I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (41 page)

do-it-yourself dental dams

IN A PINCH? You can make your own dam out of a condom by cutting off the tip and cutting a straight line down one side. If you’ve got a latex glove, cut off the fingers but not the thumb, then cut straight through one side. You can even stick your tongue in the thumb!

We’ve taught about safer sex enough to realize that most people simply aren’t going to use dental dams or plastic wrap when they have oral sex. For many people, just using a condom consistently requires a lot of effort and dedication, and we agree this is the highest priority for people with male partners. But dams are a great option for people committed to lowering their risk, people in high-risk situations, those with partners they don’t know well, and those working hard not to share their HIV virus or STI with a partner.

Eight safer sex secrets for the real world

IT’S ONE THING to learn about safer sex in theory. It can be something else entirely to try to implement those theories in real-life situations and relationships. We’ve talked with thousands of people about safer sex, including what works—and what doesn’t—in their sex lives, and these are the tips people tell us helped them the most:

1. Don’t make assumptions based on looks—ask.
There’s absolutely no way to know if someone has HIV or another STI by looking at them. Attractive, healthy, sexy, intelligent, charming,
good
people get STIs and HIV. They may or may not know they’re infected. Given that you can’t know a new partner’s health status, using safer sex supplies every single time is the safest way to go. Getting tested gives you some additional information to go on. Talking about it helps, too, although there’s no guarantee your partner knows his or her status or will tell you the truth. If you can’t figure out how to possibly bring up the subject, try, “Okay, this is really awkward, but I know we’re supposed to be asking each other if we know if we have any STIs or HIV.” People who’ve been bold enough to say those words report that unless their partner is a total jerk, the other person is inevitably relieved they brought it up. Some studies find that half of people who know they’re HIV positive don’t volunteer the information unless their partner asks them, because they figure if their partner cares to know, he or she will ask. Once you have the information, you can plan accordingly.

2. Keep your safer sex supplies close to your heart—or at least, close to where you might have sex.
You’d be surprised at how many people plan to have safer sex, but don’t because at the key moment, a condom wasn’t readily available, or because they figured their partner would have one. Having safer sex supplies is the responsibility of both partners—it’s not just the guy’s job. Make a habit of having supplies within arm’s reach of anywhere you might end up having sex, both at your place and your partner’s. Having a condom in your bag doesn’t mean you’re planning on
having sex that day any more than carrying Advil means you’re planning to get a headache. Smart ladies and gents are always prepared; safe is far better than sorry.

3. Double up on methods.
Using condoms
plus
another method works great for birth control. For instance, if the pill is typically 92 percent effective, and condoms are typically 85 percent effective, used together the odds that a woman would accidentally get pregnant drop to a stunningly tiny number (we’ll leave that calculation to the statisticians among you). Plus, you get STI and HIV protection. Male and female condoms can be combined with any other method of birth control except each other. (Don’t use a male and a female condom at the same time.)

4. Consider vaccination.
Hepatitis A, hepatitis B, and HPV can all be transmitted through sexual contact, and all now have vaccines to help prevent their spread. Some of these vaccines have been around a while, and you might have been routinely vaccinated as a kid. The HPV vaccine first became available in 2006.

5. Know the pros and cons of nonoxynol-9.
Nonoxynol-9 is a spermicide that’s used in some kinds of birth control (like the ones in the “spermicide” row in our chart earlier in this chapter), and is sometimes found in lube or on condoms that advertise “with spermicide.” It’s a popular ingredient because it’s effective at the job it’s designed for: killing sperm. The problem is, in addition to killing sperm, N-9 can irritate the lining of the vagina or rectum. The irritated lining, in turn, is more vulnerable to HIV and STIs. If the primary reason you’re using condoms is to protect yourself from HIV or STIs, avoid anything containing nonoxynol-9. If you and your partner know you don’t have STIs or HIV and your primary goal is to prevent pregnancy, then it’s a viable option. Also, some people are allergic to the spermicide, so before you diagnose yourself with a latex allergy, be sure to try out some latex that isn’t coated in nonoxynol-9.

