50 Shades of Kink (4 page)

This is important information to know as you decide if you're going to play with someone, what you're going to do, and how to construct a scene. This information sharing is part of giving and receiving
informed
consent; it also helps prepare you to assess the risks and determine how to play safer.

Education is a very important part of the BDSM community, and you'll find that
there is a wide variety of ways to learn kinky skills including educational books, videos, websites, classes, and events. If you're interested in spanking, flogging, sensory deprivation, or acting as a top in any other BDSM activities with a partner, it's important that you learn how to do them correctly from experienced people first. Investigate your local community to see if there is an organization that hosts classes or weekend events. Learning about proper techniques, common mistakes, safety issues, and risk reduction tips will provide you with a solid foundation. And educational classes are not just for tops; there are classes for bottoms where you can learn about negotiating skills, pain processing, and other useful information. After that, it's all about practice!

The issues of safety and responsibility have been vital for kinky people both personally and politically. People who practice BDSM have long emphasized the importance of mentoring and education so newcomers can learn proper skills before picking up a paddle or a flogger. When SM groups first became more visible, and as they continue to grow and get more politically active, kinksters want nonkinky folks to know that they aren't whip-toting lunatics.

Coined in the 1980s by an SM activist group, the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual” is a concept many kinksters embrace—it prioritizes a commitment to consent and both physical and psychological safety. Others prefer “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK). RACK also emphasizes the consensual nature of BDSM while acknowledging that some of its practices are inherently risky (and, in fact, exploring the risks and edges are part of what draws people to them). You
can make an informed decision to acknowledge the risks, take steps to reduce them, and proceed.

One way to reduce risk is to use a
safeword
. Although you negotiate and discuss limits, boundaries, and triggers before a scene, you cannot prepare for everything. It's simply impossible to predict how you'll feel during a scene, what will push your buttons, or how something will affect you.

A
safeword
is a word—usually one that you wouldn't normally utter during sex or a scene—that you and your partner choose in advance. Your safeword is your safety net. If you don't like something that's happening and you want the scene to stop right away, simply say your safeword. Words like
stop
or
no
or
please don't
, which we commonly use to communicate this sentiment in day-today life, may be part of the dialogue of a BDSM scene where the bottom wants to resist or be forced to do something. So
stop
,
no
, and the like are not ideal safewords. The most common safeword is
red
. Sometimes people pick two different words; one pair often used together are
red
and
yellow
, where red means “stop right now!” and yellow means “please slow down.” If the bottom can't speak (he has a gag in his mouth or she is supposed to perform oral sex until you tell her to stop) or the music is really loud in the dungeon, agree on a
safe signal
instead. One such signal is to have the bottom hold something in her hand during a scene, like a tennis ball; if she drops it, that means stop.

Another way to reduce risk is to know what you're doing. As I mentioned earlier, there is a tremendous emphasis on education in the BDSM community, so take advantage of the resources around you. Learn proper techniques, ask fellow
practitioners, attend classes and demonstrations by BDSM educators, and practice skills under the guidance of someone experienced. Learn the risks, the common mistakes that people make, and what is most likely to go wrong. The chance to get some hands-on practice with an experienced person is even better. Don't get tipsy or do drugs, then decide to try out your new flogger. Beginning BDSM play is just like lots of things in life: cut yourself some slack. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Use common sense.

During a scene, communication can be more of a challenge. Certainly you could do a scene where you speak freely and give your partner feedback, like this:

But there may be circumstances that prevent this kind of open dialogue. If you're striving to maintain a strong D/s dynamic in the scene, then a submissive's feedback needs to be more cleverly solicited and spoken. In fact, you can reinforce the power dynamic using words. Have the submissive ask for each slap
of your hand, count each stroke of the cane, or even beg for the next drop of hot wax. Instruct the submissive to add some
pleases
and
thank yous
after each drop or make him count each paddle strike. Not only does this move the scene along nicely, it gives the submissive the opportunity to communicate his state of mind. If he begins to wince or hesitate as he speaks, he may be nearing his limit.

