50 Shades of Kink (5 page)

Erotic role play (also called fantasy role play) gives folks a chance to be someone else, even if it's only for an hour or two. You can shake off your real-life self, say a stern, responsible school principal, and become someone different, like a pampered princess with a doting babysitter. Role play creates a space for
fantasy and make-believe, where you can explore your inner cocky jock, naughty schoolgirl, or bored-but-horny housewife. It can add another layer to your sex life, where you explore the many facets of your own personality, different dynamics with a partner, sexual taboos, and scenarios limited only by your imagination.

Erotic role play almost always has a power dynamic built right into it. Think about some of the most common role-play scenarios: doctor/patient, teacher/student, cop/civilian, prostitute/client. Often these scenes revolve around one person submitting to another, being forced to do something, or feeling vulnerable. Think of a naughty student spanked by a ruler-wielding nun, a professional dominatrix humiliating her client, or a drill sergeant putting a private through his paces. For many people, a significant part of their BDSM play is erotic role play that involves dominance and submission.

In dominant/submissive role play, the
dominant
runs the show, exerts control over a submissive, and may direct him or her to complete tasks, behave a certain way, follow rules, or submit to various kinds of SM (like spanking, bondage, etc.). A
submissive
gives up control and surrenders to the dominant, complies with a dominant's wishes, follows orders, and has an investment in pleasing his or her dominant.

A power exchange of some kind is nearly always present in human relationships. There are people all around us in power exchange relationships who don't acknowledge the dynamic or call it anything. Consider a husband who
gives his wife an allowance but no credit card in her own name. A woman who controls her coworkers, making them eager to please her even though she's not their boss. That's right—there are plenty of people wearing collars and others tugging at their leashes, but the gear is invisible and the dynamic unexamined. Kinky people do the opposite: they consciously
create
and
name
a power dynamic in order to eroticize it. By making the power exchange explicit, they get to act on it, play with it, and let it drive the erotic interaction. That exchange is what fuels their desire and pleasure. Think about the mistress who forces her slave to be sexually available to her at all times. Or the submissive who strives to please her dominant, putting his needs above her own.

Service
is one kind of D/s dynamic or relationship where the submissive serves the dominant; the dominant may direct the submissive to do household chores, provide sexual stimulation, or complete projects. In fact, ordinary activities that most people take for granted—making coffee, drawing a bath, folding laundry—can be imbued with a different meaning and become symbols of submission and service. Service is most often equated with submissives (slaves, boys, girls, etc.), but there are also self-identified
service tops
, who enjoy doing things to bottoms at the bottom's request.

Many tops are dominant—their needs and wishes come first—and many bottoms are submissive—their desire is to please and serve their top. However, that is not always the case. If a dominant master orders his submissive to flog him, then the master is the flogging bottom and the submissive is the flogging top; the master is still the one in charge, he's just having something done to him.
The roles of sadist and masochist overlap with other roles, and many people identify with different elements of more than one. Sometimes the overlap is easily recognized, like a submissive masochist bottom who enjoys being flogged to experience both the pain and the submission to his dominant's flogger. But there could also be a sadistic submissive who enjoys piercing masochist bottoms.

Some people take on the role of dominant or submissive expressly for a scene, like top or bottom, and shed that role when the scene ends. For others, being dominant or submissive is not about role playing but is a much bigger part of their identity and relationships. Some dominants can't turn their desire to dominate on and off at will, and they describe dominance as very similar to how people define sexual orientation: these dominants are attracted to and interested in submissives, they see the world through their dominant lens, and their dominance is a constant in their sexual and BDSM interactions.

 

One way to explore dominance and submission is through sexual power games. Sexual power games are role-playing scenarios that use sex as the central tool for control. They often revolve around giving or withholding certain types of stimulation and pleasure, ordering the submissive to perform sex on herself or you, and controlling the submissive's orgasms. Remember that as with other kinky activities, consent is key; so when I use the terms
control
,
order
,
force
, or
torture
, I use them in the context of a scene where people have agreed to consensual dominance and submission.

Tease and torment is a fun game where the dominant is not only clearly in charge but uses that power to torment the submissive. The idea here is to get your submissive nice and turned on, squirming in pleasure, and then, back off. This is where you stop what you're doing to him, and watch him squirm even more. Put your mouth just an inch away from her pussy and stay there. Turn the
vibrator down or off suddenly and don't let her have the controls. Stop fucking her. Hover over her lips just barely touching them. Then, tease. Don't let her get close enough to your hand, mouth, cock, or body to have what she craves. You can combine this game with bondage to make it even more difficult for her to get what she wants. Teasing builds tension, anticipation, and arousal. It puts what your partner desires just out of reach. This can lead to someone asking, begging, pleading, or even bargaining (“I'll give you the best blow job if you just fuck me afterward.”) Eventually, you will give in and let her have what she wants, and by then, she'll be so beside herself, the payoff for both of you will be even bigger.

