Life With Toddlers (15 page)

1. Give specific guidance.  You can’t just say, “Don’t do that again.”
   
2. Tell him - in words he’ll understand - exactly how you want him to express his frustration or impatience next time.
   
3. This is important.
    
   Give him an alternative behavior
   such as tugging your pant leg, stomping one foot, using words (“Please hurry”; “Don’t do that!”; “Stop!”) – whatever you can accept.  He must have an outlet for the frustration; and
   you
   must pay attention, recognize it, and guide him.
   
4. The next step is to take the cue.  Watch him like a hawk for further impending crunching episodes, and nip it before you have another munched victim.  Step in and offer an appropriate solution to the problem.  Repeat the alternative you’ve worked out as much as needed until he remembers and uses it appropriately.  If biting continues in a social setting, pack up and leave the excitement.  That’s your cue that overload is in high gear.
   

Our Baby as Bitee

If your child is the victim of a little snapdragon, DON’T FREAK OUT.  Resist the urge to slug the other Mommy or call an ambulance for your poor little darling.  Etiquette calls for the Mommy of the biter to come running, apologize, and take care of the snapping turtle. 

Tend to your wounded child with hugs, ice on the teeth marks, Neosporin, or whatever, but stay calm.  The wound may look vicious and ugly, but kids are amazingly resilient.  Your little one will probably forget all about the unpleasant episode after a lollipop.  If the situation is just too horrible for you to endure without taking your injured child to the doctor, feel free to do so – but don’t screech at the other Mommy to pay for it.

Hey, you
will
both live through it.  The other Mommy will probably be just as horrified as you, so try to be gracious. Yes, I know you want to kick her in the shin for not paying better attention to her little heathen, but think how you would feel if the tables were turned.  Most Mommies are sincere in their sympathy and apologies.  Wouldn’t you be?    

Toddler bickering is so common and frequent, you’d think we Mommies would take the hint and stop shoving our offspring into the snake pit and forcing them to be social.  But no, we continually throw our docile babies in with the king cobras, forcing upon them our own communal needs.  Playdates and preschool programs are sought out with religious fervor, so convinced we are that our children will have a splendid time with other similarly aged little creatures.  The fact of the matter is, until toddlers reach about three or four years of age, they don’t exactly play interactively.  Rather, they tend to “parallel play” which means they’ll play
among
other toddlers, but not necessarily
with
them.   

To a toddler, parallel play does not mean space invaders.  It does not call for other aliens to waddle into personal play space and proceed to interfere with, demolish, or otherwise wreak havoc on the current work in progress.  Toddlers are fascinated by watching other toddlers, but often times the closest they get to initiating polite interaction is by snatching a toy. 

Part of toddlerhood is learning how to interact with others, so if you happen to see a dispute, don’t rush to save your little one too quickly.  Sometimes it’s beneficial to let children try to negotiate the problem on their own.  If no fists or toys are flying and no tantrums seem inevitable, let the parties involved try to come to an agreement.  Your green light to step in and mediate is when you anticipate imminent howling or boo boo’s. 

At that point, jump in and teach the kids how to behave in that particular situation.  Let’s say Jack is sitting on a book.  Mary wants it.  So she steps all over his blocks to get it.  Show them how to resolve the issue peacefully and appropriately.  “Jack, Mary doesn’t mean to step on your blocks.  She’d like the book you’re sitting on.  May she have it please?”  If he cooperates, have Mary thank him and then thank them both for working out the problem in such a nice way.

Don’t assume kids know how to act.  Model, model, model!  Demonstrate the correct behavior, and once children are old enough, have them repeat after you.  When your toddler attempts to grab a toy from you, offer an alternative.  Give a verbal example:  “Tell Mommy, ‘May I have the toy please?’”  Always model desired language. 

Along those same lines, don’t assume toddlers know it’s uncouth to bonk another kid on the head when they want the occupied toy.  We must TELL and SHOW our children what’s appropriate.  “We do not hit other children on the head.  Bobby is playing with the toy right now.  You may choose something else to play with.”  Guide your child to another part of the room and get them engaged in another activity.  If all else fails and you have no idea who started what, put the toy in a “time-out.”  That will usually settle any terribly hairy disputes.

So what about the smart-mouthed little brat we always run into at the park or local pool who doesn’t know manners from rocket science?  It’s definitely considered bickering, so how do we handle it?  I’d say, “With gusto!”  Make no bones about it.  Tell the child calmly and firmly how he or she should be acting.  I constantly find myself telling other kids, “We don’t hit,” or “Stop throwing rocks” when they’re persistently throwing pebbles or bonking my kids on the head with their swim noodle.  And why do I find myself frequently redirecting other kids?  Because the parents of these little beasties are nowhere to be found.

You need not worry that some parent will rush up and start a cockfight.  When it comes to lone kids, the behavior is generally quite typical because - obviously - the parents aren’t around to straighten them up.  And
if
by some miracle the parents actually happen to be present and paying attention, oddly enough, they’re usually surprised and horrified to see some other parent telling their kid to back off.  Only once has another parent even given notice that I told their kid to cut it out, and in that case, the parent immediately pounced on their child, letting him have it for being rotten. 

If the parent of a little bully isn’t around to defend your child and guide their own, be my guest in guiding the child yourself.  Be nice, but firm.  Parents who
are
present and paying attention deserve the benefit of the doubt, but not forever.  (There’s a 5-10 minute limit to this, people!)  Hoping the attention-drifting parent will snap out of it and help, you can first make a (loud) general comment to the kid like, “Oh, let’s be nice,” but don’t fully reprimand right off the bat.  Give the caregiver a short lead-time to do the right thing.  If they don’t, you’re good to provide full redirection: “Don’t hit; Wait your turn; No running; Stop spitting.”  (And feel free to skip the correct niceties: “Saliva stays in your mouth.”  “Let’s not push kids off the slide and break their legs.”  “We do not shoot kids with a BB gun, honey.”)  Keep your comments to behaviors that affect only your child.  Sad, but true, most parents of consistently annoying kids are either ghosts or exhausted and whipped beyond reason.  They don’t walk around
telling
their kid to be snotty and hostile.  They just don’t have it in them to jump on the kids when they are. 

I know, of course, hoarding toys is absolutely and completely normal.  However, there is the rare child (ha!) who hoards to an extreme, getting a few kids and parents rather cheesed.  If Jeremy has his eye on Daniel’s fire truck, it’s no fair for Daniel to put the toy behind him to “protect” it while he plays with something else.  Or, if Daniel finishes playing with the fire truck and Jeremy rushes in for a turn, Daniel shouldn’t race back to the truck and start a snatching match.  Toys are for sharing and kids need to learn how to play nice.  Daniel needs to give it up and let poor Jeremy have a turn. 

Even if you don’t think hoarding is such a terrible behavior, try to be respectful of other Mommies and their children.  Being that no child is ever keen on sharing, you might find it a daily chore reminding your munchkin not to hoard.  Something as trivial as a plastic ice cream cone can spur a screaming match worthy of a Hollywood horror.  When it comes to hoarding, kids need us to step in and provide guidance.  Otherwise, one little person will inevitably end up wrestled to the ground and stomped into hamburger meat. 

Children will have a natural desire to hoard objects, especially their favorites.  If your toddler has a couple of special toys, then by all means, allow her sole ownership.  Put away the favorite fairy princess when you invite ten other girls over for a party, and don’t allow big brother to take the favorite lovey or other stuffed animal unless you really want some catastrophic heart break.  Let toddlers have a couple of favorites to call their own, and leave the rest for sharing.

Teach your child how to share and settle disputes when playing with others.  Physically show your toddler how to act.  Put a pause button on your conversation with another Mommy.  Get up, go over to your child, and demonstrate what you expect.  If you don’t show them, they won’t know!

Let each of your children have a space of their own where they can work in peace and not get constantly interrupted by a sibling.  Sharing is one thing, but toddlers need to learn respect for one another, even if it’s a younger sibling (who doesn’t know any better) pestering an older one.  Don’t berate your three-year-old for not sharing her puzzle pieces with baby brother when you know full well he’ll promptly pop the pieces in his mouth and start munching. 

Have your older child take big-kid activities to the kitchen table or a separate room in order to play in peace and avoid baby sister’s grabby hands.  If she has a certain toy she wants to play with alone (I’d bet Mrs. Potato Head falls into this category), allow her the luxury.  Sharing is a must, yes, but it’s also a must for your toddler to
get
respect if she’s to learn to appreciate the value and reciprocate. 

Keep in mind that sick toddlers can be especially unruly.  Making you wonder if she’s been taking grumpy pills, your perfect pumpkin may be getting sick.  Sore throats, stomach aches, ear infections, allergies, and headaches are all hard-to-express ailments.  And really, we tend to forget how completely awful those symptoms feel unless we’ve recently been through it.  When was the last time you had a nasty sore throat?  What about a terrible cold that left your ears completely fluid-filled and pounding? 

Teeth are a big issue.  My neighbor Heather once cautiously asked if my kids had ever experienced diarrhea with teething.  Hello!  YES!  Breathing a huge sigh of relief, Heather said her pediatrician firmly informed her that there’s no evidence suggesting teething is associated with such Mommy-freaker-outers as fever and diarrhea.  Feeling foolish for adamantly believing the opposite to be true, Heather was immensely comforted with my snort of indignation and prompt report that her pediatrician’s take on the matter was bunk.  Even if you aren’t paying close attention, common sense will eventually ring a bell when your child consistently pops up a tooth right after experiencing what you’re sure is the flu. 

Getting hysterical about my kids’ teething behavior and physical symptoms is simply my M.O.  Rushing perfectly healthy kids to the doctor under the pretence of imminent death is nothing for me.  So is being thoroughly embarrassed when my doctor kindly informs me that no, my child isn’t dying…just teething.  Sporadic vomiting, diarrhea, lethargy, villainous behavior; all teeth related.  I’ve lost count of how many times I get the urge to toss my children at these doctors and yell, “Yeah?  If you think it’s that simple of a problem, then YOU take care of her!”  However, in my defense, the last time I rushed my child in for nothing (quite recently, I’m ashamed to say), the doctor kindly advised me not to feel bad.  She once had a parent demand a CAT scan for her child, positive the little girl’s horrific behavior was neurologic.  But lo!  Diagnosis?  Teeth.  So ha!  I’m not the only desperate parent in this city. 

It’s all too easy to get lost in your own misery when having to deal with your kid’s howling and acting up, but take a few moments to remember how agonizing it is to have something as simple as a throat infection.  Toddlers have no way of knowing they’ll actually live to see another pain-free day, so it’s especially tough on them.  Draw on your Mommy reserves of patience and kindness.  Give sick toddlers extra love and attention. 

If your toddler happens to be infectious and miserable, put on your nurse cap and keep your little patient at home in bed (or at least relatively still) in order to speed up recovery time.  And refrain from dragging your poor little sickie out of the house.  We Mommies love other tots, but feverish faces, croupy coughs, or anything green and flying is likely to make us shriek with fright as we run to the nearest pump of soap and bottle of disinfectant.  As my friend Taylor puts it, when Poker Night rolls around to her house, “Kids are welcome, but leave the germs at home!”  

Yelling & Arguing:

• Why kids yell
  
• What to say and do
  
• When it’s okay to oblige requests
  
• Two tricks to decrease arguing and protests
  
• Five steps to reduce the demanding “I waaaannnttt it!”
  

Biting:

• Why toddlers bite
  
• 6 simple steps to control biting
  
• Do not reinforce biting
  
• 4steps to providing alternatives
  
• How to handle it when your child is bitten
  

Why toddlers bicker: when and how to intervene (Model, Tell, and Show).

What to do with “lone ranger” bratty kids (no parents around).

How to handle hoarding.

I don’t know about you, but before having children, I was scared sleepless by people telling me, “Don’t let your baby sleep with you!  You’ll never get them out of your bed!”  Good grief!  Are all prospective Mommies doomed to a life of getting your face punched and legs pummeled by a person no bigger than a dog?  A quick poll of the Poker Mommies reveals the guess is fairly close to the norm; only two of us make our kids consistently sleep in their own beds.  The rest can’t, or don’t feel the need, to get the kiddies out of the sacred Master Suite.  To be sure, it certainly puts an interesting twist on married life.  Completely bewildered that these Mommies still have young pups in their den, I posed the question with awe: when and
where
on earth do you have a little married fun if you’re banned from your own love nest? 

My Poker Mommy Carey answered that she and her husband never do the tango in their bed, even before Tessa came along.  Other parts of the house serve them well.  No hanky panky in the master bed – that’s strictly for sleeping.  And Teresa chimed in that nighttime wasn’t prime time for her and hubby anyway, so it’s not a huge deal for little Tanner to sleep with them.

Not at night?  Not in their bed?  I need more specifics!  I’m not exactly a walking lingerie advertisement, but I’m also not a totally cold fish.  The main thing is, a line is drawn in this house; there’s no getting kicked out of my own bed in order to enjoy a bit of married life.  It seems to me that Mommies let little ones invade the Master bed for one of two reasons: they like the comforting closeness, or they’re too tired to fight.  Both reasons boil down to one thing: YOU.  If you want the kids out of your bed yet all efforts fail, it’s probably your own darn fault.  Stop it with your need to cuddle (because it’s
your
need, not theirs), and stop it with being a pushover.  Don’t make me come over there and snatch your Starbucks to get your attention, girlfriend!

My friend Jennifer told me several months ago that she absolutely cannot let little Dean sleep with her.  He’ll be thrown off too much and get out of control.  Skip ahead eight weeks;  all it took for her foot to be kicked out of that firm place on the ground was Mommy being lonely because Daddy left town for a couple of days.  Guess who is now the guest of honor in her bed?  Yep, a friendly critter refusing to leave… 

Really now, what’s the big deal?  Why do children need to sleep in their own beds, and what on earth does that have to do with behavior and discipline?  Basically, it all goes back to building trust and meeting needs to keep kids happy.  Children who sleep well and independently are children who are easier to deal with during the day.  Why?  Because you’ve defined a need of theirs for proper sleep and you meet that need, keeping them happy. 

And with all this sex talk, I don’t know how you could have missed it, but lest we forget we have a mate in bed with us who might – just might – like some respect and time alone with you - or time alone, period?  Sans kids?  No interrupto?  You know, it
is
possible this person doesn’t like waking up to the smell of an eight pound, peed up diaper in their face.  And by the way, when the heck were you
planning
on ditching the kids?  When they’re twelve?  You’ll freaking be divorced by then. 

Now, it’s one thing if your family co-sleeps and loves it.  There are those who are gung ho.  Fine.  However, if you
want
your child to sleep independently, yet keep caving to bedtime demands, it brings us back to consistency and trust (and you being a pushover).  Kids need to trust that when you make a rule, you stick with it.  Constantly giving in to bedtime hassles teaches your child that you do not say what you mean or do what you say. 

Apart from wanting your children to get proper sleep, you must insist your kids sleep independently for
you
.  You need a break, and you need time alone.  Perfectly wonderful parents can easily become crazed and resentful when the desires of children always come first.  Hogging 100% of your waking attention, kids won’t die if you cut back and make some time for yourself at night.  In no way, shape, or form, are you a bad Mommy if you insist on some solitary sleep – even if you’re only doing it to save your marriage.  Your toddler’s need for time and attention will end only when you sprout feathers and wings and fly to the ends of the earth.  I’m telling you, it’s never going to happen, and we parents will die of exhaustion before our kids ever willingly let us rest in peace.     

Most Mommies believe the only way to nip the sleeping problem is to make your child cry it out, and by the time the little guy is old enough to fling himself over the crib rails and toddle through the door you’ve just closed, it’s truly a losing battle.  Heck, by the time he’s protesting sleeping in the crib, there’s usually another little soldier in the mix and Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting enough zzz’s as it is. Your need for sleep wins and it’s too tempting to simply toss back your covers and mumble at him to hop in and be quiet.   

Understand this Mommy; your child will never want to sleep alone until you teach him the value.  You carried him for 40 weeks, and he’ll continue the tradition for as long as you can stand it, or until he’s tired of you and wants to move on to some younger chicks.  Call me cruel and cold and whatever else rolls off your distressed tongue, but the babies need to sleep away from you.  At some point anyway.  Before they’re teenagers.   

Begin by putting your child on a schedule.  Schedules make it infinitely easier to read needs and cries.  When you have a basic daily routine, you can teach your toddler to sleep in his own bed, and have a better feeling about whether his cries indicate a true physical need (“I’m thirsty!”) or if he simply wants your company. 

Even when they’re on a great schedule, typical toddlers tend to wake up twelve times a night shrieking if they’re too hot or cold, lost their water or had a bad dream.  These issues are simple enough.  Offer immediate comfort and sympathy, rescue lost sippy cups or binkies, and shoo away all closet monsters before sending your baby back to dreamland.  Your real trouble, however, comes when the kid refuses to sleep at all and gets on a crying jag.     

Crying it out is actually a learning process for your child.  Although it feels awful for
you
, letting a child cry for a few minutes is really not such a bad thing.  Kids need to learn how to put themselves to sleep. 
Getting immediate attention for cries will only perpetuate getting immediate attention for cries
- a perfect (
R
) in our ABC Guide.  It’s a big, fat, never ending circle!  Besides, your child is crying because she needs help and can’t fall asleep on her own – so help her learn!

Method 1

If at all possible, start the process while a crib is still an option.  It’s likely that the younger your toddler is, the shorter duration she will cry before giving it up and going to sleep.  There’s a five-minute Ferber method that’s been around forever, and here’s the deal: it really does work.  Quite honestly, it sucks, but it works.  Look online for the Ferber method and follow it to a T, or use my version. 

Here’s how to proceed:

• Let your child cry for five minutes.  Stand firm. 
  
• Go in and quickly comfort.  Offer a pat, back rub, kind words, or kiss.  Do NOT pick him up.  Leave.
  
• Repeat as needed; wait five minutes, go in and comfort.
  
• The next night, move it up to ten minutes and repeat the entire cycle until child falls asleep.
  
• Each night thereafter, keep adding five minutes. 
  

OR:

• Implement the five-minute increases the first night. 
  
• Wait five minutes before going in the first time
  
• Wait ten minutes, then fifteen, and so forth. 
  

Whatever you do,
as long as you are consistent
, your child will eventually learn how to comfort herself and fall peacefully asleep.  But you MUST increase the time each night (or all in the first night) until your child is sleeping through the entire night.  Don’t go pantywaist on me or you’ll end up with a kid who’ll sleep until 2 a.m., then wake up like clockwork because that’s as far as you’ve gotten each night before giving up and letting him take over your bed.  

Consistency is truly the key with this, because your toddler keeps a mental log of how long it takes your sleep-deranged self to drag butt into his bedroom.  Some toddlers will be just as consistent as you are.  In that case, since I’m not one to sugar coat an issue, it’s going to be one hell of a battle of wills.  It’s up to you to tough it out longer than your toddler is willing to push.  Whatever you do, you must hold out or you will have put your kid through agony for no good reason.  He
will
remember your wish-wash attitude but will
not
remember the two days or two weeks you spent insisting he learn how to get a full night’s rest.

Method 2

If you insist that suicide is a better choice than closing the door on a distressed child, then try this:

• Stay in the room with him; sit on a chair or the floor.
  
• Keep the lights off; ‘be there’ but don’t do anything physical.
  
• No talking, touching, or eye contact.
  
• If he tries to get out of bed, get up and lay him back down: no talking or eye contact.  Then go back to where you were.
  
• Stay there until he goes to sleep.
  
• Each night, move a little closer to the door until you are out of the room.
  

This method is just a different mental game – and probably sucks even more than the first because you literally have to
will
yourself to sit there in the dark and take the anguish.  But at least you know he’s safe, and he knows you’re there.  In this way,
as long as you do this correctly
, he will come to understand that you are there, but you aren’t going to do anything, so he might as well go to sleep. 

Do NOT, do not, do not (yes, it bears repeating!) turn on any stimulating lights, give him toys,
or give in because you can’t take the crying anymore
.  Be brave, or you will just make things worse.   

If you can’t take this, then don’t do it.  Use the other method so you can at least close the door and go call your mom, have your husband tie you to a chair, or drown yourself in chocolate (ahh, endorphins).  Giving up and failing to follow through with this or any other method will stress your poor child even more.  He won’t know which way is up, down, or backwards, and you’ll just add to the confusion.   

When two weeks of trying and failing rolls around, and your child consistently cries for the entire allotted duration, then there may be more going on than just a sleep issue.  Remember, there is always a reason for undesirable behavior.

If you are
truly being consistent
(in most cases, the parents are not!), yet your child refuses to put herself to sleep, then step back and consider daytime behavior as well.  Is it undesirable?  Are you reinforcing unwanted behavior?  Are you meeting daytime needs effectively?  Look at other factors as well.  Is she sick?  Stressed?  Does she have faith in your promises?  Has she been watching any scary movies or images on T.V.?  Take note! 

My friend Jennifer used to take note of outside circumstances (
A
in ABC) when her son misbehaved at daycare.  She wrote down each time he got into trouble, noted the day of the week, the time, surrounding circumstances, and the caregiver.  In doing so, she figured out that Dean consistently acted out when he missed his nap at daycare, or when his favorite teacher was absent.  With this information, she was able to educate his caregivers on how to decrease the outbursts.         

If attempts to get your child to sleep on her own aren’t working, then you need to try another way to get your child’s recipe right.  Remember, there are certain ingredients that make her tick, and if your stew isn’t coming out the way you expect, you need to change the ingredients you put in.  Step back and take a look at the big picture.  Stop, think, re-assess, and try again.  The key is to
be consistent
when you try something new.  Give it time to work before throwing your hands up in surrender.

Escape!

Crawling out
of “jail” or bed is common.  So when you hear the pat-pat of little feet approaching, get up and march that baby right back into her room.  If she pops up twelve times after you put her down, toddle the little ducky into her room and put her back to bed...twelve times.  Or twenty.  Or fifty.  At some point, you MUST get tough.  Insist your child stay in bed once you put her there.  It’s that simple.  Do it in a loving way, but be adamant.  Do not give in to pleas, do not reinforce the I-need-water-I-can’t-sleep business, and do not bother engaging the demands.  It won’t work.

Truly, one - or even 2-3 three times a night is average and expected, but getting out of bed with twelve different lame requests…I mean, come on!   If getting your child to sleep is this problematic, I’d bet my minivan that daytime behavior is an issue and your little darling is playing a give-me-attention game.  Why?  Because you give in and reinforce undesirable daytime behavior.  Why should your child think the same behavior won’t work at night? 

When your child comes to you with obvious, attention-seeking requests, deny them.  Take that knife jab to the heart and suck it up, because it’s not cute; it’s manipulation.  Keep the discussion to a minimum.  “No honey.  It’s time for bed.”  Then put her back to bed.  Period.  Think me harsh and barbaric all you want.  I’m telling you, happy kids are the ones who get enough love and attention during the day, and good sleep at night.         

Difficult as it is, you’ll have to routinely deal with your child getting out of bed, wandering the halls at all hours, and sneaking into the master sleeping space with Mommy.  You may even work your tail off getting bedtime down to a working science, yet still wake up a few mornings and be surprised to find a midget in bed with you.  Toddlers being the stealth missiles they are, this will happen on occasion.  And hey, wha'd'ya gonna do?  In the meantime, be firm.