I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (35 page)

3. DO be firm and honest if you’re being pressured.
If you get the sense your partner’s pride hinges on whether or not you come, you may begin to dread what’s ahead. Rather than just enjoying each other, the interlude has been transformed into a test of performance, your partner’s and yours. When a partner tells you your orgasm is his or her goal, or keeps asking if you came, be kind but clear: “Sometimes I have orgasms, sometimes I don’t. That’s not really the point. I love being with you; it feels really good.” Give him or her positive feedback for the things he or she is doing that
you like (“I love how long you go down on me” or “You feel so good inside me”). If you have ideas for what could help you come, share them. In the end, be honest about how long you want the pleasuring to continue, and, if you’re asked, whether or not you had an orgasm. Your significant other may need to be reassured many times that you don’t need to have an orgasm every time in order to consider it great sex and be totally satisfied—many guys, in particular, can’t imagine this could be true. Over time, your partner will come to respect your honesty and be less invested in your orgasm as the only sign that he or she did a good job. You may be rewarded with a more relaxed partner. Without the pressure, you might be able to breathe easier, too—which, ironically, could lead to more female orgasms.

BIG O on the big screen:

When Harry Met Sally

THE MOST FAMOUS “female orgasm” in cinematic history is a fake. Over lunch at a diner in New York City, Sally (Meg Ryan) and Harry (Billy Crystal), argue about whether a man can tell if a woman is faking an orgasm. To prove her point, Sally puts down her fork and proceeds (fully-clothed) to fake an orgasm, starting with gentle moaning and building up to a loud head-tossing, fists-banging-on-table orgasm that captures the attention of everyone in the diner. When finished, Sally returns to her lunch while another customer places her order with the waitress with the now-classic line, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

9

Coming with Pride:
lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, and straight-but-adventurous orgasms

One of the
cool things about a subject like female orgasm is that it’s about a woman’s body, not her sexual orientation. For the most part, an orgasm is an orgasm—it’s one experience the straightest married woman probably has in common with the radical queer grrrl next door. As a result, this book is for lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer women—as well as for heterosexual ones (of course, not every section applies to every individual). The same basic concepts about oral sex work regardless of the gender of the person whose tongue it is. Women of all sexual orientations can enjoy the hum of a vibrator on just the right spot. Some lesbians find it challenging to have orgasms, just like some straight women. Information about how most women like to have their clits touched doesn’t vary depending on whether her background music is Barry White or Ani DiFranco.

That said, there
are
some differences when women have sex with other women. The woman on top, for instance, can push her knee hard up against the other’s crotch for the bottom woman to grind against, a move that would elicit howls of pain if the bottom partner were male. Two women can compare their orgasms—and each other’s “performance” at the identical activities—more directly than a woman sleeping with a man. And without a penis in the bedroom, there’s no assumption that the night will end with intercourse, tab A in slot B. This chapter takes a look at some of the differences between sex with male and female partners. That’s not because they have to be
very
different—in fact, a lot of people who’ve tried both say sex is a similar experience regardless of the gender of the person you’re getting it on with.

a note on the word “queer”

QUEER CAN BE a controversial word in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (GLBT) community, because of its ugly history of being used as an epithet to hurt people. In recent decades, some younger GLBT activists began to use the word to describe themselves, “reclaiming” queer as their own to reduce its power to be used against them. More recently, the community’s “alphabet soup” has stretched with its inclusivity: It’s not uncommon to see strings of letters like GLBTTQQAI for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, ally, intersex, sometimes with more letters added for genderqueer, two-spirited, and asexual. As a result, growing numbers of people now use “queer” as a blissfully short umbrella term that stands for all these identities and more. Many like that the term acknowledges and allows for difference, rather than claiming that gay people are just like straight ones. Others within the community still find the word offensive.

We use the word queer in this book because we find it’s the shorthand most young GLBT adults use for themselves—and also because we both identify as bisexual and find queer to be a comfortable and inclusive way to name the GLBT communities we’re part of. We don’t deny that it’s still being used in hateful ways, including in schoolyards across the country. As with all words, its meaning depends on who’s saying it, how it’s said, and what that person means when he or she uses it.

Women who have sex with women are a diverse bunch. Many describe themselves as lesbians, primarily or exclusively sexually attracted to women. Others are
attracted to people of all genders, and may call themselves bisexual, pansexual, or prefer another identity label or no label at all. Some say things like, “I fall in love with the person, not the gender.” (In our survey, after “heterosexual,” “bisexual” was the most common sexual orientation women used to describe themselves.)

Growing numbers of young women “experiment” sexually with other women—or hope to—in part because it’s more socially acceptable than it used to be, allowing bi-curious and lesbian-questioning women to test the waters earlier in their lives. Sometimes women are encouraged by a male partner who thinks it’s “hot” to see two women together and wants to watch (not, we think, a great reason for a woman to start kissing women if she’s not interested in them herself). The word “heteroflexible” entered the vocabulary in recent years: people who generally consider themselves heterosexual, but could be “flexible” with the right person, in the right situation, perhaps with the right amount of tequila. In our survey, one in five women who described themselves as heterosexual said they’d had sexual experiences with another woman, and that’s not just making out on the dance floor: 30 percent of women who checked the “heterosexual” box and said they’d been sexual with other women reported having performed oral sex on another woman.

