Healing Faith (32 page)

Nathan looked around worriedly but nodded. His nerves
set me on edge, enough that I glanced around, looking for whatever
trouble he was surveying. I didn't see anything out of the
ordinary. We passed a few cars that had occupants in them, the
windows cloudy from whatever was going on inside, leaving me to
wonder if the occupants were Amish or English. Nathan looked a
little longer at the rocking cars until he realized what was going
on, and then he turned quickly and held me a little tighter.

I smiled to myself at how innocent Nathan really
seemed. I was innocent by my world's standards; I knew what was
going on in the cars. But to see Nathan's reaction, I had to wonder
if his buggy was big enough for any sort of make out session. No,
it would probably spook the horses.

"What are you chuckling over?" he whispered, his lips
beside my ear.

I opened my mouth to try and come up with something
to say when suddenly I felt Nathan's grip tighten on me and he
slowed down. I turned to look in the direction he was staring at. I
watched as a tall man made his way towards us. He had nearly black
close-cropped hair and his dark eyes were slightly sunken in like
he didn't eat enough. His clothes were worn, the old concert
t-shirt he wore was nearly threadbare and he had a hole working its
way through one knee of his faded jeans. His overall appearance
made him look like he was an Outsider, but his words made me
question that.

"Fisher, my friend!" he said in a throaty voice, like
he smoked too many cigarettes. Nathan slowed to a stop and clutched
at me a little harder, staring at the man hard.

"Benjamin," Nathan replied and nodded curtly.

The man slowed to a stop a few feet from us, taking
in first Nathan and then his eyes moved over me appreciatively.

"It's Ben now. You know, new life and all. Who is
this, Nathan? Are you finally taking your Rumspringa? Come to see
the better life?" he said grinning as he watched us.

"How are you Benjamin? Your mother misses you,"
Nathan said quietly, holding me fast.

The man's smile faltered at mention of his mother and
he looked instead to me.

"I have not seen you, has Nathan trekked to another
community to find his wife? I know he was never really interested
in the girls at home," he quipped.

"What have you been up to, Benjamin?" Nathan
sidetracked once more.

"You know, a little of this. A little of that.
Working in the mill. Partying it up. Has Father finally roped you
into his fold?" he asked, still eyeing me.

I was starting to feel uncomfortable under his gaze.
Nathan knew him, but felt nervous around him, if his tight grip on
me was any clue. His fingers were beginning to make my hip ache
from the pressure, something entirely new, at least from
Nathan.

"It is good to see you again, Benjamin. Your family
misses you. I can send them your regards if you like?" Nathan
continued coolly.

Benjamin frowned and took a step back, shaking his
head. He pulled out a joint and rolled it nervously between his
fingers, taking another step back.

"They don't miss me. Naomi is here and didn't even
say hello. I get it. Remember, I lived the same as you? Whatever,
have a good time. Nice to meet you," he said looking back at me
briefly before turning and walking away, lighting up as he
went.

Nathan let out a soft breath and pulled me along,
away from Benjamin and towards where Emma and John had gone, into
the barn.

"Who was that, Nathan?" I asked and glanced back to
see Benjamin join a couple of other men in the shadow of the barn.
One man was Steve; the other was a tall, thin blond man. All three
looked back our way briefly before turning to talk amongst
themselves and pass around the joint.

Nathan remained quiet as we walked.

"Nathan? Who was that?" I asked again.

"Benjamin Yoder. The Bishop's son," he replied simply
and moved us along.

"So, he left the community?" I asked, wondering how
he knew Nathan.

"Some of us find your world more enticing and never
return. Benjamin preferred this life rather than following in his
father’s footsteps," Nathan replied forcefully and drew to a sudden
stop.

He shook his head and looked down at the ground.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to infer your world was
bad. It is just that Benjamin was my friend. It is difficult to see
him as he is now," he whispered and looked up at me with sad
eyes.

"What happened?" I asked, afraid to ask. I looked
back towards where Benjamin had been, but the space where they had
stood was now empty. Nathan took my hand and held it tight, pulling
us back towards the barn once more.

