50 Shades of Kink (3 page)

 

BDSM
can be used as a noun (“I'm interested in BDSM”) or an adjective (“I went to a BDSM event”). Some people use other terms interchangeably with BDSM, including SM, kink, and leather.

 

The use of the term
leather
in association with BDSM (as in, “I'm part of the local leather community”) originated in post-World War II gay male biker clubs and bars and continued in leather bars and sex clubs from the late 50s all the way through the 2000s.
Leather
is still used today, especially by gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer folks, to signify kinky interests, identities, and communities.

 

Play
is a common term used to describe the practice of BDSM, as in, “I want to play with a bondage expert so I can learn more about it.” It can also be used as an adjective: “My play partner caned me really well at Susan's play party. I'm glad I set up that play date!”

 

A
scene
is where two or more people come together to do BDSM. People may also use
scene
to describe the BDSM community (“Is she in the scene?”). You can do a scene anywhere, but often people do them in a play space or dungeon. These spaces may be private, such as a room in someone's home, or public, like a large club. Such places often have different stations that feature various types of equipment for BDSM play, such as a St. Andrew's cross (a large
X
, usually made of wood, with places to attach wrist and ankle cuffs), a bondage bed, a spanking bench, a sling, a medical exam table, and a cage.

 

Erotic role play
(or
fantasy role play
) occurs when you and a partner (or partners) create characters and scenarios to act out fantasies with a sexual component.

 

The term
fetish
has several meanings. When the word first appeared,
fetish
was a psychological term to denote a particular object that one needed in order to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. Over time, the word has evolved into a kind of shorthand. Now people use it as a way to describe their favorite kinks, as in a shoe fetish, a foot fetish, a cigar fetish, or an ass fetish. In addition, some
people say, “I belong to the fetish scene,” meaning they like to dress up in latex, leather, and PVC, and attend fetish parties and balls, but they don't necessarily belong to the local BDSM or leather scene.

One of the first things to consider as you talk about what kinds of BDSM activities you might like to try is what role you'll take in a scene: do you want to be in charge or do you want your partner to be in charge (or both)? A
top
is the doer who initiates activities and actions and does things to the bottom. Do you love the idea of blindfolding your partner, tying him up, or spanking him? If you like doing things to your partner and want your partner to receive, you will probably enjoy taking on the top role.

A
bottom
follows the top's lead, receives stimulation from the top, and has things done to him or her. If you fantasize about giving control to your partner, being put in bondage, or being whipped, then you should explore the bottom role.

Top and bottom can also be used as verbs, as in “I topped my girlfriend last night.” A
switch
is someone who enjoys playing both roles. Whether a switch becomes a top or a bottom can change from one scene to the next; switches may take on a particular role based on the partner they play with or the activity. They can also switch between both roles within one scene.

A
dominant
is the partner in charge; dominants run the show and call the shots. Think of the dominant as the authority figure who should be obeyed. A
female dominant is sometimes referred to as a
dominatrix
. A
submissive
is someone who enjoys surrendering to their partner, likes to prioritize the dominant's needs and desires, and gets turned on by being told what to do. Read more about dominant/submissive role play in the next chapter.

People of all different genders are tops, bottoms, switches, dominants, and submissives. In this book, I will use “he,” “she,” “her,” and “his” not to proscribe certain roles to certain genders or assume a specific kind of dynamic, but rather to mix it up randomly.

Kinky folks have adopted a set of principles that represent some important core values: consent, communication, negotiation, education, safety and risk reduction, and aftercare.

Consent
—explicit, informed verbal approval after negotiation, a confident and secure “Yes!”—is the bedrock of sex and relationships, and one of the most significant elements of kink. It's what separates kink from abuse. You will read about consent repeatedly in this book. Securing consent from a partner is a necessity, and this holds true whether the person is brand-new to you, you've played together more than a dozen times, or you've been in a relationship for ten years. Never assume anything. When you ask for consent, you clearly speak your part in the exchange: I need to know you've agreed to this before we begin.

Giving your consent to a partner prior to a scene is absolutely crucial. It establishes that you're ready, willing, and able to proceed; you've discussed what's likely to happen, shared any concerns, talked about your limits, and agreed to dive in. When you give consent, you do so willingly, without pressure, coercion, or reservation. You agree to play, communicate during the scene, and stop if you need to.

