I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (34 page)

for women:

secrets of male sexuality

A WELL-KNOWN cartoon portrays female sexuality as a complex machine, full of dials, switches, gauges, lights, and whistles. The other half of the cartoon represents male sexuality: a simple on-off switch.

Despite its reputation, male sexuality—including erection, orgasm, and ejaculation—is definitely
not
a simple switch, but is as wonderful, mysterious, and sometimes complicated as its female equivalent.

Our advice to women who encounter men whose penises aren’t working exactly the way they had hoped: Don’t worry about it. Just as you wouldn’t want him to have a crisis if your orgasm just is nowhere to be found on a given day, he doesn’t want you to have a crisis over a noncooperative penis. In fact, if he suspects that you’re upset about it (based on your desperate measures, questions, accusations, or tears), that’ll increase his own anxiety, creating the risk that the problem will grow because now you’re both stressed out about it. Especially if it’s something that happens only occasionally, your best bet is to let him know that as far as you’re concerned, it’s not a big deal. Don’t make the mistake of believing a man’s erection is a good barometer for how he feels about you.

a few inches (of text) on penis size

IF YOU BELIEVE the spam in your e-mail inbox, you’d think the primary way to please a woman is to be really, really well-endowed. You’ll be glad to know that we can tell you the answer to the age-old question “Does size matter?”

During our educational programs, while the men are out of the room discussing manly issues with Marshall, the women sometimes get to talking about penis size. Dorian has now had the chance to poll thousands upon thousands of women on this question, and without the men in the room, the women don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. Dorian’s unscientific poll (of women who have had enough male partners to have developed an opinion on the matter) has three possible answers:

1
. Bigger is better. I find a big penis more pleasurable.

2
. Small is beautiful. I find big penises uncomfortable or painful.

3
. Penis size really isn’t a significant factor in my pleasure. It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.

The responses Dorian gets from female audience members are close to identical regardless of where we go:

○About 10 percent of women choose category one: “I like it big!”

○About 5 to 10 percent of women say they prefer a smaller penis because big can be uncomfortable.

○Eighty to 85 percent of women say it really, truly, honestly does not matter to them. When Dorian asks, “So are you saying that what your partner does with his hands, fingers, lips, tongue, and words matter more to you?” the room is full of nodding and applause.

Guys, what does this mean for you? If you have a big penis, hopefully you can find a woman who will be thrilled to discover you. Remember that for most women, it requires far, far more than your penis to get off. Women roll their eyes
about well-hung guys with the attitude that their third leg, swinging between the other two, is everything a woman could ever need or want.

If your joystick is on the smaller side, know that there are plenty of women in the world who would be downright relieved to find you. Be reassured, too, that nearly all women would choose an excellent lover with any size penis over a clueless guy with a big dick. There’s plenty throughout this book to help you become the kind of partner women brag to their friends about.

And if you’re kind of average, well, so are most guys! Don’t waste your time and money on pills, pumps, lotions, surgeries, weights, or exercises to make you bigger; none of them have been proven to make any permanent difference, and many risk damaging your ding-a-ling. Remind yourself that men tend to care more about penis size than most women do, and choose to spend your time focusing on the things that really do turn women on.

i’ll take the tongue, please

TWO-THIRDS OF our female survey respondents said that if forced to choose, they would prefer to spend the rest of their lives with a partner with a skilled tongue rather than a big penis. (Only women who had tried both were allowed to vote.)

faking

A FEMALE ORGASM is a beautiful thing. Most people would like to see more of them in their lifetime. But is seeing believing? A lot of folks start squirming uncomfortably in their seats when the issue of faking comes up. You have questions on the subject? We’ve got answers.

First things first:
Is there any way to tell for sure if a woman is faking or not?

Some partners have heard that you can recognize a real orgasm by physical signs like the red flush on a woman’s face or neck, vaginal contractions, spasms or tremors throughout her body, curled toes, hard nipples, dilated pupils, elevated heart rate, or quivering lower lip. Indeed, each of those things
can
be present when a woman has an orgasm—but they would more accurately be considered signs of arousal (or, in the case of hard nipples and dilated pupils, they could be an indicator that your bedroom is cold and dark). Many women experience some combination of those physical effects when they’re aroused—whether they have an orgasm or not. Nearly all can easily be faked.

