Life With Toddlers (14 page)

Many times however, time-out is just a way to get your child centered and calm so you can guide them on acceptable alternatives to their behavior.  When your child gets out of control, a time-out may be appropriate, but afterward, tell/show them what you want to see instead.  Model!  Make sure you address the root of the behavior and guide your child on how to calm her emotions.

Occasionally, the single act of placing a child in time-out will enable you to tackle both issues of calming a toddler and addressing the underlying problem.  For example, if little Waldo is grabbing and biting during a playdate, giving him a time-out serves to ease the intense emotion
and
address the biting.  It forces the little guy to settle down, regain control, and recognize that when he bites or grabs, he cannot play with other children.  It also serves as a direct consequence to the undesirable behavior. 

Initiating a Time-Out

When your child demonstrates a behavior worthy of time-out:

1. Tell her “Time-out.  No hitting Mommy,” (or whatever the infraction was).
   
2. Sit her down in the time-out spot and stand behind her.
   
3. No eye contact.  Turn your head away if necessary.
   
4. NO talking.  Don’t say a word after the initial “no” statement.
   
5. If she tries to get up, sit her back down, and make her stay in time-out for one to two minutes.
   

As your child gets older and starts needing time-outs for knock-down-drag-out tantrums, use a designated time-out spot where you know she’ll stay put, and walk away.  Let her cool down.

Length of Time

A good rule of thumb for time-out is one minute for each year of age.  For example, when not in full-swing tantrum, expect to leave your two-year-old in time-out for no longer than two minutes.  This is a good gauge if your sweetie is not upset about the time-out and hasn’t quite connected crime and punishment.  You have to teach your child that time-out is not a special game Mommy is playing and you aren’t sitting together to have fun.  Say only, “No hitting.”  Do not look at her or give any attention other than sitting her back down after attempts to get up.  When time is up, say again “No hitting” or “We do not hit,” then go on with business as usual. 

For any protests in which your child is positive the world is coming to an end, keep him in time-out until he regains composure or until you can no longer stand it.  Be brave; tantrums loud enough to be heard halfway across the galaxy may take a while to wind down.  Now, will you feel guilty leaving a screeching, crying, and out of control child in a crib or corner for up to fifteen minutes?  You bet your pants you will.  It’s horrible. 

Just remember, your solace in leaving your hysterical child in time-out until he recovers is that his attitude should turn to peaches and cream after he’s allowed to fully recoup on his own.  He’ll be so much better off when you give him the guidance and time to cool down; it should outweigh any guilt.  I say
should
– it might not, so be prepared and don’t sap-out, girlfriend.  Don’t overdo the making up part or you’ll be back to square one.

Children sometimes need ten or fifteen minutes to be alone.  When secure in your love for them, they can release tension and regroup after a long or busy day.  You could compare it to an adult wanting to sit quietly for fifteen minutes and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee.  Everyone needs the occasional break – even toddlers.

However you choose to approach tantrums, there’s no need to go on and on about the behavior.  Out of a five minute lecture to your child on why she can’t hit her friend, she’ll only hear, “Blah, blah, hit Jill, blah, Jill’s Mommy, blah, blah, play, and BLAH!”  Save your breath.  Most beneficial is a simple statement of fact and consequence such as, “Time-out.  We do not hit.”  Say it again when the time-out is over. 

Don’t start up with explanations when your child cries in protest, or guilt creeps in because you’ve taken away the brand new plastic dinosaur.  A child on a tirade doesn’t need you yakking in her ear about the inappropriate behavior.  There is no reasoning with an out of control toddler.  So be quiet!!  No stimulus!   Hush! 

Lecturing toddlers on their behavior is useless and can end up pushing some major guilt buttons.  As a speech therapist, I once put a preschooler in time-out with a beanbag and a blanket.  No lengthy explanations as to why he shouldn’t have acted out; I simply stated the facts in a brief manner.  Checking on him a few minutes later, he was quiet and looked ready to rejoin the group, so I said, “You can come and play with us whenever you’re ready, John.”  He said, “Okay” and just sat there.  Realizing he wanted more time alone, I let him be.  Checking on him a few more minutes later, guess who was cuddled up and snoozing? 

