Life With Toddlers (13 page)

When out of good options and Tyrant Tyler needs to be ousted from the playgroup, do so quietly and discreetly.  Don’t go and gossip to everyone in the neighborhood.  Just make an agreement with the other Mommies in the group to be honest with Tyler’s Mommy and give her the “our kids don’t seem to play well together” approach.  You could even openly tell her that you and the other Mommies respect her hesitance to address the hitting, biting, or whatever, but you disagree and feel it best if she doesn’t return with her child.  Don’t gang up on her.  Chances are she’s either highly defensive or highly fragile.  Neither scenario stacks the cards in your favor by being cruel.  Remember, if the kid is completely out of control,
there’s a reason
.  So be nice!    

Having the unfortunate luck to have dealt with some seriously psychotic and disturbed individuals (not all of them Mommies of young children), I’ve got to tell you, being completely honest doesn’t always work.  Sometimes you must fudge a bit to get the person moving on and out of your life.  You can distinguish the truly “off” people by your gut feeling of truth and trust.  Let me explain.  Do they blatantly lie, make up ridiculous tales, or spread gossip?  Do they use you or others to achieve their own selfish goals?  Cheat?  Treat others (even their children) cruelly?  Expect special treatment for no good reason?  Have you seen them blow up at anyone or get unreasonably aggressive or haughty?  Do you have any doubts as to the safety and well-being of your child in their care?  Make no mistake; these people need help.  And you cannot provide it.  So give it up and stay the heck away. 

When you find yourself immersed in a relationship with someone before you realize you’re seriously screwed, there
is
a way out.  You can stop calling, make excuses, cut them out of your life, and let them think whatever they want.  Just expect gossip and repercussions.  If you’re a strong person, you can handle it.  OR, when there’s no real polite or otherwise effective way of getting the person to peacefully bug off, you can put the onus on yourself.  Make it your fault. 
You
aren’t good enough for them. 
You
can’t give them what they need. 
Your
child just doesn’t measure up to theirs.  Whatever you dream up.  It’s technically dishonest, but sometimes the easiest way to deal with this type of personality.  They have a desperate need for positive attention and absolutely hate it when you outdo them, try to prove them wrong, or disagree with their twisted logic.  I’m not advising you to be a wuss; just be smart.  Keep their ego intact and you’ll be in for a lot less misery.     

It’s bad enough when you have to deal with the unmanageable child of an acquaintance.  Substitute it with a toddler you’ve known and loved since birth, and a Mommy you’ve been crazy about for ages, and you’ll be popping antacids like the farty old man next door. 

Family:
  For tooty family members you encounter on a regular basis, don’t air your concerns.  You’ll gain nothing but family discord.  Now, a strong personality can deal with this, so if you feel the need, go for it.  Sometimes you have to stand your ground - and I get that.  But the easiest way to handle this situation is to glue yourself to your child and supervise his play at family gatherings.  It may mean tearing yourself away from the adults and missing out on the family gossip, but if cousin Chloe is just waiting for the opportunity to knock your kid silly as soon as you turn your back, you have to keep your eye on cousin Chloe.  When you maintain a consistent presence, you can offer your skills as a professional referee just as soon as the board books start flying.    

Friends:
  Now, where close friends are concerned, it’s different.  First assess the friendship you have with this person.  Is the Mommy someone you adore?  Will she help you grow?  Does she add joy to your life or do you find yourself worried about interactions with her?   Next, consider whether or not the kids are compatible.  If you are absolutely certain the friendship is strong, then toddler compatibility may be the root of the problem.  Your anxieties over the behavior of her child could very well be reciprocated, so keep an open mind and don’t judge her kid when yours could be just as wild and crazy.  When your distress is strictly limited to the behavior of the toddler(s) in question, then separation is the best bet.  Or you could always continue seeing each other, but keep your opinions and concerns bottled and wait out the tumultuous times.  Let your children get through the toddler years and see if the situation improves. 

Some experts advise that when the Mommy of the offender is a close friend, you should tell her that while your kids don’t seem to be a good playdate match, you’d still like to get together with her kids-free.  Now, you will have to forgive me as I rant about this particular piece of hooey.  Yes, it’s possible for this scenario to work, but you need to know the downside.  Be careful when choosing this option. 

