Graceful Ashes (19 page)

“Don’t I always?”

“Touché.”

“Okay then…have fun in the dark.”

“Shut your face.” I groaned before ending the call.

Our friendship would never get old, no matter how fucked up our conversations might be.

Thankfully my phone had enough battery to last well into the morning if I didn’t use it. I clicked it off, grabbed the flashlight from the kitchen and padded into my bedroom. The apartment was cooling, which is how I liked it during the cold months. I’d rather pile on blankets and clothes instead of sweating to death and having nothing to remove.

I slipped out of my clothes, quickly washed my body off since a shower wasn’t going to happen in the dark, and dressed in a pair of jogging pants with a plain grey tank top. The book I’d been reading the night before called me from the nightstand but I didn’t want to run the batteries down on the flashlight incase the electricity didn’t turn back on soon. So me and the silence were to be intimate companions for the night.

His hand slipped around my neck as his mouth devoured mine. The taste of marijuana was thick on his tongue as our mouths molded to one another’s. My insides fluttered when his free hand slid down the front of my unbuttoned jeans, smoothing over my most sensitive area. My hips bucked from the feel of his hand on me as my eyes closed and a low moan rolled up my throat.

I wanted him more than I have ever wanted anyone in my life. But he was only around for a good time; I knew that deep in my soul. “Touch me.” I managed to whisper into his mouth. Hoping he would understand that I wanted more than his hands resting against me, I wanted him to explore my body like no one else had. I craved for him to do things to me that I’d allowed no one else to do. I needed him to show me how good my body could feel with the right person.

“This is mine.” He growled as two of his fingers slipped inside of me.

I moaned loudly as he pushed his thumb against my ball of nerves and moved it in small agonizing circles. I’d never been touched in the way he was touching me by anyone but myself, and boy was it mind-blowing having someone else do it. It shattered any form of pleasure I could give myself into a million pieces.

“It’s yours.” I breathlessly agreed.

His fingers pumped in and out of me at a steady rate. The hand that cupped the back of my neck smoothed around my collarbone and slid down my bare chest. Tingling sensations ran down my body as he palmed my breast, massaging the mound with his hand.

My chest heaved with each breath as I climbed higher and higher into the bliss that he was giving me. Every inch of my nerve endings buzzed with pleasure as he hooked the two fingers inside me upward and rubbed his thumb faster against me. I called out his name as my entire world exploded into a million pieces at the massive rush of ecstasy.

“I love you, Zoey,” he said between peppering kisses across my jaw line on his path to my mouth.

My eyes were full of tears as he lifted his head and looked me square in the eyes.

“Hendrix…” I gasped.

“Yeah, baby?”

I lunged forward in the bed gasping for air and covered in a sheen layer of sweat. An ache settled low in my belly. “What was that…?” I rubbed my legs together then sighed and flopped back against my pillow. Never in my life had I experienced a dream like that one, and boy, did I wish it was real.

Chapter Nineteen

I dabbed my face with a towel someone handed me as I exited the stage. The performance was coming to a close, leaving me to stand by for the closing bows and then I was done for the night. The performance had been an earlier one than usual, because the holidays were rolling around.

“Great job!” Rick called out from across the room. He winked.

I smiled proudly back at him.

Other dancer’s filed off stage and waited silently beside me. We were all exhausted from performing back-to-back shows, but the feel of each crowd was different, making it well worth our exhaustion.

As the final scene came to a close and the lights dimmed I took a long pull from the bottle of water then set it on the table along with the towel I’d used to dry my face.

We filed back out onto the stage and formed the same line we did every night to take our bows. The house lights sprung to life and the crowd followed. Applause and cheers filled the room as we smiled and bowed. The crowd’s praise and appreciation for our performance would never get old. Their outpouring of love and affection for Broadway humbled me. I owed the experience not only to Rick for seeing my potential, but also Clara for tracking me down and pushing me to audition. Broadway was becoming my saving grace from my past, and I could only hope that it would continue to be.

Everyone from the production gathered backstage as Rick congratulated us on another outstanding performance. He said with each night our performance got better and better, that we were quickly becoming the best group of people that he’d had the opportunity to work with. I believed every word he said because his tone was laced with love and genuine admiration. After hearing his story about losing his dream, I was glad to see that he truly cared for Broadway and the people who helped keep it going year after year. Rick was an example for rebuilding your life in a different way once you fall from the grace of your initial dreams. I looked up to him for that.

