I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (32 page)

My boyfriend asks me what I like and don’t like, so I tell him and show him exactly how I want to be touched. His techniques I like best are when he uses lots of lube and massages my clitoris with his middle finger. He asks me how I want it, so I tell him faster, slower, harder, in circles.

Third, he checks in with his partner to find out how her clit likes to be touched, realizing that this likely changes as her arousal climbs. Watching her masturbate (and being willing to let her watch him do the same) can offer fantastic insights, if she’s comfortable with the idea. And finally, he knows that for most women, clitoral stimulation is the primary route to female orgasm. If one partner or the other doesn’t spend some time making sure this gold nugget gets its share of attention, female orgasms will probably be hard to come by. (For more specific suggestions on what to do when you’ve got a clit at your fingertips—or at your lips—and how to work with common clitoral challenges, see page 22.)

5. A great lover knows his penis is merely one tool among many.
Penises are pretty remarkable inventions, no question about it. Yet women privately complain that many men’s love for their own body’s favorite part distracts them from the wonders of all the other parts that also have a lot to offer. It’s up to each male lover to prove he knows how to use the whole toolbox. (For more on this, see “Advanced Penisology,” page 204.)

Patience is unquestionably a trait to cultivate if you’re working toward an I
Female Orgasm merit badge. (If you’re not clear on how long female orgasms can take, see page 20.)

6. A great lover masters the art of patience.
One of the greatest gifts a man can give his female partner—especially one who worries that she’s taking too long to have an orgasm—is to tell her honestly, “Let’s keep doing this as long as it feels good to you. I’m not in a rush. I’m enjoying this, too.” In fact, if the “this” being discussed is some sexual activity other than intercourse, she probably won’t believe him without several more reassurances. After making these reassurances, he’d be wise to set up a futon on the floor next to the bed to cushion her in case she falls out of bed in shock. (Of course, don’t say things like this unless you mean them.)
 Case in point: Lots of women enjoy receiving oral sex. Lots of guys are willing to do it, but don’t spend enough time down there to have it lead to orgasm. One solution: Test your sense of time against the bedside clock. In your head, come up with a minimum amount of time that
you’re going to perform oral sex; let’s say thirty minutes. Sneak a peek at the bedside clock as you start, and then don’t look at the clock again until you
think
thirty minutes has passed. When you sneak your second peek, you may be surprised at how little time has actually passed. It’s easy to lose track of time in bed! So get back to it!

I want to feel that however long it takes me to reach orgasm is fine, and that it’s okay if I want to have more than one, and that if I need to have them after your orgasm that you won’t roll over and neglect me. I won’t want to get very aroused if I don’t think you’ll stick around through it.

7. A great lover knows that women come first
(at least some of the time). Although many couples see simultaneous orgasms as the prize to strive for, connoisseurs of female orgasm know that they often work better when they come before the male one. Reverse the order so his orgasm is first, and you risk ending up with a guy who’s bored or even falls asleep. But if the woman’s pleasure is the first focus, he’s likely to stay awake and interested for the whole process, right through to his own orgasm. Plus, given how female arousal works, there’s a good chance she’ll be happy to continue until he comes. She might even go on to have another orgasm or two. “Ladies first” doesn’t have to be the motto every time you’re in bed together, but realizing how well this approach works is a breakthrough for many couples.

The fact that my boyfriend wanted me to orgasm before he did was so sweet. He had such determination to make me happy that it helped me.

My last boyfriend almost always was able to make me climax and probably was the best person I’ve ever had sex with. He was very giving and would almost always go down on me prior to us having intercourse. This would help in that I’d be wet enough for him to enter me without too much discomfort.

great lovers are sure she consents

A TRULY EXCELLENT lover wants to be having sex with someone who wants to be having sex with him. Anyone can be a victim of sexual assault or abuse, and anyone can perpetrate sexual assault or abuse: women, men, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender. Statistically speaking, in about 90 percent of sexual assault cases women are the victims, and in about 10 percent of cases men are the victims.