The sweet little guy was just exhausted and over-stimulated!  Now, if I had made a huge ordeal about his behavior and jumped all over him for being inappropriate, how bad do you think I would have felt after seeing him lying there so peacefully?

Sometimes it’s very hard to assess the reason behind a tantrum, and I try not to jump to conclusions, especially with a child who isn’t mine.  I don’t know if they missed breakfast, I don’t know if Mommy and Daddy are fighting, and I don’t know if they’ve been up all night with sleep apnea and unable to breathe.  They could be sick, or just need a hug and cuddle.  State the facts simply and give yourself time to think about the “why”.  Toddlers need to know what is unacceptable, but you also need to feel good about your approach.  No need to raise the guilt-o-meter! 

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard the rumors.  Some experts propose ignoring or having a bored/neutral attitude about undesirable behavior. 
Sometimes
this is appropriate.  For example, when little Bobby conks his head on the wall for attention, you ignore him, driving home that he’ll gain nothing but a headache.  I also agree that some negative behaviors are present only to get a fantastic reaction out of the caregiver.  In that case, keeping your calm, ignoring the act itself, and removing the child from the scene is the most appropriate solution. 

Big “however” here, Mommy; ignoring ALL undesirable behavior is nonsensical.  Call me crazy, but I’d say it’s a tad unrealistic to have a bored or neutral attitude every time little Katie sinks her teeth into your arm and tears off a mighty chunk of warm flesh.  It should be perfectly acceptable to bellow dramatically in severe pain and let her know in no uncertain terms, “We do not bite!!!” 

Having a dispassionate attitude during times of outrage is boneheaded.  Do you really think it’s possible to put on a game face when Claire the Climber hikes her way to the tippy top of the highest storage closet in the house, frees Great-Great Grandma’s antique crystal vase from five feet of bubble wrap, and proceeds to smash the lovely container to smithereens by pretending it’s a piñata?  God rest her soul, Great-Great Granny would have a cow right there in her grave if she knew her beautiful heirloom met such a violent and untimely death!

When it’s Okay to Ignore the Bad

Let’s utilize some common sense, shall we?  The goal in ignoring bad behavior is to motivate children to do something different, right?  You want positive attention, mister toddler?  Then stop behaving like a baboon.  Otherwise, I’m just going to act bored.  Yawn.  Ho hum.  No big deal, my child’s standing on the kitchen table, kicking plates around, knocking drinks over.  So what.  No attention for you, young man!

What an idealistic and peachy picture this is!  But if the kid is inflicting some serious pain or damage, having a bored or impartial attitude will not help.  It’ll only give your little rascal the impression that you don’t care if she tries to drown the cat in the toilet or smear your walls with finger paint and poo poo.

So here’s the rule: When
B
in the Toddler ABC Guide equals pissed-off screams, and nobody else is affected, it’s okay to ignore.

Example:

A = Child indicates wanting sweets; you say “no”.

B = Child screams

C = You can:

P = ignore the screams; turn your head away or R = say, “Stop that now!  Here you can have one bite, but just one.”

Pissed-off screams are okay to ignore, UNLESS it’s paired with other destructive behavior (throwing objects, kicking walls, hurting others).  You also don’t want screams in a public place – so don’t ignore that.  Implement some no-fun consequences.  

Children need to be taught what is acceptable and not.  Allow yourself the freedom to react as any offended person would.  If little Rosie normally gets your attention by coming up and stomping your foot, don’t just suck it up and hold in your yowl of pain.  Ignore the stupid expert who told you to ignore it! Yell in agony all you want, girl.  Kids need to learn the value of cooperation, deference, kindness, and respect.  Don’t ya think? 

Three types of tantrums and how to deal with them:

1. Need (Hungry, Tired, or Emotional Expectations)
   
2. Overload (Over-stimulated or too many choices)
   
3. Demand
   

How to prevent tantrums.

How to know when kids need fewer choices and more limits.

How to use time-out:

• Where to put them, how long, step-by-step how-to
  
• Time-out works wonders when used correctly
  
• Time out does not always solve the entire problem
  

No lectures!