I snuck off once the speeches from everyone were complete and quickly grabbed my things. My body was calling for some delicious Thai food from a tiny little place that was a block from my apartment then a night of relaxing on the couch. I slipped into the long red pea coat Talon had gotten me the last time they’d come to visit and tossed the strap to my duffle bag onto my shoulder. To avoid getting sidetracked by any of my fellow performers, I headed for the lobby exit. Although normally I loved to chat with them, I wasn’t feeling talkative for once.

The sound of my booted feet as I walked disappeared into the chatter of the stragglers. I was always amazed me when people hung around. My heart and soul smiled knowing they didn’t want to let go of the high from watching the show. A wide grin spread across my face as I caught sight of a couple around my age embracing as the tall man lovingly kissed his woman’s forehead. As much as I craved for something like that, I was happy I wasn’t bitter or jealous when I saw others in love. Yes, at one point in time it stung like a Band-Aid being ripped off. But as the saying goes…all things heal with time, or at least they get covered in the back of your mind until something pulls them back to the front.

I gazed at the couple not paying to attention to where I was walking until I collided with someone, knocking us both to the ground. My entire weight landed on them and we both huffed from the sudden encounter.

“I’m so sorry!” I quickly rolled off the person without glancing at them. Embarrassment clouded my mind as I gathered the things that had spilled out of my purse and reached for my duffle bag.

“It’s okay.”

I faintly heard a baritone voice through the thumping of the pulse in my ears. I shook my head as I tossed the last two items back into my purse. When I went to stand, the man placed a hand on my arm. The feeling that rushed through me from his touch caught me off guard. I gasped as my head snapped up and my eyes connected with a familiar set of navy eyes swirled with grey.

It couldn’t be…

As I focused on
those
eyes, we both stood and my mouth stayed slack. A few beats of silence passed as my hands trembled.
This couldn’t be real? It wasn’t…
My mind fumbled with its thoughts. The sound of him clearing his throat made me realize that he’d dropped his hand from my arm.

“Hey…” he nervously said.

Finally I took in the man standing before me. His long curls had been replaced by a short cropped cut, but scruff still shadowed his jaw line. The intensity I felt whenever I looked into his eyes hadn’t changed.  That intensity had been the number one thing about him that had set me on fire and now, I was pretty sure my body was about to combust into flames.

“Hendrix…” I breathlessly whispered as I adjusted the strap of my duffle bag.

As if we were the same people we used to be, he slipped the strap from my shoulder and slid it onto his own. That’s when I noticed his usual dark jeans and solid color shirt wasn’t hugging his perfectly sculpted body, instead a slate grey button-up tucked into black slacks with a thick black belt holding them in place covered his body. A heavy black pea coat completed his ensemble with a pair of diamond stud earrings in his ears.

My eyes rolled back up his body to find him watching me with that same amused smirk that used to kill me. Heat consumed me as I stood without any words leaving my mouth, as if the entire world had fallen away, leaving us awkward and mute.

“How have you been?” Hendrix finally broke the silence.

“Umm…” I rubbed a hand through my hair. “I’ve been…uh…good.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. The one person who had been on my mind for weeks was standing before me. The same person who’d led me down the path that destroyed my dreams. I couldn’t hold him accountable for that, though. My heart raced like horses galloping wild through a pasture as I reached for my duffle bag.

“I can take that.” I dropped my gaze to the bag so I didn’t have to stare at him any longer. My flight instinct had kicked in. I wanted so badly to haul ass out of there and pretend that the little encounter never happened.

“Look at me, Zoey.”

Hendrix’s voice dropped an octave and I sucked in a breath at the intensity in his tone. My mind and body were on the fritz and I had no hope of calming myself while he was around.

I shook my head.

My refusal was childish, but I couldn’t risk looking into his eyes once more. My heart was cracking all over again and we’d barely said more than “hi.” Why was he standing before me? Had he watched the show? Was he here with someone? I couldn’t handle seeing him with someone else.
That
would gut me.

With my head still bowed I choked out, “I really need to go.” But much like the Hendrix I used to know, he stepped closer to me and gently lifted my chin. My eyes connected with his as they fluttered open and I knew in that moment I was a goner if I didn’t get away from him as soon as possible.

“Give me two minutes of your time,” he said.

“Hendrix…” My raspy plea didn’t sound convincing to me, so I knew it didn’t to him.

“That’s all I ask.” He held up two fingers. “Two minutes.”