But surely there must be some way to spot a fake?

There is: Through the use of a positron emission tomographic (PET) scanner. This useful device, which costs a mere $3 million, can measure the activity of her cerebral cortex. But without a PET scanner, no, there’s absolutely no way to accurately distinguish an orgasmic woman from a talented actress.

But here’s the deal: Rather than agonizing over the authenticity of her orgasms, focus instead on the root cause of faking by not pressuring her to have an orgasm. Some partners couldn’t care less about female pleasure and orgasm. If you’re reading this book, you’re probably not one of them—you
do
want her to have a good time. But women say there’s another kind of partner, too: the ones who care too much.

Some partners get into their heads that because of their lovemaking prowess, female orgasm is a gift they bestow upon their lovers. They see it as a personal challenge to make the woman come. Whether it’s spoken
aloud or not, women quickly catch on to the fact that it would make their sweetie really happy if they had an orgasm. But, as we’ve discussed throughout this book, there are any number of reasons why they might not be able to have one, reasons that have nothing to do with the partner’s lovemaking skills.

If a partner is trying really hard—with tongue, fingers, or penis—to help a woman have an orgasm, and she suspects (or knows) it’s just not going to happen, she may start to get nervous, tired, or sore. Those states make it even harder to come, and she feels the orgasmic brass ring slipping out of reach.

I had a boyfriend who I had to fake it with for a long time. No matter how much I tried to help, he didn’t want to listen to my advice, but he wouldn’t stop until I supposedly “had one.”

For some women, faking provides an easy solution. Her partner thinks she had an orgasm, so he or she is happy. The woman’s happy because her partner’s happy. All is well and good—until the next time they’re in bed together, when the partner repeats the same techniques thinking they worked last time, and the woman is faced with the same dilemma. The cycle repeats itself, until she either fesses up and the two of them have a heartfelt conversation about it, or she delivers the news over the breakup: “Oh yeah, and one other thing: I’ve never had an orgasm with you! I was FAKING every time!” Those are words nobody ever wants to hear.

If that’s the case, what’s the use in trying?

Somebody smart once said, “Live for the journey, not the destination.” Women say that sex is about more than achieving orgasm. It’s also about intimacy, love, the thrill of skin against skin, human connection. Just because a woman doesn’t have an orgasm doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a great time. Most women say that at least some of the time, they can be perfectly satisfied without coming.

If I tell you I don’t think I can have an orgasm
—
and sometimes I can tell it just isn’t going to happen
—
don’t belabor the point. Enjoy yourself, come, and don’t feel bummed that I didn’t come, because I really DID enjoy being with you!

Here’s the bottom line of what women want from their partners: Do things that focus on the woman’s pleasure, be really, really patient, and let go of the end goal of an orgasm. By “focus on the woman’s pleasure,” they usually mean oral sex or stimulation of her clit with your or her fingers or a vibrator, not just intercourse. By “really, really patient,” they mean allow twenty to forty minutes or more, if she’s enjoying herself and says she’d like to continue. Be happy if she’s happy, whether or not there are fireworks in the end.

Faking Dos and Don’ts (for Partners)

1. DON’T announce, “I’m gonna make you come.”
That is, unless you want to guarantee she’ll fake an orgasm for you. When a woman hears words like these, she feels incredible pressure to make you happy. Her orgasm becomes something that’s for your pleasure rather than her own. And if it’s for your pleasure, she figures, she might as well put on a good (fake) show for you to enjoy.

2. DON’T ask, “Did you come?”
As much as you might be tempted to inquire, keep your curiosity to yourself. It’s too difficult for her to answer: If she says no, she’ll worry you’ll be disappointed. If she says yes, you’ll have no way of knowing if she’s lying or telling the truth. Also, if she did have an orgasm, she doesn’t need a reminder that her real orgasms don’t involve the artificial moans and screams one sees in Hollywood and porn movies. The last thing she should have to worry about at the moment of her peak pleasure is whether or not she’s being expressive enough to let you know she’s having an orgasm!
   That said, after you’ve been together at least a few times, it’s okay to say, “Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell if you have orgasms.” Let her answer and listen. Follow up with, “Are there things I could
do differently to help you?” Communicate with your words and reactions that you’re okay if she has an orgasm or not, as long as you’re doing what you can to make sure she’s enjoying herself.