When it comes to sexual assault, we’ve all heard of cases where somebody attacks a woman after breaking into her apartment, or a date rape occurs where a woman said, “No,” and a man refused to listen. What’s more challenging for a lot of guys are situations where it’s not 100 percent clear: She didn’t say no, but she didn’t exactly say yes, either. Mainstream culture encourages guys to have sex whenever they have the chance. As a result, a lot of men take pride in “scoring”—the more sex partners, the better. When they see an opportunity to have sex, they go for it, even if they’re not fully certain their partner wants the experience or is enjoying it.

Here’s one way to think about it: If given the choice, would you rather be known for how much sex you’ve had, or how great a lover you are? The fact is, the only person who knows exactly how much sex you’ve had is you. Guys who brag in the locker room about all the action they’re getting can make up numbers as easily as women can fake orgasms. Being a great lover is a status you earn by what you do—and don’t do—in bed. That’s your true reputation.

The finest kind of lover takes pride not just in the sex that he has, but also the sex he turns down. When a great lover finds himself in a situation where he’d love to have sex but isn’t sure how his partner feels about it, or how she’ll feel about it the next day, he pauses and checks in. Maybe she’s had too much to drink; maybe he’s not sure if she really wants to do this; maybe she said yes, she wants to have sex, but he notices she’s crying. Certainly, she could be crying for reasons that have nothing to do with him: Sex can be an emotional experience. But he can’t know that unless he stops and makes sure she wants to go forward.

In some cases sex just wasn’t meant to be that night. It can definitely be a letdown to miss out on a sexual experience that seemed to be within your reach. But it’s far better to let it go than to create a situation where either of you has serious regrets, or even worse, feels the sex wasn’t consensual. If there’s still a spark between you, there will be plenty of other opportunities.

Is your partner a sexual abuse or assault survivor? See page 38 for information and resources about how you can be supportive of her healing process.

8. A great lover lets a woman know that he’s enjoying himself.
Just as most guys prefer a partner who makes it easy to see and hear when she’s enjoying herself, women prefer men whose words and sounds let them know just how good it feels. Countless women have asked us why guys are so silent during sex. Too many early sexual experiences in the rec room with mom and dad upstairs, or in a dorm where sound travels far too easily, perhaps? Once you’re an adult having sex in a place where silence isn’t required, remember that many women find men’s sighs and moans of pleasure to be a huge turn-on.

I wish men would vocalize their own pleasure more. Knowing that my partner is enjoying the experience is perhaps the best part of a sexual encounter and allows me to get more aroused and more likely to reach orgasm.

Advanced Penisology

Here’s another subject that’s not covered in high school sex ed class: How to convince your penis to do what you want it to.

Most guys have encountered one or more of these challenges at some point:

○
They can’t get an erection, or can’t keep one.

○
They come sooner than they want to.

○
It takes longer than they want to come, or they can’t come at all.

Each of these situations is unique, but they all have one thing in common: The man’s penis isn’t working the way he wants it to. Many guys grow up with the idea that they should always be able to perform, even if they’re not in the mood or feeling ambivalent. This view is reinforced in porn, where men are always rock hard and ready to go. In reality, before Viagra, and even since, many hours were spent during which the director, film crew, and female cast lolled around waiting for the male star to get an erection or were forced to do retakes (or fancy editing) because the guy came too early, too late, or not at all.

Most guys’ first experiences of orgasm and ejaculation are through masturbation. Now, masturbation is one of America’s favorite pastimes, and it’s perfectly healthy. But all that “hands-on training”—often using the same technique that reliably brings a fast orgasm each time—sometimes doesn’t translate perfectly to sex with another human being. While intercourse isn’t what happens in every instance of sex, let’s look at it for the sake of comparison.

KEY DIFFERENCES:

SEX WITH YOUR HAND VERSUS INTERCOURSE WITH A WOMAN