"Benjamin went on his Rumspringa early this year,
right after my family," he started, pausing at the mention of his
family. He cleared his throat and continued.

"He was considered for taking over for his father
when he retired. I was also, as soon as we both were to be
baptized, it would be the natural plan for us to be voted in as
ministers, and from there, one of us would be chosen as Bishop.
When my family died, I stepped away, withdrew. I did not want to
talk with anyone. Benjamin tried. He was like my brother. I did not
want the reminder of family then. He tried everything. Benjamin
even tried to get me to come with him on Rumspringa right after I
buried my mother, but I could not. How could I?" he asked, his
voice a little rough.

"So Benjamin went without you," I guessed.

He nodded.

"I should have gone with him. Mark told me that he
had become friends with some Englishers, the ones who supply these
parties. He started drinking in excess, and then soon smoking. His
friends worked at the mill with he and Mark, so Mark saw how
Benjamin began to falter. So did his father," Nathan continued.

"I’m sure the Bishop was not happy with his son
living the wild English life," I whispered.

"It was his Rumspringa. That was the excuse at least.
But he was overzealous in the lifestyle, openly defying his own
life. The final straw for the Bishop was when he found out he had
gotten an English girl pregnant. Benjamin was given a choice. Her
or the community," Nathan replied.

"He picked the girl," I said, understanding even more
why the Bishop hated me. He expected me to pull Nathan away as
well.

Nathan let out a harsh laugh and shook his head.

"It was never really about the girl. As far as I
know, she ended the pregnancy. Benjamin was in it for the drugs.
That one time I came here, that was all he talked about. It was all
he wanted me to try. It was tempting, given how I was feeling," he
said, his voice trailing off towards the end.

“Is that who Naomi is? His ex-girlfriend?” I
asked.

He chuckled and shook his head, looking around.

“No, Naomi is his youngest sister,” he said and then
frowned. “The Bishop had hoped I would marry her.”

“Oh,” I murmured and looked down, realizing just how
complicated Nathan’s life was.

“I was not interested in Naomi,” he said and brushed
my cheek with a fingertip, tilting my head up so that he could
smile down at me.

“No?” I asked, fighting my doubts.

“Like Benjamin said,” he whispered and brushed his
lips to mine. “I was never interested in the girls of my
community.”

I smiled into his lips and let him guide me towards
the barn ahead of us, his arm wrapped possessively around me. As I
looked around, I could now see more of the temptations that were
there for the naive Amish as they entered. Beer kegs lined up one
side of the barn, couples emerging from the dilapidated stalls,
which offered little privacy. A teenage boy near the stalls was
handing out condoms to other boys discreetly as they stepped up,
their girlfriends sucking down drinks and dancing to the music a
few feet away.

It wasn't only Amish couples; there was a healthy mix
of English and Amish walking around. A lot of English men had Amish
girlfriends. A couple emerged from one of the stalls, the girl a
little disheveled, the boy grinning and holding her close as they
made their way back into the party. As soon as they had left the
stall, another couple stepped in, disappearing behind the door.

It instantly made me remember the nightmare about
Sean.

Nathan would never, but there were a lot of boys
around looking to find someone willing. All it took was one
misstep. I understood better why Nathan wanted me to stay close.
All too clearly I could imagine that night with Hannah and I knew
she was stronger than me. There was nothing here to protect me.

Except Nathan.

As we stepped inside further, I could smell the
pungent smell of cigarettes, as well as the more exotic fragrance
of pot mixed in. I turned my head away when I saw the heavier drugs
in the darkest corner. It seemed every corner of the barn had some
vice that wasn't on the Amish list of rules to live by. This was
every temptation they could throw at themselves, with no one to
tell them no.

Faith could very well falter amidst so much
temptation.

A band was set up to one side, playing so loudly it
was difficult to hear inside the barn. I saw Emma and John near the
dance floor, Emma's eyes taking in the entire spectacle. She looked
a little overwhelmed. She held onto John a little closer and spoke
to him near his ear, shaking her head. I tapped Nathan on the arm
and motioned towards them, wanting to stay close to Emma given all
the diversions around us.