3. DON’T fake orgasm yourself.
Given that men usually ejaculate when they have an orgasm, it’s obviously harder for guys to fake. But it’s certainly not impossible, as this guy points out:

If we’re having intercourse for a second time in a short period of time, I usually keep going until she’s had another orgasm, and then I fake an ejaculation. Yeah, it can be done with a bit of acting, as well as flexing the muscle down there. Women aren’t the only ones who can fake it.

The Golden Rule is apropos here: Do yourself and your partner a favor, and don’t fake. It’s perfectly normal for a man occasionally to lose his erection during sex, and women need to understand this. Men are not infallible machines, but human beings with body parts that have minds of their own.

4. DO be wary of female orgasms that are too good to be true.
If your girlfriend always has a simultaneous orgasm with you after two minutes of intercourse, know while such a feat is physically possible, it’s quite rare. Of course, don’t make the mistake of accusing her of faking, lest you offend one of the few lucky women on earth who can come that quickly and easily. But don’t be lax about following all the other suggestions in this chapter, like giving her ample opportunity to get off in other ways.

5. DO accept a woman’s faking confession graciously.
If a woman ever admits to you that she faked an orgasm, stay calm and thank her for her honesty. This news can be frustrating to hear, but no one wants to be stuck having dishonest sex forever. She’s just given you the gift of truth. Now it’s your turn to use this newfound knowledge as an opportunity to get back on track and figure out how to work
together (it’s her responsibility as well as yours) to help her come.

Faking Dos and Don’ts (for Women)

1. DON’T fake, ever.
Pledge to yourself that you’re going to be a girl who doesn’t fake it. If you make this promise, it pretty much guarantees there will be some sexual situations in your life when you don’t have an orgasm, and your partner will know it. Get okay with that. Realize that in the long run, some orgasm-free sex episodes are far better than “training” your partner to repeat an ineffective technique on you and every future woman he or she sleeps with. As one of our friends said, “Every faked female orgasm moves humanity further from achieving a real one.”

My first girlfriend faked it
—
quite poorly
—
and it had negative effects on our relationship. My last girlfriend never faked. We talked about my performance. When it wasn’t good, I wanted to know so I could improve.

If your partner knows you’re honest when you don’t come, he or she can also begin to trust that when you do scream his name or grab onto her shoulders, that orgasm was for real. That kind of trust and honesty builds great relationships inside the bedroom and out.

2. DO break the cycle if you’ve been faking.
Your pseudo-gasms may not matter if it’s a short-term fling or if you’re about to end things anyway. But if this is a long-term love, you owe it to yourself to help your partner help you have real orgasms.
   Obviously, if you like this person, you don’t want to hurt his or her feelings. Let’s say you’ve been faking orgasms after five minutes of oral sex, and you suspect you could come for real if the stimulation continued longer. Here’s one approach that’s only half-honest, but may do the trick to get you back on track without
causing a major crisis: “Honey, I’ve been reading this book about female orgasm. There was a section about how orgasms can feel, and how long it can take women to get there. It got me wondering if I could have bigger orgasms if we did stuff for longer—sometimes it feels really, really good, but the more I read, the more I’m not sure if I’m having orgasms all the time or not. Would you be up for trying some different things, or just going for longer, to see how it feels for me?”
   If you have real orgasms sometimes but fake when you can tell it’s not happening (so your partner
thinks
you come every time), try gradually cutting back on your faking. Sometime when you can tell an orgasm just isn’t meant to be, don’t fake—let your partner know you had a good time but you’re not going to come tonight. Gently introduce the idea that sometimes you come and sometimes you don’t, reassuring your partner that an orgasm isn’t the only thing that determines whether you enjoyed yourself. (It takes some partners months or years of reassurances to become comfortable with the idea that many women can enjoy sex whether or not they have an orgasm every time.) Intersperse real, fake, and nonorgasms, gradually providing fewer fakes and allowing sex without orgasm to happen from time to time. As your partner adjusts to the idea that you don’t always come—and that you’re okay with that—phase out your faking entirely.