6. If you’ve taken risks in the past, make a plan for the future.
Like dieting or exercising, safer sex is more likely to happen if you plan for it than if you hope it’ll just fall into place by itself. If you have regrets about unsafe sex you’ve had in the past, get tested, get the treatment you need, and make a plan for the future so you can move on. If you find you’re putting yourself at risk repeatedly, ask yourself why. Is there a common thread that ties together the times you took unnecessary risks? For example, alcohol and other drugs can make it more challenging to have safer sex. If you see that your biggest “mess-ups” typically happen after a night of partying that ends with a hookup and unprotected sex, you may realize that alcohol is a major source of the problem. Perhaps you’d decide to limit your number of drinks in the future, or ask friends to keep an eye on you so that if you drink too much, you end up in your own bed alone, not in someone else’s.

7. Know your PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis).
If you think you may have been exposed to HIV through very recent unprotected sex, PEP can prevent you from being infected. PEP involves taking the same medications given to HIV positive people to fight the virus. In this case, the goal is to prevent infection in the first place. In order for PEP to be effective, a person needs to start treatment within seventy-two hours of being exposed (the earlier the better). To get PEP, call your doctor or local emergency room right away and find someone who is knowledgeable about PEP or “HIV prophylaxis.” While PEP is sometimes mistakenly called the “morning after pill,” taking it isn’t so simple. The side effects can be nasty—diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, to name a few—and you have to take the drugs for thirty days.

8. If it doesn’t look or feel right down there, see your doctor.
Some high school sex ed teachers show students photo after gory photo of severe cases of STIs, leaving their students gagging and shielding their eyes from the images. The teachers’ goal is to scare students into always practicing safer sex—or possibly to scare them away from ever having sex at all. The
problem with these kinds of pictures is that by showing only the extreme cases, they leave viewers with a misleading impression of what an STI looks like. People think as long as their own and their partner’s genitals aren’t lesion-covered and pus-infested, they must be okay.
 In reality, most STI symptoms are much more subtle, and many women have no symptoms at all, especially in an STI’s early stages. If you notice potentially mild symptoms but ignore them hoping they’ll go away, it’s possible you’ll end up with much more severe symptoms as the STI moves from the infection site to the entire body.
 Most doctors and health clinic practitioners have treated so many people for STIs that it’s not a big deal to them; there are over 15 million new cases reported in the United States every year. Don’t let your embarrassment at seeing your doctor for an STI (or at confronting the reality that you got infected with one) keep you from getting testing and treatment.

if you get infected

YOU’VE BEEN DIAGNOSED with an STI or HIV? That’s not news most people want to hear. But don’t despair:

○Most STIs are completely curable, usually with antibiotics. If yours is, get it treated promptly.

○If you’ve been diagnosed with HIV or an STI that doesn’t currently have a cure (like herpes or HPV), talk to your doctor about what treatments are available. Even infections and viruses that can’t be cured can be managed to keep you as safe and healthy as possible. Medications can enable people who are HIV positive to live long lives. Make responsible decisions so you won’t infect future partners. Seek out others with the same diagnosis (there are support groups, online message boards, and listservs) as a source of hope and support for the challenges ahead. People who are HIV positive or have an STI
can
have sex, relationships, and rich, fulfilling lives.

○Plan for the future so you won’t be reinfected or catch something new.

postscript

When the doctor
told Dorian she had cancer, she didn’t know if she’d live to see her thirtieth birthday. The possibility of her dying young terrified us both beyond words.

The truth is, none of us know if we’re going to live to be thirty, or fifty, or one hundred. But we do know that our lives will be better if we surround ourselves with people we love and respect, who love and respect us in return—and if we care for and respect our bodies, because they’re what we’ve got, as long as we’re here. It’s incredible, really, the things that bodies can do, and orgasms have got to be among the sweetest.

