I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (33 page)

With all this in mind, of course penises don’t always do exactly what you want them to, particularly when intercourse, not masturbation, is on the agenda. It’s totally normal for perfectly healthy, young guys to sometimes come sooner than they want to or not be able to get it up or get off; more than two-thirds of the guys who filled out our survey said they ran into these challenges at least once in a while. If this stuff happens occasionally, don’t worry about it. If there’s a partner in your bed at the time, there are plenty of other ways to pleasure her, including using fingers or a phallic object for penetration if that’s what she was looking forward to. If one or more of these challenges is becoming a regular occurrence, and that’s bothering you, check out the tips below.

Advanced Penisology Troubleshooting Guide for Guys

Challenge: You can’t get an erection, or you can’t keep one as long as you’d like.

The causes of “erectile dysfunction” can be either physical or psychological. For most guys with occasional problems in this arena, the sexual episode in question involved one or more of these factors that make it more difficult for a guy to get an erection:

○He was drunk.

○She was intimidatingly hot.

○He had already ejaculated once or more earlier that day.

○It was a casual hook-up, and he was nervous or uncomfortable since he didn’t know her very well.

○There weren’t any condoms available.

○He was exhausted, stressed out, or just plain nervous.

○He was in a rush.

○He was on a medication that affects his arousal or erections (common for many antidepressants, as well as other medications).

Or it could have been nothing at all—sometimes an erection will play hard to get (or should that be soft to get?) for no reason.

The last thing to do when you can’t get hard is to freak out, because that creates
even more performance anxiety the next time you have the opportunity to have sex. If you can see that some of the factors on the list above may have been the culprit, that’ll help you change your strategy (or at least better understand your body’s responses) next time. You can also try relaxing and enjoying the sensations that feel good without worrying about whether or not you get hard. Sometimes the erection shows up when you’re just enjoying yourself and not trying to make it happen.

Don’t obsess about it. Relax. Don’t force it and don’t get nervous about it. Usually if I just lie down, put my arms around my girl and gently kiss and touch her, I can get my dink back in the ring.

Typically, this happens when I’ve been drinking: “whiskey dick.” I’ve found the best way to solve it is just not to drink as much.

Foreplay is the best solution to this for me. I used to go in once my erection was good enough to go in, or had just reached its peak, and I’d rush things. Most guys don’t want foreplay because they have no self-control and can’t wait to start intercourse. However, I find the longer I wait, the better it is for both of us
.

Even Shakespeare knew that, as the
Macbeth
quote at the bottom of this image reads, “[Drink] provokes the desire but takes away the performance.”

For men with difficulties getting erections, Viagra can seem like an easy solution. But Viagra and its competitors (Cialis, Levitra, and the rest) bring with them serious health risks. We’d far rather see men—particularly young guys—find and confront the root of their sexual challenges, rather than become dependent on pharmaceuticals. If getting an erection is a consistent problem for you—during partnered sex and alone—then it’s worth asking a doctor to rule out possible physical causes. These can be wide-ranging, including hormonal imbalances, thyroid problems, medications you’re taking, sexually transmitted infections, or chronic illnesses like diabetes. Also, check out “Need More Detailed Troubleshooting Help?” on page 212.

Challenge: You come sooner than you want to.

For all the talk about Viagra, many more men struggle with a very different problem: coming sooner than they want to when they’re with a partner. A few ideas on how to troubleshoot this one:

○If you come faster with a new partner because you find her really hot, tell her! She’ll probably be flattered to hear how much she turns you on. This kind of problem may resolve itself as the newness of the relationship wears off.

○Remember the power of the tongue. Yes, it can be a point of pride to last a long time. But there’s a difference between your ego and her orgasm. For most women, clitoral stimulation is what it’s all about, and that has little, if anything, to do with how long you last. If she has her orgasm before intercourse begins, as often works so well, then you don’t have to worry about “lasting” at all; you can come at whatever point is most pleasurable for you.

Cunnilingus gives me a chance to relax and focus the sex act on my partner for a while. Once she’s satisfied, it doesn’t matter if I finish in ten seconds or forty-five minutes. The pressure to “perform” just goes away.

○Come earlier in the day. Many guys have figured out that if they masturbate before a date, that’ll slow them down that night.

○Wear a condom. Sometimes that small decrease in sensation is exactly what you need.

○Try an encore. Some guys find if they come too fast the first time, they’re ready to go again fifteen minutes later—with a lot more stamina in Round Two.

○Take a break from whatever activity (intercourse, oral sex, etc.) is so physically pleasurable for you, and do something else for a while (maybe pleasure her) before returning to it.

It helps me to try a less animalistic position. The thrill of doggy style makes for quick coming, whereas many sitting positions are pleasurable but less hormonally thrilling.

○Relax and actually tune in to the sensations in your penis, rather than tensing up or trying to avoid thinking about how it feels.

This sounds cliché, but being really relaxed allows me to perform longer. I’ve found that when I’m really anxious about things (personal life, work, etc.) I can’t concentrate on the sensations, and I’ll come before I realize I’m coming. It seems like the times I’m most stressed out are when I end up being a ten-minute wonder.

