Loved In Pieces (12 page)

“You’
re so incredibly soft, like heaven. Please, Marie,” he begged, “relax.”

He
kissed
me again
gently along my chest, neck, cheeks, and lips. He gently caressed my body and lifted up my shirt to kiss my stomach and touch my breasts
.
H
e
paused and when I opened my eyes to see why, I saw that he finished
pu
t
t
ing
on a condom
.
I froze.

Byron whispered, “I feel like I’m with an angel. There’s no one like you, Marie
.
You’re so beautiful.
”

Words didn’t come when he pulled off my sweats and panties a second later. He
kissed
my neck again.
I couldn’t move.
I didn’t speak.
I stared at him. He opened his eyes
as he got himself into position over me
and looked at me with love in his eyes at first, shock second.
He instantly moved to the side.

“Whoa,
babe
. You look scared. You’re not ready. Please talk to me, tell me what you’re thinking so we can get you ready.” He
kissed
my
cheek
. “This is about both of us, you and me
together, not about me. What can I do to help you,
Marie
?”

“
Y
ou’re right. I’m not ready. I didn’t expect this.
I
need to use the bathroom,
” I lied.

“Perhaps a nice massage for you?
” Byron suggested. “
Your shoulders are tense. I could work out your
muscles, h
elp you relax?”

I
left him in the bed
,
grabbed my sweats and
panties
, and
grabb
ed
my iPhone
.
He urged me to come right back
and told me he loved me
again
.
My shirt and bra were still on.
I
put on
the rest of
my
clothes
,
sat on the
bathroom
floor
,
and cried.

I needed to get out of there. I hated that I
almost
had sex with him. I didn’t want to look at him, talk to him,
or
be near him. I
was close to being
one of his hundreds. I felt
stupid
.
There were photographers outside.
I couldn’t think.
I texted Manuel.

“Please help. Got
to get out of
Byron’s
condo. Photographers outside.”

Manuel texted me back. “
Byron
too drunk to drive
u
home?”

“Don’t want to c him.”

“I’ll get u a cab. Where r u? Look at iPhone map.”

I
didn’t
think of that.
I got out my map on my iPhone and pressed the location button. It searched the GPS and gave me the pin. I texted the location to Manuel.

“Okay, cab is on its way. ETA
5
min. It’
ll wait for
u
. U ok?”

“No.
I f
’
d up.
”

“Txt when you’re safe at home.”

“K. Thx.”

I washed my f
ace and composed myself
, taking up the few minutes
. I opened the door to the bedroom and saw
Byron
smoking a cigarette as he smiled at me.

“Hey,
babe
…”

I stopped to explain, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a tease. I
don’t want to have sex with you.
”

“Marie,
p
lease come back to bed. I won’t hurt you
, babe.
I promise.”

“I can’t,” I responded as I stood there in the doorway. He shifted his body in the bed and looked like he was going to get up and walk toward me, naked.
I ran out of the room
,
out of the condo
,
and into the cab. Yuck.

Byron
called. I ignored it. He texted. I ignored it. He cal
led again.

I texted him, “Sorry. It went too far. Not what I want. Talk tomorrow?”

Steve pa
id
the driver and dr
o
ve
me in
his security golf cart to my trailer. I lost it when I got inside. 
My head pounded
and
vision blurred
.
I vomited. I immediately
found my prescription bottle of
Vicoden—desperate to relieve the pain from my instant migraine.
I stared at it, fought the urge to take the pills, and threw the bottle at the wall. I crumpled to the floor and let my head throb.

I thought of Matthew. I was scared
this time, too, but it was more than that
. There was something wrong with me. I wasn’t turned on. I was completely dry, just like
when Evan and I tried to get me ready—nothing worked
.
H
ormones
were supposed to be released
in my body
so that I could have sex. But I felt no desire for the most beautiful man on the planet.
I was so emb
arrassed that I over
reacted and didn’t communicate.

Perhaps it’s
valid
that true love in Hollywood
wa
s not a realistic ideal.
Perhaps casual sex is as much a part of the cultural fabric as a prayer is to religion.
But
I didn’t
want
it. I didn’t want
Byron
, not him
. Evan was perfect and I loved him, but not Evan either because
I didn’t see a future with him.
I cared about companionship, trust, and reliability.
I didn’t need t
o love a lot of guys. I wanted the one
who would
love me and
stay with me for the long-term
.

