Finding Divine (9 page)

Simon wanted to offer her comfort but he remained frozen to the spot, his heart pounding in his ears and his pulse racing. This couldn’t be.

Jessica wasn’t finished however. Seeming to gain her composure again, she continued with a sniff. “Jason was alive but barely. The paramedics tried to revive him but he slipped into a coma in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I only have my parents’ account of the incident, because after that, I…let’s just say I wasn’t myself for a while. I think a part of me literally shut down when I got the news.” Her sadness hit him like a gale force wind, and he could practically see it radiating from every pore.

But again he couldn’t bring himself to wrap her in his arms and soothe her pain away because he was in shock. “Beaten by a bunch of thugs?”

She nodded. “And what galls me the most about the entire thing is the three of them pleaded guilty to get a lighter sentence. During their sentence hearing, according to my father, none of them showed any real remorse. Jason had so much going for him. He had so much potential, but it was all snuffed out because some racist assholes wanted to rough up some random black kid. I get sick to my stomach when I think all of them will be out of prison in the next ten years if they get parole. They’ll be middle-aged but that’s still enough time to make a life for themselves. Maybe they’ll meet someone and fall in love and even have some kids. But Jason never had that chance. They stole it from him.” The tears freely ran down her cheeks now.

Simon’s mind screamed. This couldn’t be happening. Why was he sent this beautiful woman only for it to turn out like this? It had to be fate’s cruel joke. “When we met at the cemetery, you were visiting your brother. You said it was the anniversary of when he died, right?” He couldn’t keep his voice from wobbling but Jessica didn’t seem to notice.

“
Yes,” she whispered. “I visit him every chance I get, but especially around this time of the year.”

Simon’s world felt like it would rock off its axis. “Your last name is Smith.”

She gave him a funny look. “Uh, yeah. What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s just such a common name is all.”

“Yes. I’m sure there are millions of Smiths out there.”

“
Jason Henry Smith?” he asked, finding it difficult to breathe.

She shot him a look of surprise, and frowned. “Yes. That’s his name. How did you know that?”

In the beginning, he’d go into near panic at the name Jason Smith, but they were both such common names he’d met a handful of Jason Smiths over the years. It was only recently that he didn’t freeze up whenever he heard the name, simply putting it down as a coincidence. “I…I think I read about it somewhere. I’m sure I did now that I think of it,” he lied taking the easy way out.

“
Oh, that makes sense. It was in the papers when it happened. And he was also a star athlete in high school, so his name was in the local news quite a bit anyway. What a small world it is that you would have heard of my brother. Did you follow local high school sports? Were you by chance a fan?”

“Uh, yeah.” It was easier to lie than to tell her he was one of the thugs who was there when Jason was brutally beaten.

CHAPTER N
INE

Something was wrong. Ever since they’d come back from that walk, Simon seemed to withdraw into himself. She wondered if she’d done something or said something wrong to offend him.  Jessica had thought things were going well. Opening up about her brother hadn’t been an easy feat. She’d thought by sharing such a heartbreaking part of her life it would bring them closer, but apparently it hadn’t.

She watched him take a sip of his beer as he absently stroked Ramona behind the ears. He’d told her that he wasn’t in the mood for that motorcycle ride when they’d got back to the house, instead choosing to sit on the couch and stare into space.

Jessica sat next to him with her knees against her chest and her arms wrapped around them. A sudden chill seeped into her bones. She couldn’t wrap her head around how Simon could profess to have feelings for her one moment and then in the next second pretend she wasn’t even there. Unable to take the tense silence anymore, she tentatively reached over and touched his arm. “Simon?”

He turned his head in her direction but his stare was blank as if he were looking right through her. Her heart squeezed painfully. Had she made a mistake falling into his arms so easily? Was this his way of telling her he’d changed his mind about them?

When he flinched she immediately took her hand off his arm. She noticed his grip tighten on the beer bottle until his knuckles went white. Jessica nervously moistened her dry lips with the tip of her tongue. “Simon, I don’t know what I said or did to offend you, but I’m sorry. Won’t you please tell me what wrong?”

Again the blank gaze raked her face, saying so much but nothing at all. Tears stung the back of her eyes. She couldn’t take him treating her like this after what they’d shared, nor would she allow it. 

With a deep sigh, she stood up. “I don’t know what I did, or why you’re acting this way, but it can’t be fixed unless you tell me about it. Seeing as how you’re looking right through me not saying anything I think it’s best I head home.” She pivoted on her heel and rushed out of the room, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

As she haphazardly threw things in her suitcase, tears streamed down her face.  Jessica tried to recall the conversation they’d had earlier word for word, searching for some clue of his discontent, and why he’d suddenly shut down.

Maybe he thought she was a total head case because of the way she still grieved for her brother after so many years had passed. She’d had reservations about sharing so soon, and now she wished had trodden the path of caution. At least she’d found out he couldn’t be trusted before she got in deeper. It still hurt like hell, however. For once in a very long time someone had taken her mind off the pain and misery she’d been suffered but it had all been an illusion.

“Jessica. Don’t go.”

She whirled around to see Simon standing in the doorway, his expression still slightly dazed. “Why? Isn’t this what you wanted?” Jessica shrugged and turned back to her packing.