A heavy sigh escaped me and Hendrix lips curled into a full-blown smile that I’d craved for so long to see again. My hands shook as I waited for him to say something…anything…the anticipation of what he wanted to talk about was killing me.

“What do you want, Hendrix?” I whispered.

A humorless laugh escaped him and he ran a hand down the back of his neck. “What I want, I fucked up a long time ago.”

His confession made my lungs feel like they were closing off and all oxygen was leaving me. My heart ached deep in my chest as I closed my eyes, praying the tears pooling in them wouldn’t fall.

The warmth of his hands smoothing up my arms caused me to shiver. I refused to open my eyes fearing what I’d see in Hendrix’s would crush me into a million tiny little pieces. My heart was a feeble thing, so the last thing I needed was him barreling back into my life like a wrecking ball, smashing and demolishing the walls I had built around my heartache from the past. Even if the love I had for him then felt fresh and new deep in my heart and soul.

“I know sorry is a cliché of a word, but I have to say it, Zoey. I’m so fucking sorry for everything I did to you. I was careless, reckless, and only cared about making a dollar back then. No matter who I trampled on, or put in harm’s way, in the process. My head wasn’t clear…”

I my eyes opened to see why he’d stopped talking; which was a big mistake. The intensity in his beautiful stormy blues brought back all of the emotions that I’d bundled together and pushed away like old photos stuffed into a box labeled in thick black marker:
Do Not Open
.

He smiled a sad, yet genuine smile.

“You looked unbelievably happy on that stage tonight,” he said.

“You watched the show?”

“That’s why I’m here,” he softly replied.

He’d come to watch me?
“How’d you know I was back in New York? Let alone part of a Broadway presentation?”

His eyes softened as he chuckled. “I was skimming through the paper the other night and landed on a photo collage of some of the new shows here this season. I knew as soon as my eyes landed on your face that it was you. I didn’t have to read your name in the caption. That wide beautiful smile that touched your eyes, to the way you stood tall with your hand in the air before a bow I’m assuming…I knew one hundred percent that it was you.”

“You came to see me?” I brought my hand up to my chest.

“Yes,” he replied the instant the question left my mouth.

“I’m—I can’t…”
What do I say?

“I know you had your reasons for not telling me that you were leaving, but that’s the past. I’d like to get to know the
you
that you’ve become. If you’d let me.”

He thrust a hand over his cropped hair like
d
he’d forgotten his curls were no longer there.

My heart ached like it was about to combust from the emotions pulsing through me. I was on the brink of a break down, and the last place I wanted to be was in the middle of the lobby where I worked so everyone who was hanging around could witness it.

“I can’t do this, Hendrix.” My words shook as they passed my lips. “I can’t travel down that same road again…I lost too much of myself that I’m just now getting back.”

The pain etched across Hendrix face quickly morphed to a solemn one. “I’m not asking you for something serious…I’m asking for a chance to be friends. Maybe grab a coffee, lunch, or simply hang out with the people we’re surrounded by now-a-days. That’s it, Zoey. I know the chance I had to make you mine left the moment you left New York. I’m not naïve, or searching for a Hell Mary. I’m just hoping to have a little of your time when you’re willing to give it to me…if you’re willing to give it to me.”

Every single memory we’d made together flashed through my mind: the good, the bad, and the in-between. As much as I wanted to cave and say we could spend time together again, deep down I was terrified to open the door between us once more. Love was a fickle thing, and I was far from knowing how to handle it.

I placed my hand over his heart and looked up into his eyes. “I need time, Hendrix.”

His hand covered mine and he squeezed.

The butterflies jarred to life within my stomach once again as we stood silent, our gazes locked on one another.

Many emotions played within his eyes before he nodded his head ever so slightly and dropped his hand from mine. “I understand.”

An ache
d
settled in my chest. Not the same kind of ache that I experienced the first time I walked away from Hendrix. This ache mimicked the way regret made me feel. That’s how I knew what I’d decided to do wasn’t right. That’s how I knew walking away from Hendrix after only telling him I needed time wasn’t how this encounter was supposed to end. So instead of collecting my things and leaving with a simple goodbye, I slipped my cellphone out of my pocket and asked for his number. A sly smile crept across his face as he rambled off each digit so I could store it in my phone.

With a long tight hug we said our goodbyes and I stepped out into the cold night’s air with my head in a frenzy and my heart full of mixed emotions. Hendrix had come barreling back into my life much like he’d done the first time, but I could only pray for no casualties on the second go-round.