Byron was excessively pushy but didn’t do anything wrong. He was being his normal player self.
It was me who should not have been there and should not have lost control. I needed to stay as far away from
Byron
as possible because I could not trust myself to do the right thing around him.
There was no middle ground in Hollywood.
I needed to stop being a tease.

A few hours later,
I woke up to Manuel’s ringtone.

“Hey. Thanks
for the cab
,
” I answered. “I messed up tonight, couldn’t think straight.
I shouldn’t have texted you.
S
orry.
”

Manuel answered,
“I’m here, at security.”

“What?
” He was seventeen and had a provisional driver’s license. Minors are not allowed to drive from 11 pm to 5 am
in the State of California
. It was
after
midnight. I was shocked
that
he broke a rule
even though he had recently kissed his best friend’s girlfriend
, an action completely against his rules
.

“
Cool,
okay
.”
I shot up out of bed and slid on my
shoes
.
I was in my p
ajama
s but just threw on a jacket and hat.
I ran down to the security checkpoint. My heart leapt when I saw
Manuel
and tears swelled in my eyes.

Manuel was more white-looking than Latino.
H
e was absolutely beautiful, not sexy or hot like my co
-
stars. He was too real
, humble,
and warm to be classified as a heartthrob.
He had that geeky, intellectual nervousness when he talked that charmed me. It took away that stud factor
he could have projected if he kept his mouth shut
and replaced it with
an
instant
ease
that everyone felt
from being around him.

I hugged him, instantly feeling relaxed and grateful to have
my best
friend alleviate the loneliness. I signed him in and held his hand while we walked to my trailer.
After we were in the privacy of the trailer, h
e put his bag on the floor in the kitchen and hu
gged me again.

“
Hi
, Marie. It’s okay.
Ya know
, I love you no matter what, all the time, no matter what
happened.”

“Nothing happed. I just freaked out.” I started to explain but m
y eyes watered
and my knees buckled
, yet another
overreaction
to the situation
. Manuel picked me up and carried me to the bed, grabbed a blanket, and put it on me.

He got a drink of water from the kitchen,
used the bathroom,
and snuggled with me in the bed. I
cried
because I felt like such an idiot again
.

He soothed me, “It’s okay. You can
cry it out
.”

I rolled on to his chest
.
He comforted
me
,
and I felt my drained battery recharge.

“Did he…force you?”

“No.
” I admitted, “
I must be beyond stressed because crying is
so over-dramatic
.
I’m a fool.
I participated
until it happened so fast.
He
s
topped before we did it. I’m just a total prude,
an idiot
.
The poor guy is probably so confused right now. I was not turned on, whatsoever.
There’s something wrong with me, Manuel. I have absolutely no desire for the hottest guy in Hollywood
. And
not having sex with
Evan was just completely mental
.
I know I love
him.
Th
is stupid break-up is too much, and
I miss him.
”

“I’m so sorry, Marie.” Manuel continued to hold me.
He asked, “Are you drunk?”

“No, I only had two beers, but that’s one more than my maximum.”

“Well, that’s awesome!” Manuel hugged me and turned to face me, smiling. “You stopped at two? No way! I’m so proud of you!”

I grinned sideways and agreed, “Yeah, I guess I did.
I also threw my Vicoden against the wall.
That’s pretty good. Way better than last time.”

He stretch
ed
out again on the bed and I put my arm across his chest. He patted my shoulder. “Yeah, that sucked. I’m sorry Kate was such a bitch about teasing you
for dating
Evan
when
you never saw each other. I still remember the look on your face when she told you to dump your phantom boyfriend and hook up with Matt
hew
. I don’t blame you for having a drink. I just wish I knew a way to make you stop drinking
and smoking
when you get like that.”

I was going to say something but my throat was too tight. I would fall apart if I spoke.
We laid there for about thirty minutes.
I fought memories about Evan, Matthew, and Byron.
I
fought the desire
to tell
Manuel
that I was in love with him, that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. But I would ruin everything so I said nothing.

Manuel whispered, “Are you asleep?”

“No
.
”

“You should
try to sleep.
Let me tuck you in.” He got out of bed
and pulled the
sheets and comforter
over me
.
R
ejection overwhelmed me
.

“This is nice. Stay with me, please.” I beg
ged
him to stay in bed with me.