Healing Faith (31 page)

"Your skin is so soft here," he whispered as his
finger traced lightly against me.

I watched him, his eyes following along in sweet
innocent wonder as he marveled at how the skin goose fleshed at the
lightest brush of the rough tip of his finger. A white-hot torrent
rushed through me when he skirted just under the sleeve of my
dress. I couldn't help the soft shiver that ran down my body,
something I was finding I liked feeling when Nathan touched me.

But his touch paused, and when I glanced up into his
eyes they were dark, his brow slightly puckered with tortured
contemplation.

"I know what it is I do," he murmured. It wasn't an
arrogant statement, just an innocent observation.

Dear God, did he really know?

Because if he did, surely he knew this was by all
accounts sinful and against the rules. I must have made a noise,
for he looked up at me with such innocent eyes I felt lost for a
moment.

"Is it wrong?" I asked quietly, stilling his hand as
it moved to draw away.

That molten rush ran through me once more at the tiny
quirk of his lips.

"Does it feel good?" he offered when his finger
slipped once more beneath the fabric.

I could only nod. Every sense was stupefied with that
tingling feeling inside of me. His grin widened and his eyes
creased up, a hint of mischief in them as he let out a measured
sigh.

"Then it must be wrong," he murmured, and let his
fingertip linger there under the fabric for a moment before
slipping back out to trace down to the inside of my elbow once
more.

Hours after he had left, I could still feel the heat
of him there along the inside of my arm. And just the thought of
him touching me there offered me that flush I was beginning to
desire whenever I was with him. If he could do that to me with just
that simple touch, I had to wonder what it would be like
elsewhere.

Most definitely sinful.

I was not sure which was worse. A sulking Emma or an
over-excited Emma. Ever since Nathan consented to going to the
gathering, every day was full of quiet questions about my world.
The world I wanted to forget about. She asked everything from the
very basic questions to ones I felt uncomfortable answering, mainly
because it made clear just how little I really knew.

I had no idea about current fashion. I had no idea
what girls talked about at parties. I had no idea what boyfriends
and girlfriends really did either. I felt that maybe I was just as
unprepared for this party as the Amish youth were.

Maybe more.

Friday came, and with it came a feeling of
trepidation.

The more I spoke with Emma, the more I worried that
this party would be a temptation for Nathan and I to go a little
further with our relationship. It both thrilled me and terrified
me. Perhaps that was some of his reservations also. Each night as
we sat together, his hand would trace a little further. He would
become a little bolder with his comfort, until last night I felt
his touch along my neck, feather light over and around my ear and
then down the length of my neck to the edge of my dress.

I would listen to his breathing pick up when he felt
my skin heat from his touch, and I would know when he was about to
draw away, the temptation too much for him as we sat there on the
swing. We let Emma and John spend their time near the barn, never
walking far from the house and never having a moment alone.

Nathan continued to respect me in the presence of the
Bergers.

Without the threat of Jonah or Fannie there to forbid
us any alone time, how far would Nathan take our relationship?

How far would I?

And how would it appear to the Elders that we went
together?

Fannie had been quiet about her feelings when she
learned we were going. Emma explained it was not up to the parents
to allow or deny their children their experiences, only to hope for
the best. The idea of Fannie and Jonah not putting up a fight just
made me more nervous. So as I sat there watching Emma brush her
hair for the tenth time, I fidgeted and thought instead about what
might happen at this gathering.

A tap at the window long after Fannie and Jonah had
gone to bed had Emma jumping up to check the window.

"It is John!” she exclaimed, covering her mouth at
her excitement.

“I want to go too,” Abigail pouted from her bed, but
her yawn belied her eagerness to go.

“Go to sleep!” Emma chided and grabbed her head
covering.

I patted down my hair and pulled my cover back on, my
nerves peaking as the moment was at hand. Emma grabbed my hand and
pulled me down the stairs, stopping short when we saw Fannie by the
door. She was in her shift, her hair down. And a nervous look in
her eyes as she took us into her arms and hugged us.

"Be safe tonight," she whispered, and her voice
cracked from the strain. We squeezed her tight, offering her a
little comfort before stepping away into the night.

As soon as the night air hit us, I paused a moment
and looked back at Fannie as she stood in the doorway. She smiled
and raised her hand in a singular wave, and then slowly closed the
door, sending us on our way. When I turned back, I saw John and
Nathan standing by the road. I smiled when I noticed Nathan was
still in his Amish clothes, as was John. They understood we would
be nervous, and the idea of seeing Nathan in a pair of blue jeans
and a T-shirt would weaken me. I took Nathan's hand when we were
close enough and smiled when he leaned down to kiss me on the
cheek.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked when we started
down the road.

I nodded and gripped his hand a little tighter.

"Steve is waiting for us down the road. He will drive
us to the gathering," John was saying.

As we crested the hill I saw a car, an old Buick that
looked like it had seen the last of its days. And leaning against
it was a tall formidable man. He watched us as we neared, his dark
eyes following us as he sipped on a soda. When John approached, the
man straightened and nodded to Nathan and me.

"I thought it was just you and your girl. It's gonna
be tight," he said in a deep southern drawl, and motioned us
towards the car. Looking in, I noticed we were not his only ride.
In the front seat sat a pretty girl in pigtails and overly done
makeup, and in the back seat there was already another couple, lip
locked and intertwined in each other.

"Saddle up, kids. Free lap dances tonight it seems!"
Steve exclaimed and watched as John and then Emma climbed in, John
wrapping his hands around Emma's waist as she settled into his
lap.

I could hear Nathan swallow as he contemplated
getting in.

"Can't wait all night, Fisher. Now or never," Steve
said and slipped into the driver’s seat, starting the engine.