This is a good one to play whether you're in the same room, in separate places, or connecting long distance via phone, instant messenger, text, or Skype. It's easy—the dominant orders the submissive to masturbate. This is a great way to exercise control over her pleasure: she gets to have it, but only when you say so. In fact, maybe she can only touch herself with your permission. Perhaps you give her instructions about exactly how she should do it, and she must follow your directions to the letter or risk punishment. Maybe she needs to describe to you in detail what she's doing, what she's fantasizing about, and what she wants you to do to her. Maybe she needs to get over her shyness and perform for you, give you a show. Maybe she must dedicate her orgasm to you or say your name when she comes, or ask your permission before she has an orgasm. Whatever
way you design it, this once solitary activity which was her domain alone now belongs to you.

You can also direct your submissive to masturbate when you're not around. Order her to do it with a specific toy or wearing a particular outfit. Tell her to write up a report of her activities and send it to you. Get creative with your requests; you'll keep her on her toes and you on her mind whenever she masturbates. These can be great homework exercises for couples in long-distance relationships, and they help keep the D/s dynamic present even when you are not physically near each other.

Imagine if your ability to orgasm was decided by someone else. If you like being at someone's mercy, handing over control of your pleasure, then this kind of surrender may really appeal to you as a submissive. For dominants, do you like to take charge of your partner's body and use sex as a way to control her?
Orgasm control
can take several different forms, each of them a different kind of sexual power play.

One very popular element of dominance/submissive role play is when the dominant requires the submissive to first ask permission in order to have an orgasm. It's a simple, yet deeply symbolic act that says, “I control you. Your orgasms belong to me.” Some people write it into their contracts. Basically, the submissive must always ask the dominant's permission before having an orgasm. Usually, the rule means that as the submissive is right on the edge of
coming, he has to pause, ask (or beg), and the dominant can decide to extend or deny permission for him to have an orgasm. Creative dominants can require a task first (“Lick my boots!”) or administer ten strokes of the paddle before permission is given. Orgasm control is a ritual that not only reinforces the dominant/submissive dynamic but is also such a fun power game to play!

Speaking of denying permission,
orgasm denial
is another form of control—one that's a bit more devious (and, yes, even sadistic). When the submissive asks for permission, your answer is confident and resounding: “No.” You can do it as a correction, punishment, or just to see the look on her face. Denying orgasm makes a submissive squirm, squeal, beg, plead, all while getting more turned on in the process. It's a great way to take someone to the edge of climax, then flip the switch. You get bonus points for incorporating sex toys into this game, like vibrators, Kegel balls (also called Ben Wa balls), dildos, or butt plugs—since they'll make it even more difficult for her to not come. It's another kind of tease and torment sure to drive her crazy, where the reward—a much-anticipated orgasm
when you say so
—is even sweeter. Or perhaps the reward is delayed, a few hours or a few days.

On the other end of the spectrum is the
forced orgasm
. Let me start with a disclaimer: if your partner has trouble achieving orgasm, this is not the game to play. It could create tension, anxiety, shame, and fear, and that's not what we're after at all. But if your partner is reliably orgasmic, then this is another fun way to control her. Think of it as making your partner have an orgasm on demand. When you feel like she's getting close (or she has told you she is, as instructed),
you can demand that she come. Or you can put her in some nice bondage, then strap a vibrator to her clitoris, so she has no choice but to come. The dominant gets to call the shots, the submissive gets to follow the command and come: win-win !

Dominants can require all kinds of service from submissives, but sexual service is one of the most popular fantasies people have. Demanding sexual service and making your pleasure his
only
priority is a clear way to exert power over a submissive. Not only can you make a specific demand, but you can enhance the experience in different ways: require he be sexually available to you whenever you want; provide specific directions about how you want something done to you; make the task more difficult by binding his hands so he can only use his mouth; put a hood on him and tell him you're going to use his body for your pleasure; or combine service for you that turns him on, like cunnilingus, with orgasm denial for him.

Providing sexual service is a big turn-on for many submissives who enjoy being focused on the dominant's pleasure and/or being sexually used or objectified. Some really enjoy the role of the sexually available, willing, and able sex slave who could be called on at a moment's notice (provided it works with everyone's hectic schedule, of course). They enjoy creating a “non-negotiable” sex scenario (which, of course, they've actually negotiated beforehand): there is no question about who initiates, who does what, or what's expected. They don't
have to overthink anything, just do what they are told. For some, this allows them the freedom and permission to be constantly horny, ready to go, even “oversexed,” since that is part of being a good sex slave.