The stupidity of ignoring or having a bored/neutral attitude.

When it’s okay to ignore bad behavior.

It’s stupefying, exasperating, and downright exhausting when kids shriek, “No!” fifty times a day.  But habitual yelling is only habitual when it works.  So catch negative yelling early.  Do NOT give in with a sigh and say, “Okay, you can play a little longer and then we’ll go potty.”  Rewards for yelling and fussing will only perpetuate the problem.  Do not reinforce negative behavior.     

To reduce screeching in public places, catch and deal with earsplitting refusals to cooperate as early and often as possible – at home.  When cooperation is nowhere in sight, use the home court advantage and let your child yell as much as he wants; just make sure the shouting is to no avail.  Your toddler will probably still give you some deafening snubs in the most embarrassing public places, but hold fast and steady.  Kids will pull on their memory bank of what you’ve done before, and if you’re consistent, they’ll have no reason to think shouting is any more beneficial in a church, restaurant, grocery store, museum, or mall.

Standard yells (“Nooo!” or “Don’t want to!”) can be a developmental stage, but can also get ugly quick.  With novice yellers, simply tell your little shouter, “We do not yell at Mommy.  You may talk nicely.”  Then proceed to do exactly what provoked the outburst: 

Outburst: Little Lisa throws a fit because you request potty time before play? 

Response: Take her to the bathroom for the task.

Outburst: All hell breaks loose when you present chicken strips for dinner? 

Response: Too bad!  Chicken or nothing. 

If your toddler makes a nice request, feel free to oblige the initial appeal.  When your sweetie politely asks to keep playing or delay tub time, then tell her, “Since you asked me so nicely, yes, you may play for three more minutes,” or “You may go down the slide two more times, honey.”  Prepare your child for the transition by counting trips down the slide or giving continual updates as the minutes tick off.  (“Two more minutes.  One more minute.”)  Once time is up, it’s up.  Do not give in to repeated pleas to continue because children will ask until you say
no
– and mean it. 

You have to provide guidance when transitioning, setting limits, and going about unwanted tasks.  If you follow through with your promise to continue playing or allow your toddler to go on the slide “one more time,” then you must also follow through with your promise that it stops there.  Keeping your promise creates an atmosphere of security and teaches trust and cooperation.  

There are a couple of tricks that can work wonders encouraging cooperation, and they consist of giving your child a choice.  When your toddler is repeatedly resistant to a request, drop the command format and present a question with two choices of activity. 

Trick number one

Offer two positive choices.  For example, when protesting a diaper change, ask your little one, “Would you like to hold the lotion or the powder while I change your diaper?”  Or, if she throws a fit when it’s time to clean up her books, refocus her attention with, “Which do you want to put away first, the fire truck book or the baby animal book?”  Obviously, you vary the choices depending on the activity, but only offer two, and be gentle but firm in your assurance that the activity
will
indeed take place. 

My friend Debi had a perfect situation in which she should have used this trick – and didn’t.  (Yes, it got ugly.)  Debi had a lunch date with a friend and had to take along her son, Cole.  She started out by enthusiastically asking Cole “Would you like to go to lunch with Mommy?”  Cole was agreeable and excited – right up until Debi told him to put his shoes on.  Cole happens to hate shoes, going to great lengths to keep them off his feet.  So what happened?  Debi and Cole went ten rounds with “Do you want to go with Mommy?”  “YYYYEEESSS!!”  “Then you need to put your shoes on.”  “NNOOOOOO!!!” 

Debi could have avoided the entire fiasco by starting off the conversation with, “Okay!  We’re going to lunch now and you have to put your shoes on.  Would you like boots or tennies?”  Instead, she started off by giving Cole a choice in whether or not he wanted to go.  This was a faux pas because in actuality, there was no choice.  He was going, and shoes were part of the deal. 

Blunder #2: missing the hint that the shoe argument was going nowhere.  When going around in circles, you need to change course!  By offering a positive choice, she could have given him some control – just a bit of leverage in his need to feel autonomous.  Yes, it can still backfire; he can still refuse both pairs.  In that case, Mommy needs to make an executive decision; pick a pair of shoes, and his feet go in.  End of story.

