs saying
LAUGH
and
APPLAUD
? We have signs saying
INHALE
and
EXHALE.

I call this my no-bra speech. A point here, a point there, but in between it's kind of shaky.

Air pollution is getting worse. You can tell. Last night I gave a speech, and by the time I finished, half the audience were holding their noses.