"It'll be okay," I whispered and squeezed his hand
encouragingly. He shook his head and slipped into the car, his
hands outstretched for me to get in. I had told him it would be
okay. But I knew this was just the first hurdle we would face
tonight. I swallowed down my nerves and crawled into the car,
feeling his hands grasp at my hips, keeping me firmly in place on
his lap while I tried to adjust to get more comfortable. The car
lurched into motion, propelling me back into him, and forcing one
of his arms to wrap around me protectively.

Settled in against him, I could feel him let out a
heavy breath into my shoulder and felt his hand on my hip try to
adjust me forward. At first I thought I might be crushing him,
until I adjusted a little against him. And he let out another heavy
breath. And he tensed beneath me.

Oh.

I wrapped my hand around his at my waist and squeezed
it, hoping I could relay to him silently that everything would be
all right. But when he squeezed me in return, pulling me back a
little against him and letting out another breath, I knew we were
in for an interesting night. He made another adjustment under me,
another heavy breath, and a flexing of his hand along my stomach,
splaying his fingertips across my quivering belly.

It was my turn to swallow and let out a long breath.
Because feeling him under me was something I wanted to feel more
of, and I knew that would only upset him more than he already was
at the moment. It was as if some higher power truly wanted to tempt
us, knowing we would ultimately fail.

I felt Nathan clutch me to him and still his movement
beneath me. Even then, the car's journey seemed to keep me moving
against him, no matter how tightly he held me against him. We had
been riding for some time when we finally hit a dirt road; one that
was rough and caused us to move against one another in ways I knew
made him uncomfortable. Just when he seemed to have himself in
control, the bumps and jogging of the car had me rubbing against
him again. I could feel him harden further against me, and I bit my
lip to keep from groaning.

Would he be disgusted with me if he knew feeling him
beneath me worked me up as much as from a simple kiss?

I knew it was wrong.

His body simply reacted; he couldn't help the
instinctual biology. But it was making my body heat up in the most
incredible ways. He was so close to me, hard and moving just far
enough away to make me want to cry out in frustration. Feeling his
hand tighten his hold and his breath warm my neck as he pulled me
close on the rough road made me want to do so many things to him. I
felt depraved while secretly I enjoyed it.

Gone was the need to prove how I could be respectful
and sweet. I wanted more from him and I wanted to give him more of
myself. It was not something I was used to. Every time I had been
alone with Sean, every time he begged me to touch him, I never felt
anything more than revulsion. Nathan sparked something else in me
entirely, a deep-seated desire that flared to life at every touch.
The need to be with him was slowing consuming me.

Every day I fell a little harder for Nathan
Fisher.

Everyday I needed a little more of him.

So as we pulled down the road leading to the barn
that was obviously the gathering place with its lights and music
playing, I felt my heart leap into my throat. It was truly in the
middle of nowhere, the only light for miles it seemed were the barn
itself and the cars near it as they pulled in. We were out of sight
from any one who might stop us from doing anything against the
rules.

We were on our own.

That idea terrified me.

Not because I was afraid of Nathan.

He was not Sean.

I closed my eyes and leaned into Nathan, gripping his
hand tightly to feel his strength and his tenderness against me.
Nathan was a different creature entirely. He had never forced
himself on me. Had never pushed.

I had faith in him.

Perhaps Nathan had healed me in some ways. At the
very least I trusted him.

I wasn’t so sure about myself.

We pulled into a space and stopped a good distance
from the barn; there were so many cars and trucks littering the
yard, as well as a number of buggies on the outskirts. It was
strange; there was not a house anywhere near the barn. And the barn
looked old, falling apart in some areas where the light burst
through from inside. It had long been abandoned.

Steve glanced back and shot us a quick grin.

"Be back here at one, or you walk home," he drawled
and swung his keys in his fingers as he laughed.

Steve got out of the car, as well as his girl in the
front and moved immediately towards the barn. The couple beside us
slipped out on their side without a word or a glance back, leaving
Emma, John, Nathan and me in the car. Emma slid off John hurriedly
and grabbed at his hand, tugging him out from the empty side of the
car.

"Come! Katherine! Let us go!" Emma exclaimed and
clung to John in a tight embrace as she waited for us to
emerge.

I opened the door and shifted my weight on top of
Nathan so that I could turn and look at him. His eyes were clamped
shut, his lips tight as he breathed through flared nostrils. I
leaned in and brushed my lips to his cheek, forcing his eyes to
open, the pain and embarrassment clear.

"I am so sorry," he croaked and moved to push me away
from him, away from what I knew he was embarrassed over.

I shook my head and leaned in once more towards his
lips, one hand drifted up to the side of his head, holding him in
place.

"Please don't say you're sorry. It's all right. It’s
natural, Nathan," I whispered against his lips.

He swallowed and let out a stuttered breath, kissing
me quickly.

"I think I need a moment," he whispered and forced an
uncomfortable smile when I patted him on the shoulder.

It probably wouldn't do him any good if I had told
him I liked it and wanted more, to be closer. I slid out of the car
and looked around briefly, surprised by the number of cars parked
around the barn. The music carried loudly out from the inside of
the barn, something much like hard rock and roll. It was hard to
tell, as it was distorted by the building and the screams and
laughter mixed in.

I felt Nathan's hand slip around my waist, and I
glanced up at him as he held me close, his look a little tense as
he took in our surroundings as well. He shook his head and grimaced
before looking down at me.

"Promise me you will stay beside me all night? I do
not want to think," he stammered, trailing off when I touched his
face with my hand to ease him.

"I'm not leaving your sight tonight," I assured
him.

"As with you, Emma. You stay with me all night," John
was saying, suddenly serious.

She pouted and nodded.

"You are so worried. We will be fine tonight,” she
chided and pulled John a little towards the barn, motioning for us
to follow.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" I asked as we
started to move.