Trick number two

If the positive choice method fails, trick number two is an option: Make one choice desirable to you and one choice
un
desirable to your kiddy, like a time-out.  Example: “Do you want a time-out, or do you want to put the markers away?”  When you use a calm and completely matter-of-fact tone of voice, your children will think the mere idea of having a choice is just groovy, and may cooperate with astonishing frequency. 

My friend Kristy had an incident where her daughter Kate was resisting taking her nightly bath.  Kristy restated three times “Kate, it’s time for your bath” and repeatedly got three adamant replies of “No!”  Giving up the command format, she asked, “Do you want a bath or would you rather go straight to bed?”  Kate stopped, thought about it and said, “Kate want a bath.” 

Word of caution: when you give a negative alternative to a disobliging child, be prepared to respect the choice if your clever cookie calls your bet and chooses to forego a bath and go straight to bed.  If your child is head to toe in dirt and french fry grease and you want the grime off before he hits the hay, don’t offer the bed as an alternative.  Think ahead.  When you’re pregnant, five centimeters dilated and laboring your eyeballs out, don’t offer your three-year-old a time-out in lieu of donning a jacket so you can get your big belly to the hospital.  Hoo-hoo and hee-hee breathing your way through three minutes of time-out only brings you three minutes closer to dropping a baby right there on your living room floor.  Pick a “negative” option you’re fairly sure your little genius will reject, but something you can live with should he actually choose it.  Better yet, offer the adult solution and tell your child (in between contractions, of course), “You can put your jacket on NOW or Mommy will do it for you!” 

Let’s be totally honest.  Our kids are spoiled silly.  We buy them everything under the sun, so it’s no wonder we get agonizing screams of, “I waaaannnttt it!” here and there.  No big deal.  We just have to get tough.  So here it is again, Mommy…DO NOT GIVE IN to demands!  You cannot surrender even once, or that’s it.  She’ll remember what it takes.  Feel free to be sympathetic  –  “I know you’re upset because Mommy won’t let you have the beautiful Barbie clothes.  I understand it’s very disappointing.”  Beyond that, they need to deal.  

Knowledge of prior concessions will drive a toddler to utilize the weapon of persistence to influence your decision making process.  Be prepared for some (initial) tantrums.  If whining has historically motivated you to see things her way, she’ll whine until you cave.  Stay firm.   

Here’s how to proceed: 

1. With the first hint of inexhaustible insistence, simply say, “We can’t have that right now, honey” or “Not right now.”  Repeat the phrases as many times as you need. 
   
2. Feel free to answer “no” and give a brief explanation to any
   sweet
   negotiating retorts (“Have it later?”), but there’s no need to explain anything if your child is getting out of control. 
   
3. When meltdown begins, turn off the attention.  No sympathetic looks, no apologies, and no consolations (like new shoes or a piece of gum – that’s a bribe). 
   
4. DO NOT reward the whining by giving in. 
   
5. Use the distraction technique only if pumpkin is tired or hungry. 
   

If you’re going to distract, don’t give little Charlie the exact item he’s demanding.  Rather, try convincing him your phone is much better than a cavity from the desired candy bar.  Be consistent.  He’ll eventually realize he must either listen the first time you say no, or figure out some other way to get what he wants.

Look, I’m a sucker, too.  Of course I’ve bribed my very own toddlers when the whimpers and complaints became unbearable.  Indeedly-do, I’ve surrendered to protest to avoid a threatening headache and distracted my toddler by pulling a shiny bead necklace off a shelf.  Just as soon as I finished tossing items into the shopping basket (and on top of my baby, I’m afraid) I made my bejeweled darling give up the prize by telling her, “Okay, we’re all finished with the beads now!”  I then put the miracle trinkets right back where I found them.  (And obviously, not the only time I’ve done this, but a good example.) 