Giving your consent and receiving a partner's consent is part of the process of negotiating a kink scene.
Negotiation
creates a space for everyone to talk about their needs, wants, limits, fantasies, and fears before they play. One way to begin the negotiation process is to identify what role or roles you will take on: top/bottom/switch, dominant/submissive, sadist/masochist. Together you can discuss possible activities; for each one, you can decide if you are interested in doing it and whether you want to give or receive or both.

BDSM encompasses so many different activities, turn-ons, fetishes, and scenarios that listing them all would take up way too much space here. Plus, there can never be a complete list, since folks are coming up with new kinks every day. Many lists of kinks can be found on the Internet, such as the kinky social networking site
FetLife.com
, where you'll find a list of thousands of different kinks. Sites like FetLife are also good places to virtually meet others who enjoy BDSM, including people who can act as mentors as you explore the world of kink.

People sometimes make a “Yes–No–Maybe” checklist, marking
yes
for the things they'd like to do,
no
for the things they definitely don't want to do, and
maybe
for activities that fall in between. These lists help you think about what you want to try (or not) as well as assist you in communicating that information to your partner—and vice versa.

The
maybe
list is the trickiest to define, since it's often made up of activities that fall into a grey area; a “maybe” can have multiple meanings. Here are some reasons why you might check
maybe
:

Talking openly about why something ends up in the
maybe
column will give your partner insight and information about your desires, so be as open as you can.

This book is meant to be a primer for kink, so I'm going to list some of the most popular kinks suited best for beginners to this kind of erotic play. After you read the chapters that follow, which discuss these activities in more detail, come back to this checklist and talk to your partner about each entry.

Note: this list is just the beginning. Other popular kink activities not on this list include clips and clamps, bondage with suspension, genitorture, mummification, face slapping, animal role play, age play, taboo play, mindfuck, objectification, medical play, electricity play, play piercing/temporary piercing, singletail whipping, and many more. If you want to learn more about these and other more advanced BDSM activities, read my book
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
.

In addition to negotiating your wants, needs, desires, and limits for BDSM, you should also decide if there will be sexual activity as part of your play. You can write up a similar “Yes–No–Maybe” list for this kind of contact. Will there be genital touch and stimulation? Masturbation? How about penetration, oral sex, sex toys, ejaculation? As part of the negotiation process, you should also disclose when you were last tested for sexually-transmitted infections (STIs) and
decide on safer-sex practices.

Making a list of activities is like drawing the outline. Now it's time to fill in the details and get more specific. Erotic desire is in the details, so it will be helpful to you and your partners to flesh out your fantasies and figure out exactly what you want. Say you like the idea of bondage. Do you crave being restrained into submission or do you like the idea of struggling to get out of it? Perhaps you enjoy dominating. Do you prefer to give orders, create predicaments, or use someone for your pleasure? You know you're into sex-for-money fantasies where you're a prostitute—but are you a streetwalking hustler or a high-priced call girl?

As you fill in the details of your desires, decide on and communicate your limits within a certain activity, like these:

Now is also the time to tell your partner all relevant information he should know about you. Is there anything in your medical history that is serious or will affect the type of play you do? You should let a partner know if you have a heart
condition, high blood pressure, diabetes, allergies, or similar ailments. You should talk about medications you take, a sensitivity to hot or cold, if you're prone to dizziness or fainting, how well you can see without your glasses. Do you have bad knees and can't kneel for more than twenty minutes? That is vital information to tell a dominant before a scene!

Although it can be difficult, you should also share any specific elements that you know can trigger a negative reaction in you; these may be based on phobias, negative experiences, past trauma, childhood abuse, or strong aversions. They can be about a specific body part, an activity, an implement, a certain word or words. I have a friend who cannot be spanked with a hairbrush because she has awful memories of being punished as a little girl with a hairbrush by her mother. Another friend likes to be called names like
whore
or
bitch
in a scene but draws the line at
cow
or
pig
. I know a guy who has an intense fear of being strangled, so even hands around his neck can send him into a tailspin. One woman had a bad first-time experience with nipple clamps, and now they give her tremendous anxiety.