In a broad sense, suggesting a kids-free friendship is no more potentially lethal to the relationship than any alternative, but you’ve got to know this is a loaded gun.  No matter how delicately you approach the topic of separating your children, your friend could end up in a heap of tears.  And that’s not the end of it.  She could quickly recover from the onslaught and mount an impressive defense, lighting in to your fat ass about daring to suggest her child isn’t good enough for yours.  Oh yes, it can get FUG-LY.    

People are generally not keen on insinuations that their child is objectionable.  Your friend may have a policy that stipulates, “If my child is not welcome,
I
am not welcome.”  Even when you mean nothing of the sort, if she feels you’re clearly rejecting her child and it equates to rejection of her as well, then the damage is done.  There’s no going back, and you’ll have to accept the consequences of broaching the subject.

There.  I’ve fulfilled my responsibility in mentioning the kids-free friendship and pointing out the possible death sentence to your alliance.  Having said that, if the friendship is secure and strong, then it just might work.  It’s conceivable your comrade will accept the differing parenting philosophies or agree that the kids’ personalities are not compatible.  After shaking hands on a solution, break out the champagne and toast your faithful buddy because you’re darn lucky to have such a pal. 

Will the Real Problem Please Stand Up?
  In all likelihood, the behavior of the child in question is not the real problem.  Kids are kids and will, at some point or another, act discourteous, grab, yell, bite, hit, and basically act like grumpy pit vipers.  So what?  All of our kids do it.  But when you get really irritated with the behavior of another Mommy’s little waddle bug, step back and take a gander at the big picture. 

Toddlers will only do what they get away with.  Don’t get mad at the short people in the scenario because they’re just going about the business of being a toddler.  Caregivers are the ones with sole responsibility in making sure the tot isn’t constantly offensive to others.  If the other Mommy truly doesn’t feel the behavior is a big deal, then the entire problem becomes your own.  You need to figure out whether you can accept her toddler’s behavior…or not. 

Between my three children, they have been yelled at, squeezed, pinched, bitten, swat, scratched, kicked, whacked, thieved, pushed, knocked over and ran over.  Poppy has even gotten a nasty welt the size of a marble banged into the back of her head.  And believe me; my children have certainly dished out their fair share of reciprocation.  (Off the top of my head I recall Poppy dragging another child across the floor by her ponytail, and Mimi chomping a hole out of Poppy’s arm over a red crayon.  I think that counts as “bad”.)  However, with each incident, as long as the behavior was addressed, the other Mommies and I could have cared less.  Everyone survived without permanent scarring because we maintained a sense of respect for each other.  We were compatible and comfortable in our relationships.   

True problems arise only when you get irritated or have disagreements with the Mommy herself.  Keep this in mind when considering the risk of telling her your feelings.  If you don’t have a relationship built on mutual honesty, integrity, and respect, then what do you really have?  If the relationship is sound, you shouldn’t fear being honest with her or hesitant to ask her kid to follow your house rules.  When you must deal with the behavior of another child in your own home, you should tell the other Mommy your house rule and ask if
she
would like to address it or if
you
should. 
There should be no question as to whether the rule is valid or whether the rule will be followed.

Being reserved or less than courteous about following your rules (believe me, it happens) is grounds for some serious relationship scrutiny.  Balking at simple courtesies like being respectful to you, your child, and your home, may mean that the friendship isn’t as friendly as you thought.  Sure, you may have a fetish about having your white couch stained with cherry Kool-Aid, and you may be a bit protective of your Grandfather clock, but it’s your house.  You’re allowed a sparkling white couch and crack-free glass clock.  When another Mommy finds it unreasonable that drinks and lollipops stay in the kitchen and toy hammers stay off the clock, she has every right to smile kindly and deferentially pass up any offers to play at your house.    

Responsibility – Looking at the Big Picture:
  I know I’ve painted an ugly picture, but before you go and get thoroughly irked at some Mommy for not taking responsibility for the behavior of her child, consider the situation.  Most Mommies of unruly children are burned out and exhausted.  They are tired beyond reason.  They are sick to death of talking, yelling, spanking, time-outs, taking away privileges, and being embarrassed in public. 

Honest Mommies of extremely aggressive toddlers will openly admit that the behavior you see is not limited to public displays, and not limited to other children.  They have tearfully told me that they themselves are being hit, kicked, yelled at, spit on, and pushed around as well.  These Mommies face incredibly intense emotions of humiliation, anger, confusion, and sadness.  So when it comes to being hard on other Mommies for not assuming responsibility for her child’s behavior, remember that most caring parents really are doing their best amidst a horribly difficult situation.

What to do when your child is picked on (Cry, of course! Just kidding!)

Three strategies to decrease fights during playdates and playgroups:

1. Establish Rules.
   
2. Keep it compatible.
   
3. Distract Unfriendly Friends.
   

How to tackle problems in playgroups that have no formal rules.

Strategies to deal with Mommies of aggressive toddlers.

What happens when the Mommy is a close friend or family member.

The real reason behind our aggravation with other toddlers.

Having survived many different tantrums with many different kids, it seems to me there are three types.  The first type is the
Need tantrum
.  These occur when kids have a need we haven’t met, like food, rest, or emotional expectations.  The second type is the
Overload tantrum
.  Just like a computer, toddlers will blow up and crash when overloaded with too much information for their little minds to process.  The third type is the
Demand tantrum
, which is the worst and hardest to deal with.  Toddlers use this tantrum to get what they want and get it fast – for no other reason than it works.

Need and Overload tantrums are fairly straightforward and easy to solve.  (1) Make sure your child is fed and rested before you venture out with him, (2) be respectful of his schedule, and (3) don’t crush his expectations.

Don’t expect angelic behavior if you push it and drag him out when he’s hungry or tired.  When nap time rolls around, GO HOME and let him take a nap.  Listen, he's not going to be Mr. Sit-Quiet-and-Peaceful in that stroller (torture chamber on wheels) when he’s exhausted and needs a bed.  And don’t slap him with more stimulus by letting him take a spin on the Christmas train at the mall.  Hells bells people!  Overload!  And as far as expectations, try your darndest to follow through with plans.  If you’ve told him about it and he’s excited, he might very well pitch a fit if plans change and he gets crushed. 

What to do with Need or Overload Tantrums

So once the tantrum monster comes looking for blood, stop and take five seconds to assess if it’s a Need or Overload tantrum. 

Need Tantrum:  Food/Rest:
  get your child some sleep or nourishment – fast.  Do not reprimand or try to correct these tantrums, because the poor critters can’t help it.  Think of how you feel when you’re starving or dog-tired.  You’re cranky, right?  Toddlers are often having so much fun that they don’t even realize how hungry or tired they are until it hits them like a brick.  They’re just going along in life, having a great time, and BAM!  Those bodily needs take over their brain.

Exhausted or ravenous toddlers are irritable, sometimes furious.  It’s okay to tell them, “I need you to calm down - Mommy is getting your food,” or “I know you’re hungry, but we do not kick.”  Just don’t punish a famished or tired toddler with a time-out.  Solve the problem by feeding your child some nourishing food with protein or putting her to bed.  Keep reassuring your little one that food (or sleep) will make her feel better.

Need Tantrums:  Emotional Expectations:
  The best way to avoid these is to plan for contingencies.  Remember my grocery cart story with Poppy?  (Chapter 1)  She wanted to ride in a special cart and I told her “yes.”  Then I changed plans and she threw a tantrum.  In that situation, I should have said, “I’m not sure, honey.  We’ll see.”  That would have been the easiest way for me to change the (
A
) in my TAG.  But as soon as I promised the special cart, her expectations were set.

Do your best to prepare your toddler for a possible change in plans.  Go ahead and tell them the plan if you want but add the possibility of adjustment.  Instead of “We’re going to Jake’s house to play after lunch,” say, “As long as Jake is feeling well, we’ll go to his house after lunch.”  Or you could say, “We’ll try to go to Jake’s house after lunch.  Hopefully it will work out, because sometimes things change.”

If plans end up changing, and your child is getting upset, that’s the best time to guide him on what to do and what to say (ex: “I’m really mad!  You said we could go!”)  Try to stop that tantrum before it happens.  Give him an outlet.  Feelings of disappointment, anger, frustration, and upset are fine, but we cannot throw a tantrum.  There are better ways to express those feelings.  Guide your child on what to do and say.  Be specific, and talk on their level.

When you find yourself up a creek with a disappointed, raging kid, hold to your guns and do not give in to the tantrum.  The special cart tantrum was MY fault, but I still didn’t give in.  I missed the cues and opportunity to fix the problem and guide her on what to do and say, and I felt horrible about it.  But once she got out of control, although I didn’t punish her, I also didn’t rearrange kids or go get a second cart so she could have her own.  (Imagine pushing one cart and dragging the other at the same time.  Navigational nightmare!)