Simon walked into the room and took a seat on the bed. “No. This isn’t what I wanted at all. I actually came up here to apologize to you.”

She paused. “Oh?”

“I was a dick downstairs. I can’t really explain why I was acting like that, but I want you to know that it was no fault of yours. I’m the one to blame.”

Pushing the suitcase aside she sat next to him. “Then why were you acting like that? You looked at me as if I weren’t there. One minute everything was fine and then you froze me out. If we’re supposed to have some kind of relationship, is this what I have in store for me?”

“No.” He cupped her face in his palms and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

Jessica didn’t want to respond but her body betrayed her the second he touched her. She sighed against his mouth before reluctantly pulling away. “Then what’s the problem? I think I have a right to know.”

“I don’t dispute that. You do, but remember when I asked you to trust me?”

“Yes, but--”

He placed his finger against her lips to silence her. “Shh. I was wrong for the way I acted. It had nothing to do with what you did or said. I told you I had a handful of demons of my own that I still battle daily. Most times I’m good at handling them, but I have triggers that bring them to the forefront. Today was one of those times. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. And I want to tell you all about them, but right now, I just can’t.”

“Why, Simon? I’m new to this whole relationship thing, but part of being in a successful one is being able to express ourselves freely with each other. I shared a very painful part of my past with you and I’d like it if you can do the same with me.  I think we’re doomed if we keep secrets from each other at the start of you and me.”

Simon nodded, seeming to understand. “I know where you’re coming from, but the truth is…if I tell you, things will change drastically between us, and I can’t bear that now that I’ve found you. Please, just give me a little more time. I promise I will tell you. Please.” He gripped her hands in his, his expression earnest.

Jessica wanted to let it go but she had to push one more time at least. “But when—”

Simon pulled Jessica into his arms and cut her off by covering her lips with his own. His finger dug into her thick hair, holding her head firm. She pressed her palms against his chest, intending to push him away, but the moment she felt his heartbeat pounding erratically and the heat of his flesh against hers, Jessica was lost. The feel of his mouth moving ravenously over hers was enough to make her knees go weak.

Jessica was thankful she was already on the bed, otherwise she was sure her legs would fail to support her in a standing position. Her nipples hardened, pressing painfully against her top.

“Open your mouth, sweetheart and let me taste you,” he muttered, tugging gently on her hair.

She sighed, allowing him the access he desired. It was almost impossible for her to deny him anything when he held her this way. A damp heat formed between her thighs, and she desperately wanted to feel his cock inside her. It amazed her how addicted she’d become to Simon’s kisses, caresses and his delectable cock. Especially his cock.

Simon slid his tongue into her mouth, seeking, tasting, and dominating. She loved it. The hands that originally had intended to push him away clutched a fistful of his shirt, drawing him closer. Jessica couldn’t get enough of him.

Simon swept the suitcase off the bed and pushed Jessica to her back, his mouth remaining tightly sealed to hers. She pressed her body against his taut chest, reveling in the sensual feel of his hard body. This was the way things were meant to be between the two of them. Any doubts she’d had earlier dissipated as he slowly began to undress her.

She clumsily tore at his clothes wanting to feel his bare skin against hers. She needed this. Her pussy was on fire, in need of his cock. Once they were naked, Simon lay on top of her, wedging a knee between her legs.

He rained kisses over her face and neck. “Jessica, you’re so beautiful. I can’t lose you,” he muttered with an almost desperate tone.

She smiled up at him, stroking his square jaw. “You won’t lose me. Stop being silly.”

“You have no idea.”

She arched her back, grazing her tight nipples against his hair-roughened pectoral muscles. “Enough talking. Just make love to me.”

“I want to, but the condoms are in the other room.”

“So what?”

“We can’t just…”

“It’ll be just this once. The odds are in our favor.”

“It only takes once. I’m clean, I promise, but  disease isn’t the only thing we have to worry about. I wouldn’t put you at risk like that. I lo—care about you too much.”

She gasped. Was it wishful thinking on her part or had he nearly told her he loved her? “Simon?”

He shut his eyes briefly then opened then. “I didn’t mean for that to come out,” he whispered not to deny the unspoken question.

Her heart swelled to near busting. Damn. She loved him too. It was crazy to fall in love so quickly but there was no arguing with her feelings. “Why? Is it because you don’t mean it? I hope that’s not the case because I love you too, Simon. I think I started falling for you over coffee that first day, and I think I had a pretty good idea the first time we made love, but I didn’t know when it would be appropriate to bring it up. I know it’s soon and I’m scared as hell, but I can’t help the way I feel.”

He searched her face with a darkened blue gaze. Simon stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. “Do you mean it, Jessica?”

She nodded and smiled, feeling shy all of a sudden. Jessica hoped he didn’t leave her in suspense too long and said the words back.

He pressed a light kiss against his forehead. “I love you too. I think I loved you from the moment I first saw you. We were meant to be together, Jessica. I knew it almost instantly, but it won’t be easy for us.”

She frowned at his cryptic words. “What do you mean? Is it because of race? I don’t care what other people say. It’s their problem, not ours.”

Simon shook his head. “That wasn’t what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“No matter what happens, just know that my feelings for you were—are real.”

That didn’t really answer her query. In fact  Simon’s statement brought even more questions to her mind.  “You’re confusing me.”