○Know your “point of no return.” Because intercourse can be an incredibly stimulating experience physically, visually, and emotionally, guys sometimes rush headlong toward orgasm. They race up the mountain—only to tumble head over heels down the other side.
 Some men try to stave off their orgasm by concentrating on something completely non-erotic, like doing math problems in their head or thinking about sports. As a college student, Marshall used to bite his tongue, theorizing that pain was the best distraction of all. Many guys find that while that works for a while, they’re ultimately fighting a lost cause. Rather than sidestep the problem with these techniques, it’s better to address it head on.
 The key is to learn to identify the point when you’ve neared the top of the orgasmic mountain, the moment when you’re on the brink of having an orgasm, without actually having one. Here’s how to train yourself:
 First, practice when you’re masturbating. Most guys speed through masturbation, eager to have an orgasm. Instead, take your time. Sex researchers and therapists William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian found that if a man perfects the skills to be able to masturbate for fifteen to twenty minutes before he has an orgasm, he’ll be able to last as long as he wants to during intercourse.
 During this period of twenty minutes, there may be times when you feel like you’re really close to having an orgasm. Don’t stop stimulating yourself entirely, but back off just slightly, easing up on the intensity of your touch. When the moment passes, continue the stimulation again. Repeat this process, always paying close attention to the experience of
being close to coming, but figure out how to move through that with a lesser degree of stimulation until the “I’m gonna come” feeling subsides.
 Once you’ve mastered this technique during masturbation, you can apply what you’ve learned to intercourse. If you feel yourself approaching the point of no return, slow down or stop moving inside your partner. Remember, only in porn videos does the man thrust constantly—that’s for the viewer’s entertainment. So, pause your action. Consciously slow your breathing. Relax all the muscles in your body, particularly those in your legs and butt. Doing so can work wonders for your ability to last longer. Strengthening your PC muscles with Kegel exercises, described on page 26, and then squeezing when you want to slow yourself down, can also help.

I just take it slow now and don’t try to “go for broke” quickly. As my girlfriend puts it, “It’s a marathon, not a sprint.” She also is more accepting of the fact that sometimes I just need to stop thrusting to regain control.

The easiest way to slow yourself down when you’re on top is to give her a long passionate kiss and stop moving altogether for a second.

Challenge: It takes too long to come, or you can’t come at all.

We get a lot of questions from younger guys who have trouble having an orgasm at all. This needn’t be a crisis; men, like women, can have a great time without always having an orgasm.

If I can’t or don’t feel like coming, it’s okay, because sex is about the entirety of the experience to me. Now, sometimes this doesn’t work for my partners so I have to reassure them that this isn’t an all-the-time thing, and that there will be other days
—
trust me!

Many guys in this situation have already tried everything they can think of to make themselves come: receiving oral sex, fantasy, positions they find particularly sexy, dirty talk, and more. Sometimes those are just the ticket, sometimes not. As with any sexual problem that’s bothering you, if this is a regular experience you’re not able to resolve on your own, you might see a doctor to rule out any physical
causes. Some prescription medications can be the source of the problem, as can drugs like alcohol, ecstasy, or speed. Over and over, men who filled out our survey said the thing they’d discovered that helped them most was not to drink before sex.

need more detailed troubleshooting help?

THE BEST BOOK out there on male sexuality for men who have sex with women is
Great Sex: A man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex,
by Michael Castleman. It’s full of fantastic advice on how to be a great lover, and how to deal with specific challenges.

For information about how to find a sex therapist, see page 89.

When it comes to psychological causes of not being able to come, one major factor is what author Michael Castleman calls the “delivery boy mentality.” A man with a delivery boy mentality takes great pride in his ability to please his partner; he wants to be thought of as an excellent lover, a man who has the skills to “deliver” the female orgasm.

If this sounds like you, you have every right to be proud. You’ve probably rightfully received praise on your lovemaking skills, and as fans of the female orgasm, we shake your hand! The problem is, the delivery boy mentality can trip you up when it comes to your own orgasm. By conditioning yourself to be a long-lasting sex machine, ready and willing to provide the pleasure your woman wants, you may be neglecting your own pleasure. Let go of the myth that the ideal man is focused only on giving his partner an ideal sexual experience. It’s okay to be human, to enjoy sex simply for the sake of your own pleasure. It’s okay to be vulnerable in front of her and let yourself go.

If I’m doing something other than focusing on being pleasured, like fondling her breasts or stimulating her clitoris, it’s very hard for me to come.

I put all kinds of pressure on myself. I have to remind myself it’s not all about her—I’m supposed to have a good time, too. If I’m not enjoying myself eventually it’s going to screw up the vibe.

If you’re having trouble coming, it’s also possible that your penis isn’t getting the stimulation it’s used to from your self-loving technique. If you grip your penis with your own hand harder than any vagina ever could, try experimenting with
using a lighter, slower touch. If you first discovered how to masturbate in an unusual or unique position, you might want to increase your versatility by experimenting with other positions that are more similar to the experience of having your penis inside your partner’s vagina, even if they’re less pleasurable initially. It’s fully possible to “train” yourself to respond to and enjoy a variety of kinds of physical stimulation using techniques similar to those described for women in “Changing Your Self-Love Technique,” page 54.