Orgasms reduce stress, relieve menstrual cramps and headaches, burn calories, reduce junk food cravings, help you sleep better, and are perfect to share with someone you love. Wherever your life’s journey takes you, we wish you good health, long life, and plenty of orgasms!

acknowledgments

Little did our
friends, relatives, and professional contacts know that when we signed a book contract, they were signing up, too. We don’t exaggerate when we say that every page in this book is better thanks to these people’s willingness to give us feedback on draft chapters, fill in stray details, and answer our endless questions. At times during the revision process we wondered if we’d solicited too much advice. It wasn’t always easy to incorporate the tremendously diverse perspectives and sometimes contradictory recommendations of so many different people. Yet in the end, the input of all these people—college students to Baby Boomers, sexuality experts and regular folks, people of all genders and sexual orientations—coalesced to make this book a thousand times smarter and richer than it would be if we hadn’t sought out so much help.

We are deeply indebted to Ashton Applewhite, Miriam Axel-Lute, Laura Gates-Lupton, Buck Miller, Suzanne Miller, Honey Nichols, Aly Mifa Solot, and Kathryn Turner, each of whom spent countless hours reading, suggesting, correcting, questioning, massaging, and revising chapter after chapter. Josh Albertson, Janie Fronek, Jonathan Glover, Julie Kersey, Theodore Nickles, and Liz Salomon also contributed significantly and repeatedly throughout our writing process. As in our last experience working with him, editor and publisher Matthew Lore “got it” immediately, and his infectious enthusiasm and supportive patience kept us going.

Research assistants Alexandra Buerkle and Lindsay Laczak doggedly tracked down the research findings that inform every chapter of this book. Our office
assistant, Oona Edmands, tabulated survey findings and kept our business’s details rolling smoothly along while we wrote and revised chapters. Illustrator Shirley Chiang’s drawings provided the perfect light-hearted touch to bring the book to life.

Throughout the writing process we turned to people with specific expertise to confirm, clarify, or explain the nuance of specific topics we wanted to be sure we got just right. We appreciate the insightful assistance we received from Virginia Braun, Dan Cohen, Betty Dodson, Chris Fariello, David Ferguson, Bill Finger, Eric Garrison, Paul Joannides, Denise Leclair, Thomas Kelson Lewis, Lih-Mei Liao, Erika Pluhar, Gina Rourke, Judy Seifer, Bill Taverner, James Trussell, Paula Vincent, James Weber, and Rhetta Wiley.

We owe enormous thanks to the many people who reviewed chapters, brainstormed subtitles, improved slang, filled in gaps, prescreened movies, translated sex terms from other languages, and helped in a zillion other important ways small and large: Matt Alinger, Bri Beecher, Jillian Borden, Denton Cairnes, Jennifer de Coste, Hannah Durocher, Rebecca Durocher, Julie Ebin, Carol Anne Germain, Jane Gottlieb, Ken Heskestad, Peter Hill, Heidi Kelly, Gail Leondar-Wright, Meika Loe, Sharon Maccini, Caitlin McDiarmid, Luke Mechem, Gwynn Miller, Leslie Morrell, Julia Nickles, Marjorie Nickles, Michael Oates Palmer, Lily Pike, Emma Potik, Karin Potik, Jeff Root, Alex Shkolyar, Alison Singer, Tricia Real-buto, KaeLyn Rich, Kelly Siebe, Barbara Solot, Evan Solot, Goldie Solot, Miki Solot, Ryan Solot, Vicki Solot, Lockhart Steele, Rebecca Tell, Robin Tell, Marnie Tumolo and the University of California San Diego Women’s Center, Tristan Turk, Nancy Vineberg, Walter vom Saal, and the vulva-loving superstars at
vaginapagina.com
.

This book would probably not exist had it not been for the early inspiration provided by Toby Simon and the encouragement of Laura Briggs. Additional shout-outs to Kersplebedeb, Brandon Maccherone, Jeff Sonnabend, Dan Winchester, Larry Winchester, and the staff of the Cambridge Center for Adult Education and Fenway Community Health.

Last but certainly not least, we thank the tens of thousands of people who have attended our educational programs and the nearly 2,000 who filled out our online survey. Your generosity in sharing extraordinarily private experiences, joys, fears, questions, and insights ground our work in the real world. You have taught us more than we could have ever imagined.