Life will sometimes throw you too many stones to deal with at once, and you have the permission of all the Mushy Mommies on the planet to relent every once in a while and offer a consolation (okay, bribe) – as long as there are no tantrums involved.  If Prince Volcano is threatening to make you collapse into a fit of sobs right there amongst the frozen pizzas, your official instruction is this:  Give the little guy what he wants.  Do what you need to make it through the shopping excursion without having a break down.  Just do me one favor.  Keep it together long enough to swing by the pharmacy and grab a pregnancy test on your way out.  Once you get home, set up your royal subject with the five remote controls for your entire television and audio system, and go pee on that stick.  If it’s positive, we’ve found the source of the problem.  If it’s negative, take a Tylenol and call your therapist. 

The smart way to head off undesirable antics is to reward cooperative behavior.  Be consistent with verbal praise.  Tell him how much you appreciate cooperation.  Offer a great big hug and kiss.  Buy your toddler an ice cream cone or favorite cookie every once in a while – totally out of the blue.  Positive attention is a terrific motivator.  Unpredictability and novelty greatly enhance reinforcement.  He’ll eventually come to the conclusion that positive attention is better than any toy in the store.  Our hope is that it won’t take our toddlers until adulthood to come to this realization, but we can only do so much.        

I’m freaking out, I’m freaking out!  Okay, no I’m not, no I’m not!  Wait, no.  Yes I am.  Freaking out. 
My child was just bittennnnn!!! 
(This is me the first time.  Cool as a cucumber.) 

Okay…deep breath.  Let’s
aaallll
calm down.  I have since learned that my kid won’t morph into a vampire.  Neither will yours.  Biting is part of the life of a toddler; your kid will get bitten, and your kid will bite.  It’s practically etched in stone in the Toddler Book of Law.   

Don’t get me wrong.  Biting is not excused just because it’s a toddler-thing.  The biter’s intent is not always malicious, but gnawing on other humans is still a little on the impolite side.  Younger toddlers (around 1 year) will slobber and chew on everything in visual range, exploring textures and taste.  No biggie.  BUT, if the chomping prize happens to be another kid’s finger or nose…yowza. 

When not a direct result of textural exploration or sensory stimulation, biting is a function of frustration or difficulty in communication.  Either way, children need to know that sinking their teeth into living flesh is not an acceptable form of letting off steam or convincing another kid to give up the plastic monkey and animal sounds zoo.  Biters bite because they need a way to express anger or aggravation.  It’s a toddler’s very loud request for some guidance in the negotiation department. 

As long as the chomping isn’t chronic or vicious, it’s just part of growing up.  So here’s the deal, Mommy.  Don’t get all panic ridden if your child occasionally bites or is bitten every once in a while.  I’ve been bitten too many times to count, and I’m well aware of the colorful damage my kids can dish out and receive.  But hey, we all carry on.  The main points to remember are:

• If your child bites: act contrite, not smug.
  
• If your child is bitten: be gracious, not hysterical.
  

Our Baby as the Biter

When your child bites:

1. Address it immediately. Tell them, “NO biting!  Biting hurts!”
   
2. Put them in time-out.  Whatever the reason for biting, separation from the fun is a definite need.  Plus, if overload is the culprit, departure is the answer.
   
3. Once the time-out is over, make your toddler apologize (if old enough) to the injured party, and spew out the apologies yourself.
   
4. Next, look at why your child decided to bite in the first place and address it.
   
5. Provide an alternative to the biting, depending on the reason (more on this below).
   
6. Plug in TAG and make sure you aren’t reinforcing the behavior.
   

Example:

A = Joey asks for a book and you say, “In a minute.”

B = Joey bites you

C = You can:

P = Put Joey in time-out, leave the book on the shelf

Or

R = Put Joey in time-out, give him the book to read while there

Here’s a different ABC:

A = Playing at a friend’s house; Joey gets stepped on

B = Joey bites the stepper

C = You can:

P = Remove him from play; put him in time-out

Or

R = Say, “Oh, Joey, honey, don’t do that, it’s not nice”; let him continue playing

DO NOT REINFORCE THE BITING
.  When you give him any part of the ‘want’ that sparked the bite, you have just reinforced the behavior.  Tell him all day long not to bite and it’ll go in one ear and out the other.  You’re letting him continue playing, and that’s what he wanted.  So TAG it.  Figure out
why
Joey bit and which consequence will peacefully punish the behavior and make it stop.

Providing Alternatives: