Life With Toddlers (12 page)

When you see your child swipe a toy from unsuspecting hands, take the toy from your child and tell them, “Max was playing with the ball.  We do not take toys from other children.”  Give the toy back to the victim of the robbery, and tell them you’re sorry.  If your child is old enough, make them apologize as well. 

A matter that bears stressing:
it does not matter if the victim is not crying or upset because the toy has been taken away
.
  Deal with your child’s snatching whether the injured party is wailing uncontrollably or not.  Some Mommies find it incredibly offensive when other Mommies don’t address issues.  So what if the victim didn’t meltdown when her Barbie’s head was ripped off during the mugging attempt?  That was still horribly rude! 

As the Mommy of a toddler, and possibly a couple of other critters, it’ll be virtually impossible to catch all your child’s negative actions towards other kids.  Since most of us see only a small fraction of our child’s dire deeds, it’s important to act on the ones we do observe.  For the most part, Mommies of victims are very gracious and will generously forgive or overlook a couple of spats initiated by another child.  However, if the aggressive behavior becomes a habit, and the initiator’s Mommy refuses to acknowledge what she sees, she may find her child’s playmates suddenly and permanently too busy to get together.  Yowza!  That hurts! 

When to Listen, Distract, or Put a Foot Down.

Decreasing the stimulation/overload from toys.

The art of explanations.

“I’m Sorry” and “okay” are no-no’s!

The appropriate “I’m sorry.”

How to stop “stealing” and the “Mine!” Complex.

Be objective when looking at your child’s behavior!

Be respectful of other Mommies and their toddlers.

Brace yourself Mommy; at some point, it will happen.  You cannot get along in this life without your child being bopped, punched, pushed, pulled, grabbed, thieved, whacked, kicked, or otherwise gravely threatened by another child.  What do you do when it happens?  Well, you have the permission of all the Poker Mommies of the world to cry your eyes out right along with your child.  We’ve all been there and know a good cry works wonders.  

The situations are so predictable.  You get together with another kid and Mommy, and the playmate consistently snatches away your child’s toys.  Your little angel isn’t too upset about the robberies, so there’s no need to make a fuss, right?  Anxiety creeps in, but the matter still goes without any bellows of protest.  And hey, we’re all big people.  We know there’s a certain amount of imposition a child needs to learn to deal with, as you cannot protect them all the time.  Live-and-learn, that’s our philosophy!  So we make our child deal. 

Well, holy moly if the poor baby doesn’t end up being chased around in circles, running for his life, hanging on to a toy he’s determined to keep in his hands for once.  Shoot, if no one else mediates on his behalf, he just
has
to take matters into his own hands and let the playmate know the invasions must halt!  Jeez Louise, the pickles we get ourselves into.  By the time the assailant finally nabs your little chick, he’s fed up beyond control and doesn’t know what to do other than scream. 

With years of cushion and other kids to raise (and kick you to shreds), you may be able to look back on it and admire the aggressor’s tenacity.  But in the Mommy-rookie moment, objectivity takes a hike.  Being fairly new at this bickering business, our hysteria level is right in check with the victim.  My gosh!  The situation is untenable; our little lamb is so upset – and we let it happen!  What a big fix, though!  It’s not
our
child on the offensive, so what are we supposed to do?

What happens if another Mommy doesn’t feel the need to address behavior you consider rude or aggressive?  For hours on end I have sat my carcass down in the parenting section of many a bookstore looking for advice on what to do when other kids are mean to your own.  If their Mommy doesn’t seem to notice or care, what the heck are your options?  Apparently, it’s an incredibly taboo subject because I have yet to find a satisfactory answer. 

I want to know the etiquette on toddler tussles.  During a playdate or playgroup, can I actually intercede in a dispute where my child is prey, or do I rely on the Mommy of the aggressor?  What if our ideas on the subject are not in agreement?  Even if we do agree, it takes a very secure Mommy not to be offended if someone even intimates her child is anything less than angelic.  Do I risk damaging or losing a friendship over some silly toddler fight?  And what if, heaven help me, it’s a relative or close friend whose child is the instigator?  How on earth do I handle that situation?  

One word to sum this up: Sticky.  Every Mommy on the planet knows
her
child is not the one in violation of some arbitrary rule of etiquette.  It’s always some other heathen brat bullying our darlings.  And if our perfect little muffin does happen to have an altercation with another, he’s surely only defending himself!  Even if someone replays actual video evidence of the event in which our sweet pumpkin pushes a little girl off a swing set, it’s clearly because he learned that behavior from the resident bully!  Besides, maybe that snot-nosed little girl was just being a swing hog.  It happens!

I’ve met hundreds of Mommies.  Very rarely do I run into the parent of a true toot who admits her precious is a bit on the aggressive side.  Most of us think we wouldn’t be worth our weight in changed diapers if we ever admitted such a thing.  It’s just too horrible!  What kind of Mommy goes around telling other people that her baby is anything less than perfect?  Yes, we are insanely protective of our offspring.  However, there’s no problem being ferocious with criticism of other people’s aggressive tots!  Heck, no.  We bad-mouth away. 

But to open your mouth to a Mommy’ face and say you don’t like her tot’s behavior…Yikes.  It’s nearly impossible to avoid offending her, even if her little rug rat is running amok in your own home.  Every Mommy has her own ideas on how to raise children, and there’s nothing wrong with diverse approaches.  But to tell a Mommy that your opinion is different than hers, especially when
your
darling has just been battered by
her
darling, is just asking for a catfight.

1.  Establish rules.
  In a more formal playgroup setting, establish rules.  The guidelines should be the same for all houses, parks, or meeting places.  If you vary the rules depending on which Mommy is more tolerant of having her home demolished, then it’s too confusing for the kids and other Mommies.  Keep the policy consistent.  Don’t go overboard, but address the aggressive or questionable stuff:  sharing, hitting, biting, kicking, tantrums, dropping off kids, “what to do if…” and supervision. 

Put everything in writing and give everyone a copy of the regulations.  If new Mommies join up, give them a copy as well and let them know ahead of time that following the rules is expected.  By the way, if you think setting up structured rules is a bit over the top, remember that all professional childcare facilities and schools have similar guidelines.  Rules are in place for the safety and well-being of all children involved.  Call me obsessive if you want!  Having personally been through playgroup nightmares, I’m telling you, it sucks.  Avoid it, girlfriend, or you’ll be up all night fretting over stupid social etiquette.       

Although a structured set of rules is best, if you’re like most Mommies, you’ll have a playgroup with less stringent guidelines for play.  When your sweetie is consistently badgered in an established playgroup with no set rules, you have a couple options.  You can suggest that setting up some rules might be a good idea since you’ve seen some conflicts.  Or, you can try to negotiate with the Mommy of the instigator.  (Good luck.)

2.  Keep it compatible.
  Mommies need to get along with Mommies, and little people need to get along with little people.  Otherwise, the entire date will end up resembling a torture ride at a Halloween carnival.  This guideline is especially important because you may end up being the sole supervisor of another Mommy’s child.  If her tot and your tot don’t get along, you are literally cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

There are times when two perfectly wonderful toddlers get together and bring out the worst in one or the other, or both.  Recently witnessing a biting fracas at the park, I heard the mother of the biter insist her child hardly ever did that, and when he did, for some strange reason, it was always the same kid that he bit.  My friend Kristy had a similar story regarding one particular child that her daughter Kate simply does not like.  When the two are forced to play together, it makes the Mommies feel like referees in a boxing match.  The children get around each other and turn into “little demons.”  (Kristy’s words, not mine!  I may be a blabbermouth, but not stupid enough to call my friend’s kid a demon.  Sheesh, if that ain’t dynamite waiting to be lit…)  For whatever reason, when thrown together, these children act so uncharacteristically stubborn, willful, ornery, and aggressive that playdates are simply a no-go.  Lunch date spaghetti doesn’t even get boiled before both Moms are drenched with sweat and exhausted from breaking up the battles. 

3.  Distract unfriendly friends.
  It’s not uncommon for Mommies to take turns dropping their kids off at a friend’s house for an hour or two.  This frees one Mommy to run her five hundred errands and gives the host Mommy a break from constantly entertaining her own child.  It’s a fabulous relief when kids play with each other and leave you alone for five minutes, but toddlers aren’t exactly the most social and amiable creatures.  When you force a toddler to spend an hour with another little human being who is just as devoid of manners, you’ll have to face the inevitable clash.  When the visitor initiates the scuffle and the Mommy isn’t around to referee, my friend Holly has a quick and effective rule of thumb:
DISTRACT, DON’T DISCIPLINE.
 

Generally speaking, when in a new environment, toddlers won’t give you much trouble.  They should respond nicely to “Oh, let’s share, honey” or “Let’s be careful please.”  If the visiting tot does something incredibly heinous, feel free to say in a normal voice, “we do not bite/hit/threaten other children/throw rocks at windows” or whatever, but don’t take it upon yourself to give the child a time-out or any other form of punishment.  If you do, you’d better be up to date on your CPR skills.  You’ll need to revive the other Mommy when she finds out and has a heart attack. 

Distraction is the key when dealing with a visiting child.  Do what you must to keep the visitor corralled until Mommy comes back.  Then decide whether or not to continue the babysitting exchange with the Mommy.  If the behavior is really out of character, cut the kiddo some slack.  It’s possible the poor critter is tired, getting sick, or even just having a bad day.

When it comes to playgroups and dates, my girlfriends and I have learned the hard way that you have to be choosy about your kid’s friends.  Toddlers come wrapped in a package with their Mommy, and if she’s not right up your alley, don’t mess around making up your mind to beg off playdates.  If you’re a poor judge of character, beef up on the skill or you’re in for some bizarre quandaries.  I kid you not; there are some loon crazy Mommies out there. 

Be wary or you’ll get yourself into situations where you
have
to invite them to birthday parties, or you
have
to take their kid home from preschool.  I’m telling you, it’s a social nightmare.  Learn to quickly recognize characteristics you don’t like in other Mommies, and listen to your instincts.  Don’t bother brushing it off as a bad first impression or chalk it up to having a rotten day.  If they’re bitchy and neurotic on Tuesday, they’ll probably be bitchy and neurotic on Friday.     

Most Mommies recognize when their child gets out of control.  But that potential thorn in your side is out there, so be on the lookout!  I’ve interacted with tons of Mommies and yes, I’ve run into several who (a) I simply can’t stand to be around, or (b) let their children be aggressive for unreasonable amounts of time.  Obviously, it’s not her intention to be impolite or blatantly disregard the feelings of others.  More likely she’s either distracted or simply overwhelmed.  These Mommies want sympathy, not advice, and certainly not reprimands toward their child.  Well, yoohoo!  Sympathy only goes so far.  When we dread getting together with the other party, we’ve had enough.   

You may not agree with the other Mommy’s approach to discipline, but the best response is to respect her views.  No matter how ticked off, a wise Mommy will never boldly blurt out her opinions to another Mommy.  When faced with a situation in which another child is consistently aggressive or cantankerous, your easy solutions are limited:  You can bite your tongue and guide your child on how to handle the attacks, or you can remove your child from the presence of the offending toddler. 

If you feel that separation is the best alternative, then you really only have three options: you can lie, be honest, or keep your mouth shut.  Personally, I’d choose the last option and zip my perpetually footed mouth while backing off with my child in tow.  Lying would entail making excuses as to why you can’t get together once you find out that so-in-so’s kid will be at the playgroup.  Or giving so-in-so herself some long winded story about why you invited everyone else to your house except her little Boxing Betty.  Being honest is much harder, but honorable, and leaves your integrity intact.  However, trying to be honest can be like poking a hornet’s nest, so be as nice and gentle as you can.  Otherwise you might stir up hell’s fury and end up stung.

Refrain from going into any gory or offensive detail.  Just tell whomever you wish that your child and little Betty don’t seem to get along very well and you think it best if you didn’t get them together anymore.  Betty’s Mommy will push for specifics, but
keep the conversation very general. 
 Let her think you’re an imaginative, ignorant, and judgmental fool if you must, but don’t give in to her persistence at wanting to know exact circumstances.  In actuality, if the behavior is that bad and you’ve had enough, the other Mommy is clearly in denial.  Honey, she doesn’t
really
want to know.  Don’t insist on telling her.  Deep down, she may know the behavior’s there, but if you force her to deal with it, you’ll either get a hairy eyeball or a tongue-lashing-break-down-in-progress.  Not good.

When Backing Out Won’t Do:
  If you feel strongly that your child deserves to be in the playgroup just as much as Frank the Fighter, and you think Frank’s Mommy needs to get an earful, then do what you wish, but hear me out first.  Remember the old adage “I can say anything about my child but you can’t say a word”?  Heed the warning.  Professionally, Dr. Chandler and I have been around too many aggressive kids to count, and it all comes back to parents.  Most Mommies of consistently aggressive children will not be receptive no matter what you have to say, and ALL Mommies are bound to be defensive when someone else disciplines their child or brings up something even minutely unenthusiastic. 

Parents and educators pursue Dr. Chandler like a rock star, begging for help with their out-of-control and aggressive kids.  Yet even then, caregivers can be defensive and resistant to suggestions.  So when it comes to regular old Mommy-to-Mommy issues, bite a hole in your lip before making any suggestions.  Sometimes the Mommy will be as nice as a spring flower, asking you point-blank if there’s a problem.  Warning!  Don’t fall for it unless you’re a great judge of character.  Learn to sniff out fake nice or you’ll have one fugly scene.