I didn't want Emma to end up like Benjamin, or worse
Hannah.

"It is so loud!" she yelled to me when we stepped up
to her. I nodded and motioned towards the door leading out the back
of the barn. She shook her head and pointed towards the dance
floor.

"I want to dance first!" she said. I glanced at
Nathan, who was looking around the room as if danger lurked in
every corner.

It did, and it seemed Nathan knew that.

Sex, drugs and Rock and Roll.

This was my world to them.

"Please, can we dance?" Emma asked again, tugging on
my sleeve.

I nodded, grasping Nathan's hand and moving him to
where other couples were dancing. He paused at first, wrinkling his
forehead until I smiled and pulled him a little harder and leaned
into him.

"Come on, let's dance," I said into his ear.

He offered me a timid smile and moved with us onto
the dance floor. The music was too fast for my liking, not that I
liked to dance at all. I had two left feet when it came to dancing,
but Nathan was just as timid as we stood facing one another.
Glancing over at Emma, she was giggling and laughing as John held
her close and pulled her around the small space, twirling her
around with a smile and gentlemanly grace.

He was used to these parties I supposed, if I
understood Nathan right when he had said John had gone to many of
them in the past, after Emma had refused him. It made me wonder if
John felt a pull towards this life.

I hoped not.

Nathan glanced over at John and mimicked his hands on
me, wrapping one arm around my waist, the other taking my hand and
holding it to his chest. He pulled me close and swayed softly,
ignoring the beat of the music until the band switched songs,
slowing it down for the couples to dance closer. Nathan leaned in;
his lips close to my ear. I could feel his breath against me as we
danced, a gentle exhale as he held me.

"Your world is so different than ours. It is
difficult for me to believe you lived like this," he breathed into
my ear.

I pulled away to look up into his eyes. They seemed
so sad.

"This isn't my world, Nathan. This is the extreme of
my world.”

He looked around at what he could see.

"You do not have parties like this?" he asked,
nodding towards the teens that were drinking from the beer
kegs.

"We do, but it isn't our every day lives. It wasn’t
something I was interested in," I explained carefully, not wanting
to dredge up those last few times at parties with Sean.

They were a lot like this, and I had been
uncomfortable there. Strangely, I felt much safer at this party
with Nathan holding me. Sean had been the danger then.

"Have you tasted alcohol?" he asked softly, pulling
me back to the present.

"Yes, once,” I said and tried to shove the memories
aside.

“Have you?" I asked in return.

He frowned and didn't answer me, turning me towards
the corner where the smokers hung out.

"Have you smoked before, Kate?" he asked.

"No, never. You?" I asked, worried that maybe he had
done far more than I had that one time he had come.

Maybe Nathan was worldlier than me.

"No," he murmured and pulled me close again. His face
was troubled, his entire body tense. "I just wonder what your life
was like before. This is what I know of your world.”

"I haven't done drugs, haven't stolen, and haven’t
murdered anyone. I kept to myself mostly, Nathan. I studied hard,
and I tried my best to be a good person. This was something that
Sean enjoyed, not me," I continued, watching as Nathan's face grew
more serious as he listened to me.

I shook my head and dropped the subject, resting my
head on his shoulder to avoid looking up into his troubled eyes. He
held me close as we swayed. His heated body against mine made me
sweat, the inside of the barn too hot to stay for long. Emma tapped
us on the shoulder after a few songs and motioned for the far doors
outside, where we could see other people gathered. Nathan nodded
and pulled me out into the cool night air.

Outside, couples relaxed in small patches, talking
softly amongst themselves. A few small groups sat together by a
small fire, laughing and smiling. This was much more relaxed than
inside, but you could still see the beer bottles and cigarettes
being passed around. We settled in to a blanketed spot that had
just been vacated by a few teens, the couples moving towards the
darkened recesses of the yard and out into the corn field.