As the transgender, genderqueer, and intersex movements gain strength and visibility, growing numbers of people are speaking up about not fitting neatly into either “male” or “female” boxes, or about having partners who don’t. For instance, a woman may not know how to describe her relationship and her own sexual orientation if her partner has a female body but thinks of himself as genderqueer and uses male pronouns. Is the woman lesbian because her partner has a female body? Bisexual because she’s attracted to the female, male, and gender-fluid aspects of her partner? Heterosexual because her partner considers himself a guy? Sexual orientation labels can be limiting when viewed against the complexity of gender. In fact, to say gender is complex is an understatement. This chapter isn’t about untangling the subject, or saying some kinds of girl-girl sex are more valid or more important than others. Our vision is a broad one—hopefully broad enough to fit the many, many women who sometimes or only have sex with other women, those who hope to someday, and also those who are blowtorching the very concept of “woman” and “gender” into new realities.

who says it ain’t natural?

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM has abundant examples of female-female sexual love. In some species a certain percentage of animals in a population behave as “lesbians,” having sex with other females and, in some cases, forming long-term bonds and even parenting together. More commonly, some or all of the females of a species “mate” with both males and females. (We’re focusing on female animals here, but just so you don’t get the wrong idea, animal homosexuality is just as common, if not more so, among males.) A few examples, from the book
Biological Exuberance:

• Bonobo (pygmy chimpanzee) females rub their genitals together, gazing into each other’s eyes while they do so and making sounds and expressions believed to indicate that they’re having orgasms.

• Female squirrel monkeys not only have sex and kiss each other on the mouth, but pairs with close relationships often “co-mother” each other’s children, with infants developing strong bonds with both females.

• Some eastern gray kangaroo females form pair-bonds with other females but not with males. These female kangaroo couples “mount” each other sexually and affectionately groom, lick, and nibble each other.

• Pairs of dolphin females caress and stroke each other’s bodies with their fins and snouts, and take turns rubbing each other’s clitorises. Two females sometimes swim together with one’s dorsal fin in the other’s vulva.

Other species where females commonly have sex with each other include chimpanzees, baboons, whales, seals, deer, caribou, buffalo, giraffes, antelopes, warthogs, lions, cheetahs, hyenas, koalas, squirrels, bats, ducks, and other birds.

the best parts of girl-girl sex

WHEN PEOPLE ASK how lesbians have sex (and they do ask, over and over), what they’re really trying to figure out, of course, is how it’s possible to have sex without a penis. The question reveals the flawed but widespread assumption that sex equals a penis in a vagina—which makes it impossible for many to imagine sex with, say, two vaginas and no penis. As readers of this book know, the best sex is about
way
more than just a penis in a vagina; it involves hands and fingers, lips and tongues, breasts and nipples, labia and clitorises—not to mention the more than fifty other body parts women named on our survey when asked to tell us their favorite erogenous zones (page 24). Lesbian, bi, and queer women are just as likely to have every one of those body parts as anyone else, and it’s not difficult to combine them in ways that feel fantastic. For women who love penetration (some queer women do, some don’t), fingers do a great job. You can vary the thickness by changing the number of fingers, and fingers can curl and place pressure in ways that penises can’t. Dildos—worn as strap-ons (see page 232) or used by hand—are always an option, too.

There isn’t anything unenjoyable about being sexual with a woman. I love everything. Rubbing, tasting, stimulating her breasts, kissing her whole body, oral sex, fingering. I love it all. Sex with women is slow, patient, and exciting. The payoff for all the work and energy is the intimacy and moaning.

I like them because women’s bodies are soft and beautiful and curvy and sexy and work like mine. Also, I understand the way women’s minds work better than I understand men’s, making the emotional connection and trust a little easier.

I love exploring someone’s body and taking my time. I love breasts. I love my own breasts as well as other women’s. Kissing another woman is one of the most sensual experiences of my life.

I LOVE being with women! It’s like a sexual awakening for me. I love kissing all over her body. I love touching her for hours. I love using my hands and mouth, or a toy, whatever. It’s about the emotion involved. Even when we’re being rough and dirty, it’s still about the love underneath it all.

Some women also remarked on how hot it can be to touch your partner’s body and be able to imagine
exactly
how it feels to be touched there. Some said the “forbiddenness” of same-sex sex can make it feel extra sexy, or that being with a woman can make it feel safer to “lose control” during sex.

and the challenges

THAT SAID, SEX with another woman isn’t all sunsets, roses, and orgasmic perfection.

I think the biggest challenge is that not all women are the same. Just because you’re turned on by rough penetration doesn’t mean your partner is. You have to really communicate about it. Also, there’s always the fear that she might be better than you at something. Like what if my partner really turns me on when she’s using her tongue to stimulate my clitoris, and I do the same to her and she doesn’t react?

I’m used to boys, I don’t know so much what to do to girls.

Even though I have all the same parts, I didn’t know what she liked or disliked, and was afraid of doing something wrong. I wanted to be good, but I ended up being scared.