Similarly, if you're in a role-playing scene, you want to stay in role. A student doesn't say to the teacher, “Do it harder!” just as a victim doesn't tell his attacker, “Please slow down.” Or maybe a bottom wants to be taken on a journey, and neither of you want there to be a lot of back-and-forth chat. You want to lose yourself in the rhythm of the flogging, the sensation of the paddle against your skin, or the feet you plan to worship before you. In some kinds of scenes, a bottom is flying so high that she slips into deep
subspace
, a trancelike state some bottoms can achieve, especially in a heavy scene, that often leaves them incoherent. In these situations, eye contact and nonverbal communication are critical. As a top, your ability to read your bottom's body language is essential. Pay attention to the bottom's breathing rate, facial expressions, how her body reacts to sensation, and whether the reaction changes. Use your judgment about whether something should continue, ratchet up, or wind down.

What happens after a scene is just as significant as what goes on during it. Think about it: you've just had an intimate experience with someone, and you need to make sure you are both all right physically and mentally. Whether you play like
you have in the past, do something for the first time, explore a new dynamic, or push harder than ever before, it's wise to check in with each other. A scene is like an extraordinary date, a high-flying adventure, or a one-of-a-kind experience—one or both of you are likely to be flooded with endorphins afterward. You might feel energized and excited, worn out and beat down, or, seemingly inexplicably, both. You may be lightheaded, feel like you've run a marathon, or seen God. You may feel exuberant, meditative, vulnerable, anxious, giddy, confused, scared, transcendent, or dumbfounded at what just happened. These sensations are all completely normal and quite common. Let the feelings, even the scary or overwhelming ones, wash over you. Take a deep breath.

Imagine you've doled out a heavy caning that tested the limits of your partner's body, pain tolerance, stamina, and perseverance. You just gave it, and good—now take care of the person who took it. If you're the top, part of your responsibility is to ensure the well-being of your bottom. First address some basic needs with questions like these: do you need to use the bathroom? Do you want to stand up (or sit down—if your bottom has been kneeling or standing during a scene)? Do you want to leave the play space and go somewhere more private, quieter, more comfortable? Are you too warm or too cold? Do you need a blanket or change of clothes? Offer water or another beverage to make sure the bottom stays hydrated and a snack to combat low blood sugar, especially if the scene involved heavy physical play. As part of your negotiation process, you should discuss any specific needs you both might have after a scene. That way, you can come prepared rather than scrambling to find an energy bar or a
sweatshirt for someone who needs it right away.

Some partners want to process their experiences and feelings about the scene right away, so you need to be prepared to do that; people may have a lot of different emotions afterward. Be ready to listen, validate, and comfort. Some people want sex play, making out, or some sweet cuddling as part of aftercare. Others just need a few kind words, a hug, and a lollipop, and they're on their way. After an intense scene, it is a good idea to follow up with a check-in a day or two later; often right after a scene, you're still in the afterglow, but later, feelings may come up that you want to discuss.
Bottom drop
is a common experience where, after the high of a scene wears off (which can take hours or days), a bottom suddenly feels sad, depressed, anxious, lonely, or confused. The antidote if you experience this drop is often to reach out to partners, friends, and loved ones for support and reassurance.

Since the bottom is the one who receives the cane strikes, the piercing needles, or the interrogation, there is often a lot of emphasis on the bottom's safety, comfort, and well-being. Do not forget that tops (and dominants and sadists) also need safewords, have limits, and want aftercare. Tops: make sure you take care of yourself, have what you may need handy, and ask for what you want. Postscene, tops may experience the malaise of
top drop
, and anyone can encounter
event drop
, which frequently happens after you get home from a fun, play-filled BDSM event. Aftercare is different for everyone; don't assume you know what someone wants—ask.

Contracts are a great way to articulate your needs, wants, limits, and boundaries. Writing a contract can help both partners think carefully about what they want, what they expect, and what they are willing to commit to. Putting it all down on paper can often clarify each partner's position in a concrete way. All that said, a contract is not
necessary
to practice BDSM with someone. What
is
necessary is communication and negotiation, and a contract can capture all that in writing. Don't think of a contract as a legal document, think of it as an erotic agreement. Don't ever use the contract as a weapon or to excuse bad behavior (“But it didn't say anything about that in our contract… ”). If you're interested in writing a contract, here are some points you can consider addressing: