Life With Toddlers (19 page)

Can relay future activities: “I’m gonna have a Dora party!”

Still doesn’t understand yesterday well, unless something significant happened

Understand abstract concepts with prior experience and can empathize: when discussing peanut butter stuck on roof of mouth, child says, “Sometimes I eat cookie and that happens.”

Knows name and possibly where they live

Understands differences between girl/boy

Can distinguish same/different in patterns, shapes, etc.

Knows on top, in front, behind, over, around, next to, and under with use of prompts

Attention to task increases to a good 15 minutes; may be restless during tasks, but most are focused

Enlist adult help to increase problem solving

Will tell you about potential harm: “I’m allergic to peanut butter.”

May still attempt to eat non-food items for texture, sucking, chewing, etc.

Dressing:

Can undress and dress self; need prompts or assistance with buttons, buckles, snaps, zippers

Learning to button/unbutton, snap, buckle, zip; many depend on adult, especially if always helped and never given practice

Shoes/socks: Can take off independently; get socks right side in with time (and frustration); can get feet into shoes – may have difficulty manipulating tongue and Velcro; unable to tie laces

Toileting:

75% of kids are independent; 25% need constant physical, verbal, and gestural prompts to complete task

Generally no accidents, but still need prompts with initiation (“It’s time to go to the bathroom.”)

Washing Hands:

Know and anticipate steps; may need prompts, but overall can rub hands with soap and rinse independently

Like to play in water when washing hands; need prompts to stop playing and complete task

Don’t dry hands thoroughly

General:

Express general needs well: hungry, tired, want to go home, need help

Will clean up when given specific prompts/directions

Will wipe nose if handed a tissue, or will get tissue when prompted

Brushes teeth; may need prompts

More interactive play with peers; team up in groups of two

Attentive to other kids and adults; watch intently

Comfort others or give accolades: “It’s okay - you’re Mommy’s almost here.”  “Good Tommy!”

Make up games with others, cooperate and negotiate rules

Pretend play, acting out cooking, being animals

Better about sharing; sometimes very giving, generous

Generally sits quietly when:

1. Don’t want to participate in an activity

2. Finished with task

3. Waiting for turn or instructions

May get up when finished with task and independently go to another task

Reads body language, facial expression, and vocal cues to determine moods/feelings of others; may need prompts and specific instructions on how to react (“He’s very angry right now, so let’s leave him alone.”)

Sometimes impatient with needs/wants and expresses with repetition and increasing volume: “I need yellow, yellow, YELLOW!” 

Looks for attention: “Look at all my colors!”

Increased need for attention if others get it and they don’t: “I’m done too.  Did I do good?”

Very social, engaging with adults; talks about interests: “Look at what I found!”

Talks about activities (i.e., carving a pumpkin) “We need a special tool.”  “It’s icky!  I’ll need to wash hands.” 

Separation anxiety can still be an issue; better at expressing needs/wants: “I want my Mommy!”

Increase in coping skills to work through upsets, seek comfort object: “I need my blanket.”

Knows rules, ask for permission, and report others not following protocol: “Can I color [now]?”  “Do we have to share?”  “They’re had the wrong way.” [They aren’t doing it right.]

Still squabble over toys; younger 3’s scream, hit, take, grab; need prompts to ‘use words’ to resolve conflicts

Older 3’s use words more to resolve conflict, but may still resort to physical means and/or tattling:

Child #1 gives child #2 a swat and says, “Hey, go away.”

Child #2 reports to adult, “They saying go away.”

Increased problem solving; often need prompts; cooperates with adult strategies/instructions:

Adult: “Can you use your words to tell him to move?”

Child: “Please move.”

Developmental skills list for ages:

• 12-15 months
  
• By 18 months
  
• By 24 months
  
• 24-36 months
  
• 36-48 months
  

Includes the following skill sets:

• Motor
  
• Speech/Communication
  
• Comprehension
  
• Self help
  
• Cognition
  
• Social Emotional
  
• Conflict Resolution
  

At some point, you have to step back and assess whether to keep plugging away and trying to answer the insistent bellows of your children, or whether you should stop, let them fuss and cry, and take a few moments to say, “I’ve had enough.”  By definition, kids are downright demanding.  There’s no getting around it, and they keep pushing until they find some limits.  Part of our job is to assess
our
limits as well, and present those boundaries to our kids.  Our children have no way of knowing how to respect our needs if we don’t teach them.     

We all want to do our job as Mommy and meet our kids’ needs to the best of our ability, but our ability really does have limitations.  When trying to have an adult conversation with our mates, yet the children are bawling, blubbering, or demanding, we simply cannot always address their needs first.  We have needs too, and sometimes it’s a matter of prioritizing.  When my own toddlers act outrageous, I realize they’re lacking something from me, but I can’t meet 100% of their needs 100% of the time.  I just don’t stretch that far.  And frankly, they’ll freaking live if they have to wait for a fish cracker! 

It’s not realistic, or even possible, to make your kids happy
all
the time.  You have to find the balance between meeting needs and guiding children on what’s appropriate and acceptable behavior.  If you don’t occasionally draw the line and let them bellyache, you’ll never be able to sit down for an entire meal (and just WHO are we kidding here?), make a professional phone call, get through an entire magazine article in one sitting, talk to your best friend during a crisis, or - here it is again - find time to pee.  As it is, we Mommies choke down most of our meals in all of three minutes.  Even those few minutes are spent jumping up from our chairs; retrieving dropped spoons, refilling juice cups, and slicing more apples.          

Mommy’s Mood Sets the Stage:
 I don’t know about your household, but for mine, great googly moogly if I’m not the one who sets the stage for everyone else.  If I happen to be in a crappy mood, the whole family gets their pickle soured and panties bunched.  This is the time when kid #1 decides to splatter coffee, #2 plants herself in the middle of the kitchen table and painstakingly demolishes the flower arrangement, and #3 won’t shut up or let go of my leg for two measly seconds.  Yep.  House full of love. 

The flip side of this mood-altering button is that when we Mommies are in good humor, everything tends to go smoothly.  Am I right?  We’re better able to keep kids happy, get work done, and our husbands don’t feel like trading us in on a new model.  Most importantly, we can give our best to our children.  When moods are good, we’re patient and loving.

You know the drill…exercise, eat right, find time alone, blah, blah, blah.  I’m not about to tell you to eat rabbit food, or sweat your way to perfect abs and a bikini butt.  However, there is something to be said for being a little selfish and prioritizing our physical and mental health.  It makes you a better Mommy. 

How?  First, define and nurture a life outside of your family.  And don’t panic at the thought, because I know you love your family dearly.  You don’t have to ditch them.  Just get a hobby like reading, sewing, gardening, scrapbooking, whatever.  You don’t necessarily have to leave home, but it’s important to have some interests outside of entertaining and feeding you kids around the clock.     

If you work outside the home and truly enjoy your job, you can certainly nurture that as an outside life.  (By the way, don’t ever feel guilty for enjoying your job, because some Mommies are truly better Mommies when they have fulfilling careers.)  However, when your outside job is less than gratifying, don’t worry.  You can always find a hobby in which you can devote a couple of hours a week, after the kids go to sleep.  Just choose something that makes you feel good.  Do things you take pleasure in like shopping (you didn’t hear that from me), remodeling the laundry room, watching movies, running, going to a wine tasting, painting, or taking piano lessons.  Find your niche and fill it.         

No, No!  Not the “E” Word!
  Yes, my Mommy friend, the “E” word.  I loathe bringing it up, but exercise is a great way to recharge.  I used to wonder what idiot dreamed up the idea that exercising would actually give you more energy.  Was this person certifiable?  Doesn’t exhaustion after a long day at work mean anything?  Are you supposed to just summon up some phantom source of energy and motivation to get to the gym?  Basically, the long and short answer is “yes.”  Justifications for avoiding exercise are plentiful even without kids in tow.  Do what you must to motivate yourself because having kids certainly doesn’t make you any less tired. 

Contrary to my too-tired common sense, surprise of all surprises, exercise really does give you more energy (thus my apologies to the unknown person I thought was an idiot).  Correct me if I’m wrong, but without a regular exercise routine, don’t the ol’ legs burn and lungs huff when we’re trying to heave ourselves up a flight of stairs carrying a child?  Pass me the oxygen!  How truly pathetic we are.  (Okay, I speak for myself).  Exercise must be a priority, because the less you do it, the less you want to.  When gym time slacks, you get too tired, and motivation takes a hike.  BUT, the flip side is, the more you do it, the more you’ll want to and the better you’ll feel.

But I Have No Time!!
  I hear you.  Of course you have no time.  Hello!  NONE of us do.  But being a great Mommy, you are also capable of making the time.  If you can make the time to take Jr. to the doctor when he’s sick, pack up a nice healthy lunch for your budding preschool genius, or paint his room a different color every time he kicks a hole in the wall, you can carve out a few hours a week for yourself somewhere.  As a Mommy, you are quite awesome at making time for other people, so put the talent to use for your own benefit.  Learn to say “No” to volunteer stuff!  Leave that to those chipper, scrawny Mommies with low stress and a housekeeper. 

Look, all you have to do is get walking.  Go to the gym or get a stroller and hike the neighborhood.  Yes, I know the gym childcare is NA-STY and you loathe the buckets of snot and germs – and you have a perfect excuse not to walk outside during rain, snow, sleet, dark, cold, wind, or heat.  Well honey, either get over it or get a treadmill.  No, it’s not lost on me that most of us get treadmills only to use them as storage space for Christmas wrapping and old clothes.  But you’ve got to do
something!
  Otherwise don’t be surprised when a gallon of coffee is the only thing keeping you awake during the day.  My friend Lisa bought herself a lifetime gym membership and promptly stopped going after four months.  She now survives on candy bars and soda for lunch and drags her tired butt through every single day like she’s hauling around a dead cow.  Make any sense to you?     

Stick your kid in a jogger or backpack and go for long walks on the weekend or days off.  Put in a great CD and dance with them when you get home.  Walk up and down the stairs holding them and singing.  If you’re standing trying to rock your baby to sleep, get a few squats in there.  Get in some yoga, aerobics, or swimming with your kids.  Put in a kiddie music video and jump around for thirty minutes – whatever! 

Being our best doesn’t necessarily mean we have to look our best, but when we do, we tend to feel better.  So unless you’re one of those disgustingly natural beauties, work in a dusting of powder, a little makeup, and quick iron to the hair.  Knowing you look presentable will make you feel good.  Unless you get pluck happy and create a highway in the middle of your left eyebrow, full make-up should only take all of five minutes.  We feel a heck of a lot better about ourselves when we don’t look like we’ve just had a mug shot taken.

Dress Up:
  I’m sure I won’t get any arguments when I say that most of us perk up when we’re decently dressed.  If we bedeck ourselves like a hobo on a daily basis (I’m the Queen!), it doesn’t do much to boost the self-esteem.  Just like having comfortable and relatively sexy underwear (is it possible to clump the words “comfortable” and “sexy” together?), there’s something about wearing a nice outfit that lifts the spirit and recharges you. 

And look, I’m not talking about decking out just to dazzle your weekly playdate moms.  That’s stupid.  I’m simply talking about getting rid of the sweats and baggy T’s.  Dress decent, but don’t go overboard.  Hard to hear, but we aren’t seventeen anymore, Mommy.  Sadly, most of us look ridiculous wearing hipster jeans and sheer shirts exposing our droopy belly buttons and tired knockers. 

Now, I have to say, some of you guys just
have it
.  I’m in carpool line last week, and this nightmare of a tanned, awesome-legged beauty struts by in her froo-froo, beachy-strapless print dress with platform heels.  Well and good (even though I’m positive every mom in carpool wanted to throw up), but she was walking to school to pick her kid up.  Walking.  As in, from home.  In those heels.  Now, come on.  Just a little footnote to those of you who have it going on: please refrain from letting your hair down, giving it a shake, and tootling past us fat-saps in carpool line with a wiggle and a smile.  We cannot take that crap.  Your compliment is our envy.  Be happy with that and don’t rub it in.  As for the rest of us (oh ye of the spare tire and pear butt), don’t go overboard with trend. 

One last thing: Don’t get stuck too far behind the times.  Throw out your dated clothes and make room for new and more flattering threads.  Once an outfit hits its second anniversary of hanging in lonely solitude at the back of your closet, consider it deadbeat and toss it.  And as far as keeping all those “skinny clothes” you’re determined to fit back into once you lose the baby fat…oh heavens, girlfriend.  That’s an entirely different issue that junks up your closet, causes more stress, and forces me to come over there and bark at you to put all that nonsense in a Goodwill bag.  How many years has it been?  They are
old
clothes, girly.  Get new ones
when
you get skinny!  Every month I whimper as I throw out some well-loved piece of clothing that makes me look like a sausage.  Newsflash:  We all get fat and lumpy.  Move on.      

You don’t necessarily have to leave the house to have time to yourself.  Get your kid on a predictable schedule so you can work in a block of time for
you
.  Have more than one kid?  Get their naps coinciding and give yourself 90 minutes every day to do whatever you want.  Take a nap, have a leisurely lunch, read, shower, sew, or watch a movie.  These activities are nearly impossible to do when kiddos are awake and constantly needing hands-on attention.  And don’t use
your
time to do house work.  That’s a waste – and a rule!  Your time is your time, period.  When they’re awake, you’re working anyway.  That’s enough. 

Time with Friends:
  Beg, borrow, or steal a babysitter so you can regroup and recharge.  Get out with some friends and forget about home for two hours.  I’ve been known to have a Winnie the Pooh song stuck in my head the whole way to a friend’s house - only to vanish as I walked in the door.  Then, as soon as my butt hit the seat of my car to leave, the song would pop right back in my head like a curse. 

Finding time with friends enables you to recharge, vent about problems, and possibly roll with laughter.  One Poker Night, Mandy made us wet our pants as she detailed a wonderfully scandalous marital fight.  While stepping out of the shower, the quarrel began, and Mandy quickly found herself dripping wet and towel-less, stomping after her husband into the kitchen in order to keep up the banter.  Going back and forth about Mandy leaving the backyard gate wide open, her husband Todd was doubly annoyed as Mandy dripped water all over the wood floor, remaining butt naked in front of all the bare windows.  In an effort to end the quibble with firm finality, he mustered up a convincingly stern voice and growled, “You need to close the back gate!” 

Just two seconds of silence.  With a set jaw, narrowed eyes, and hands firmly planted on nude hips, she yelled, “Fine!”  No sooner did he start to protest than she spun on her heels, yanked open the back door, and stomped across the yard in her birthday suit, smiling defiantly as she closed the back gate with gusto. 

Seriously – the entertainment factor…oh my gosh!  Put a little spin and laughter to an argument with your husband, or toddler behavior making you lose your marbles.  Letting go of negative feelings allows you to open yourself up and get a better handle on your troubles, worries, or just plain exhaustion.

The Absentminded Club:
  Spending time with Mommy friends is a wonderful way to commiserate and escape the frustrations of memory loss and brain damage that goes along with having kids.  You aren’t the only one on the planet who loses your keys twice a week, drops your kid off at daycare sans diaper, and forgets what you’re talking about mid sentence.  Seriously, I have a friend who lost her milk.  Yes,
milk
.  In a gallon container.  Lost it.  Found it in the pantry a day later.

Letting Go for Longer Periods:
  It’s not that we Mommies aren’t frantic for a break.  It’s just the whole ‘letting go’ thing.  IF by some miracle we could actually get away for a four-day vacation, how on earth could we sit on a beach, relax, get through an entire trashy novel, and cheerfully wave to our surfing husbands when all we’d really want to do is rush back to the hotel and call Grandma?  We’ve got to make sure naps are being taken, loveys aren’t lost, and emergency numbers are strategically placed all over the house.  If Grandma takes a pee, the doctor’s phone number should be taped on the wall in front of her in case she feels compelled to memorize. 

Call me pessimistic, but I’m not sure there’s ever a peaceful moment when you’re a Mommy.  The worry is so permanent that we just accept it and keep turning the pages of life.  Being carefree is no longer a feasible option!