She was way beyond happy.  There was no reasoning with my child at that point, so I had to just let her finish.  Besides, that was not an appropriate response.  Toddlers have to learn that tantrums – no matter the reason – are not appropriate.

Unmet expectations let everyone down, adults too.  Life happens, plans change, and disappointment is something we all must learn to deal with.  That being the case, your child may still cry when he’s let down, but hopefully it won’t be a furious-raging-tantrum-cry. 

Overload Tantrum:
  The reason for the tantrum is that your kid needs OUT and away from stimulus.  I don’t care if you’ve waited in anticipation for the big birthday party at Harold’s Hamburger House for six weeks.  He’s not having fun, so what’s the point?  Get your toddler out of the mind-blowing situation and take him someplace quiet.  If you’re shopping, get out quick.  Go outside and let him regain control.  Stay by his side in case he needs you, and refrain from saying anything other than, “When you calm down, we can go back inside.”  And only say this about once every minute (an eternity in tantrum time).

Let me reiterate:
DO NOT TALK
.  Your child is already on overload and doesn’t need you filling his ears with more jumble.  That one sentence (above), once a minute, is E-nough.

Once your child advances to the kicking/hitting stage, put him down someplace out of the way, and let him go ballistic.  If he tries to deck you, take his arms or legs and say, “No”.  Let go and step aside.  When he begins to wind down (which could take a good 10-15 minutes) and you see the rage begin to quiet, provide reassurance and comfort.  Offer a hug if needed.  Then go home.  At this point, you could both use a rest.

If he doesn’t stop in 10-15 minutes (this happens on occasion), figure out the best way to safely pick him up, and leave.  Most kids can’t sustain the violent kicking and hitting very long; muscles wear out.  But they
can
go limp and keep screaming – which is (strategically speaking) the best way to give you continued trouble.  However, the bottom line is that you are bigger.  Use good judgment as far as your own physical needs, but do your best to get him in a car seat and be on your merry way.  And girl, I know; groceries are in the basket, errands aren’t finished, and time is short.  It sucks.  I’ve been there and feel your pain.

When all is said and done, remember: You’re addressing the problem quite wonderfully by giving your child a time-out and taking him away from the source of the overload.  Our job is to teach kids how to handle their emotions and actions when they get over-stimulated, stressed, and out of control.  We must also meet needs to keep future detonations to a minimum. 

Overload tantrums will also creep up if a child is presented with too many choices.  Two and three-years-olds do not need, nor can they handle, more than
two
choices for any given activity or want.  Your intention may be honorable in not wanting to force your will upon the child, but if you put him in situation after situation in which he’s faced with too many choices, you’re asking for overload.  Your toddler’s job is to enjoy life and learn by playing.  Asking him to make a choice about something every five minutes is not fair.  Don’t make his brain work so hard.

When your toddler makes no attempt to make a polite request (i.e., “Blue dress today, Mommy?”) then as the adult, you chose the dress for the day.  If your little tootsie pop isn’t happy with the selection,
then
give her two choices.  When the two choices are met with an emphatic “No!” and pumpkin-poo decides to pitch a fit, tough noogies. 

Throwing a tantrum for more choices actually means she needs
fewer choices and more limits
.

When toddlers get out of control, you choose for them.  Period.  You are the big person and you know what your child needs.

As the all-time bad guy and most horrible of fits, these tantrums can easily become a habit and excellent way for Jr. to break you down and make you concede to his every whim.  Losing control of a child who makes Demand tantrums a negotiating tool will create a long, long trip down the parenting highway, girlfriend!  

Demand tantrums are characterized by yelling, crying, wailing, going limp, or acting out by hitting, pushing, kicking, biting, thrashing about or attempting to tear away from you – when they don’t get their way.  Toddlers should certainly be allowed to feel anger, but violence and screaming are not appropriate. 

With the first stomp and whine of a Demand tantrum, you must take control.  Separate your child from the source of the demand and give him
no
attention or fun.  If your little guy is playing and starts to tantrum because it’s time to eat, take your toddler away from the toys, put him in an established spot (we’ll talk about where in a minute) and proceed to
give him the opposite of the demand
– in this case, to continue playing. 

If you are trying to put on his jacket for a trip to the park and he yells “No!” tell your child “Put on your jacket, or no park.”  If he doesn’t cooperate, guess what?  No park.  No idle threats, Mommy.  Squash it early.  Follow through with your consequence.  Toddlers have an excellent memory for what works.  Give him the opposite of his demands, and he’ll quickly figure out that the behavior isn’t successful.

Direct consequences and time-outs are the best way to deal with Demand tantrums
.  Only use direct consequences if you’re in a situation where the results are instant.  The park is an excellent example.  If you’re putting on his jacket because you were specifically going to the park, and he doesn’t cooperate, there is a direct and instant result: no park. 

By the way, don’t use this tactic if you have more than one kid who wants the park.  Denying both kids a privilege over the behavior of one isn’t fair.  In this case, you’ll have to figure out a different consequence - maybe sitting out for the first five minutes at the park while the other kid gets to play. 

In order to be effective, the consequence has to be immediate.  If you’re trying to shop and tell your toddler, “Be quiet or you won’t go to the park later” then it gives him nothing he CAN do, and the delayed consequence means diddly-squat.  It won’t work.   

To give yourself a heads-up on what type of tantrum you’re dealing with, look at the frequency and time of day in which the tantrum beast starts to roar.  If your toddler seems to have a meltdown every day after preschool, it may be a Need tantrum.  For example, if your sweetie is asking to eat and acting tired just as soon as you pick her up from school, she could simply be starving and exhausted due to all the excitement and activity.  If you have your child on a good schedule, you can easily meet needs by knowing when nap or mealtime is approaching.

Overload tantrums are more of a judgment call.  If the kid makes like dynamite in the middle of a video arcade, it’s not exactly a case for Sherlock Holmes.  On the other hand, we Mommies don’t always get red flags the size of a blimp, so we must take a look at the day or week our toddler has been through.  This is all about the
A
in TAG.  Figure out contributing factors.  Take a look at increases in family stress.  Are you distracted, sad, or edgy for some reason?  Are you or Daddy having a difficult time at work?  Kids pick up on these emotions! 

Being tense, you may unknowingly treat your child differently.  You could be ignoring or yelling without realizing it.  A toddler can get anxious and overloaded when faced with strange and intense emotions from parents.  One night not so long ago, I was ready to mash my kids’ potatoes when my husband stepped in and said, “Whhhooooaaa. 
Calm down
.”  Good thing he did; I had no idea I was being such an ass.  My dinner that night was a glass of wine and Tylenol, and only two whole days later did I realize it was dadgum PMS making me crazed.     

Other stressors could be illness, trips out of town, change in homes, jobs, childcare, or even a death in the family.  Also, new siblings most definitely bring on Overload tantrums!  Think of how traumatic it is for a two or three-year-old to realize a miniature, unsightly, and annoying creature has invaded their home and stolen Mommy and Daddy’s attention.  Horrible, stinky, mangy little rat taking over the household – no fair!  Complain to management, ASAP!

For the draining Demand tantrums, look at frequency.  Frightful daily explosions?  Yep.  Demand.  Another subtle hint is a toddler who is generally severe with everyday “requests” and insists you vacuum the carpet, fetch the neighbor’s cat for him to play with, or go outside and mow the lawn RIGHT NOW!  Even if he’s not rolling on the floor wailing, if he won’t take no for an answer, he’s a Demand Tantrum kind of guy. 

I happen to love the time-out concept because it’s such a peaceful solution – a perfect example of how a technical (
P
) (“punishment” in TAG) should work.  It’s a break from an angering situation and a wonderful way to teach your child how to regain control during a Demand or Overload tantrum. 
When used correctly
, I have yet to see a time-out fail. 

A time-out can work wonders, but take note: time-out does not always solve the entire problem.

So plug in TAG.

When trying to decrease undesirable behavior, look at the reason for the outburst.  What reaction (
C
) will stop or discourage the behavior?  Time-out is a way for children to center themselves and regain control of their emotions. 
In and of itself, time-out is a total problem solver IF the behavior is for attention.
  When your toddler acts inappropriately simply to be noticed, and you put her in time-out to remove yourself and your attention, then you’re addressing the underlying issue and choosing (
P
) in the ABC Guide.  You’re denying the child what she wants – your attention.